Got through Holidays!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 773
Got through Holidays!
Hi everyone - Happy New Year!
Just wanted to check in post break.
I have seen way more XAH over the break than anticipated, but way less than last year (my family was not in town - no one to woo with nice gestures and to try to get to talk me know letting him join us)
He initially wanted to come over on Christmas Eve and stay over till Christmas Day, I limited it to Christmas Eve dinner - 3 hours
The biggest challenge was when he had DS for a few days after New Years - and he was supposed to be staying at his place - but he ended up hanging around my house because “DS did not want to be out of town”, according to him. This is very difficult for me as DS loves spending time with him and, while manipulative, I let it slide (probably wrong, but this is where I am). I did my own thing, and did not interact with him much at all (outside of him asking me to buy him food and me saying that I don’t have money and he may help himself to the food from the fridge)
The only major issue came up last day, right before he was leaving he decided to start the drama. Claimed that he may not have his job in 1.5 years (contract expires), and this is where I made a mistake trying to be supportive and saying that it is still ways off and there are many things he can do between now and then to secure longer tenure. He proceeded to blow up on me completely, went to his whole “you did this and that for 12 years and never listen, you are crazy and should stop taking your meds (steroid for breathing problems)”. While I am not proud of even piping up (I know better), I am proud of staying calm throughout the whole thing and asking him to leave while saying “ok I understand, please don’t share you personal life with me if you never want me to say anything”. I realize he wanted me to just listen (perhaps?), but I really don’t have time or desire to overanalyze his motivations and provide emotional support as I am not his friend. Any feedback on how it could have been done differently? I really want to get this idea of not sharing his life with me while staying cordial for purposes of co-parenting.
Overall - I shed no tears over this break (very big difference vs last year) and had much more fun.
I hope this 2018 brings more happy recovery moments!
Just wanted to check in post break.
I have seen way more XAH over the break than anticipated, but way less than last year (my family was not in town - no one to woo with nice gestures and to try to get to talk me know letting him join us)
He initially wanted to come over on Christmas Eve and stay over till Christmas Day, I limited it to Christmas Eve dinner - 3 hours
The biggest challenge was when he had DS for a few days after New Years - and he was supposed to be staying at his place - but he ended up hanging around my house because “DS did not want to be out of town”, according to him. This is very difficult for me as DS loves spending time with him and, while manipulative, I let it slide (probably wrong, but this is where I am). I did my own thing, and did not interact with him much at all (outside of him asking me to buy him food and me saying that I don’t have money and he may help himself to the food from the fridge)
The only major issue came up last day, right before he was leaving he decided to start the drama. Claimed that he may not have his job in 1.5 years (contract expires), and this is where I made a mistake trying to be supportive and saying that it is still ways off and there are many things he can do between now and then to secure longer tenure. He proceeded to blow up on me completely, went to his whole “you did this and that for 12 years and never listen, you are crazy and should stop taking your meds (steroid for breathing problems)”. While I am not proud of even piping up (I know better), I am proud of staying calm throughout the whole thing and asking him to leave while saying “ok I understand, please don’t share you personal life with me if you never want me to say anything”. I realize he wanted me to just listen (perhaps?), but I really don’t have time or desire to overanalyze his motivations and provide emotional support as I am not his friend. Any feedback on how it could have been done differently? I really want to get this idea of not sharing his life with me while staying cordial for purposes of co-parenting.
Overall - I shed no tears over this break (very big difference vs last year) and had much more fun.
I hope this 2018 brings more happy recovery moments!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, Nata.
Glad you got through relatively unscathed.
Sounds as though your ex isn’t done with you yet.
Understand that his wanting to hang out at the house and offering an excuse to do so is tough to counter.
Next time? Guess you could call him on his crap and tell him that his daughter loves to spend time with him no matter where, your house is not a way station, and the last time he spent time there you got into a fight and you are Not.Doing.That.Again.
Probably will lead to more ugly, but sometimes pushback is all you have.
It’s complicated, I know, but who needs this mishegas?
Glad you got through relatively unscathed.
Sounds as though your ex isn’t done with you yet.
Understand that his wanting to hang out at the house and offering an excuse to do so is tough to counter.
Next time? Guess you could call him on his crap and tell him that his daughter loves to spend time with him no matter where, your house is not a way station, and the last time he spent time there you got into a fight and you are Not.Doing.That.Again.
Probably will lead to more ugly, but sometimes pushback is all you have.
It’s complicated, I know, but who needs this mishegas?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,009
Nata, it sounds to me like you did pretty well. Those of you who can't do no-contact because of a child have a tough road to walk.
I remember someone on here describing interacting with her AH with lots of "Hmm."s, "Ok"s, "Could be"s, "Uh huh"s. .
Congrats on a better Christmas and may 2018 be even better.
I remember someone on here describing interacting with her AH with lots of "Hmm."s, "Ok"s, "Could be"s, "Uh huh"s. .
Congrats on a better Christmas and may 2018 be even better.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Nata, with as much time as he spent at your place during the holidays, I am not really surprised that he felt it was okay it share personal stuff with you. Seems like a very fuzzy boundary to me.
If your desire is cordial co-parenting, it might be best to stick to only talking about parenting stuff, and letting him figure out how to be a parent in places other than your home.
If your desire is cordial co-parenting, it might be best to stick to only talking about parenting stuff, and letting him figure out how to be a parent in places other than your home.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 773
Originally Posted by dandylion 
Nata.....I think you did a fabulous job, considering the circumstances!!!
Happy 2018!
Happy 2018!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
Ignoring is good, if you can manage it. It sounds like he is trying to engage you (or bait you into an argument). I have found that good responses to people like that include:
"Yeah, that's possible"
"You could be right"
"I don't really know about that"
"Anything might happen"
"That probably depends on a lot of things"
The trick is to not insert any of your own ideas, opinions, or other information into the conversation, while uttering content-free statements, so you don't get dragged into "why are you IGNORING me??? I'm TALKING to you!!" etc.
With respect to him hanging around your place, would it be possible to schedule things at a certain time so everyone has to leave (even if the "thing" is just you wanting to get coffee on your own)? Or planning to be away for a couple of days when he has DS, so he can't hang around your place?
"Yeah, that's possible"
"You could be right"
"I don't really know about that"
"Anything might happen"
"That probably depends on a lot of things"
The trick is to not insert any of your own ideas, opinions, or other information into the conversation, while uttering content-free statements, so you don't get dragged into "why are you IGNORING me??? I'm TALKING to you!!" etc.
With respect to him hanging around your place, would it be possible to schedule things at a certain time so everyone has to leave (even if the "thing" is just you wanting to get coffee on your own)? Or planning to be away for a couple of days when he has DS, so he can't hang around your place?
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Nata...I think you did really great!
When I first separated from my XAH he would come over to my house. Wow, that was really difficult. Now some time has passed. He has come over one time when my child had a minor surgery to visit her. I chose to take that time to go get her some things she needed. There were three other people there and I could tell he was sober. He did not stay long though, but it was ok.
It really is difficult when you cannot go NC because of children. However, once you don't engage (and it sounds like you are not, good for you), they eventually stop trying, or at least it becomes much, much less.
Big hugs and a Happy New Year to you!
When I first separated from my XAH he would come over to my house. Wow, that was really difficult. Now some time has passed. He has come over one time when my child had a minor surgery to visit her. I chose to take that time to go get her some things she needed. There were three other people there and I could tell he was sober. He did not stay long though, but it was ok.
It really is difficult when you cannot go NC because of children. However, once you don't engage (and it sounds like you are not, good for you), they eventually stop trying, or at least it becomes much, much less.
Big hugs and a Happy New Year to you!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
