Leibss

I just want to know your guys' experiences on your friendships after getting sober.

Did your current friends respect it and not drink around you or invite you to parties or events with Alcohol/Drugs? or did they still call you up and invite you out regardless?

Also I am curious on if you felt lonely if you chose the route of dropping your friends and isolating yourself from them?

I'm having a difficult time STAYING sober (binge drinker here), I can last a month not drinking but then someone's birthday comes up and I'm off the rails and it's 5 days later with a brutal withdrawal.

Let me know!

Dee74

Hi Leibsss
Mot of my social circle at the end were drinkers like me - most of them disappeared when I stopped drinking.

A few stood by me tho. and respected my decision - and a few of those even stopped drinking around me

I also reconnected with older friends I'd lost contact with when my drinking became the predominant element of my socialising.

I stayed away from parties and the like for a while. I needed to put clear distance between my old life and who I had been and who I wanted to become.

I didn't stay at home and mope tho - I went out to things that did not need alcohol involved - walks, coffee dates, movies, cafes, museums.

I thought of this as like building up my sober muscles.

I worked my way back up to situations involving alcohol and drinkers - but only when I was sure I preferred being sober and that nothing or no one could sway me on that - least of all myself

It took a few months but I don't regret the time or the parties I might have missed - I look at it all now as a great investment in my continuing recovery

D

Done4today

Welcome Leibss,

When I got serious about my sobriety, I had to pass on many invites. I would accept an invite and then think the whole thing through. I would break down the event to see what my motive to be there was. I learned that many of the events I had gone to over the years was mainly because booze was involved. Now I attend parties to enjoy the people and the true reason for the event.

Hope this helps some.

Good luck

Berrybean

To be honest most of my old drinking gatherings weren't invite events, it was just turn up and get drunk. Those 'friends' used to do the same. So when I stopped turning up, of course they didn't contact me.

A couple of those old friends did though, and were happy to do other stuff, like Dee said, days out. Or just go for coffee and cake, or a walk or a bike ride.

I did stay at home moping for a bit, but that was too miserable and in the end I started going to AA meetings which got me out of the house, as well as doing group exercise classes to music at the gym (body combat, pump, Zumba and the like). That worked for me because there were set times I needed to get there by. Just going to the gym was too vague and I never quite made it. Never made any friends there though.

When I moved house and was living in a new town at a few months sober (not recommended but the move was already in the pipeline before I stopped drinking) then things really changed. There was a couple of ladies at the local AA meetings who I hit it off with really well who has similar sober time to me, and three years later i consider them some of my closest friends. Always good for a chat or some sober activity or another. I also started going to church again - something that had stopped when I was entrenched in my drinking lifestyle. So, that's another new friendship group - again, I'm lucky because it's a very mixed group at church here. I've been open with those closest to me and those who are in a suporting role about my issues around alcohol, as even in church, alcohol can pop up as an issue. I didn't want to have to make excuses for not going to pub based social events if I wasn't feeling up to going, and it's been a relief that I've not had to. My vicar even ensures that if I'm down to serve communion I always get put on wafers rather than wine (made me giggle imagining what he maybe imagined might happen if he put me in charge of the chalice lol. "Oop. Sorry. Berry drank all the wine ..."

I've also got to know new people through volunteering or joining different clubs or societies.

And like Dee, I've mended bridges between old friends who I dropped because they weren't drinkers. And my relationship with my mum and my brother is matter than it ever was, and I look forward to spending time with them.

Funny. I still avoid socialising with people from work. A throwback to when I didn't trust myself not to behave or speak inappropriately perhaps? But I have no desire at all to move the boundaries there (apart from a couple of people out of the the hundred or so I work with).

I must say as well - as sobriety and my recovery progressed, I actualky found that more and more I enjoy quiet time alone. Not something I ever expected to be saying. Anyway. I can pop along to a birthday party or similar now and be happy with arriving late and leaving early, not being at the centre of everything, and not being the party girl I once felt I owed it to myself and others to be. I am just me. If thats not enough for someone they can feel free to find their entertainment elsewhere. I don't owe anyone entertaining, pretty or fun. I'll be walking to the beat of my own drum nowadays, and people can take it or leave it,

BB

Leibss

Thanks for the advice! I definitely think ill try to focus on my health, maybe getting a trainer or something. I am worried of the transition on my mental health, seeing as I'm naturally a very outgoing socializing person, so not going to events or get togethers will be a little difficult.

Thank you guys for your replies!

Gabe1980

Hi Leibss. I drank mainly because I had terrible social anxiety in the beginning. Then it's weird because you don't really know yourself sober and neither do your friends, if they were all drinkers like mine. I've done quite a few sober social events and it was really about breaking through the pain barrier and getting on with it.
If you are really naturally outgoing then it may be a bit easier for you to socialise sober, when you feel ready to. What about doing some online chatting with friends or having folk over to watch films and eat. Social stuff but in a safe setting without the booze? Gabe x

Daisy39

Hi Leibss! My view is similar to what some others have said - when I stopped drinking a few years ago and went to AA for six months, I pretty much avoided going to bars and, early on, parties. I also ended up leaving some close friends behind, though that was primarily because with these people all of our social gatherings centered around drinking and felt uncomfortable for me. I think they would have been fine if I hadn’t had a drink. People drinking mostly to get drunk just seemed like something I didn’t want to be around and actually just had less respect for or something - it was more that I wasn’t interested in them anymore than the other way around. And, of course, I didn’t want the temptation. So I’d often go to a meeting on Friday or Saturday nights, especially in the beginning. It felt comforting knowing so many other people were also in meetings those nights and not out having the time of their lives at parties etc!

I made some really great friends in AA, starting from my very first meeting when I happened to meet a woman about my age who was also at her first meeting and similarly a “high functioning” alcoholic. I also occasionally went out with some folks after a AA meeting, and this also helped. Just going to AA often (almost every day) really helped me feel like I had friendship and support even if I didn’t even know on a real personal level the people there. Just having people smile and be kind helped me feel better about myself and helped fill in the social gap.

It sounds like you’re not going to AA, which I don’t think everyone needs to do at all - but it really is great for the social aspect. It’s something I plan to do this time around, too, but am in a different city with far fewer meetings and am a single full-time working Mom with a toddler, so it will be much harder.

At any rate...I’m glad you’re here!

MindfulMan

I used to drink a lot about a group of friends. However, they were all SO supportive in recovery, and for various reasons all of them (except one, who's a hot mess) have hugely moderated their drinking which has nothing to do with me and my sobriety. They've said that they would make our gatherings sober. I thought a lot about it and decided to try our normal gatherings. So far, so good. One time there was a bottle of Jack Daniels on the counter. I can be around wine and beer until the cows come home and barely have a twinge of craving. However, an open bottle of booze is a HUGE trigger. They put it away and asked why it was different for hard liquor. I thought about it for a second as I'd wondered this myself. What I suddenly realized was that if I were alone in a room I could do a quick guzzle and nobody would be the wiser. Plus hard liquor is what I drank when I REALLY wanted to drink.

In any event, they put it away. They also realize that I reserve the right to walk out suddenly and go home without needing to explain myself, no judgement.

I've made a few good sober friends from my two rehabs (inpatient and outpatient). I tried to keep together with more, but a lot of them relapsed and others I really didn't have anything in common with except our addictions. I have a huge circle of acquaintances but a very small number of truly close friends. You know, friends will listen to you when you need to talk. REAL friends help you bury the bodies.

I'm incredibly extroverted and outgoing, so it's easier. I also don't give a **** who knows I'm sober, so I tell everyone I come into contact with. If they can't deal then it's bye, Felicia.

least

I always drank at home by myself so lost no friends over getting sober. That said, I don't go to places where alcohol is the main focus. I have better things to do with my time than watch people getting drunk and stupid.

Anna

I drank at home, alone, too. But, I had to remove a few people from my life who I knew were toxic to me.

You can still socialize without alcohol being involved.

Maudcat

I was an at home drinker as well.
I did avoid places where alcohol was a thing when in early sobriety.
I was also in my early 60’s when I stopped and I had never been much of a partier anyway.
I think that someone maybe younger whose social life consists of going out to clubs and such might find themselves losing their drinking buddies.
Just my opinion.
I think getting a trainer and focusing on being strong and healthy is a great goal.
Maybe some group exercise classes to meet other like-minded people?
I have met the nicest people at yoga classes.
Something about yoga, I guess.