chiquen81

At 4 months I am really struggling the most at work. I just feel like everyone is really chipper/happy at work, have families, are "normies" and the complete opposite of me. I am severely depressed all the time (seeing a psych about it) and dealing with recovery. I know they say you shouldn't judge other people by their outsides, but I do think generally most people are normal and can get a decent night sleep. It's so hard for me to be in a normal working environment going through this stuff. I really just want to leave work and run away from this place every day. It's not even a bad place to work, I just want to sleep and lie under a blanket. I know that's part of my "terminal uniqueness" going on...

I sobbed on my way to work.... just cried so much and didn't want to go to my job. I guess what I am asking is if anyone else struggled like this...?

tomsteve

to a degree,yes. i was in AA and everyone there understood what i was going through in early recovery.
outside of AA, i doubt those people understood, but they didnt have to.

chiquen81

Yeah I guess I just feel really alone outside of the rooms....even in a crowded room full of people

tomsteve

very understandable and relatable. with T.I.M.E. that feeling subsided for me.
i dont like crowded rooms much, but thats because im an introvert.

JJ991

Do you have anyone to confide in at work? I know not everyone will want to do that but I find it helps me. I don't go into lots of detail, but a couple of people know the situation.
Also, lots of people seem happy on the outside but it doesn't mean the necessarily are happy!

sobersolstice

I own a business with a partner I work with, and I can't work today. I feel like I will do something dangerous or stupid. I'm 2 months dry, but not sure if things are better. I feel lost and volatile. I'm self protective, but sabotaging myself.

Anna

Chiquen, yes, I felt very alone in early recovery. I felt 'less than' other people and didn't understand why life was so hard for me and it seemed so easy for others. What I learned was that life isn't easy for anyone. We all have our struggles and we're all just trying to show up and do our best.

SimplyFree

It’s not uncommon to feel like that. I have to believe it will improve someday at some point. Blessings.....stay strong. Drinking won’t fix anything, forward is the answer.

SportsFan15

I'm nearly at 5 months and I feel almost identical to what you described. I feel lower (less than) and slower than everyone else. Like they have a spark and zest for life I don't have. I'm trusting what everyone here and in AA says "it gets better." It's really helped me to see some of the AA people face to face who are further along than me - they have the zest for life too!

Something that I'm doing for the first time this time is working the steps. I'm so weighed down by childhood guilt and alcoholism guilt - I think working the steps will lighten the load after I've "done the work."

Again, we can both keep remembering "it gets better!"

Bluemilk

I can very much relate to what you're saying here. With X-Mas on the horizon we have been receiving gifts of alcohol at work. It's been hard for me to turn down the gifts (using the excuse of my gastro problems as opposed to admitting I have a problem with booze) but it also has really exacerbated the feelings of "whats wrong with me?".

I'm 35, live with just me and my geckos and sometimes it feels like I've already done enough damage to my life via drinking I'm just using a bucket to stop a ship sinking. Everyone else here seems happy, has a family and are happy to receive the gifts of booze.

Like yourself I have a decent job and the people are pretty good here too but I still feel just like you; a lot. I really thought my first week sober where I had a whole bunch of alcohol withdrawal symptoms was going to be the hardest part but as I go forwards I'm realizing that coming to terms with the fact that everyday is a battle for me is actually the hardest part. I can't help but feel a twinge of resentment to see everyone else heading home with some festive treats and enjoying themselves. I find myself wishing I was "normal" too.

All that said though; I always have found it easier to focus on the negative instead of the positive. Hopefully as you receive some help for your depression it will help you see what a fantastic achievement you've made with 4 months sober.

JJ991

Not long ago I would have seemed happy, lovely family and happy to receive the gifts of booze.

In reality I had an alcohol problem, home life was very tense and draining and any booze would have been drank the very same night, the result being a drunk, tired, emotional me, then waking up in the middle of the night with such anxiety & a feeling of dread. Then repeat.

I'm coming to terms with giving up on normality, I'm going for special!

DangerZone

Unless you are talking to a fellow addict they are probably not going to understand. Addiction is not a logical thing that people can figure out and make sense of. Even sometimes I have a hard time understanding why I ever decided to drink again.

I wouldn't worry about it. Just embrace being different and make the best of it. Look at it this way if we all were the same the world would be a pretty boring place.

Forward12

Absolutely. I thought I was alone and no one in the world could understand, until I listened to a few AA speakers and thought "Wow, they speaking my story word for word"
The famous quote "You are no special snowflake" may seem insulting at first, but is the truth.

SoulShine8

Ditto.... I completely understand what you are talking about. One thing I have recently stopped doing is going anywhere near Fakebook. That was a depressing place for me due to all the reasons you posted chiq.
I don't necessarily want to be or ever wanted to be a "normie", I just want to not be such an outsider all the time.

Healthyandsober

I totally get it chiquen81,

work is a struggle for me as well, i feel like an outsider and full of secrets. everybody goes out after work to grab drinks or a bit and i just hurry out to grab a meeting sometimes freaking out if the meeting is near work as i don't want no one to see me getting in.

I hate my job and now there is not even camaraderie or hanging out cause i just am an alcoholic period. i so wish i were normal. this holiday season will be hard for me. at least in here i get to feel understood if not normal and i hope you experience that too.

You are not alone in these. best of luck!