Long time :)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 384
Long time :)
Hey y'all!
Long time no see my friends, hope everyone is doing well! I'm doing ok as can be, just thought I'd give a little update. I think it's important to share my experience because I think it helps put into perspective the time it takes to heal. 18 months ago I was thinking that things "should" change immediately and just keep going up up up but it doesn't work like that. Life is full of ups and downs and continues to be that way for me, especially since I realized that I too was using alcohol as a crutch.
What really brought me here has been the past two months. The weddings that I was dreading came and went (I saw my axbf for the first time in over a year). The first wedding did not go well as I crashed my car. I'm fine, I was still in a parking lot thankfully and it involved only me. I did end up getting my dream car so all was well but of course it could've gone way worse. I was putting an address in my GPS and looked down too long and when I looked up I was heading for a telephone pole. I'd like to say that alcohol wasn't a factor but I'm sure it was. I had so much guilt and shame about what happened that it took me a week to call it in to insurance. I went to another wedding a couple weeks later and had far less to drink (axbf was in attendance there too) and "oddly" enough had wayyyy more fun.
I felt a sense of pride like okay... that's all over and now I can just move on with my life again, however just a month later tragedy struck (suicide
) and I was once again placed in the orbit of my ex.
Slowly over the last month I fell back into old habits I didn't fully realize I had. I drank more and more and fell sick twice as I tried to process this loss... more like as I tried to avoid feeling uncomfortable about this loss. Drama was created as his current gf did not like that I was back in the picture, even if for a brief moment and for something out of our control, and it showed me just how far I had come. I was once that girl and I felt empathy as she exposed her insecurities about her relationship. It's not like I can blame her... I was there once and I wish she could see that if anything in due time I may be her ally and not her enemy.
I think I'll be in therapy for a long time. I'm trying to get back to the sense of peace I felt before these weddings happened. They threw me off more than I thought they would. Seeing him made me feel sad, like still nothing has changed. At the same time proud that I got away and am working on myself for the first time.
Lately I've been feeling inferior. I feel jealous of people who grew up in better homes. I feel ashamed of telling people why I don't see my family. I don't want them to judge me
I'm seeing just how "abnormal" it is to be sooo estranged from everyone in my family. I'm afraid I've been self isolating. This loss has really hit me so hard so I suppose right now this IS normal. My friend called me and told me to get my **** together and I'm so grateful. And scared. It was seamless falling back into old patterns. I'm afraid I'll always be susceptible to this. I just want to be happy and normal and I'm afraid I'll always be mad that I missed out on so many years of happiness and living.
I keep pushing people away who want to get closer because I'm so scared. I want to let them in. I do. I feel like I've lost so much since 2016 when in reality I'm coming to terms with everything I lost or never had since I was born. I know this will pass and I know I am again grieving the loss of so much more. Everything goes so deep because I put it off for so long. Everything has such deeper meaning. I'm going to now get out of bed and focus on self care again. It always makes me feel better. Even something as small as lighting a candle or making sure I drink enough water. It's all so simple yet so difficult. And I wouldn't be here writing this or planning this day if it wasn't for my decision to stop self medicating with alcohol and allow myself to feel everything again.
I'm so thankful for outlets such as this board. Thanks as always for listening. Peace.
Long time no see my friends, hope everyone is doing well! I'm doing ok as can be, just thought I'd give a little update. I think it's important to share my experience because I think it helps put into perspective the time it takes to heal. 18 months ago I was thinking that things "should" change immediately and just keep going up up up but it doesn't work like that. Life is full of ups and downs and continues to be that way for me, especially since I realized that I too was using alcohol as a crutch.
What really brought me here has been the past two months. The weddings that I was dreading came and went (I saw my axbf for the first time in over a year). The first wedding did not go well as I crashed my car. I'm fine, I was still in a parking lot thankfully and it involved only me. I did end up getting my dream car so all was well but of course it could've gone way worse. I was putting an address in my GPS and looked down too long and when I looked up I was heading for a telephone pole. I'd like to say that alcohol wasn't a factor but I'm sure it was. I had so much guilt and shame about what happened that it took me a week to call it in to insurance. I went to another wedding a couple weeks later and had far less to drink (axbf was in attendance there too) and "oddly" enough had wayyyy more fun.
I felt a sense of pride like okay... that's all over and now I can just move on with my life again, however just a month later tragedy struck (suicide
) and I was once again placed in the orbit of my ex. Slowly over the last month I fell back into old habits I didn't fully realize I had. I drank more and more and fell sick twice as I tried to process this loss... more like as I tried to avoid feeling uncomfortable about this loss. Drama was created as his current gf did not like that I was back in the picture, even if for a brief moment and for something out of our control, and it showed me just how far I had come. I was once that girl and I felt empathy as she exposed her insecurities about her relationship. It's not like I can blame her... I was there once and I wish she could see that if anything in due time I may be her ally and not her enemy.
I think I'll be in therapy for a long time. I'm trying to get back to the sense of peace I felt before these weddings happened. They threw me off more than I thought they would. Seeing him made me feel sad, like still nothing has changed. At the same time proud that I got away and am working on myself for the first time.
Lately I've been feeling inferior. I feel jealous of people who grew up in better homes. I feel ashamed of telling people why I don't see my family. I don't want them to judge me
I'm seeing just how "abnormal" it is to be sooo estranged from everyone in my family. I'm afraid I've been self isolating. This loss has really hit me so hard so I suppose right now this IS normal. My friend called me and told me to get my **** together and I'm so grateful. And scared. It was seamless falling back into old patterns. I'm afraid I'll always be susceptible to this. I just want to be happy and normal and I'm afraid I'll always be mad that I missed out on so many years of happiness and living.
I keep pushing people away who want to get closer because I'm so scared. I want to let them in. I do. I feel like I've lost so much since 2016 when in reality I'm coming to terms with everything I lost or never had since I was born. I know this will pass and I know I am again grieving the loss of so much more. Everything goes so deep because I put it off for so long. Everything has such deeper meaning. I'm going to now get out of bed and focus on self care again. It always makes me feel better. Even something as small as lighting a candle or making sure I drink enough water. It's all so simple yet so difficult. And I wouldn't be here writing this or planning this day if it wasn't for my decision to stop self medicating with alcohol and allow myself to feel everything again.
I'm so thankful for outlets such as this board. Thanks as always for listening. Peace.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by Expanding 
Even something as small as lighting a candle or making sure I drink enough water. It's all so simple yet so difficult. And I wouldn't be here writing this or planning this day if it wasn't for my decision to stop self medicating with alcohol and allow myself to feel everything again.
Thanks for the update, Expanding. Things clearly haven't been easy for you, but it sounds like you're continuing to grow and learn. I'm glad you stopped back in to share w/us.
I wish you continued strength and clarity.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
Good to hear from you, Expanding. Life is not easy, that's for darn sure.
But I admire your strength and fortitude to plug away, to not stop trying to get better. You'll get there, I'm certain.
(((((HUGS)))))
COD
But I admire your strength and fortitude to plug away, to not stop trying to get better. You'll get there, I'm certain.
(((((HUGS)))))
COD
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Expanding
Good for you for working on yourself. Have you ever thought about giving up alcohol for 30 days to see how you feel? It might clear up your head some. If it's not easy to walk away from it, this might be something that you need to do In your future. Think about it, you have nothing to lose. Hugs, stick around, we are always here.
Good for you for working on yourself. Have you ever thought about giving up alcohol for 30 days to see how you feel? It might clear up your head some. If it's not easy to walk away from it, this might be something that you need to do In your future. Think about it, you have nothing to lose. Hugs, stick around, we are always here.
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