We are Sponsors, not Therapists - how to explain this?
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 1,271
We are Sponsors, not Therapists - how to explain this?
How do you all respond when your sponsees:
1) talk to you about their family, marriage, financial, or work problems?
2) keep bringing up old resentments?
3) bring up new resentments but they're not putting into practice the step solutions for them? (this is for a sponsee who is living in steps 10, 11 and 12)
I keep telling them I'm not a therapist. I thought if someone could lay it out for me verbally how to explain to sponsees the difference between a sponsor and a therapist that would help.
No matter how many times I bring it back to the steps or the serenity prayer, they don't go along with it and instead I hear a new or repeated problem.
Whenever I try to help them have a new perspective, or to see their part, it doesn't click.
Is this just part of the process?
What can I do or say differently to improve my Step 12 practice to help them?
1) talk to you about their family, marriage, financial, or work problems?
2) keep bringing up old resentments?
3) bring up new resentments but they're not putting into practice the step solutions for them? (this is for a sponsee who is living in steps 10, 11 and 12)
I keep telling them I'm not a therapist. I thought if someone could lay it out for me verbally how to explain to sponsees the difference between a sponsor and a therapist that would help.
No matter how many times I bring it back to the steps or the serenity prayer, they don't go along with it and instead I hear a new or repeated problem.
Whenever I try to help them have a new perspective, or to see their part, it doesn't click.
Is this just part of the process?
What can I do or say differently to improve my Step 12 practice to help them?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Some people are just stuck.
You are there to help them with the steps, so that is the focus, yeah?
Maybe talk to an old hand who has sponsored many for some tips about staying with the script?
Maybe he/she will have some insight.
Bless you for sponsoring.
It’s a tough one sometimes.
I could never do it.
You are there to help them with the steps, so that is the focus, yeah?
Maybe talk to an old hand who has sponsored many for some tips about staying with the script?
Maybe he/she will have some insight.
Bless you for sponsoring.
It’s a tough one sometimes.
I could never do it.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
i think the chapter,"working with others" has some good suggestions:
Do not be discouraged if your prospect does not respond at once. Search out another alcoholic and try again. You are sure to find someone desperate enough to accept with eagerness what you offer. We find it a waste of time to keep chasing a man who cannot or will not work with you. If you leave such a person alone, he may soon become convinced that he cannot recover by himself. To spend too much time on any one situation is to deny some other alcoholic an opportunity to live and be happy. One of our Fellowship failed entirely with his first half dozen prospects. He often says that if he had continued to work on them, he might have deprived many others, who have since recovered, of their chance.
Do not be discouraged if your prospect does not respond at once. Search out another alcoholic and try again. You are sure to find someone desperate enough to accept with eagerness what you offer. We find it a waste of time to keep chasing a man who cannot or will not work with you. If you leave such a person alone, he may soon become convinced that he cannot recover by himself. To spend too much time on any one situation is to deny some other alcoholic an opportunity to live and be happy. One of our Fellowship failed entirely with his first half dozen prospects. He often says that if he had continued to work on them, he might have deprived many others, who have since recovered, of their chance.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 60
It sounds like maybe they need someone to talk to and the only person they can trust/talk to these issues about is you? I know that doesn't help you but this person sounds like my AH who has a very limited amount of people that he would choose to talk to. He won't talk to family or many friends due to his insecurities and fear of being judged. He also will bring up resentments as a defence/denial tactic. Also he would never consider a therapist, again because they haven't been addicts so he thinks they wont understand and worries they will judge him. I know that his sponsor listens to him and relates it to similar situations or offers advice. He would be lost if his sponsor gave up on him.
Not sure if or how this helps but couldn't pass by without putting another perspective on it.
Not sure if or how this helps but couldn't pass by without putting another perspective on it.
It`s ok to stay sober
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Central NC
Posts: 20,902
great questions
thanks for posting them
here is basically what I do (with some flexibility)
1) talk to you about their family, marriage, financial, or work problems?
first off I ask,have you prayed about this?If not,I say,go pray and do as you think God would have you do.
I am not a banker,those bills will get knocked down if you stay sober,keep working and pay them.Sit down and work out a financial plan and stick to it,one day at a time.
A lot of times I say,we`ll help you stay sober while you go work out those problems
I usually stick to this kind of talk
2) keep bringing up old resentments?
if they are still bringing them up,they are not old,they are still eating them up.I tell them to write them out like in a 4th step and and we`ll meet in a week to go over the inventory.if they don`t,i don`t listen to it.I also tell them to pray for them in the process
3) bring up new resentments but they're not putting into practice the step solutions for them? (this is for a sponsee who is living in steps 10, 11 and 12)
I tell them to practice the program,write it all out in a 4th step format and in 1 week we`ll get together and go over them.If they really was living in steps 10,11,12 they wouldn`t be that way.I sponsor a woman who was doing the same.I finally got her in the habit of writing out her 10 and 11 step while we met weekly to go over them.Now she is a lot better,but it took time and effort
4-No matter how many times I bring it back to the steps or the serenity prayer, they don't go along with it and instead I hear a new or repeated problem.
Whenever I try to help them have a new perspective, or to see their part, it doesn't click.
thats right,it takes a HP to change their perspective most of the times.My human power will not give me the physic change I need to arrest my alcoholism,so until my thinking gets straight,I am doomed to go around "venting" to others and carry the sickness and make a big drama out of everything.
thats my take but I will meditate on this some more
thanks for posting them
here is basically what I do (with some flexibility)
1) talk to you about their family, marriage, financial, or work problems?
first off I ask,have you prayed about this?If not,I say,go pray and do as you think God would have you do.
I am not a banker,those bills will get knocked down if you stay sober,keep working and pay them.Sit down and work out a financial plan and stick to it,one day at a time.
A lot of times I say,we`ll help you stay sober while you go work out those problems
I usually stick to this kind of talk
2) keep bringing up old resentments?
if they are still bringing them up,they are not old,they are still eating them up.I tell them to write them out like in a 4th step and and we`ll meet in a week to go over the inventory.if they don`t,i don`t listen to it.I also tell them to pray for them in the process
3) bring up new resentments but they're not putting into practice the step solutions for them? (this is for a sponsee who is living in steps 10, 11 and 12)
I tell them to practice the program,write it all out in a 4th step format and in 1 week we`ll get together and go over them.If they really was living in steps 10,11,12 they wouldn`t be that way.I sponsor a woman who was doing the same.I finally got her in the habit of writing out her 10 and 11 step while we met weekly to go over them.Now she is a lot better,but it took time and effort
4-No matter how many times I bring it back to the steps or the serenity prayer, they don't go along with it and instead I hear a new or repeated problem.
Whenever I try to help them have a new perspective, or to see their part, it doesn't click.
thats right,it takes a HP to change their perspective most of the times.My human power will not give me the physic change I need to arrest my alcoholism,so until my thinking gets straight,I am doomed to go around "venting" to others and carry the sickness and make a big drama out of everything.
thats my take but I will meditate on this some more
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 1,271
Originally Posted by Maudcat 
Some people are just stuck.
You are there to help them with the steps, so that is the focus, yeah?
Maybe talk to an old hand who has sponsored many for some tips about staying with the script?
Maybe he/she will have some insight.
Bless you for sponsoring.
It’s a tough one sometimes.
I could never do it.
You are there to help them with the steps, so that is the focus, yeah?
Maybe talk to an old hand who has sponsored many for some tips about staying with the script?
Maybe he/she will have some insight.
Bless you for sponsoring.
It’s a tough one sometimes.
I could never do it.
Last night I received a very thoughtful call from a very busy friend in AA who told me her script. It was sort of a funny way to tell the sponsees "Oh you don't want my advice on ______".
I know I did the same thing to my sponsors. I wanted them to be friends, therapists, moms, etc. It took me a while to understand/become unblocked to see what their role actually was.
Some people make sponsoring look so easy. I thought, "what am I missing?" But I think it's because they set firm boundaries from the get-go about what sponsoring is and isn't.
Someone also reminded me that the outcome is not in my hand's; it's in God's. That took a lot of the pressure off.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 1,271
Originally Posted by tomsteve
i think the chapter,"working with others" has some good suggestions:
Do not be discouraged if your prospect does not respond at once. Search out another alcoholic and try again. You are sure to find someone desperate enough to accept with eagerness what you offer. We find it a waste of time to keep chasing a man who cannot or will not work with you. If you leave such a person alone, he may soon become convinced that he cannot recover by himself. To spend too much time on any one situation is to deny some other alcoholic an opportunity to live and be happy. One of our Fellowship failed entirely with his first half dozen prospects. He often says that if he had continued to work on them, he might have deprived many others, who have since recovered, of their chance.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 1,271
Originally Posted by Princessofhope
It sounds like maybe they need someone to talk to and the only person they can trust/talk to these issues about is you? I know that doesn't help you but this person sounds like my AH who has a very limited amount of people that he would choose to talk to. He won't talk to family or many friends due to his insecurities and fear of being judged. He also will bring up resentments as a defence/denial tactic. Also he would never consider a therapist, again because they haven't been addicts so he thinks they wont understand and worries they will judge him. I know that his sponsor listens to him and relates it to similar situations or offers advice. He would be lost if his sponsor gave up on him.
I understand what your AH is saying. However, professionals are trained to help all types of people. For example, a doctor can help you if you have Diabetes, even if he doesn't have Diabetes himself. Doctors and therapists also learn from their own patients' experiences. He may not have the personal experience, but he knows what it's like. I think a therapist is the same. My current therapist has no personal experience with addiction, but she understands it. It took me a while to have confidence that she does, but I can tell now that she does. That all being said, there is definitely a power in getting help from those who know on a personal level what it's like. That's why AA works. We've all been through similar stuff and have a similar solution.
Not sure if or how this helps but couldn't pass by without putting another perspective on it.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 1,271
Originally Posted by Tommyh
here is basically what I do (with some flexibility)
1) talk to you about their family, marriage, financial, or work problems?
first off I ask,have you prayed about this?If not,I say,go pray and do as you think God would have you do.
first off I ask,have you prayed about this?If not,I say,go pray and do as you think God would have you do.
I am not a banker,those bills will get knocked down if you stay sober,keep working and pay them.Sit down and work out a financial plan and stick to it,one day at a time.
A lot of times I say,we`ll help you stay sober while you go work out those problems
2) keep bringing up old resentments?
if they are still bringing them up,they are not old,they are still eating them up.I tell them to write them out like in a 4th step and and we`ll meet in a week to go over the inventory.if they don`t,i don`t listen to it.I also tell them to pray for them in the process
if they are still bringing them up,they are not old,they are still eating them up.I tell them to write them out like in a 4th step and and we`ll meet in a week to go over the inventory.if they don`t,i don`t listen to it.I also tell them to pray for them in the process
3) bring up new resentments but they're not putting into practice the step solutions for them? (this is for a sponsee who is living in steps 10, 11 and 12)
I tell them to practice the program,write it all out in a 4th step format and in 1 week we`ll get together and go over them.If they really was living in steps 10,11,12 they wouldn`t be that way.I sponsor a woman who was doing the same.I finally got her in the habit of writing out her 10 and 11 step while we met weekly to go over them.Now she is a lot better,but it took time and effort
I tell them to practice the program,write it all out in a 4th step format and in 1 week we`ll get together and go over them.If they really was living in steps 10,11,12 they wouldn`t be that way.I sponsor a woman who was doing the same.I finally got her in the habit of writing out her 10 and 11 step while we met weekly to go over them.Now she is a lot better,but it took time and effort
4-No matter how many times I bring it back to the steps or the serenity prayer, they don't go along with it and instead I hear a new or repeated problem.
Whenever I try to help them have a new perspective, or to see their part, it doesn't click.
thats right,it takes a HP to change their perspective most of the times.My human power will not give me the physic change I need to arrest my alcoholism,so until my thinking gets straight,I am doomed to go around "venting" to others and carry the sickness and make a big drama out of everything.
Whenever I try to help them have a new perspective, or to see their part, it doesn't click.
thats right,it takes a HP to change their perspective most of the times.My human power will not give me the physic change I need to arrest my alcoholism,so until my thinking gets straight,I am doomed to go around "venting" to others and carry the sickness and make a big drama out of everything.
thats my take but I will meditate on this some more
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
I feel like my purpose as a sponsor is many-suited. I'm not just a friend, just a confidant, just a guide through the steps, just an example of the steps/program in action...... I'm all those things.......plus whatever God manifests through me. And who am I to say what God can and can't use me for?
Regarding the questions in the OP, I'm usually a pretty good listener at first. Sometimes ppl just need to vent and IMO getting someone new talking about what's really going on in their life is important. If I just "punish" them every time they bring that stuff up, my experience has been that they, like me, just go back to internalizing and shutting down. 100% of those ppl have left the program and most drank or drugged again. So, bashing them with the steps or program hasn't worked either.
1st - I pray as they're talking and ask God what would He have me say or do and how would He want me to respond. I've gotten all sorts of what I thought were odd intuitions by doing this but it's exactly what the program challenges us to do. Take ALL of our problems to God and look for Divine Intuition and Direction.
2. I ask the sponsee how they would want their family, work, relationship to go. About 15 seconds into their answer I bring up the story of the actor trying to be the director in the BB. I'll point out how that's exactly what they're doing and then ask them if their playing God is likely to work this time? Then I'll ask if this is the first time they've even had ideas on how these sorts of things should go and, assuming it's not, ask they what their experience has been when they just knew how everyone and everything should be so they would be happy - what was the result. Invariably, it's that they ended up hurt, sad, and or depressed. I'll also ask if, especially for the relationship piece, are they really considering others first as the AA program says we're required to do if we ever hope to be free of alcohol and in possession of a happy life. I'll ask if it's possible that the person they're in the "bad relationship" with is merely reacting to their own displeasure with the current state of affairs and who is the sponsee to say that they know the only way for that other person to be happy is to stay in a relationship with the sponsee.......?? especially when the entire charter for that relationship seems to be based upon the sponsees opinions, wishes and desires.
3. For resentments - that one's kinda easy. I will read to them, the section on resentment just before the 4th step - where it says we MUST be free of resentment and where it says resentment is the number 1 offender (thus putting alcohol #2 or lower on the list, obviously). I'll then ask them how long they know they can continue to ignore the AA program, ignore the spiritual path, do their own thing, and purposefully practice THE number 1 offender in their life before they end up taking their own life or drinking again. Isn't a life like that the exact way we lived before? A way of life that manifested in uncontrolled drinking? A way of life that we have decades of experience with and know for a fact that it doesn't work?.......but suddenly it's now ok?
At the end of that talk I'll remind them - I DO NOT have all the answers but my experience has been that when I practice those things in 1-3 above, I found myself literally running away from God and running back into the exact actions of active addictions.......and we all know how that turns out. I'll also say something like "Maybe it's different for you and you don't have to do any of this stuff at all.......maybe your history and experience has been that you have no problems playing God, carrying resentments, and have always been able to handle all your marital, relationship, work and personal relationships without any of God's help." "But........maybe it would make sense to say a prayer tonight and several times per day over the next week." "Dear God - please show me the truth regarding my continued x, y, and z." "Give that a try.....and let me know what you hear back from God....."
Regarding the questions in the OP, I'm usually a pretty good listener at first. Sometimes ppl just need to vent and IMO getting someone new talking about what's really going on in their life is important. If I just "punish" them every time they bring that stuff up, my experience has been that they, like me, just go back to internalizing and shutting down. 100% of those ppl have left the program and most drank or drugged again. So, bashing them with the steps or program hasn't worked either.
1st - I pray as they're talking and ask God what would He have me say or do and how would He want me to respond. I've gotten all sorts of what I thought were odd intuitions by doing this but it's exactly what the program challenges us to do. Take ALL of our problems to God and look for Divine Intuition and Direction.
2. I ask the sponsee how they would want their family, work, relationship to go. About 15 seconds into their answer I bring up the story of the actor trying to be the director in the BB. I'll point out how that's exactly what they're doing and then ask them if their playing God is likely to work this time? Then I'll ask if this is the first time they've even had ideas on how these sorts of things should go and, assuming it's not, ask they what their experience has been when they just knew how everyone and everything should be so they would be happy - what was the result. Invariably, it's that they ended up hurt, sad, and or depressed. I'll also ask if, especially for the relationship piece, are they really considering others first as the AA program says we're required to do if we ever hope to be free of alcohol and in possession of a happy life. I'll ask if it's possible that the person they're in the "bad relationship" with is merely reacting to their own displeasure with the current state of affairs and who is the sponsee to say that they know the only way for that other person to be happy is to stay in a relationship with the sponsee.......?? especially when the entire charter for that relationship seems to be based upon the sponsees opinions, wishes and desires.
3. For resentments - that one's kinda easy. I will read to them, the section on resentment just before the 4th step - where it says we MUST be free of resentment and where it says resentment is the number 1 offender (thus putting alcohol #2 or lower on the list, obviously). I'll then ask them how long they know they can continue to ignore the AA program, ignore the spiritual path, do their own thing, and purposefully practice THE number 1 offender in their life before they end up taking their own life or drinking again. Isn't a life like that the exact way we lived before? A way of life that manifested in uncontrolled drinking? A way of life that we have decades of experience with and know for a fact that it doesn't work?.......but suddenly it's now ok?
At the end of that talk I'll remind them - I DO NOT have all the answers but my experience has been that when I practice those things in 1-3 above, I found myself literally running away from God and running back into the exact actions of active addictions.......and we all know how that turns out. I'll also say something like "Maybe it's different for you and you don't have to do any of this stuff at all.......maybe your history and experience has been that you have no problems playing God, carrying resentments, and have always been able to handle all your marital, relationship, work and personal relationships without any of God's help." "But........maybe it would make sense to say a prayer tonight and several times per day over the next week." "Dear God - please show me the truth regarding my continued x, y, and z." "Give that a try.....and let me know what you hear back from God....."
Member
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: CA
Posts: 1,060
Originally Posted by Pathwaytofree
How do you all respond when your sponsees:
1) talk to you about their family, marriage, financial, or work problems?
2) keep bringing up old resentments?
3) bring up new resentments but they're not putting into practice the step solutions for them? (this is for a sponsee who is living in steps 10, 11 and 12)
I keep telling them I'm not a therapist. I thought if someone could lay it out for me verbally how to explain to sponsees the difference between a sponsor and a therapist that would help.
No matter how many times I bring it back to the steps or the serenity prayer, they don't go along with it and instead I hear a new or repeated problem.
Whenever I try to help them have a new perspective, or to see their part, it doesn't click.
Is this just part of the process?
What can I do or say differently to improve my Step 12 practice to help them?
1) talk to you about their family, marriage, financial, or work problems?
2) keep bringing up old resentments?
3) bring up new resentments but they're not putting into practice the step solutions for them? (this is for a sponsee who is living in steps 10, 11 and 12)
I keep telling them I'm not a therapist. I thought if someone could lay it out for me verbally how to explain to sponsees the difference between a sponsor and a therapist that would help.
No matter how many times I bring it back to the steps or the serenity prayer, they don't go along with it and instead I hear a new or repeated problem.
Whenever I try to help them have a new perspective, or to see their part, it doesn't click.
Is this just part of the process?
What can I do or say differently to improve my Step 12 practice to help them?
A. You don't need to call me daily unless you need to call me daily. You will call me before you start drinking or after you've sobered up if you relapse or land in jail.
B. If I don't answer then you will call the next person on the phone list and so on down the phone list until someone answers. It's not my responsibility to answer your calls or be at your beckon call.
C. We will do the steps one at a time in order at our speed. It's your responsibility to set up time and place. Your job is to not drink and mine is to guide you through the steps.
D. If you have issues that are not drinking/AA based then get a therapist or counseling. This is the number one reason I drop sponsees, so you have to understand that I am a drunk that has gotten sober with no formal education in addiction counseling or psychotherapy.
E. I will not lend or borrow money ever. Don't ******* ask.
F. Anything we discuss stays between us. Just remember that I will report certain crimes.
G. Rule 62 is always in effect for both of us. The rest we will make up as we go. All these rules apply to me as well.
Those are my rules that I have them read to me and verbally agree.
My approach to your questions.
1. I give general advice or answer with an open ended question for them to ponder their part they can control.
2. I tell them the same solution about resentments every time. Pray for them and what is your part? Or lets do a 4th and 5th step again/ inventories work.
3. Just patiently tell them to get into action. You are teaching them a skill to solve these problems not giving them the answer. The ole teach a man to fish theory.
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