What do you get a thief?
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
What do you get a thief?
When someone you love is an alcoholic/addict, has stolen and abused your trust, time and again, has stolen dreams, plans, time, expectations, life as you knew it... and possibly money or other material items... or took valuables, broke them, never really apologized or replaced them...
How do you separate the illness from the person?
How do you love, with no strings, with detachment, without expectations?
This year, I'm looking for an inexpensive gift that's fun, that isn't needed, that I'll enjoy buying, wrapping and giving. I'll give brightness, love, and probably some tears as I wrap it. Looking for a gift I haven't given in the past. No more photos... no clothes... and nothing with big price tags -- financially or emotionally. No games, no candy, no hobby related items... just ... something, wrapped with love.
One day at a time. Asking God for guidance.
How do you separate the illness from the person?
How do you love, with no strings, with detachment, without expectations?
This year, I'm looking for an inexpensive gift that's fun, that isn't needed, that I'll enjoy buying, wrapping and giving. I'll give brightness, love, and probably some tears as I wrap it. Looking for a gift I haven't given in the past. No more photos... no clothes... and nothing with big price tags -- financially or emotionally. No games, no candy, no hobby related items... just ... something, wrapped with love.
One day at a time. Asking God for guidance.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
has stolen and abused your trust, time and again, has stolen dreams, plans, time, expectations, life as you knew it... and possibly money or other material items... or took valuables, broke them, never really apologized or replaced them...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
i can't imagine gifting someone who has mistreated me. but then again, i also wouldn't be spending christmas with them.
the ILLNESS of addiction drives the addict to USE. it does not make them or force them to be despicable, hostile, abusive individuals. it does not cause them to cheat. or to destroy finances, dishes, furniture, or self esteem. no one gets a pass on bad behavior because they happen to be addicts.
the ILLNESS of addiction drives the addict to USE. it does not make them or force them to be despicable, hostile, abusive individuals. it does not cause them to cheat. or to destroy finances, dishes, furniture, or self esteem. no one gets a pass on bad behavior because they happen to be addicts.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 123
Yeah, I'm not doing that.
I am going to charge our joint account for the sneakers my daughter asked for though, since there hasn't been even a passing mention of him having any concern about giving her a Christmas gift.
Well, he's giving her $75 Adidas sneakers. From me.
I am going to charge our joint account for the sneakers my daughter asked for though, since there hasn't been even a passing mention of him having any concern about giving her a Christmas gift.
Well, he's giving her $75 Adidas sneakers. From me.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 773
Oh boy, addicts and presents - difficult topic.
Last year my own family no less! coerced me into baking cookies for XAH and his family. "Nata, be nice", said my mom. Ugh. She tried to make me bake him a cake for his Birthday in May - I shut that one down.
This year - there is a small unique gift from DS. I am not buying anything or baking anything. Ex MIL sent me a gift - I may have to send her something.....
Please don't feel like you have to do anything. I would definitely not pour my soul into a gift for someone who mistreated me IMO.
Last year my own family no less! coerced me into baking cookies for XAH and his family. "Nata, be nice", said my mom. Ugh. She tried to make me bake him a cake for his Birthday in May - I shut that one down.
This year - there is a small unique gift from DS. I am not buying anything or baking anything. Ex MIL sent me a gift - I may have to send her something.....
Please don't feel like you have to do anything. I would definitely not pour my soul into a gift for someone who mistreated me IMO.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
My AH hated gifts because he wanted the money instead. I gave him small things that he could use, because I didn't have much money myself, as I was paying for everything we needed to live. Sometimes I would find the gifts I gave him neglected or in the trash. After we separated I discovered that he attached no value to anything I gave him, including my time and love.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Ah...that's a tough one. I buy something for my XAH and his witchy wife yearly for my kids to give to them. I try to use coupons if I have them, or sometimes I have Kohls cash (I am just remembering I have this now). It's a lot to suck up, but I remember that I am doing this for my kids, not for them.
I think last year it was some shower gel type stuff for her, and a piece of jewelry that was engraved for him. Ugh.
I think last year it was some shower gel type stuff for her, and a piece of jewelry that was engraved for him. Ugh.
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Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 123
Originally Posted by Nata1980 
Oh boy, addicts and presents - difficult topic.
Last year my own family no less! coerced me into baking cookies for XAH and his family. "Nata, be nice", said my mom. Ugh. She tried to make me bake him a cake for his Birthday in May - I shut that one down.
This year - there is a small unique gift from DS. I am not buying anything or baking anything. Ex MIL sent me a gift - I may have to send her something.....
Please don't feel like you have to do anything. I would definitely not pour my soul into a gift for someone who mistreated me IMO.
Last year my own family no less! coerced me into baking cookies for XAH and his family. "Nata, be nice", said my mom. Ugh. She tried to make me bake him a cake for his Birthday in May - I shut that one down.
This year - there is a small unique gift from DS. I am not buying anything or baking anything. Ex MIL sent me a gift - I may have to send her something.....
Please don't feel like you have to do anything. I would definitely not pour my soul into a gift for someone who mistreated me IMO.
I stopped in to the apartment the other day to check on the cats and grab some stuff and there was a card there for me. I wasn't going to read it, but of course I did. Just flowery ********, nothing that really mattered, but it was still annoying.
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 667
Originally Posted by hopeful4
Ah...that's a tough one. I buy something for my XAH and his witchy wife yearly for my kids to give to them. I try to use coupons if I have them, or sometimes I have Kohls cash (I am just remembering I have this now). It's a lot to suck up, but I remember that I am doing this for my kids, not for them.
I think last year it was some shower gel type stuff for her, and a piece of jewelry that was engraved for him. Ugh.
I think last year it was some shower gel type stuff for her, and a piece of jewelry that was engraved for him. Ugh.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I won't tell a tale, it is hard. I keep remembering that it's for my kids.
Originally Posted by Hangnbyathread
Man you're a lot stronger than I would be. The thought of giving any of my exes a gift gives me pre-cursor stroke symptoms!
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
"How do you separate the illness from the person?
How do you love, with no strings, with detachment, without expectations?"
Came back to prayer, meditation and letting this be beyond me.
I then easily found three items that are now wrapped with festive, fun paper, bows and love. I don't need to know why. It simply felt right.
How do you love, with no strings, with detachment, without expectations?"
Came back to prayer, meditation and letting this be beyond me.
I then easily found three items that are now wrapped with festive, fun paper, bows and love. I don't need to know why. It simply felt right.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 583
A personally written letter. Not a card, but a letter.
Originally Posted by keepingthefaith
When someone you love is an alcoholic/addict, has stolen and abused your trust, time and again, has stolen dreams, plans, time, expectations, life as you knew it... and possibly money or other material items... or took valuables, broke them, never really apologized or replaced them...
How do you separate the illness from the person?
How do you love, with no strings, with detachment, without expectations?
This year, I'm looking for an inexpensive gift that's fun, that isn't needed, that I'll enjoy buying, wrapping and giving. I'll give brightness, love, and probably some tears as I wrap it. Looking for a gift I haven't given in the past. No more photos... no clothes... and nothing with big price tags -- financially or emotionally. No games, no candy, no hobby related items... just ... something, wrapped with love.
One day at a time. Asking God for guidance.
How do you separate the illness from the person?
How do you love, with no strings, with detachment, without expectations?
This year, I'm looking for an inexpensive gift that's fun, that isn't needed, that I'll enjoy buying, wrapping and giving. I'll give brightness, love, and probably some tears as I wrap it. Looking for a gift I haven't given in the past. No more photos... no clothes... and nothing with big price tags -- financially or emotionally. No games, no candy, no hobby related items... just ... something, wrapped with love.
One day at a time. Asking God for guidance.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 773
Originally Posted by glenl
This spurs a question in me - has anyone had their addict try to win them back by giving gifts?
I stopped in to the apartment the other day to check on the cats and grab some stuff and there was a card there for me. I wasn't going to read it, but of course I did. Just flowery ********, nothing that really mattered, but it was still annoying.
I stopped in to the apartment the other day to check on the cats and grab some stuff and there was a card there for me. I wasn't going to read it, but of course I did. Just flowery ********, nothing that really mattered, but it was still annoying.
XAH also started wearing all the knit sweaters I ever made him, almost exclusively and obsessively last Christmas season (never worn them before although they were stylish awesome sweaters) and announced to everyone who would listen than his ex wife made it for him, and call me and let me know my sweaters are being complimented on.
I can't even....at least my work was not a complete waste after all haha. I guess....
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