Partying Girlfriend
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 1
Partying Girlfriend
I’ve been dating a woman for a little over a year—she’s smart, compassionate, and driven. I’ve never loved someone so deeply and fully. From the beginning, I knew she enjoyed drinking. I knew that she liked drinking often and a lot. But, we’re young and we’re law students and these qualities didn’t strike me as unusual or alarming.
A few months into our relationship, however, I became alarmed. We had just finished our law school finals—a daunting and stressful event—and we went to our post exam bar review. She got so drunk that I couldn’t bring her up the stairs to my apartment and a neighbor called an ambulance, which brought her to the emergency room. We spoke about it and she attributed it to stress, assured me that the event was unusual, and apologized profusely. So—we continued to date.
Since that night, there have been many more stressful night. Admittedly, none quite as bad as the first. But at least once a month she’ll go out and return so drunk her speech is slurred and her gait unsteady. This terrifies me—once, she called me unable to find the Uber she summoned. Recently, she was kicked out of a bar for falling. Her friends brought her to me and she barely made it up the stairs.
I don’t know that she’s an alcoholic in the way I’m most familiar with that term—she is not physically dependent on the substance. She can have a few beers and stop drinking. She can go months without drinking. The problem, for me, is I can’t predict which nights will be normal nights and on which nights she won’t stop. When I attempt to talk to her about it, she becomes angry and defensive—accusing me of being controlling of preventing her from being social.
That accusation is not totally misplaced—I’m particularly frightened by alcohol consumption. My sister struggles with dependence and there’s a long history of substance abuse in my family. However, these same dependencies plight her family, too—her mother is a recovered alcoholic who left her father because of his continuing alcohol abuse.
My difficulty is this: if it were not for her drinking, I would say, with absolute certainty, that I would spend the rest of my life with this woman. This most recent night when my heart was kicked out of this bar has left me haunted—I had asked her to go home with me earlier in the night and she angrily refused. When her friends returned her to me, I knew I had to discuss this with her. I don’t know how to discuss her drinking with her because she reacts angrily when I try to bring it up. I was wondering if people had advice—in how to discuss her drinking in a productive way, or in evaluating whenter the drinking is a problem.
Thank you.
A few months into our relationship, however, I became alarmed. We had just finished our law school finals—a daunting and stressful event—and we went to our post exam bar review. She got so drunk that I couldn’t bring her up the stairs to my apartment and a neighbor called an ambulance, which brought her to the emergency room. We spoke about it and she attributed it to stress, assured me that the event was unusual, and apologized profusely. So—we continued to date.
Since that night, there have been many more stressful night. Admittedly, none quite as bad as the first. But at least once a month she’ll go out and return so drunk her speech is slurred and her gait unsteady. This terrifies me—once, she called me unable to find the Uber she summoned. Recently, she was kicked out of a bar for falling. Her friends brought her to me and she barely made it up the stairs.
I don’t know that she’s an alcoholic in the way I’m most familiar with that term—she is not physically dependent on the substance. She can have a few beers and stop drinking. She can go months without drinking. The problem, for me, is I can’t predict which nights will be normal nights and on which nights she won’t stop. When I attempt to talk to her about it, she becomes angry and defensive—accusing me of being controlling of preventing her from being social.
That accusation is not totally misplaced—I’m particularly frightened by alcohol consumption. My sister struggles with dependence and there’s a long history of substance abuse in my family. However, these same dependencies plight her family, too—her mother is a recovered alcoholic who left her father because of his continuing alcohol abuse.
My difficulty is this: if it were not for her drinking, I would say, with absolute certainty, that I would spend the rest of my life with this woman. This most recent night when my heart was kicked out of this bar has left me haunted—I had asked her to go home with me earlier in the night and she angrily refused. When her friends returned her to me, I knew I had to discuss this with her. I don’t know how to discuss her drinking with her because she reacts angrily when I try to bring it up. I was wondering if people had advice—in how to discuss her drinking in a productive way, or in evaluating whenter the drinking is a problem.
Thank you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
Hey AJF . . . Welcome to the Forum!! 
I'm gonna be honest and say you can't talk to someone about their drinking if they don't want to talk about their drinking, it's a very frustrating and lonely place on the outside, looking in on someone else's drinking, and especially if they don't want to or have no intention of changing, you can't make someone change the course of their life if they don't want to.
But that leads to a serious question, where is this relationship going, and the only advice I can offer, is don't let your life pass you buy waiting on someone to change, if that is indeed what you're waiting on, they may change, but what if they don't??
You'll find loads of support here on SR!!
I'm gonna be honest and say you can't talk to someone about their drinking if they don't want to talk about their drinking, it's a very frustrating and lonely place on the outside, looking in on someone else's drinking, and especially if they don't want to or have no intention of changing, you can't make someone change the course of their life if they don't want to.
But that leads to a serious question, where is this relationship going, and the only advice I can offer, is don't let your life pass you buy waiting on someone to change, if that is indeed what you're waiting on, they may change, but what if they don't??
You'll find loads of support here on SR!!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 514
Hi AJF! That is an extremely difficult position to be in. I can speak to what it's like on the other side, as I faced a VERY similar situation with a man whom I loved, who is now my ex because of my drinking. I was getting my Masters and he was a postdoc. Drinking was ok because we weren't homeless or any other stereotype of an alcoholic... but mine was very much not social; it was a need I could not control once I had just one drink. It sounds like she is similar. I made a million excuses about stress, peer pressure, not eating enough... in retrospect, that was all BS. I drank like an alcoholic because I am an alcoholic. Thats a dirty word in many circles, and I remember being furious w my ex when he first used it.
Unfortunately what Purple said is true. If an alcoholic is not ready to face it, they will dismiss everything you say (and unfortunately for you she's probably good at making an argument!!!) I would say the best approach is one of compassion and concern; stress that alcoholism is a progressive and aggressive disease, and if she is a person who can't flip the switch off once it's been flipped... continuing attempts to control it will only make it worse. And it will get worse if she doesn't work to stop completely. Other than that... she will just accuse you of being controlling. That's a tough spot, but keep posting and learning things here!!!
Unfortunately what Purple said is true. If an alcoholic is not ready to face it, they will dismiss everything you say (and unfortunately for you she's probably good at making an argument!!!) I would say the best approach is one of compassion and concern; stress that alcoholism is a progressive and aggressive disease, and if she is a person who can't flip the switch off once it's been flipped... continuing attempts to control it will only make it worse. And it will get worse if she doesn't work to stop completely. Other than that... she will just accuse you of being controlling. That's a tough spot, but keep posting and learning things here!!!
Samantha
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 2,031
Maybe you could attend an al anon meeting?
That should help you realize what you’re getting into but might also kickstart her to realize that her drinking that much really bothers you.
If she’s anything like me (and it sounds like it as I am not a daily dependant, but I binge drink), she’s selfish and probably has a bigger issue than you think, and won’t stop.
She has to work on it now, before it gets worse.
That should help you realize what you’re getting into but might also kickstart her to realize that her drinking that much really bothers you.
If she’s anything like me (and it sounds like it as I am not a daily dependant, but I binge drink), she’s selfish and probably has a bigger issue than you think, and won’t stop.
She has to work on it now, before it gets worse.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
It’s the alcohol, but more to the point it’s her response to you trying to talk to her about the alcohol.
Most young people have had a few nights where they drank too much. Hey, most people, period. But normal people, normal drinkers, wake up the next day and then modify their behavior so it doesn’t happen again. They honestly admit to themselves they drank too much and then they almost automatically modify their actions accordingly. Regrettable, embarrassing but lesson learned.
What alcoholics do instead is deny, deny and attack. Anything to direct attention away from drinking as the core problem. Drinking has clearly put her in danger and threatened her relationship with you. A logical, intelligent response is to recognize that and admit it to herself...instead she’s clinging to drinking, making excuses and blaming you.
I hope you’ll do some reading here. There’s a ton of hard-earned wisdom on both sides. Bottom line is that she doesn’t think booze is a problem, which means it won’t get better and is most likely going to get much worse. And unless she wants to change, there’s not a thing you can do or say that will make any difference.
It’s a tough thing to accept.
Wishing you strength and clarity.
Most young people have had a few nights where they drank too much. Hey, most people, period. But normal people, normal drinkers, wake up the next day and then modify their behavior so it doesn’t happen again. They honestly admit to themselves they drank too much and then they almost automatically modify their actions accordingly. Regrettable, embarrassing but lesson learned.
What alcoholics do instead is deny, deny and attack. Anything to direct attention away from drinking as the core problem. Drinking has clearly put her in danger and threatened her relationship with you. A logical, intelligent response is to recognize that and admit it to herself...instead she’s clinging to drinking, making excuses and blaming you.
I hope you’ll do some reading here. There’s a ton of hard-earned wisdom on both sides. Bottom line is that she doesn’t think booze is a problem, which means it won’t get better and is most likely going to get much worse. And unless she wants to change, there’s not a thing you can do or say that will make any difference.
It’s a tough thing to accept.
Wishing you strength and clarity.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,786
I too would suggest AlAnon for support for yourself. She doesn't sound like she wants to stop drinking, despite horrible consequences. 
Perhaps set some boundaries of what you will and won't tolerate from her. And stick to your word. Alcoholics are good at pushing boundaries.
We have a forum for friends and family that might be helpful to you.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
Perhaps set some boundaries of what you will and won't tolerate from her. And stick to your word. Alcoholics are good at pushing boundaries. We have a forum for friends and family that might be helpful to you.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
I'm from both sides of the fence here and man are you in a tough spot! Once I got sober I left my still partying GF. It was too much stress for me to handle and remain sober myself. From here and AA helped me to understand why my 'thinking' was off from normal, I knew I couldn't help get her sober and I knew she was perfectly happy the way she was/is living. Wasn't for me anymore. There's only so much that people will tolerate and that's up to you. Getting and staying sober has to be 100% her decision and doing. Nothing you try to suggest for her will help until she's ready.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 403
Sounds like a recipe for disaster--if you don't intervene (or, more aptly, if she doesn't intervene), this can only worsen. She's in law school--likely, a highly successful individual who is relying increasingly on alcohol in the interludes between studying/prepping and life. I'm quite sure it will only get worse and if you are committed to sticking around to pick up the pieces, go for it. I don't mean to seem harsh--this is predictably where it will lead.
Alcoholism is on the rise, particularly among professional women. I know from personal experience. I started my drinking career during my time at a top graduate school. By the time I defended (PhD), I was a full blown, young alcoholic. I was sipping vodka during the defense because of my nerves.
I did not get things under control until about a year ago (four years after defending). My desire (obsession) to achieve highly, coupled with the demands of graduate school, drove me drink. Throw in real life problems with husband, kids, etc. (yep, there's those, too) and vodka became my only "true friend"--the only one that numbed things out and wasn't an immediate headache (until it was). I ended up in the hospital. Days before that, I was performing excellently at my job (but drinking all around it).
Oh, and, yes, most of us are highly functioning, but it still was deeply damaging to my personal relationships. The career didn't really suffer.
I say this as someone on the other side and my husband would probably concur--get out while you are able to free yourself from what will become a vortex. If she's holding it together for her exams, the bar, etc., this means nothing. I aced everything--killed interviews, etc. Still almost died and have ruined all major relationships.
Alcoholism is on the rise, particularly among professional women. I know from personal experience. I started my drinking career during my time at a top graduate school. By the time I defended (PhD), I was a full blown, young alcoholic. I was sipping vodka during the defense because of my nerves.
I did not get things under control until about a year ago (four years after defending). My desire (obsession) to achieve highly, coupled with the demands of graduate school, drove me drink. Throw in real life problems with husband, kids, etc. (yep, there's those, too) and vodka became my only "true friend"--the only one that numbed things out and wasn't an immediate headache (until it was). I ended up in the hospital. Days before that, I was performing excellently at my job (but drinking all around it).
Oh, and, yes, most of us are highly functioning, but it still was deeply damaging to my personal relationships. The career didn't really suffer.
I say this as someone on the other side and my husband would probably concur--get out while you are able to free yourself from what will become a vortex. If she's holding it together for her exams, the bar, etc., this means nothing. I aced everything--killed interviews, etc. Still almost died and have ruined all major relationships.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: CA
Posts: 1,060
wether she is an alcoholic or not, do you want to live with her drinking the way she does? Or acts the way she does? If this is how she has been in the relationship, then this is how you can expect her to be in the relationship going forward.
As other's suggested, get to Ala-non. People can change when they want to, but your post suggests otherwise for your GF.
Good luck
As other's suggested, get to Ala-non. People can change when they want to, but your post suggests otherwise for your GF.
Good luck
Member
Join Date: Dec 2017
Location: Plymouth, MI
Posts: 147
I will weigh in..... Alcoholics go through many stages of their addiction. For years...I was the type of alcoholic that only drank on weekends. However...when I DID drink...I drank to excess. I drank until I was wasted. I drank until someone told me to stop or I was so drunk...I passed out. Its not how OFTEN someone drinks that makes them an alcoholic...its how much they drink WHEN they DO drink and what HAPPENS when they DO drink. She has consequences when she drinks. Sounds like MAJOR ones, at that. And I will say this much too.....alcoholics who arent ready to stop OR ADMIT they are alcoholics always get angry and defensive when asked about their drinking. They go into "protect mode". Like "Nobody is going to take my drinking away from me".... To me....she sounds like an alcoholic...but shes not ready to admit it. She is in denial. I know this isnt what you wanted to hear. Im very sorry that you AND HER are going through this.
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