Update on DD
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Location: east coast
Posts: 532
Update on DD
I saw DD yesterday. I had not seen her in over a year. We went on an outing with two friends- another mother and daughter- a good friend of mine who was very supportive of me. I lost it a couple of times and started crying. I was just overwhelmed with emotion- and sadness that we had grown so far apart. I told DD later that I was sad because this year there had been times when it wasn't "warm and fuzzy" between us. Her response was no relationship is perfect. I was afraid- afraid I would say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing. I also wanted to tell her how she treated me this year was hurtful and unfair- but I realized that would not be good, so I had to stuff my feelings down. The time I most needed love and support - this year- she attacked me- called me selfish and unfair. She is my only daughter. If she were not my daughter, I would be letting the relationship go. I suppose this may be a start, but as I type this I realize my fear is that this relationship will continue to be hurtful and disappointing, and I may just have to let it go anyway.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Some family relationships are best with time and space between visits. A nice lunch here, an invitation to dinner there...no expectations, just treating each other like friends that see each other once in a while, can often grow into something better as time passes by.
I'm glad you did this outing, it's a good start even if you were emotional. Any mama would be.
Hugs
I'm glad you did this outing, it's a good start even if you were emotional. Any mama would be.
Hugs
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
Perhaps give some time and distance from this relationship as a gift to yourself.
Are you enjoying life on a daily basis? If so... why not work with a therapist for a while to be able to bring joy to a day spent with your adult child, instead of fear of what the relationship isn't...
Been there... doing this... it's a process and a journey, yet it's paying off for me in many unexpected ways.
I understand these fears, these kind of tears... it can get better, but the only thing we're able to change is the energy we're bringing to the relationship.
Are you enjoying life on a daily basis? If so... why not work with a therapist for a while to be able to bring joy to a day spent with your adult child, instead of fear of what the relationship isn't...
Been there... doing this... it's a process and a journey, yet it's paying off for me in many unexpected ways.
I understand these fears, these kind of tears... it can get better, but the only thing we're able to change is the energy we're bringing to the relationship.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
qtpi......I can totally relate to how you are feeling. I have seen other adult children do this type of insensitive thing. I think it is a lot more common than you think.
I am glad that you had this much together time....even though I realize that you "need" more...and, I think that, ideally, you should have more.
I can't say more than this because I simply do not have a feeling for your daughter's personality at all....
But...it is a first step, for both of you....so maybe it is enough for now to feel grateful for this beginning....
I can remember that my sister, for some unknown reason remained almost estranged form our immediate family for about 4yrs. ...and, how deeply it hurt my mother....But, later, my sister moved to be closer to our mother and took care of her a lot before our mother passed....(many years later)
If I were you, I would not jump to the action of ending the relationship...though, you might have to change expectations, a bit....
Estrangement...total estrangement, brings a lot of grief and mourning....and, that can be unnecessary pain....on top of pain....
I think it might help to read up on estrangement of family members, a bit....
To me, I see estrangement as a last resort...only for drastic...very drastic family relationships.....
I am glad that you had this much together time....even though I realize that you "need" more...and, I think that, ideally, you should have more.
I can't say more than this because I simply do not have a feeling for your daughter's personality at all....
But...it is a first step, for both of you....so maybe it is enough for now to feel grateful for this beginning....
I can remember that my sister, for some unknown reason remained almost estranged form our immediate family for about 4yrs. ...and, how deeply it hurt my mother....But, later, my sister moved to be closer to our mother and took care of her a lot before our mother passed....(many years later)
If I were you, I would not jump to the action of ending the relationship...though, you might have to change expectations, a bit....
Estrangement...total estrangement, brings a lot of grief and mourning....and, that can be unnecessary pain....on top of pain....
I think it might help to read up on estrangement of family members, a bit....
To me, I see estrangement as a last resort...only for drastic...very drastic family relationships.....
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
qtpi.....about the "energy" thing....don't beat yourself up too much....
You were having the normal reaction, I think....appropriate emotions for the situation.....
We all want/need to feel "heard" in any relationship....that is how we feel close and safe....if we are truly heard. You need to feel heard by your daughter for the cruel things she said when you were vulnerable...
Maybe, in the future, you can let her know....however....I suggest that you stick to "I" sentences only!! Never say "you did this or that".....
"I miss you a lot"..."I think about you a lot...and remember the good times we had"...."I feel sad when I can't see you or talk to you"....etc.....
You were having the normal reaction, I think....appropriate emotions for the situation.....
We all want/need to feel "heard" in any relationship....that is how we feel close and safe....if we are truly heard. You need to feel heard by your daughter for the cruel things she said when you were vulnerable...
Maybe, in the future, you can let her know....however....I suggest that you stick to "I" sentences only!! Never say "you did this or that".....
"I miss you a lot"..."I think about you a lot...and remember the good times we had"...."I feel sad when I can't see you or talk to you"....etc.....
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
Learning curves, mama bear!! (((Hugs)))
First good step... letting emotions flow. Next... realizing we are simply human when the emotions aren't the ones we wanted.
Two years ago during the holidays I had NO way of not having tears when shopping and visiting my adult children... I thought I was going into it strong and with joy, but other emotions just kept coming up.
You're doing many good things and stretching to do more.
What are you doing for yourself today?
First good step... letting emotions flow. Next... realizing we are simply human when the emotions aren't the ones we wanted.
Two years ago during the holidays I had NO way of not having tears when shopping and visiting my adult children... I thought I was going into it strong and with joy, but other emotions just kept coming up.
You're doing many good things and stretching to do more.
What are you doing for yourself today?
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
I'm really becoming a believer in things unexpectedly working out better than I planned... I just don't always see it.
Maybe it's a good thing for our grown children to see our vulnerability as much as us enjoying life?
Maybe it's a good thing for our grown children to see our vulnerability as much as us enjoying life?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
qtpi,
I'm more optimistic here. Your daughter did go on this outing with you. She didn't have to, but she did. I would take that as a good sign. It must have been hard for the both of you to meet after not talking for a year, and uncomfortable. I know it was uncomfortable for both me and and my youngest daughter to talk to each other after years of not speaking (her decision).
I messed it up after our first meeting though. I thought that gave me the right to call her (she didn't answer) and to email her (she didn't respond). I allowed myself to get upset again.
I had a lot of blaming to do back then, and I wanted everyone to know how "wronged" I've been.
I had a lot more growing up to do. I had to realize that we may never have the relationship that we had before, and that each of us most likely had different perceptions of what happened. I needed to see her as the beautiful individual she was, and I needed to establish myself into my own individual (separate from when I was married).
The next time that we met at a family gathering, I asked her why she wouldn't take my phone calls (wrong thing to do here) but she did respond to that. She told me that she did want a relationship, but that we need to do things slowly.
I started to have a more positive attitude while I was around her, and we took things slowly. It took over a year of this, and we are now better together then we have ever been. We do have a mother/daughter relationship, but we also have a "friend" relationship.
So my suggestion to you (not said harshly) is to let go of negative or pessimistic attitudes. Let your daughter see you for the loving person that you are. Celebrate the days, let go of the past. The things she said to you this past year are in the past. It's the future that you are building on now.
(((((((((hugs))))))))
amy
I'm more optimistic here. Your daughter did go on this outing with you. She didn't have to, but she did. I would take that as a good sign. It must have been hard for the both of you to meet after not talking for a year, and uncomfortable. I know it was uncomfortable for both me and and my youngest daughter to talk to each other after years of not speaking (her decision).
I messed it up after our first meeting though. I thought that gave me the right to call her (she didn't answer) and to email her (she didn't respond). I allowed myself to get upset again.
I had a lot of blaming to do back then, and I wanted everyone to know how "wronged" I've been.
I had a lot more growing up to do. I had to realize that we may never have the relationship that we had before, and that each of us most likely had different perceptions of what happened. I needed to see her as the beautiful individual she was, and I needed to establish myself into my own individual (separate from when I was married).
The next time that we met at a family gathering, I asked her why she wouldn't take my phone calls (wrong thing to do here) but she did respond to that. She told me that she did want a relationship, but that we need to do things slowly.
I started to have a more positive attitude while I was around her, and we took things slowly. It took over a year of this, and we are now better together then we have ever been. We do have a mother/daughter relationship, but we also have a "friend" relationship.
So my suggestion to you (not said harshly) is to let go of negative or pessimistic attitudes. Let your daughter see you for the loving person that you are. Celebrate the days, let go of the past. The things she said to you this past year are in the past. It's the future that you are building on now.
(((((((((hugs))))))))
amy
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
I'm glad you had the outing because these non-contact periods can grow very long by themselves. And she turned up.
I hope its the start to something more. If you raised her with love, and I'm sure you did, it would be natural for her to make her way back to you. I hope it happens soon.
I hope its the start to something more. If you raised her with love, and I'm sure you did, it would be natural for her to make her way back to you. I hope it happens soon.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hi qtpi, I'm glad you at least had some time with your DD.
Maybe the anticipation of what it would be and thinking about all that has gone on during the last year or so was just a bit much to be spinning around your mind. It would have been the same for me!
Hopefully, future outings will be smoother now that this first one is out of the way
Time will heal, I believe. Maybe try not to push yourself too much. If an opportunity to meet with her arises and you simply don't feel up to it, I think it would be OK to make arrangements for another day when you are.
Hang in there!
Maybe the anticipation of what it would be and thinking about all that has gone on during the last year or so was just a bit much to be spinning around your mind. It would have been the same for me!
Hopefully, future outings will be smoother now that this first one is out of the way
Time will heal, I believe. Maybe try not to push yourself too much. If an opportunity to meet with her arises and you simply don't feel up to it, I think it would be OK to make arrangements for another day when you are.
Hang in there!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
QTPI,
I am so happy for you that you got to see her. She also misses you, as you are her mother. Try and not over analyze the situation. See if she reaches out for future visits. Lower your expectations so you are not disappointed.
Keep the faith my friend, you are doing great!!!!
I am so happy for you that you got to see her. She also misses you, as you are her mother. Try and not over analyze the situation. See if she reaches out for future visits. Lower your expectations so you are not disappointed.
Keep the faith my friend, you are doing great!!!!
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
This. I get it. My daughter is 18. We got into a horrible argument on Thanksgiving evening, and the next day I was raw and to be truthful did not really want to be around her. She had said some very hurtful things to me. The next day I was going to the store and she unexpectedly jumped in my car and came with me. I was tearful and very quiet on the way there. However, after little bit I just wanted to leave that negative behind and move forward with her. She's my child, I love her.
With family, you don't always get the outcome you think or know you deserve. I realize that I was not 100% right, and she was not either. We have therapy together tomorrow, should be fun.
Since you have had such a rough year, maybe just trying to spend that time in the moment is what you should focus on.
Huge hugs friend.
With family, you don't always get the outcome you think or know you deserve. I realize that I was not 100% right, and she was not either. We have therapy together tomorrow, should be fun.
Since you have had such a rough year, maybe just trying to spend that time in the moment is what you should focus on.
Huge hugs friend.
Originally Posted by maia1234 
QTPI,
I am so happy for you that you got to see her. She also misses you, as you are her mother. Try and not over analyze the situation. See if she reaches out for future visits. Lower your expectations so you are not disappointed.
Keep the faith my friend, you are doing great!!!!
I am so happy for you that you got to see her. She also misses you, as you are her mother. Try and not over analyze the situation. See if she reaches out for future visits. Lower your expectations so you are not disappointed.
Keep the faith my friend, you are doing great!!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Location: east coast
Posts: 532
I have been talking with my counselor. She advised me to let some of the anger out. At the NOvember outing DD excluded me and was very chummy with the other people we were with- I am NOT too sensitive. They talked about times they had recently shared, and not invited me along- I felt like the unpopular girl in school- it was hurtful. Now she says she has no time to see me over the holidays- so I pointed out to her that she has the time to other friends and relatives further away from me- and that hurts me and makes me angry. She then called me passive- aggressive- and I said no you are. if you want to see me the door is open. I am fed up with the dance we are doing- she disrespects me curses at me calls me names- says she has no time for me and I act all nice and sweet, and loving. No more. I have people who care about me , love me , and respect and cherish me. Last christmas there was no christmas card, no greeting , no present , no acknowledgement from her at all- and I sent her a card and a generous cash gift. well this year, she gets nothing. I am angry. I told her I was angry. I have lived with too much hurt this year to tolerate any more. In my personal life I am only accepting love and good will. I am too old to put up with nonsense and BS!
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
She curses and calls you names? My goodness, with all the things she is doing she sounds very very toxic friend. You deserve better than that. Sometimes you have to love a person from afar because a relationship with them is simply too toxic.
Take good care of you, and do things that bring you happiness this holiday season!
Big hugs!
Take good care of you, and do things that bring you happiness this holiday season!
Big hugs!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
qtpi....OH, wow---that does sound beyond the pale. To think that she can call you names with no repercussions is soo disrespectful, to my way of thinking. Actually, I think it is abusive.....
Does the therapist have any theory of why she is behaving like this?
Ha she always been like this toward you?
Did she ever see your husband treating you badly or calling you names?
You don't deserve disrespect or abuse from her...or anyone, for that matter.
Maybe, it is time to establish some new rules of engagement....
If she is being a brat as an adult-t is time that she can have some reality feedback about her insensitive and cruel behavior....
I know how much this hurts a mother's heart!!!
Does the therapist have any theory of why she is behaving like this?
Ha she always been like this toward you?
Did she ever see your husband treating you badly or calling you names?
You don't deserve disrespect or abuse from her...or anyone, for that matter.
Maybe, it is time to establish some new rules of engagement....
If she is being a brat as an adult-t is time that she can have some reality feedback about her insensitive and cruel behavior....
I know how much this hurts a mother's heart!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Location: east coast
Posts: 532
My counselor taught me I was the peacemaker and xah had all the power. I was trying to make every thing nice for everyone. Who would you rather be? Mom is no longer a doormat... And she is aligning herself with the powerful father. I have no doubt she will see her father this Christmas. Although I want to talk this out with her I can't if she is unwilling. I am no longer a doormat. I deserve respect and love.
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