IWalkTheLine

But they are keeping me trapped

Coldfusion

Hi, I walk!

This is the enigma all of us here have faced. I think those of us who are able to stop using realize that drugs are no longer working for us (as if they really ever did). How do we come to this realization? For me, it took help--a week in detox followed by ninety AA meetings in ninety days and regular meeting attendance ever since. I read and post regularly here at SoberRecovery.

It works if you work it!

bluedog97

Yep same for me with booze. I deal with life by drinking. Just thinking about the deep and powerful emotions that cause me to want to drink. It usually comes back to my (fragile) ego. I turn to the bottle to feel good, plain and simple.

It’s a trap. There’s never enough, and I always end up feeling like crap.

doggonecarl

Life isn't a disease.

FreeOwl

you have it exactly backward!

IWalkTheLine

I managed to give up drink, so at least life is manageabe and I can maintain relationships, jobs, finances. But I still need something. The nights are too long? Boring? Unfulfilled? I'm not sure but from Work to bedtime I need something to stop from mentally climbing the walls. But if I don't get of them I will never have the energy or motivation to change things. I used to think I could still do stuff still be something special, that was enough for me to quit before. Now I'm thinking this is it? What's the point?

IWalkTheLine

ColdFusion, mine is a secret addiction
Caused too much trouble in the past, if I have to kick it it's got to be done by me alone

Nowsthetime

You are NOT alone.

We are here with you so rely on us. Talk it out, what’s going on?

Dee74

I don't think my life was the problem - I was the problem.

All the drink and drugs were my maladaptive and futile attempts to deal with the problem.

Once I stopped self medicating I got rid of one layer of crud and could look more closely at the 'me as the problem' thing

I hope you choose to lose that layer of crud soon too iwalktheline

D

tomsteve

My life is my problem
which there IS a solution for.
you get to chose how your life unfolds

Healthyandsober

well i also agree my life is the problem and drinking make it livable sorry to jump your thread with a negative post but is the way i feel

Berrybean

The state of the alcoholic, sober but without recovery, is always gonna be restless, irritable and discontent. A big walking bucket full of not-enoughness.

Sounds to me like you took alcohol out but didn't (yet) add anything else in. We get out of our sobriety what we're prepared to put into it. I'd suggest that you take urgent action to start making a recovery plan... maybe try AA or SMART or whatever (like a proper go, working the program, not just wafting in and back out of some meetings - I tried that approach, and found that it just doesn't cut it).

Sobriety can save our lives and stop us adding more chaos to our lives. But it's Recovery that will make that sobriety comfortable, sustainable, and one day even preferable to drinking.

When I first went to AA I noticed that out of the 12 steps detailed on the poster up on the wall, only the very first step even mentioned alcohol. That's because the other 11 are all recovery focussed. AA is not a program to stop you drinking so much as one to teach how to LIVE sober. They even have a little book called 'Living Sober' for the very reason that so many people come along saying, well I stopped drinking but I can't like like this. My life is empty. I'm not who I was, and don't know who I am. I must be doing sober wrong. (I was one of them. )

Sobriety without Recovery is like a cake without the sugar. Bleaugh.

Please. Look into making a plan. Sobriety can be so much better than this....

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...y-plans-1.html

https://digital-dharma.net/post-acut...r-immediately/

BB

Berrybean

H&S - sorry to hear that youre feeling like this.

How's it going with finding a sponsor so you can get cracking on the Recovery work that is needed outside of meetings. I probably sound like a cracked record, but so much of this is revovery malarky really is just 'monkey see, monkey do'. But those people you meet in AA who are happy and comfortable in their sobriety didn't get there just by rocking up at meetings. They do other stuff outside of the meetings, most of which onky takes a few minutes a day. So, when we're new in, we need to find someone whose sobriety we'd like for ourselves. We ask them to sponsor us - that is, to show us how we can get the sobriety that they've got. They tell us wht it was like, what happened, and what life is like now for them. They guide us through the steps and help us to understand the daily stuff we can put into place to make sobriety comfortable and sustainable. And they help us to understand how to apply the principles of the program to our lives. THAT is when our lives start getting better.

Like I said in the post above. Just wafting to and from meeting didn't cut it with me. And I've met enough other people who resisted sponsorship and step-work initially to have seen that generally resisting the actual recovery work is Just one fine way to drag out our misery.

We all get busy and think we dont have time to put the work in. Truth is, we found time to drink, and be drunk and be hungover. There IS time. And when we make time for that the rest of everything we do seems to go so much smoother because we're not feeling depressed or negative or angry or just 'in pain'.

BB

IWalkTheLine

hi berry, thanks for taking the time for a thorough reply!

I'm afraid I can only get on when I'm alone incase my phone gets checked.

This is the same reason I can't go AA on the outside everyone thinks I'm cured. Your right about stopping drinking but not changing enough, trouble is I was so drunk for so long that became who I was I feel like I lost "that" person when I sobered. I lost my character sense of humour.....a lot.

I heard someone say high functioning means you keep your job but lose your soul. I can't seem to get my soul back though I thought it would just return like that's part of the deal I made. I can't drink again it's too destructive, but i can't live a sober life soon now i take pills.

I think I would have more chance if I could get over the withdrawal. Physical I can suffer (although I wouldn't wish restless legs on my worst enemy).

But it's the mental side it.makes the depression I'm trying to keep at bay even worse, and it seems so simple just to pop another pill to stop the self imposed torture.

By the way there s nothing causing the depression I don't have an easy life but it's not bad, I do have hours of loneliness. I have a girlfriend but don't have anyone I can talk to who like same stuff as me. I still miss my mum and dad who died years ago. Don't really have any other family I speak to.

I have my dogs they are my world, and I have a job.

IWalkTheLine

Yeah I hear ya, did you have to give up most of your friends when you quit? I did. Stayed in contact for a bit but realised we on't had one thing in common!whereabouts are you from? It's a massive part of our culture in London everything involves drinking

AAPJ

Don't worry sooner or later it won't be a secret anymore. At least that was my experience as the increasingly negative side effects became impossible to mask. Of course in my completely impaired brain kept telling me nobody noticed but in hindsight everyone knew.

I hope you find a path to peace and sobriety.

Berrybean

In London there are thousands of meetings. And the reason it's called alcoholic anonymous is that is is just that. Anonymous. And even if people did know that you're in recovery but sober, what's more important, saving face or learning to live a serene sober life?

Pride and fear can keep us in some pretty dark places if we let them. But we can look past that kind of thinking to what is really important - and start living life true to ourselves (whoever that turns out to be when the layers of wreckage, shame, resentment, hopelessness, etc are lifted and we are courageous enough to drop the act and just Be.)

What would you prefer? To BE better, or just have people think you are?

BB

MindfulMan

Depended on my friends.

If they were primarily party friends, then I no longer had much in common with them, and they just kind of drifted out of my life.

Normie friends were different. I have a group of normie friends (well, mostly normie) that were totally supportive of my recovery. They visited me in rehab every week, brought books and an IPOD and clothes, and were very there for me. Out of respect, they didn't drink around me until I told them it didn't matter, and would have not done so if I asked. Also nearly all of them have drastically curbed their drinking for various reasons, including diet and weight loss.

I have years in common with these people, and even though wine was a big part of our activities, other things we have in common have kept the friendship going.

In the first 100 days or so, it was necessary to keep myself totally away from any drugs or alcohol. After treatment and a bit of time, I could tolerate "normie" drinking rather easily. However, that's what worked FOR ME, YMMV for sure. Many cut themselves off from any socializing involving any amount of alcohol for life, and if I thought that's what it would take to remain sober, I would also do so for certain.