What is "intelligent social scaffolding"? What should friends and family "do for" an addict?
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
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What is "intelligent social scaffolding"? What should friends and family "do for" an addict?
Can someone please tell me what I'm supposed to think of this article? I found it pasted in the "pop culture" forum. The psychologist in the article says that the addict needs intelligent social scaffolding to hold the imagined pieces of their future together, while they reach toward it. I read a lot of articles like this while I was in a marriage to a person who progressed towards stage 4 addiction, and I really, really tried hard to make sure he had "intelligent social scaffolding" (if you can call it that). I frantically walked on eggshells trying to make him feel safe, secure, and at least content. This did not stop him from lying to me, and when I found out the extent of his lies, he gave up trying and let the addiction win (along with some horrible latent or attendant bad behaviors). So, in your opinion, what exactly is "intelligent social scaffolding" and what does it mean for the friends and family of addicts?
The article also says that addiction is not a disease. I really think that for some people it is, and I think I'm being generous when I say that, because the alternative is that they simply don't want to change their habits -- the alternative is that people who don't change are just people with behavioral problems that they have no problem with. I am aware that some people can recover, but I've honestly not experienced it.
Or perhaps I should not have bothered reading this article.
https://www.salon.com/2015/06/27/add...bstance_abuse/
The article also says that addiction is not a disease. I really think that for some people it is, and I think I'm being generous when I say that, because the alternative is that they simply don't want to change their habits -- the alternative is that people who don't change are just people with behavioral problems that they have no problem with. I am aware that some people can recover, but I've honestly not experienced it.
Or perhaps I should not have bothered reading this article.
https://www.salon.com/2015/06/27/add...bstance_abuse/
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There are so many layers of understanding by not only the addict but the family.
This angle and others may be valid for someone.
It's complicated. Don't second-guess your past. You did the best you could and he just wasn't hearing it/wasn't responding.
Lots of addiction literature rubs me the wrong way - and I'm a double-winner.
This angle and others may be valid for someone.
It's complicated. Don't second-guess your past. You did the best you could and he just wasn't hearing it/wasn't responding.
Lots of addiction literature rubs me the wrong way - and I'm a double-winner.
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The article you linked was more about neural pathways and habit and an alternative to the 12 Step model. It is definitely one of several models of recovery theory. I think they are all valid, but they are different. People react differently to different approaches and I'm glad that there are choices. The article was from the position of a neuroscientist and a psychologist.
That intelligent social scaffolding thing was in relation to psychotherapy I think - not the family.
That intelligent social scaffolding thing was in relation to psychotherapy I think - not the family.
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What a load of B.S.
I'm so tired of these articles that devote paragraph after paragraph debunking 12-step programs, but when it comes to their groundbreaking solution? One vague-a$$ sentence.
"What they need is sensitive, intelligent social scaffolding to hold the pieces of their imagined future in place — while they reach toward it.”
WTF does that even mean?
I do agree that addiction is not a disease, though. It's a failure, even refusal, to hold oneself accountable. And it can only be beaten through accountability. Those are three sentences, but I can stretch them out to about 200 pages if anyone wants to publish my book. Mostly by talking about how everyone else is wrong about everything.
Anyway, I have a feeling most of the books about addiction are read by friends and family of addicts, not the addicts themselves. We're desperate to help our loved ones and, unfortunately, there are many people out there who will take advantage of that to make a buck. Then we're left to wonder did we fail to properly "scaffold"? What more could we have done?
When I first filed for divorce I was an absolute wreck. I was desperate to make sense of my situation. Why was this happening? What was going through his head? How could he choose drugs over us, when I knew that he loved us so much? I read article after article about addiction, and many of them just left me feeling like I should have done more.
There's only one that finally helped me to put the pieces together, and it's not an article, but a sticky on SR:
"That's what addicts do".
That's all we friends and family need to know. The rest is up to them.
I'm so tired of these articles that devote paragraph after paragraph debunking 12-step programs, but when it comes to their groundbreaking solution? One vague-a$$ sentence.
"What they need is sensitive, intelligent social scaffolding to hold the pieces of their imagined future in place — while they reach toward it.”
WTF does that even mean?
I do agree that addiction is not a disease, though. It's a failure, even refusal, to hold oneself accountable. And it can only be beaten through accountability. Those are three sentences, but I can stretch them out to about 200 pages if anyone wants to publish my book. Mostly by talking about how everyone else is wrong about everything.
Anyway, I have a feeling most of the books about addiction are read by friends and family of addicts, not the addicts themselves. We're desperate to help our loved ones and, unfortunately, there are many people out there who will take advantage of that to make a buck. Then we're left to wonder did we fail to properly "scaffold"? What more could we have done?
When I first filed for divorce I was an absolute wreck. I was desperate to make sense of my situation. Why was this happening? What was going through his head? How could he choose drugs over us, when I knew that he loved us so much? I read article after article about addiction, and many of them just left me feeling like I should have done more.
There's only one that finally helped me to put the pieces together, and it's not an article, but a sticky on SR:
"That's what addicts do".
That's all we friends and family need to know. The rest is up to them.
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Originally Posted by Hechosedrugs 
...
"What they need is sensitive, intelligent social scaffolding to hold the pieces of their imagined future in place — while they reach toward it.”
WTF does that even mean?
...
"What they need is sensitive, intelligent social scaffolding to hold the pieces of their imagined future in place — while they reach toward it.”
WTF does that even mean?
...
I don't know the solution. It is complicated and varies from person to person. One of the things that bothers me about pieces like this is the either implied or out-and-out stated message that friends and family are responsible for whether or not the addict succeeds or fails. And yes, that does rub me the wrong way. Especially since the late Mr. Seren and I tried everything we could think of and still my stepson drinks.
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I believe if there was an intelligent social scaffolding in place, the active addict who does not want to change their lifestyle will run and find a group that supports the the kind of life that they want.
They can ignore friends and family, and choose new ones depending on how they feel. If they wanted to change for the better, they would walk towards an intelligent social scaffolding and be receptive to help from loved ones/therapists.
I know both kinds of addicts.
I have a friend in rehab right now, she knows she has a problem and she is seeking help. I'm very supportive of her because she is receptive of it. She chose to go to rehab.
Other active addicts know they are addicted and announce that they will never change.
The active addict will always be at a fork in the road, with one arrow pointing to acceptance of a problem, and the other to denial of a problem.
They can ignore friends and family, and choose new ones depending on how they feel. If they wanted to change for the better, they would walk towards an intelligent social scaffolding and be receptive to help from loved ones/therapists.
I know both kinds of addicts.
I have a friend in rehab right now, she knows she has a problem and she is seeking help. I'm very supportive of her because she is receptive of it. She chose to go to rehab.
Other active addicts know they are addicted and announce that they will never change.
The active addict will always be at a fork in the road, with one arrow pointing to acceptance of a problem, and the other to denial of a problem.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
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Thank you everyone. These are very reassuring answers. I struggle daily with accepting that I did everything I could do, and even more that I should not have done in helping the addict in my life. I try to move on from it; reading articles like this really does me no favors. SR has really been a lifeline for me.
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remember katz, that over the years you were with the addict, a lot of you sort of dissolved into him. you worried more about HIS thoughts, HIS feelings, HIS needs, what was the next best thing for HIM, how to arrange things so that HE can be successful at recovery. and he fought you every step of the way, which meant you had to invest MORE of you in HIM.
it's going to take time to get all of YOU back.
have you ever been halibut fishing? they are a bottom fish so you have to let out a LOT of line. they are also a big flat fish and while they don't "fight" like a salmon or marlin, they do RESIST. so it takes a lonnnnnggggg time to reel one of those bad boys in. if you let out 500 feet of line, you gotta reel 500 feet of line back in, with a big heavy fish in tow. at the deeper depths a 50# fish feels like 500.
you are still on the stern of the boat, still reeling in line. taking breaks, getting tired, maybe even handing off the pole to someone else for a bit, then taking control again and hauling your "catch" in.
yes, in this allegory, you ARE the halibut. sorry. but you are really nice halibut, and worth the effort.
ps - and for what it's worth i think babble like intelligent social scaffolding is a bunch of hooey.
it's going to take time to get all of YOU back.
have you ever been halibut fishing? they are a bottom fish so you have to let out a LOT of line. they are also a big flat fish and while they don't "fight" like a salmon or marlin, they do RESIST. so it takes a lonnnnnggggg time to reel one of those bad boys in. if you let out 500 feet of line, you gotta reel 500 feet of line back in, with a big heavy fish in tow. at the deeper depths a 50# fish feels like 500.
you are still on the stern of the boat, still reeling in line. taking breaks, getting tired, maybe even handing off the pole to someone else for a bit, then taking control again and hauling your "catch" in.
yes, in this allegory, you ARE the halibut. sorry. but you are really nice halibut, and worth the effort.
ps - and for what it's worth i think babble like intelligent social scaffolding is a bunch of hooey.
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Originally Posted by OpheliaKatz
Thank you everyone. These are very reassuring answers. I struggle daily with accepting that I did everything I could do, and even more that I should not have done in helping the addict in my life. I try to move on from it; reading articles like this really does me no favors. SR has really been a lifeline for me.
I think during the healing process we doubt ourselves a lot, but trust me, you did everything you can and I agree with Anvilheadll. I think the doubt you feel is proof that you put in a lot into the relationship. In fact so much that part of you was dissolved. Getting yourself back is a process in itself, it will take time, and it will be a road of doubt and weird confusion. I just think its part of the healing process. Just vent away, and we will be here to bat away those doubts!! I totally feel for you and don't worry we are always here for you, hugs!
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
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Anvilhead, and everyone thank you. I do like the fish analogy! I liked "Finding Dory", so the fish analogy does seem to make sense to me. Does anyone remember the end of the movie where Sigourney Weaver says, "rescue, rehabilitation, and release"? I nearly cried when I watched that scene. Yes, a cartoon made me cry. Not since "Bambi" first came out has that happened. In this case I feel like I'm Dory. I'm lost and trying to find my way home.
It really does not help that I have a shrink who says I'll be less angry if I try to remember the good times. I think I made a mistake when shrink shopping. I started shrink shopping when I was a serious codie, and I think I might have deliberately yet unconsciously looked for a shrink that would "help" the addict -- there were times when I'd be in a session and she'd ask me if she should call him and discuss rehab options with him while I was there. I mean...! I think her intentions are in the right place, but she's not an addiction or domestic violence counselor.
In hindsight, the system here is not equipped to handle addiction, and that is why there are so many who die from it, and so many people like me (insane from caring).
It really does not help that I have a shrink who says I'll be less angry if I try to remember the good times. I think I made a mistake when shrink shopping. I started shrink shopping when I was a serious codie, and I think I might have deliberately yet unconsciously looked for a shrink that would "help" the addict -- there were times when I'd be in a session and she'd ask me if she should call him and discuss rehab options with him while I was there. I mean...! I think her intentions are in the right place, but she's not an addiction or domestic violence counselor.
In hindsight, the system here is not equipped to handle addiction, and that is why there are so many who die from it, and so many people like me (insane from caring).
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
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To be honest, I have doubts about my therapist being objective. I nearly cut off contact with my family because she said it would be better to do so. She then said that she had cut off contact with her family at my age. So... I don't know. I feel... weird.
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I think addicts do need a neutral, unflappable, un-manipulable counseling presence in their lives, but to give it a name like "intelligent social scaffolding" is just a bit too much for me to swallow.
Also, family members and friends of the addict/alcoholic are simply too close to the situation to be neutral. Some distance has to be sought, imo, in order for the family member to heal. And that is hard because our compassionate nature tells us we are supposed to help. And family members deserve to heal every bit as much as the addict/alcoholic.
No one can help me manage my diabetes for me anymore than I can manage my stepson's alcoholism for him. It seems that because it is addiction and typically drama is involved, we family members feel that we are responsible for putting out the fires...when we aren't. That is a tough one to let go of.
Also, family members and friends of the addict/alcoholic are simply too close to the situation to be neutral. Some distance has to be sought, imo, in order for the family member to heal. And that is hard because our compassionate nature tells us we are supposed to help. And family members deserve to heal every bit as much as the addict/alcoholic.
No one can help me manage my diabetes for me anymore than I can manage my stepson's alcoholism for him. It seems that because it is addiction and typically drama is involved, we family members feel that we are responsible for putting out the fires...when we aren't. That is a tough one to let go of.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
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Thank you Seren. Unfortunately, I think a lot of people in active addiction go shopping for a counselor who is going to be easy to manipulate. Just like how when I was still with my qualifier, I went shopping for a counselor who was going to help me to help him, thus keeping me in a toxic relationship. It was totally unconscious on my part, I really felt that if I was stressed, I needed someone else to "help me help him". In reality I should have been getting help for myself and myself alone. I know that every time my ex came up against the suggestion that he go to rehab, he would switch counselors, and he would tell me that that counselor was ignorant about PTSD. So while the idea of "intelligent social scaffolding" is a nice idea, for my ex, that is ALL he would have been -- an idea. I feel a bit better now. I'm still struggling, but grateful for this forum!
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Is "intelligent social scaffolding" confined to a therapist/counsellor, or does it refer to all the societal factors that affect addiction & recovery?
If the latter, I can relate. My SO has been clean for a year, but is finding it really difficult to find work, due to not having proper ID. (He needs this for a police check before he can get into addiction support; he'd be able to break into this as lived experience is sought after, but can't even get a job in a shop as he has zero work experience at the age of 40, having been street homeless since he was 17.) He can't get a passport because you need a professional to verify your identity for a first application, and he never had a consistent GP or anything as he was too chaotic to stick with anyone who would qualify for the requisite 2 years. Before that, he spent time in a hostel surrounded by heavy drug users and only managed to move into a flat because I was in a position to front him the money for the deposit; he says he'd never have managed to maintain in in the hostel environment.
He's done the clinical side himself, i.e. the detoxing & maintaining sobriety, but the lack of social support has made it harder for him at every turn and it's starting to get him down. If that's what the article means by 'social scaffolding' then they might have a point.
I wouldn't think they're talking about families and partners. At least, I hope not; that would be lending itself to codependence and feeding into families' need to help even when the person with the addiction isn't willing to help themselves.
If the latter, I can relate. My SO has been clean for a year, but is finding it really difficult to find work, due to not having proper ID. (He needs this for a police check before he can get into addiction support; he'd be able to break into this as lived experience is sought after, but can't even get a job in a shop as he has zero work experience at the age of 40, having been street homeless since he was 17.) He can't get a passport because you need a professional to verify your identity for a first application, and he never had a consistent GP or anything as he was too chaotic to stick with anyone who would qualify for the requisite 2 years. Before that, he spent time in a hostel surrounded by heavy drug users and only managed to move into a flat because I was in a position to front him the money for the deposit; he says he'd never have managed to maintain in in the hostel environment.
He's done the clinical side himself, i.e. the detoxing & maintaining sobriety, but the lack of social support has made it harder for him at every turn and it's starting to get him down. If that's what the article means by 'social scaffolding' then they might have a point.
I wouldn't think they're talking about families and partners. At least, I hope not; that would be lending itself to codependence and feeding into families' need to help even when the person with the addiction isn't willing to help themselves.
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