So today...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Mich
Posts: 212
So today...
I had plans with a couple of old friends for lunch. AH drank all day and by the time I got home he was feeling no pain. But, he did tell me he had contacted his therapist and was waiting for a call back. He spoke to 2 AA friends via the phone, 1 came over and the therapist called back. He is supposed to go to a meeting tomorrow and has 3-4 people checking on him, therapist will be seeing him again starting this week. I hope whenhe wakes up, he does those things.
Not getting my hopes up for me, but for him, I pray he is really ready to surrender again and deal with this 100%. He made these calls today, he asked for the help, which are good signs. In the past, he has always asked for help when he was ready and followed through.
I continue to focus on ME and what I need to do for ME. I am detaching from this with love. If he knows he has my support to do what he needs to, if he wants me to attend any open talks with him, he knows he has to ask.
Not getting my hopes up for me, but for him, I pray he is really ready to surrender again and deal with this 100%. He made these calls today, he asked for the help, which are good signs. In the past, he has always asked for help when he was ready and followed through.
I continue to focus on ME and what I need to do for ME. I am detaching from this with love. If he knows he has my support to do what he needs to, if he wants me to attend any open talks with him, he knows he has to ask.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
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Originally Posted by spedteach 
I continue to focus on ME and what I need to do for ME. I am detaching from this with love. .
Good on ya Spedteach but it must be tough being on this roller coaster. Keep on doing what you are doing!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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spedtech....I am glad that you are detaching from him.....for your own sake.
After reading thousands of stories, here, and working with alcoholics, in the past....one pattern that I have notices is that, when there is a crisis in the relationship....especially when a partner is about to leave...the alcoholic will make promises...and, sometimes...movements toward "getting help".
Typically, the partner is over the moon, happy, to hear this...because they have been praying for this time...believing , in their bones that "help" means the road to sobriety, and, sobriety means that the marriage will be saved, and that a normal happy family...the original dream, will come true...
The sticky wicket, for most, in this k I nd of scenario is that the alcoholic and the partner, both, are usually woefully ignorant of the true nature of alcoholism....on several important points....
1. Underestimating the amount of dedication the alcoholic will need....for an ENTIRE LIFETIME....of living the principles of a program...
2. Understanding that relapse is just one drink away...whether it is 10 or 20yrs....or 30 or more....
3. That there is no such thing as controlled drinking for an alcoholic
4. That when an alcoholic relapses from sobriety...the disease has been progressing, the whole time...so that, when drinking does resume ..it is as though there was never any period of sobriety...
5. If the alcoholic seeks out sobriety to please the courts, or a partner, ...or any other reason....other than the real desire...or, desperation to live sober...the motivation usually falls by the wayside.....
6. Most alcoholics that have progressed in their disease will do anything to avoid AA....preferring to seek out counselors, etc...as their primary "help"...rather than an ADJUNCT....to AA.......
The reason that I am mentioning this stuff, to you, is so that you will be fully aware of what you are up against...as well as what he will be up against....
Even if he doesn't know and is in denial....it is even more important that you k now what he doesn't. This is for your own protection and so that you can make the best decisions for your welfare.....
I think it is terrific that he has the support of the AA members!!!!
I don't mean to be lecturing you...lol....
I'm just saying......
After reading thousands of stories, here, and working with alcoholics, in the past....one pattern that I have notices is that, when there is a crisis in the relationship....especially when a partner is about to leave...the alcoholic will make promises...and, sometimes...movements toward "getting help".
Typically, the partner is over the moon, happy, to hear this...because they have been praying for this time...believing , in their bones that "help" means the road to sobriety, and, sobriety means that the marriage will be saved, and that a normal happy family...the original dream, will come true...
The sticky wicket, for most, in this k I nd of scenario is that the alcoholic and the partner, both, are usually woefully ignorant of the true nature of alcoholism....on several important points....
1. Underestimating the amount of dedication the alcoholic will need....for an ENTIRE LIFETIME....of living the principles of a program...
2. Understanding that relapse is just one drink away...whether it is 10 or 20yrs....or 30 or more....
3. That there is no such thing as controlled drinking for an alcoholic
4. That when an alcoholic relapses from sobriety...the disease has been progressing, the whole time...so that, when drinking does resume ..it is as though there was never any period of sobriety...
5. If the alcoholic seeks out sobriety to please the courts, or a partner, ...or any other reason....other than the real desire...or, desperation to live sober...the motivation usually falls by the wayside.....
6. Most alcoholics that have progressed in their disease will do anything to avoid AA....preferring to seek out counselors, etc...as their primary "help"...rather than an ADJUNCT....to AA.......
The reason that I am mentioning this stuff, to you, is so that you will be fully aware of what you are up against...as well as what he will be up against....
Even if he doesn't know and is in denial....it is even more important that you k now what he doesn't. This is for your own protection and so that you can make the best decisions for your welfare.....
I think it is terrific that he has the support of the AA members!!!!
I don't mean to be lecturing you...lol....
I'm just saying......
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Mich
Posts: 212
..
The reason that I am mentioning this stuff, to you, is so that you will be fully aware of what you are up against...as well as what he will be up against....
Even if he doesn't know and is in denial....it is even more important that you k now what he doesn't. This is for your own protection and so that you can make the best decisions for your welfare.....
I think it is terrific that he has the support of the AA members!!!!
I don't mean to be lecturing you...lol....
I'm just saying......[/QUOTE]
You are good...didn't take it as a lecture. This isn't my 1st rodeo with him. It is a life long, daily effort for him. He has to do the hard work and he has to know and take responsibility for not drinking. When he is working the program, he is a different person. There are some things and people he needs out of his life, he knows that for peace to happen, he has to either confront these people directly or cut them off...they are triggers for him. His therapist actually recommends very little contact with a few famil members for some time. (Only reason I mentioned it) but HE has to do it.
I am simply amazed at how the AA family he has mobilized as soon as he made calls last night. 1 was at the house within an hour, 2 took the time to talk to him via phone and all 3 gave him the same message. There was coordinating on their part as we learned but they were there for him. Therapist called and talked to him, texted him and gave him an appointment date and time. The AA friends will be with him at meetings daily until he's strong enough to go at it alone. One of the AA friends texted me last night and asked that I remind him today of their conversation.
He knows I will be supportive of his work on this because he also knows that I will have to make some decisions myself if he continues down this path. Detach with love is not something the younger me could have done. He would have gotten a big earful and been made to feel worse. But clearly, He is already beating himself up enough for an army. I will continue to go about my business as I normally do and only involve myself when he asks me to.
The reason that I am mentioning this stuff, to you, is so that you will be fully aware of what you are up against...as well as what he will be up against....
Even if he doesn't know and is in denial....it is even more important that you k now what he doesn't. This is for your own protection and so that you can make the best decisions for your welfare.....
I think it is terrific that he has the support of the AA members!!!!
I don't mean to be lecturing you...lol....
I'm just saying......[/QUOTE]
You are good...didn't take it as a lecture. This isn't my 1st rodeo with him. It is a life long, daily effort for him. He has to do the hard work and he has to know and take responsibility for not drinking. When he is working the program, he is a different person. There are some things and people he needs out of his life, he knows that for peace to happen, he has to either confront these people directly or cut them off...they are triggers for him. His therapist actually recommends very little contact with a few famil members for some time. (Only reason I mentioned it) but HE has to do it.
I am simply amazed at how the AA family he has mobilized as soon as he made calls last night. 1 was at the house within an hour, 2 took the time to talk to him via phone and all 3 gave him the same message. There was coordinating on their part as we learned but they were there for him. Therapist called and talked to him, texted him and gave him an appointment date and time. The AA friends will be with him at meetings daily until he's strong enough to go at it alone. One of the AA friends texted me last night and asked that I remind him today of their conversation.
He knows I will be supportive of his work on this because he also knows that I will have to make some decisions myself if he continues down this path. Detach with love is not something the younger me could have done. He would have gotten a big earful and been made to feel worse. But clearly, He is already beating himself up enough for an army. I will continue to go about my business as I normally do and only involve myself when he asks me to.
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