Nephew
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 1
Nephew
Hello,
Thank you posting. My nephew is 30 years old and has been currently living with his grandmother (my mother) on and off for 15 years. My mother enables him with absolutely everything. She cooks for him, washes his clothes, gives him money, etc. He is fortunate to work for his father doing lawns, if my mother encourages him for an hour to get up. He crashed her car and totaled it, has thrown furniture and broken it, has destroyed almost every wall and or doors. Lately, he has been paranoid telling us drones were following and watching him, cameras were in the clocks around her house, took her front dash out of her car because he assumed cameras were in there recording him. She drives him to the clinic every other day for methadone, to get his cigarettes and such.
My mother is on a limited income and continues to tell us, her three daughters, she needs money.
My niece is getting married soon and everyone is in agreement he will not be IN the wedding. Someone is going to be with him at all times bc everyone is afraid his paranoia will come out. He has been to rehab 3 times. I am quite sure he is still using.
Just need some advice if anyone is willing.
I am so disgusted with my mother and HIS own mother for enabling him. He will wind up dead with an overdose bc they meet every need he has. My mother has ignored her other four grandchildren for many years to take care of him. I refuse to go to her house bc he is there.
I want to have no contact with either of them until they have a plan but I feel horribly guilty for not seeing my 67 year old mother.
It eats me alive on daily basis. I know this is extremely difficult for him and the struggle of an addiction but enabling him is not the solution.
Someone please give me advice on what we need to do??
Thank you for your post. It helps knowing there are other’s struggling with the same issue.
But...I wouldn’t allow her to be in the wedding and then you have to be concerned about her behavior when it’s your day to be happy.
Good luck!!
Thank you posting. My nephew is 30 years old and has been currently living with his grandmother (my mother) on and off for 15 years. My mother enables him with absolutely everything. She cooks for him, washes his clothes, gives him money, etc. He is fortunate to work for his father doing lawns, if my mother encourages him for an hour to get up. He crashed her car and totaled it, has thrown furniture and broken it, has destroyed almost every wall and or doors. Lately, he has been paranoid telling us drones were following and watching him, cameras were in the clocks around her house, took her front dash out of her car because he assumed cameras were in there recording him. She drives him to the clinic every other day for methadone, to get his cigarettes and such.
My mother is on a limited income and continues to tell us, her three daughters, she needs money.
My niece is getting married soon and everyone is in agreement he will not be IN the wedding. Someone is going to be with him at all times bc everyone is afraid his paranoia will come out. He has been to rehab 3 times. I am quite sure he is still using.
Just need some advice if anyone is willing.
I am so disgusted with my mother and HIS own mother for enabling him. He will wind up dead with an overdose bc they meet every need he has. My mother has ignored her other four grandchildren for many years to take care of him. I refuse to go to her house bc he is there.
I want to have no contact with either of them until they have a plan but I feel horribly guilty for not seeing my 67 year old mother.
It eats me alive on daily basis. I know this is extremely difficult for him and the struggle of an addiction but enabling him is not the solution.
Someone please give me advice on what we need to do??
Thank you for your post. It helps knowing there are other’s struggling with the same issue.
But...I wouldn’t allow her to be in the wedding and then you have to be concerned about her behavior when it’s your day to be happy.
Good luck!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,644
Hi Heather and welcome!
I'm a little confused, i'm not sure why you are not seeing your Mother? I understand that you don't agree with the way she enables her Nephew but not I'm not quite sure how that prohibits you from say, meeting her for lunch.
Perhaps only seeing your Mom without her Nephew around/no discussion about him and perhaps only meeting her outside her home for visits, that might work?
It almost seems like you are either trying to punish her or to force her to comply with your judgement of the situation?
Sorry if I'm off base there.
Glad you found SR, there is a lot of support and information here!
I'm a little confused, i'm not sure why you are not seeing your Mother? I understand that you don't agree with the way she enables her Nephew but not I'm not quite sure how that prohibits you from say, meeting her for lunch.
Perhaps only seeing your Mom without her Nephew around/no discussion about him and perhaps only meeting her outside her home for visits, that might work?
It almost seems like you are either trying to punish her or to force her to comply with your judgement of the situation?
Sorry if I'm off base there.
Glad you found SR, there is a lot of support and information here!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, Heather.
Welcome.
It is indeed frustrating to have a front row seat to family dysfunction.
I empathize with your frustration and anger.
My alcohol addicted sib lives with my mother, has for years.
Now they are both aging, and health issues, especially for my sib, are making things a bit complicated.
Here’s the thing, your mother and your aunt are not going to change.
Much as you might like, in your heart of hearts, to see your nephew get tossed out on his entitled rear end, it is likely not ever happening.
So, what do you do with your feelings?
I have found that Al-Anon meetings and literature helps me somewhat with my substantial anger and resentment, but it never really goes away for me.
I maintain as much mental distance as I can from this enabling, enmeshed relationship and I don’t let it rent space in my head.
Good luck and good thoughts.
Welcome.
It is indeed frustrating to have a front row seat to family dysfunction.
I empathize with your frustration and anger.
My alcohol addicted sib lives with my mother, has for years.
Now they are both aging, and health issues, especially for my sib, are making things a bit complicated.
Here’s the thing, your mother and your aunt are not going to change.
Much as you might like, in your heart of hearts, to see your nephew get tossed out on his entitled rear end, it is likely not ever happening.
So, what do you do with your feelings?
I have found that Al-Anon meetings and literature helps me somewhat with my substantial anger and resentment, but it never really goes away for me.
I maintain as much mental distance as I can from this enabling, enmeshed relationship and I don’t let it rent space in my head.
Good luck and good thoughts.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Hello. I am so sorry about your nephew, and even more so about your mom.
She won't stop enabling until she has had enough, and that may never happen. So what you could do is kindly sit her down and let her know you can no longer contribute financially. The rest is up to her. I would also like to recommend you and your mom to Naranon or Celebrate Recovery.
Big Hugs!
She won't stop enabling until she has had enough, and that may never happen. So what you could do is kindly sit her down and let her know you can no longer contribute financially. The rest is up to her. I would also like to recommend you and your mom to Naranon or Celebrate Recovery.
Big Hugs!
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