Son Alcholic, I need help
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 3
Help, Son taking all time
I am the mother of a 41 alcholic, he takes all my time and I try to fix everything that he does. But he still drinks and I try to fix it. I am 62 yrs old and am getting tired of doin. Everyone told me to let him alone and maybe he will realize what he doing if I dont fix it.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,784
Welcome to the family. 
If you stop fixing things for him, he might realize the trouble he's making for himself. Does he live with you? If not, there's not much you can do for him other than get support for yourself.
If you stop fixing things for him, he might realize the trouble he's making for himself. Does he live with you? If not, there's not much you can do for him other than get support for yourself. Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
welcome,jpk. youre talking about a 41 yo like hes aboutn3 or 4 years old
he takes all my time and I try to fix everything that he does .
hes not taking all your time- you are allowing him to do it.
please visit the friends nd family forum here to learn how to break free from codependency and enabling.
because what youre really doing is helping dig his grave, just like the people around me were doing until they walked away and took care of themselves.
best move anyone made was to walk away from me. i was only going to drag them down with me.
he takes all my time and I try to fix everything that he does .
hes not taking all your time- you are allowing him to do it.
please visit the friends nd family forum here to learn how to break free from codependency and enabling.
because what youre really doing is helping dig his grave, just like the people around me were doing until they walked away and took care of themselves.
best move anyone made was to walk away from me. i was only going to drag them down with me.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, jpk.
Welcome to SR.
Very sorry for your situation, but glad you found us.
Sadly, we can’t fix our alcohol addicts.
If we could, this site wouldn’t exist.
I hope you will read a book that we recommend a lot around here.
“Co-Dependent No More” by Melodie Beattie.
It talks a lot about how we think we are helping the addicts in our lives by cleaning up after them and getting them out of jams, but, in reality, we are shielding them from the consequences of their behavior when drinking.
I would also suggest you go to some Al-Anon meetings if you can.
Al-Anon is a group for people troubled and affected by a loved one’s drinking.
Lots of support and experience there.
And, of course, keep posting here.
Please check out the Friends and Family of Alcoholics forum.
It’s a lively place.
Good luck and good thoughts.
Welcome to SR.
Very sorry for your situation, but glad you found us.
Sadly, we can’t fix our alcohol addicts.
If we could, this site wouldn’t exist.
I hope you will read a book that we recommend a lot around here.
“Co-Dependent No More” by Melodie Beattie.
It talks a lot about how we think we are helping the addicts in our lives by cleaning up after them and getting them out of jams, but, in reality, we are shielding them from the consequences of their behavior when drinking.
I would also suggest you go to some Al-Anon meetings if you can.
Al-Anon is a group for people troubled and affected by a loved one’s drinking.
Lots of support and experience there.
And, of course, keep posting here.
Please check out the Friends and Family of Alcoholics forum.
It’s a lively place.
Good luck and good thoughts.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
I think one of the most heartbreaking things for a parent is when a child is addicted.
Nonetheless, please try to take a step back from your son’s situation.
It won’t help him, and just make you miserable.
Nonetheless, please try to take a step back from your son’s situation.
It won’t help him, and just make you miserable.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
Hi jpk
I understand you want to take care and help your son - but if doing that is harmful to you, maybe it's time to reconsider what you're doing?
Until your son decides to change and decides to take responsibility for his life and his own messes, I'm not sure there will be much change?
D
I understand you want to take care and help your son - but if doing that is harmful to you, maybe it's time to reconsider what you're doing?
Until your son decides to change and decides to take responsibility for his life and his own messes, I'm not sure there will be much change?
D
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Minnesota, USA
Posts: 1,469
Hi jpk,
Sorry for your situation.
It's a pretty common situation you're in.
Most would suggest to stop bailing him out, however you're doing that now. To just stop. Stop enabling him, giving him money, a place to stay, etc...
This way he actually has to deal with what he's done.
Which will be less stressful for you, sooner rather than later!
If he comes crawling back, don't give in.
I'd suggest alanon for you, to better understand the addict. There is a lot of support here. Have you checked out the family section?
Sorry for your situation.
It's a pretty common situation you're in.
Most would suggest to stop bailing him out, however you're doing that now. To just stop. Stop enabling him, giving him money, a place to stay, etc...
This way he actually has to deal with what he's done.
Which will be less stressful for you, sooner rather than later!
If he comes crawling back, don't give in.
I'd suggest alanon for you, to better understand the addict. There is a lot of support here. Have you checked out the family section?
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 928
I am an alcoholic and all I can say is try to be there for him so he can find additional outside help. You cant fix his problems, but with the help of others, maybe he can. I know additional help is not always the easiest thing to find though.
Mr
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: FRANCE
Posts: 5,230
You have come to the right place but you already know what we are going to tell you. An alcoholic or any drug addict in the peak of their addiction and who doesnt really (really) want to get help or stop will lie, cheat, deceive, let you down, break your heart, take risks, lie to themselves.... Like every other member on soberrecovery we are here because in some shape or form we know or have had contact with this misery.
I know its hard. My older brother is a 43 year old alcoholic. He has drank and drank and drank and fought and broke doors and windows, slept rough, lost jobs, lost girls, lost his home, come back to live my dad (now deceased) and mom. He continued drinking after coming home to my mom's. My mom has called the police, brought him in a wheelbarrow in the the ER... she cant let him go. How could you he is the nicest funniest guy in the world. He could make the most miserable person laugh (and cry)
I think you should go and post your story in the family and friends section.
Maybe its time for him to come here and post with us alcoholics.
Dont forget you cant make his decisions take his actions.
Wishing you strength.
Look after you first.
I know its hard. My older brother is a 43 year old alcoholic. He has drank and drank and drank and fought and broke doors and windows, slept rough, lost jobs, lost girls, lost his home, come back to live my dad (now deceased) and mom. He continued drinking after coming home to my mom's. My mom has called the police, brought him in a wheelbarrow in the the ER... she cant let him go. How could you he is the nicest funniest guy in the world. He could make the most miserable person laugh (and cry)
I think you should go and post your story in the family and friends section.
Maybe its time for him to come here and post with us alcoholics.
Dont forget you cant make his decisions take his actions.
Wishing you strength.
Look after you first.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
I always got muddled with cause and effect when I was drinking as well. Thinking alcohol was the solution to my problems rather than the cause of them. Sounds like that's where your son is now. Instead of looking at his marital problems as a likely consequence of his drinking he's just using it to rationalise MORE drinking, and of course and you and any sober person knows, it will just make things worse.
The good news is that you don't have to listen to his self-pity or whining. You don't have to bail him out or drive him to where he's supposed to be because he can't do it. It would of course be a shock initially, but it will help both of you in the long term in different ways.
I would suggest AlAnon for you. It will help you to have a place where you can talk openly and confidentially about what you're going through. It will also help you to figure out how to make yourself some healthy boundaries so that your life is not affected so badly by your sons choices (and yes, they ARE choices, even if he is an alcoholic - those of us who are sober now here all got so by making that decision - and none of us came to that decision without feeling the pain of the consequences of our drinking. While you lessen the consequences for him, he is less likely to make that difficult decision.
Why not look up some of the al-anon meetings near you and get along to some? You did not cause his alcoholism, you cannot control it, and you cannot cure it. If you want to help your son long term then you need to step back and stop enabling him by softening the consequences of his drinking. Sometimes we need to love courageously if we're to give people the chance to realise that their drinking even IS problematic. If it's only a problem for you and not for him, he's not gonna see any reason to stop.
BB
The good news is that you don't have to listen to his self-pity or whining. You don't have to bail him out or drive him to where he's supposed to be because he can't do it. It would of course be a shock initially, but it will help both of you in the long term in different ways.
I would suggest AlAnon for you. It will help you to have a place where you can talk openly and confidentially about what you're going through. It will also help you to figure out how to make yourself some healthy boundaries so that your life is not affected so badly by your sons choices (and yes, they ARE choices, even if he is an alcoholic - those of us who are sober now here all got so by making that decision - and none of us came to that decision without feeling the pain of the consequences of our drinking. While you lessen the consequences for him, he is less likely to make that difficult decision.
Why not look up some of the al-anon meetings near you and get along to some? You did not cause his alcoholism, you cannot control it, and you cannot cure it. If you want to help your son long term then you need to step back and stop enabling him by softening the consequences of his drinking. Sometimes we need to love courageously if we're to give people the chance to realise that their drinking even IS problematic. If it's only a problem for you and not for him, he's not gonna see any reason to stop.
BB
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by jpk130 
It hard to do. I know i am enabling him, but he is my son. Then I worry if he is ok, is he getting to work. He is also going through a divorce. So he is blaming it on that
im glad you know youre enabling,however the BUT he is my son
makes it read like since hes your son,its ok and what you're supposed to do.
it reads like the drinking has been goin on for some time and divorce is just the latest thing to blame,yet theres thousands of people going through divorce that arent drinking.
theres help for him IF he wants it. theres help for him IF HE is willing to get it.
theres help for you,too. im sure youve taken a read around the f&f forum and read many people that have been in your shoes.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
