kanan

Hi. I'm new to the forum. I'm 42, and been repeating the same pattern for 7 or 8 years now. I tend to binge drink, mostly on the weekends but sometimes on weeknights. Mostly to escape the anxiety of my job and life in general. It always leads to increase in frequency and amount until I'm drinking almost every night, hiding purchases from my wife and stashing alcohol in the house, and obsessing about drinking. I reach a point where I feel like I need to stop and I do stop for a period of time. I've gone 6 months once, but usually its 30-60 days. Inevitably after time passes, I convince myself that I'm functional and don't really have a problem, and that I can just control it with a few rules like only drinking at work parties, only on Friday night, only beer, only two drinks, etc. It always ramps back up again.

I always feel ashamed that I can't stick with it and drink normally, and I'm so worn down and sick of the mental war that goes on inside my head. It feels like I'm running into a brick wall over and over again and I'll never get this behind me.

ScottFromWI

Welcome back Kanan. I know the feelign...although for me the binging became and everyday thing that never let up. I also thought I was hiding it from my wife and family, but they knew - it's not possible to cover it all up. But like you say, your addiction is a master of convincing you that the opposite is true so you keep drinking.

Accepting my addiction/alcoholism was the watershed moment for me. I accept that I cannot drink alcohol in any quantity, and i'm OK with that. Drinking "normally" is not something that my body can do - and it never will be able to, so I have decided to move on with my life without it.

You'll find a lot of support and understanding here, have you considered following a organized sobriety plan/program by chance? It can really help to have some structure to get you started.

Anna

I think it's about acceptance.

I spent so much time and energy, exhausting myself, doing what you're doing. It really was a relief to just finally stop and the war in my head stopped, too.

wildflower70

I was in a similar situation, and the binge drinking only got much worse. I am 47, and tried to start cutting back 5 years ago. I would moderate, count drinks, quit for a few months, ect... I also would wake up excited when I only had 1 bottle of wine the night before, as my addictive voice was fooling me into believing I was a 'winner". Now, 5 years later I am fighting for my sobriety, without modifications, exceptions, and delusions. I shouldn't and can't drink. In the end it always get worse, maybe not today, this week, or this month. But it does come, the binges always get worse, and it's not pretty. Day 5 for me again, but this time I don't want to ever go back, not in this lifetime.

Wishing you peace, joy, and the beautiful self love that comes with sobriety.

entropy1964

I'm so worn down and sick of the mental war that goes on inside my head

Yeah. I hear you. Its awful. The addict and the higher thinking self in constant battle "I hate drinking, but I WANT it". Ugh. Cognitive dissonance.

I had to accept completely that alcohol does not do anything that I believe it will on some unconscious level. It doesn't relieve stress, it creates it. It doesn't make me feel good, it makes me feel awful. It doesn't make me happy, it makes me depressed. All that drinking will do, when I'm in active addiction, is relieve the obsession momentarily. That's it. But then its back, and I drink more and so on.

Stopping is the only way. And staying stopped is accepting that alcohol is simply a lie.

kanan

Thanks for the replies. I found a book last night called the 30 day sobriety solution and am going to give that a try to give me some structure.

Acceptance seems so simple yet so incredibly difficult. I think if I'm honest with myself I've never accepted that I can't drink normally, so I've always held open that option in my head. But even now sitting here the thought of NEVER drinking again gives me a ton of anxiety.

Berrybean

Yep. That's normal. That's why in AA they say to think about staying sober one day at a time and not try to solve our whole life all at once.

The Just For Today is tiny, but chock full of wisdom...

JUST FOR TODAY
Just for today I will try to live through this day only, and not tackle my whole life problem at once. I can do something for 12 hours that would appal me if I felt I had to keep it up for a lifetime.

JUST FOR TODAY
Just for today I will be happy. Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be.

JUST FOR TODAY
I will adjust myself to what is, and not try to adjust everything to my own desires. I will take my luck as it comes, and fit myself to it.

JUST FOR TODAY
I will strengthen my mind.
I will study I will learn something useful.
I will not be a mental loafer.
I will read something that requires effort, thought and concentration.

JUST FOR TODAY
I will exercise my soul in three ways, I will do someone a good turn, and NOT get found out. If anybody knows of it, it will not count. I will do at least two things I dont want to do just for exercise
I will not show anyone my feelings are hurt, they may be hurt, but today I will not show it.

JUST FOR TODAY
I will be agreeable, I will look as well as I can, dress becomingly, talk low, act courteously, criticise not one bit, not find fault with anything, and not try to improve or regulate anybody except myself.

JUST FOR TODAY
I will have a program. I may not follow it exactly, but I will have it. I will save myself from two pests, hurry and indecision.

JUST FOR TODAY
I will have a quiet half hour all by myself and relax. During this half hour sometime, I will try and get a better perspective of my life.

JUST FOR TODAY
I will be unafraid. Especially I will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful, and to believe that as I give to the world, so the world will give to me.

BB