Had enough but three small kids
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Join Date: Jan 2018
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Had enough but three small kids
Today 01:16 AM by disney
I have been with my husband for 14 years. I have been verbally abused and still never gave up on him. I don't even know where to begin, so many days of disappointment. He had been through treatment 3 times. I believe the longest he has ever been completely sober was probably a year of that. That was a good year. I have 3 absolutely adorable children, they love their father so much. I however can not live like this anymore he has destroyed me, my sole, my worth, my dreams. I so want to move on but I look at my children and even though I am beyond miserable with him I can't do it to the children. I tried a few months back and my oldest son who is 10 cried and cried and I just couldn't watch him like that. I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't. If I stay I risk messing the kids up because this isn't a happy home, if I go then I chance messing them up because it's a broken home. I fear they will hate me if I leave their father because he does no wrong in their eyes and they are too young to understand. I have tried to keep them from as much as I could, but I just carry this weight on my shoulders anymore. I don't know what the best thing to do is at this point. He won't attend meetings or counseling
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I have been with my husband for 14 years. I have been verbally abused and still never gave up on him. I don't even know where to begin, so many days of disappointment. He had been through treatment 3 times. I believe the longest he has ever been completely sober was probably a year of that. That was a good year. I have 3 absolutely adorable children, they love their father so much. I however can not live like this anymore he has destroyed me, my sole, my worth, my dreams. I so want to move on but I look at my children and even though I am beyond miserable with him I can't do it to the children. I tried a few months back and my oldest son who is 10 cried and cried and I just couldn't watch him like that. I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't. If I stay I risk messing the kids up because this isn't a happy home, if I go then I chance messing them up because it's a broken home. I fear they will hate me if I leave their father because he does no wrong in their eyes and they are too young to understand. I have tried to keep them from as much as I could, but I just carry this weight on my shoulders anymore. I don't know what the best thing to do is at this point. He won't attend meetings or counseling
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Join Date: Jan 2018
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Originally Posted by qtpi 
Are you going to Alanon? It may help a lot. Take care of yourself and be good to yourself. You don't deserve this burden. ((((Hugs))))
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,644
Hi Disney,
Well, it's going to be messy either way. Your choice is to have them grow up in this very dysfunctional environment with their Mother being abused, or have them away from their Father most times and (from reading your other posts) them being potentially unsafe if he is having unsupervised visits with them, ie: possibly drinking then driving with them.
I can see how you see yourself between a rock and hard place.
I guess some of the questions it brings to mind is, what kind of Mother will you be to them in this abusive household? How can you be strong and protect them if you are beaten down?
I'm not asking to make you feel guilty - far from it, just that if you can't bring yourself to look out for yourself, how about looking at it as looking out for them.
Their Father isn't actually going anywhere, they will still get to see him and they will get used to it.
Well, it's going to be messy either way. Your choice is to have them grow up in this very dysfunctional environment with their Mother being abused, or have them away from their Father most times and (from reading your other posts) them being potentially unsafe if he is having unsupervised visits with them, ie: possibly drinking then driving with them.
I can see how you see yourself between a rock and hard place.
I guess some of the questions it brings to mind is, what kind of Mother will you be to them in this abusive household? How can you be strong and protect them if you are beaten down?
I'm not asking to make you feel guilty - far from it, just that if you can't bring yourself to look out for yourself, how about looking at it as looking out for them.
Their Father isn't actually going anywhere, they will still get to see him and they will get used to it.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Disney.....consider that the home is already broken....while living in the same house. A mother, no matter how loving, cannot shield her unhappiness from her children, forever. Adults almost always underestimate how much their children know about what goes on in their environment. Even if they don't understand why...they know when something is wrong.
I would suggest that you get the literature from Adult Children of Alcoholics, and study it...You can get it from the book section of amazon.com. It will give you a view from those who grew up in alcoholism...what the long term results are......
Another thing you can do is to seek a child psychologist and ask them to help you with this.
Children are able to adjust...if they have some stability and security and love in their environment....There are a lot of books that deal with this issue..and dealing with separation and divorce....I think it would really help you to read some of them, if you haven't, already.....you can get them, and their reviews, on amazon.com....
Having raised three kids, myself....I divorced their father when they were still small....I do think that the younger they are...the easier it is on them...and, you...because the teen years are hard enough, anyway...lol....
I highly suggest that you get all the help that you can...from anywhere you can get it...The more support, the better.....
I hope that you will continue to read and post, here....
I would suggest that you get the literature from Adult Children of Alcoholics, and study it...You can get it from the book section of amazon.com. It will give you a view from those who grew up in alcoholism...what the long term results are......
Another thing you can do is to seek a child psychologist and ask them to help you with this.
Children are able to adjust...if they have some stability and security and love in their environment....There are a lot of books that deal with this issue..and dealing with separation and divorce....I think it would really help you to read some of them, if you haven't, already.....you can get them, and their reviews, on amazon.com....
Having raised three kids, myself....I divorced their father when they were still small....I do think that the younger they are...the easier it is on them...and, you...because the teen years are hard enough, anyway...lol....
I highly suggest that you get all the help that you can...from anywhere you can get it...The more support, the better.....
I hope that you will continue to read and post, here....
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Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 81
Disney, I understand! I have 3 kids too. My H is in a treatment program so it’s early but when I saw a divorce lawyer she said I needed to be modeling appropriate behavior. If he mistreats me, it normalizes it for the kids.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
Somethings to consider:-
I stayed. "For the kids sake" I stuck it out for 20 years and by the time our youngest were 15 I was more than done. Prior to that each time we had split up my youngest had got aggressive and angry and my older kids had bullied me into letting him come back. He put on an act front of them and none of them to this day have any idea what I went through to maintain the status quo.
It was all for nothing! Fast forward and I am blamed for ruining their childhoods and staying with him. My kids have forgotten they begged and pleaded with me to let exah stay. 4 of them no longer have any contact with me. I ruined my life and theirs for nothing. You can't win so you may as get out while you can. Whatever you do will cause problems so you may as well make yourself happy and in doing so your kids will eventually work out why. Kids cannot be trusted to know what is best for them.
I stayed. "For the kids sake" I stuck it out for 20 years and by the time our youngest were 15 I was more than done. Prior to that each time we had split up my youngest had got aggressive and angry and my older kids had bullied me into letting him come back. He put on an act front of them and none of them to this day have any idea what I went through to maintain the status quo.
It was all for nothing! Fast forward and I am blamed for ruining their childhoods and staying with him. My kids have forgotten they begged and pleaded with me to let exah stay. 4 of them no longer have any contact with me. I ruined my life and theirs for nothing. You can't win so you may as get out while you can. Whatever you do will cause problems so you may as well make yourself happy and in doing so your kids will eventually work out why. Kids cannot be trusted to know what is best for them.
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Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 415
You know what is best for your children. Just some food for thought...
I am an adult child of an alcoholic (plural) - I married an alcoholic and I am now struggling with leaving my AH - who is in recovery however we all know that alcoholism is not just the drinking.
I have been so beaten down (not physically) mentally that I am now trying to find myself again. I don’t even know if I ever knew who I was due to my upbringing... break the cycle.
I am an adult child of an alcoholic (plural) - I married an alcoholic and I am now struggling with leaving my AH - who is in recovery however we all know that alcoholism is not just the drinking.
I have been so beaten down (not physically) mentally that I am now trying to find myself again. I don’t even know if I ever knew who I was due to my upbringing... break the cycle.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I personally feel that being present physically but checked out emotionally is not a marriage or any kind of a healthy relationship. Divorce is not a tragedy the tragedy is staying in an unhappy marriage, teaching your children the wrong things about love.
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 193
My husband's kids were not aware of the disfunction in his marriage and begged in the face or his divorce. They were about your kids' ages. He went ahead with it and four years later they are old enough to articulate how much better it is now versus then. They now live in a happy household where we know we are modeling positively.
Divorce is difficult for everyone in the short term but it does get better. It's easier when kids are younger vs older. And alcoholism is progressive - so it gets worse.
Divorce is difficult for everyone in the short term but it does get better. It's easier when kids are younger vs older. And alcoholism is progressive - so it gets worse.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 199
Whether some people agree with Dr. Phil or not, he has a saying that I agree with (I'm from a divorced home), "Kids would rather be from a broken home than live in one."
I was 14 when my parents got divorced. I remember feeling relieved after they separated and divorced. Relieved because the fighting, strife and black cloud was lifted over our day to day living. There was peace and calm. We actually had a better relationship with our father AFTER the divorce.
I was 14 when my parents got divorced. I remember feeling relieved after they separated and divorced. Relieved because the fighting, strife and black cloud was lifted over our day to day living. There was peace and calm. We actually had a better relationship with our father AFTER the divorce.
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Thanks
I just want to thank all of you for sharing insight with me. I guess making this decision of leaving this time is difficult . I know this time when I leave there will be no turning back because I will not take the chance again for the kids sake and go back and forth with them. My oldest son senses everything that is going on and he keeps asking " do you think daddy drank tonight ", " are you and daddy getting along", " Daddy cooks good ", daddy this and daddy that. It breaks my heart to see my child or any child to have to worry about adult things. He is so in fear that I will divorce his father, he is obsessing over it. It just breaks my heart because the truth is I will have to divorce his father and I know he just doesn't understand the reason why at this age. I feel my son is watching every move I make I know he will blame me but I have to be strong and remember I am doing what is going to be what I feel in their best interest. My husband has escalated so far back into drinking that he doesn't even want to stop. At least I honestly don't think he does or he has given up on himself and doesn't think he can. He does not even try to apologize for it and he won't go to meetings he doesn't show me any hope at all.
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Join Date: Dec 2004
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Hi Disney,
I posted this a while ago;
My youngest son is now 11. Alcoholism is chronic and progressive. While it got worse, DS hated the tension and arguments, yet he feared his dad and I would separate. Once I left with DS (literally packed some things, got in the car and LEFT!) we healed MUCH quicker than with all the therapy and support we received before leaving.
DS is happy and playful. He's also had a lot of anger, sadness and so many other emotions to work through... and now he gets to do that!
Alanon has helped me heal. Alakid/Alateen has helped DS heal. We have also been to several domestic violence help centers for support, therapy and counseling. Being in the vicinity of active alcoholism/addiction is traumatizing.
Going "No Contact" made all the difference in not going back into the chaos yet again. Before that, I kept yo-yo-ing because the chaos was SO familiar and felt more "comfortable" than living with peace, laughter and joy.
(((Hugs)))
KTF
I posted this a while ago;
Goal: healing, happiness, healthy life and relationships
Method: no contact, reminding myself of the many things I've been through with my alcoholic partner that I never want to revisit
A new day. It's up to me what I make of it.
I have a new resume. There is no mention on it of experience in dealing with alcoholic craziness. It's not something I want to be doing.
Going to spend time at the library today. Lots of healthy, active, nice people ... so thankful for finding supportive places to change up my actions. It's time to change completely what is "familiar" to me.
Method: no contact, reminding myself of the many things I've been through with my alcoholic partner that I never want to revisit
A new day. It's up to me what I make of it.
I have a new resume. There is no mention on it of experience in dealing with alcoholic craziness. It's not something I want to be doing.
Going to spend time at the library today. Lots of healthy, active, nice people ... so thankful for finding supportive places to change up my actions. It's time to change completely what is "familiar" to me.
DS is happy and playful. He's also had a lot of anger, sadness and so many other emotions to work through... and now he gets to do that!
Alanon has helped me heal. Alakid/Alateen has helped DS heal. We have also been to several domestic violence help centers for support, therapy and counseling. Being in the vicinity of active alcoholism/addiction is traumatizing.
Going "No Contact" made all the difference in not going back into the chaos yet again. Before that, I kept yo-yo-ing because the chaos was SO familiar and felt more "comfortable" than living with peace, laughter and joy.
(((Hugs)))
KTF
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
My adult daughter is very close to her dad now. And no longer close or kind to me. She grew up in a home that completely revolved around the alcoholic being the most important person. Our older kids and I were very close, spent lots of time together and rarely had time with their dad who is workaholic and alcoholic. When he was around EVERYTHING changed and they naturally adapted to making his wants, needs, emotions and happiness the most important thing in our lives. If we could control that, we all "felt better". We got a false sense of relief.
He is now welcomed by her, with warmth and humor. I currently receive ice and no direct conversions unless they are forced.
He is now welcomed by her, with warmth and humor. I currently receive ice and no direct conversions unless they are forced.
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