chiquen81

I've called a few program people today in tears. I'm just utterly terrified. Too physically run down to go to a meeting but i just ate sweet potato and some vitamins.

My relapse - I went to the wealthy town next door to me to the expensive wine shop (the delusion), had a long discussion about vineyards with the owner. (more delusion that this will be a classy and calm drinking experience) I bought one bottle. I tried to pace it. I was in and out of a black out driving to get another one at the run down liquor store 10 minutes from my house. Feelings that I am experiencing right now:

-Sheer terror because I have no clue who I talked to in the parking lot, or what I did. Chances are I just drove home, but it was a shady parking lot (I have no idea what i did - black outs send me into a panic)
-Embarrassment
-Failure that I threw 5 months of hell and hard work away
-Severe anxiety
-Crying a lot
-I feel like the lack of control I have will kill me. Crying again.

I had just sent the screenshot of my 5 month Sober milestone to my parents. I didn't tell them yet. My mother is on a ski trip and I don't want to break her heart.

Just using all of my resources and looking for some non-judgmental support. Asking for help. Thank you, SR.

nova84

Hi chiquen81...how did you end up in that fancy wine shop? x

Hevyn

Hi Chiquen - I'm so sorry you're disappointed & upset with yourself. It sounds like you learned something valuable though. There will never be a happy ending once we pick up. Each time I tried to be a social drinker it ended up in embarrassment & humiliation. I also drove when I shouldn't have - thinking I was 'fine' - but of course I wasn't. You didn't let this turn into a long binge - you came here to talk about what happened. You're wiser now, and you never have to feel like this again.

JK130

Hi there, I see your list of what went wrong, including drunk driving danger to yourself and others. Terrified. Yep. Blackout in a vehicle certainly is! But it never has to happen again. Now make a list of successes in your five months of sobriety. Those are important. You did that! And you can do it again. For forever. Dust yourself off. Update your plan. Keep in touch here. Yes, you can!

Rodney18

Hey, I’ve done similar- blackouts aplenty
You’re safe now- it’s just a bump in the road and these things happen
Try to relax and gear right back into your sobriety

Upstairs

Hola! Well, despite the bad night, you had five months sobriety and you’re home safe. Hopefully you’ll learn from the experience and use it later. I hope you feel better about it all soon 😀

dcg

All I can say is don't compound the mistake. I had 5 months and when the **** hit the fan, one night turned into a 2-year bender.

tekink

relapsing can feel quite shameful. It happened to me a few times around the 2 month mark. My fourth time past two months I never wanted to go through that again and it's helped me hang on this time.

Ghostlight1

Chronic relapser here. I was once attending AA meetings, working the helpline and generally doing well. One day I was doing my laundry. Beer store out back. Bought a twelve pack. Eight months and all my self esteem went out the window.
It took me many failed attempts to get this far, seven years, so don't be too hard on yourself.
we're all only human.

chiquen81

I just drove there with the intention of getting a fancy bottle of red wine and some cheese. It was almost like I thought going to the classy wine shop would allow me to drink normally like a refined individual. Delusional thinking, basically.

columbus

"non-judgmental support"

Given here.

FreeOwl

When I relapsed at 5 months, it kicked off a year and a half long extended binge that got worse and worse and worse.

Thankfully, I finally chose sobriety and almost four years later am loving my sober life.

I hope you choose sobriety NOW instead of spending even another single day throwing away the beauty of a sober life.

Let the relapse be a catalyst for a deeper commitment and get to action immediately.

Maudcat

Come on back.
You can do it.
I think that when we finally accept that we can’t put down the drink once we start, our way forward becomes clear.
Good luck and good thoughts.

Awake61

No judgment here! I had five years straight. Picked up one glass of wine after a funeral and was back to it worse then ever. Even to the point of asking a cop to shot me in the head during my last DUI arrest. They took me to the hospital instead. It only gets worse.

resolute50

First off, calm down, it's not the end of the world.
You are here asking for help and talking with us. So, pat yourself on the back for that. Many do not return. Don't let the anxiety drive you to drink again.
You are safe at home, and you learned a lesson. Now do what you can to get back on track and use whatever resources you can to help you. Including this website.

Anna

I'm really sorry that you are feeling so miserable. And, I had some blackouts at the end of my drinking days and I still remember the terror I felt at the time. Blackouts are so dangerous.

I think the main concern I see is that you thought you could drink normally after 5 months of sobriety? You can get back on your routine and work through this issue. Remember how hard you've worked to get this far and be proud of that.

Dee74

Hi Chiquen

I'm glad you're back. I look at it this way - you've had 5 months of sobreity - I know it wasn't easy but you did it.

Thats half the battle - you've blasted off from Planet Addiction - now you need to work out what else you need to achieve 'escape velocity' for good.

for me, I needed to find the right support and use it, and make the changes in my life to relect my desire to be sober.

I had to accept that I had a toxic relationship with alcohol and always would.

When you really accept that any thoughts of drinking again, however classy the scenario, are revealed as AV lies.

Try and work out what drove you all the way to that next town and that wine shop.

What do you think you were looking for in that drink?

Maybe this time around is a good chance to not only get sober again but also to learn to be happy with a sober life?

D

Eddiebuckle

Hi Chiquen,

My first sponsor told me to never forget my last drink, or most likely it would turn out that I hadn't had it yet.

It takes what it takes for us to realize that we simply cannot drink like normal people - that is what "I feel like the lack of control I have will kill me" means. The good news? You KNOW that you are capable of getting sober. Is it easy? Nope... but absolutely worth it. Just do it one day at a time, and if you never pick up the first drink regardless what happens or what thoughts come to mind, you're good to go.

PS: that's a beautiful beach in your avatar - I grew up there.