Gru

I don't go to ABF's family holidays because I feel I'm being used as a prop to give ABF the illusion of normalcy, as if our relationship is functioning and he doesn't go out drinking every night of the week. His family is in denial. Except his 3 teenage daughters. They're angry at him now because he drove drunk on the way home with all of them in the car. I'm furious at his sisters and brothers for allowing them to leave the holiday like that. I wouldn't say anything if it was just him alone but I feel like I should write a letter to his closest sister, asking her to double check with the teenagers, if they feel comfortable driving with their dad. I told the daughters they can call me whenever for a ride.They deserve safety and many advocates. Do I have to message the sister explaining that her brother is still an alcoholic and alcoholics lie and drive drunk?

Maudcat

Sounds like the family are drinkers, too, yeah?
Any reason why you think this particular sister might be helpful?
Agree that his daughters should NOT be in the car if he is impaired, but with kids, as you likely know, there could be some shame around this and a desire on their part to make things seem normal.
This is a tough one, isn’t it? Good luck.

Gru

The sister knows he's an alcoholic. She just thinks that she can help by asking if he's ok. And that if he gets drunk and cries then that's a breakthrough. And yes, his daughters love him and want it to be ok. Of course they can't refuse to get in the car when he's ordering them.
I guess I need to say something.

suki44883

As teenagers, of course they can refuse to ride with him if they feel he is too drunk. If they know they can call you to come get them, that is all the more reason for them to refuse to get into his car if he has been drinking.

Gru

Easier said than done when it's an authority figure. It would be good if they had more adults on their side.

Maudcat

Yeah, difficult to say no to dad.
Guess I would ask the sis to be an advocate for the girls.
You don’t have to say it that way, but you know what I mean.
Good luck!

PuzzledHeart

You could certainly talk to the sister to alleviate your conscience, but I wouldn't expect anything from that conversation. If anything, the family could never claim that they weren't warned about his behavior, and should be prepared to take the full consequences if they're negligent. That said, perhaps some flattery would work in at least getting the message a little deeper (ex. "I respect you." "You have the girls' best interest in mind").

The girls have to learn sooner or later how to stand up for themselves, so perhaps you can work out "scripts" on how they should respond when they get pressured into getting into the car with him.

Perhaps you should just arrange for them to be picked up by somebody else. It doesn't have to be a confrontation "We're just going out for coffee. We're going to the mall. She happens to be around the neighborhood and wants to stop by."

Still, not easy. Not easy at all.

HTown

Yes flattery works well. Hey sister, I need some advice. I value your opinion. The kids are upset at their dad for driving them home after he had been drinking. How do you think I should handle this in the future? I do not want them feeling uncomfortable again. What do you think?

maia1234

IMO, the sisters shouldn't be in a car with a drunk anybody, Dad, aunts, mom or cousins. When there is alcoholism in the family they need to start this at a very early age. This is unacceptable behavior.

They all have cell phones so someone can call you or an uber. They need to feel empowered and to tell them this is how we handle it. Dad can say that he had only one, but believe in your gut, if you feel differently, have them make other plans. Open up those conversations with the kids, they are worth it.

(I just had a friend, 27 years old that died Saturday night from being hit by a drunk, who fled the scene) Don't get in the car!!

Gru

I'm so sorry about your friend. That really sucks. Tragic. My Grandma also was killed by a drunk driver, and I missed knowing her. Ugh.
I'm not going to be involved long term in these kids lives probably but I just want to do the responsible observer thing. They don't sleep at their dad's house so I'm the only person besides his drinking buddies who knows what he's up to every night. Yes, good idea with the flattery too. I'll throw that in there.

hopeful4

If they are teens, they need to be educated about addiction (they may be already). They should be old enough to advocate for themselves, and this is a good time to start. I would educate them about getting in a car with someone who has been drinking AT ALL, and let them know if they need a ride to call you and you will gladly come get them.

Said from someone who believed my XAH's sister would advocate for my children, and was surprised when she did not. It's easier for her to stay out of it, so I educated my children instead. Well worth it. My children have found the strength to say they will NEVER be in the presence of their father drinking and will certainly never ride w/him. It has carried over with other people in their lives as well because as teens, this will be something they may encounter with others as well, very soon.

Big hugs.

Gru

Ya. Thats a good point. Their Mom is in AA so maybe she'll do that work with them. If they told her.

HTown

I like the idea of uber, tie the fare to an adult’s account.