Hurt and confused. My husband left me after treatment
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 1
Hurt and confused. My husband left me after treatment
Hi everyone. I’ve been reading a few older posts and thought I’d join. Giving me inspiration.
My ex husband (as of few weeks ago) and I have been on and off almost 12 years. We were really happy for a few years. But a few years back I started drinking and going out a lot. He’s been sober for 7 years at this point. In 2014 we went to Hawaii and he started drinking again. We’d dabble in cocaine regularly but I wanted to quit. Every time I’d be doing well he’s somehow manage to get me to give in. The relationship eventually turned abusive. He’s call me names in front of my kids. He’d break things of mine. There was more than one occasion I’d pack the kids up and leave. I was scared that he’d do more!!! He’d call my oldest daughter names and I’d warn him that she’d grow up to hate him. Well this has now happened. She ignores his texts won’t go seem him. But lays guilt trips on how she can’t go to one cousins bday and not the other but when I say I’m not even gonna mention it to her. He turns around and says she’s always welcome. She’s not biologically his but has raised her since she was 8 months.
Anyways almost two years ago he left me for his childhood best friend. They tortured me through email. Calling me fat. Ugly. A *****. It’s a small town and this woman is known for ruining marriages. She told him I cheated on him. We’d fight about kids. I didn’t want mine around her. This went in for two months. I lost 25 lbs. then one day he texts me and says she left him and my two youngest in a town with no cell service and no transportation. We started talking again. But he wasn’t proving he wanted to work in things so I moved on. I was literally in the shower getting ready for a date and he walked in and said I want my wife and kids back! And would not leave. I finally gave in.
It went back to the same old routine. We lost our house claimed bankruptcy. Then one night he smashed my car window and called the police. Well our kids were taken away from us. We got our **** together for a brief time. Went to counselling. Eventually I got the kids back. We went in a two week long trip in the summer. It was ok. But a few nights he stayed up drinking and the verbal abuse continued.
Well he then decided to go to rehab. I supported him financially and emotionally. I looked after kids. He was talking about moving in and doing this for ya as well as himself. Half way through he started getting distant. Wouldn’t talk to me for days. But two days before treatment was to end he asked me to join a counselling apt with him over phone. It didn’t happen due to miscommunication. He was asking me if I could move forward. I opened up and told him that I was seeing him distance himself and it brought up the past. That I had ptsd from it. Well he gets s back and decides he doesn’t love me anymore and he just wants to be happy. Moves his stuff out. Then I find out the other day that he’s hanging out with this girl again. I know what’s coming and I’m stressed. I’m also hurt that he would do this all over again. It’s de ha vu. Saying he doesn’t love me. Blah blah blah. But he’s said it before and told me when we got back together that he didn’t mean it. So I guess my questions are
Should I believe him when he says he’s done?
Should I just go to court?
Should I be patient?
Also should allow him to take the kids? He’s not paying support and I don’t want my kids around her after what happened before. (She’s also tried to run me off the road and threatened me in a and w drive they)
Why is he doing this to me? The mother of his kids?
Has anyone else ever had this happen?
My ex husband (as of few weeks ago) and I have been on and off almost 12 years. We were really happy for a few years. But a few years back I started drinking and going out a lot. He’s been sober for 7 years at this point. In 2014 we went to Hawaii and he started drinking again. We’d dabble in cocaine regularly but I wanted to quit. Every time I’d be doing well he’s somehow manage to get me to give in. The relationship eventually turned abusive. He’s call me names in front of my kids. He’d break things of mine. There was more than one occasion I’d pack the kids up and leave. I was scared that he’d do more!!! He’d call my oldest daughter names and I’d warn him that she’d grow up to hate him. Well this has now happened. She ignores his texts won’t go seem him. But lays guilt trips on how she can’t go to one cousins bday and not the other but when I say I’m not even gonna mention it to her. He turns around and says she’s always welcome. She’s not biologically his but has raised her since she was 8 months.
Anyways almost two years ago he left me for his childhood best friend. They tortured me through email. Calling me fat. Ugly. A *****. It’s a small town and this woman is known for ruining marriages. She told him I cheated on him. We’d fight about kids. I didn’t want mine around her. This went in for two months. I lost 25 lbs. then one day he texts me and says she left him and my two youngest in a town with no cell service and no transportation. We started talking again. But he wasn’t proving he wanted to work in things so I moved on. I was literally in the shower getting ready for a date and he walked in and said I want my wife and kids back! And would not leave. I finally gave in.
It went back to the same old routine. We lost our house claimed bankruptcy. Then one night he smashed my car window and called the police. Well our kids were taken away from us. We got our **** together for a brief time. Went to counselling. Eventually I got the kids back. We went in a two week long trip in the summer. It was ok. But a few nights he stayed up drinking and the verbal abuse continued.
Well he then decided to go to rehab. I supported him financially and emotionally. I looked after kids. He was talking about moving in and doing this for ya as well as himself. Half way through he started getting distant. Wouldn’t talk to me for days. But two days before treatment was to end he asked me to join a counselling apt with him over phone. It didn’t happen due to miscommunication. He was asking me if I could move forward. I opened up and told him that I was seeing him distance himself and it brought up the past. That I had ptsd from it. Well he gets s back and decides he doesn’t love me anymore and he just wants to be happy. Moves his stuff out. Then I find out the other day that he’s hanging out with this girl again. I know what’s coming and I’m stressed. I’m also hurt that he would do this all over again. It’s de ha vu. Saying he doesn’t love me. Blah blah blah. But he’s said it before and told me when we got back together that he didn’t mean it. So I guess my questions are
Should I believe him when he says he’s done?
Should I just go to court?
Should I be patient?
Also should allow him to take the kids? He’s not paying support and I don’t want my kids around her after what happened before. (She’s also tried to run me off the road and threatened me in a and w drive they)
Why is he doing this to me? The mother of his kids?
Has anyone else ever had this happen?
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 164
He sounds abusive and like he's using you. Focus on yourself and your kids. That will make you happier than he ever will. Stick around, this place is very helpful and encouraging and I'm sorry if my post seems so blunt, I just don't see where he is doing anything but hurting you.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
If he’s got you focusing on whoever else he’s glommed onto and he’s got her focused on being jealous of you, then maybe neither one of you will figure out what an utter jackass he is.
Drop him by the side of the road, drive on and don’t look back. There’s nothing but hurt and abuse there
P.S. His wordsmean nothing. He wouldn’t know “love” if it bit him.
Drop him by the side of the road, drive on and don’t look back. There’s nothing but hurt and abuse there
P.S. His wordsmean nothing. He wouldn’t know “love” if it bit him.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Florida
Posts: 298
I've never experienced anything you're going through, so I cannot really relate. However, just from reading what you wrote, if it were me dropped into your scenario, I would do everything in my power to get him out of my life.
I would want him out of my life, so I could end that chapter, and begin a new life with my kids. As people around here say (myself included), nothing changes if nothing changes.
I would want him out of my life, so I could end that chapter, and begin a new life with my kids. As people around here say (myself included), nothing changes if nothing changes.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
oh dear lord, get rid of this cad. being with him has brought nothing but pain. bankruptcy. losing your kids. cheating. lying. abuse. get all of that out of your life and your precious kids's lives.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,044
I agree with the other posters. Please do not waste another minute on him. Focus on finding a place to live with your kids.
If it were me, I would go to court and not let him see my kids if he was actively drinking, or being physically or verbally abusive. You need to be prepared that he may take you to court as well, so maintaining your sobriety is going to be very important for you and your children.
Do you have family or friends you can stay with for a bit?
If it were me, I would go to court and not let him see my kids if he was actively drinking, or being physically or verbally abusive. You need to be prepared that he may take you to court as well, so maintaining your sobriety is going to be very important for you and your children.
Do you have family or friends you can stay with for a bit?
The Little Alcoholic Monstress That Could
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Northern California
Posts: 1,159
When I left an abusive situation over a year ago the first thing I did was get a restraining order on my ex. If he brings violence in the home and around your kids it will be granted. Call a legal aid organization in your area for help with this. Do not get hysterical or emotional in court, just say facts. Write out your entire relationship in a timeline to show the judge how he has abused you and endangered your kids over the years. Be adamant with the judge that you will not take him back and are now fighting to have a safe and stable life for yourself and your children.
If the other woman has endangered your kids, perhaps you can get a restraining order against her as welll? Worth a shot.
After restraining order, get custody order. If you want him completely out of their life try for full custody, but judges do tend to be on the sides of fathers who claim they want to be in their kids lives. Make sure you have a stable place for them to live. Worst case scenario you end up with joint custody.
Other than that, as everyone has said, please don't let bad choices affect your kids any longer. You can do this you won't be the first or the last. Good luck on your new life and don't look back.
If the other woman has endangered your kids, perhaps you can get a restraining order against her as welll? Worth a shot.
After restraining order, get custody order. If you want him completely out of their life try for full custody, but judges do tend to be on the sides of fathers who claim they want to be in their kids lives. Make sure you have a stable place for them to live. Worst case scenario you end up with joint custody.
Other than that, as everyone has said, please don't let bad choices affect your kids any longer. You can do this you won't be the first or the last. Good luck on your new life and don't look back.
Guest
Join Date: May 2016
Location: Australia
Posts: 1,802
That's a really sad story. You have been involved with this guy for years and have kids.I think you are a bit scared of him to be honest. You can get over him. I have had 3 abusive relationship. Not drinking or using is the most important thing. Everything around the kids needs to be perfect in case it goes to court. He can say total lies and be believed which happened to me. I am saying this because his girlfriend seems like a troublemakin blitch. Do not waste anymore time on him. If he gets too bad go to a domestic violence shelter. That will keep you and the kids safe. I left home for 2 months with my second partner and had so much support. He was a drug addict and did similar things. I was too scared for a restraining order because the police had taken out one on my behalf and if I enforced it I would have rock s thrown at my house from his friends and visitors in the middle of the night.I hope your ex is nothing like this and I am not scaring you. I don't think sole custody is a good idea. It will only really upset him and he has just come out of rehab.Unless you can disappear somewhere. Hopefully he is negotiable. Don't waste anymore time waiting around for him. He has ruined enough of your life. As for this blitch I doubt it will last. Hope this helps.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Hmm. I suppose I'm just thinking that him going is probably a blessing in disguise. If it were me (which is, quite obviously, is not ) I think I would be changing the locks so he can't just waltz in and refuse to leave again, and seek legal advise to protect me and my family (we're all here from all over the world so the law is quite different for people on here depending on country and state).
Like Maya Angelou says, "When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.” Such simple wisdom, but so many of us cling onto the hope that they will change, or we can somehow change them, before becoming willing to accept that's who they are - who they choose to be, and how they choose to behave, and like it or not, thats just what we're left dealing with. We didn't cause it. We can't control it. And we can't change it. The only person we can ever change is ourselves. Prayers for you (and for me and all of us) that we will find the serenity to accept the things we can't change, the courage to change the things we can., and the wisdom to know the difference. (And that we will remember that 'accepting' isn't the same as 'putting up with'). You cannot change him, but you can rise above this. You have your own inner resources to draw upon. They are your secret treasures. Your gifts. I hope you will find that courage to use them, and to go out and shine, and be beacons of strength that guide your children and show them that it is not okay to treat people as they have seen their father / step father do, and how to walk away with dignity.
As well as this site, AlAnon, NarAnon, FamAnon are all worth looking into. All of these places can offer support in this.
Stay safe.
BB
Still I rise - Maya Angelou
You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I’ll rise.
Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
‘Cause I walk like I’ve got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.
Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I’ll rise.
Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops,
Weakened by my soulful cries?
Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don’t you take it awful hard
‘Cause I laugh like I’ve got gold mines
Diggin’ in my own backyard.
You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I’ll rise.
Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I’ve got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?
Out of the huts of history’s shame
I rise
Up from a past that’s rooted in pain
I rise
I’m a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.
Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that’s wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise.
Like Maya Angelou says, "When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.” Such simple wisdom, but so many of us cling onto the hope that they will change, or we can somehow change them, before becoming willing to accept that's who they are - who they choose to be, and how they choose to behave, and like it or not, thats just what we're left dealing with. We didn't cause it. We can't control it. And we can't change it. The only person we can ever change is ourselves. Prayers for you (and for me and all of us) that we will find the serenity to accept the things we can't change, the courage to change the things we can., and the wisdom to know the difference. (And that we will remember that 'accepting' isn't the same as 'putting up with'). You cannot change him, but you can rise above this. You have your own inner resources to draw upon. They are your secret treasures. Your gifts. I hope you will find that courage to use them, and to go out and shine, and be beacons of strength that guide your children and show them that it is not okay to treat people as they have seen their father / step father do, and how to walk away with dignity.
As well as this site, AlAnon, NarAnon, FamAnon are all worth looking into. All of these places can offer support in this.
Stay safe.
BB
Still I rise - Maya Angelou
You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I’ll rise.
Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
‘Cause I walk like I’ve got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.
Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I’ll rise.
Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops,
Weakened by my soulful cries?
Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don’t you take it awful hard
‘Cause I laugh like I’ve got gold mines
Diggin’ in my own backyard.
You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I’ll rise.
Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I’ve got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?
Out of the huts of history’s shame
I rise
Up from a past that’s rooted in pain
I rise
I’m a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.
Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that’s wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 27
Originally Posted by tnek97 
I've never experienced anything you're going through, so I cannot really relate. However, just from reading what you wrote, if it were me dropped into your scenario, I would do everything in my power to get him out of my life.
I would want him out of my life, so I could end that chapter, and begin a new life with my kids. As people around here say (myself included), nothing changes if nothing changes.
I would want him out of my life, so I could end that chapter, and begin a new life with my kids. As people around here say (myself included), nothing changes if nothing changes.
Nothing changes if nothing changes...brilliant 🙏🏼
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