ChunkiMunk9

So, hi 👋🏼, I just joined.
I'm feeling a bit "crazy" lately--well, *extra* "crazy" compared to my usual-self, and I'm just wondering if anyone had similar feelings around their first 100 days...

This past weekend I became dizzily fixated on facts/concepts which I was already somewhat aware of--FOR EXAMPLE: The fact that I work as a teller in a bank and they train us to be basically be perfect robots, so, eventually they're able to replace us with machines (those fancy atms)... and it felt like I was on the brink of losing my mind, because of this sudden awareness/theory. I found myself attempting to *connect* with every single customer after my 'realization'. I felt humanity much closer to its brink of self-destruction and evil. I talked to my sponsor and my therapist and they've assured me I'm not crazy. But, why do I feel so crazy? Why DID I?

After that day, the next day, I became so fixated on my sudden belief that humanity really is all humanity has (we can only connect, get close to having shared experiences, with OTHER human beings, and nothing else--cars, buildings, fame, every social evolution of progress "matters"), I became SUPER aware of my mortality, and my grandmothers mortality, to the point that I became teary-eyed in the grocery market... and then proceeded to cry while exiting the parking lot.. like.... I've felt such huge shifts in perception that I feel like my mind is going to break. And, honestly this has happened before (huge change of perception that caused a similar "crazy" feeling), so maybe it's not so much to do with sobriety, maybe it's just me...

Honestly, I do find myself identifying more and more with the AA ideologies, and can't help but hope this above is just my "alcoholic brain"

Any comment is much appreciated...
Thanks,
A perfectly normal human being

Bird615

To me, it sounds like something in you is beginning to awaken and in a good way. I've had similar moments like that and I don't think it's crazy. Some books that helped me early in exploring this new awareness were Eckhart Tolle's "The Power of Now", or Don Miguel Ruiz's "The Four Agreements". There are many other books out there, but these were fairly simple and easy to read to start with.

But the very beginning of this new path I found myself on all started in AA with my development of a concept of a higher power--something greater than myself. It's gradually grown from there.

Berrybean

I agree with the above - it's that awakening thing. Some bits come sowly and gradually, but sometimes we can have sudden moments of clarity that, like someone switching a bright light on in a dark room, can leave us temporarily dazed and bewildered. Don't worry. Write down your thoughts and feelings and keep talking to your sponsor and other folk in recovery. I've even known folk to meet their priest or vicar to chat through these things if religiously inclined. I find the Fransciscan contemplations useful at times - a lot of Richard Rohr's writings dovetail with the 12-step program.

When I was at the stage you are describing I needed to lean on my sponsor a little more than usual. The 'next best thing' suddenly didn't seem as straightforward a decision as before because I was getting used to a new way of thinking. Gradually I gained confidence as I found that when I ran things past her she said what I'd thought myself. But I know what you mean.

Lol. I remember thinking 'I know people told me I was going to have an awakening, but they could'a made me believe em!' It was a bit of a shock.

I reckon you're going to be fine. This is all growth. You're just a bit wobbly - like a new-born giraffe - at the moment, but you'll soon be grace-ful as ever.

BB

Downthepath

If you're anything like me, you haven't been free of the effects of alcohol for much of your adult life. Bearing in mind how long it stays in your system, I'm not sure I've had a single day up until now.
I keep wondering what I personally, but we as a species could have achieved if alcohol had never existed.
My moods are changing in a way that they never have before, too.
So this is what being human feels like...

HTown

Good for you for “waking up” and seeing. Yes we are all connected, yes we are mortal, but I believe our spirit does not die when our bodies do. living in the present is a great way to live. cherish your grandmother now. cherish your life and nature now. Love yourself and treat yourself with respect now.

ChunkiMunk9

Thank you so much for all of your responses. A friend of mine had a very similar response to yours, and I can't be grateful enough that there are people on here, who 'listen' and respond... thanks again, I will continue to "fight the good fight"

Anna

It doesn't sound to me like an alcoholic brain and it doesn't sound crazy. You're becoming more aware of your feelings, more aware of your surroundings and more aware of your human interactions. Those are all good things. It could be that the feelings seem like a lot to cope with right now, but you will be fine.

ChunkiMunk9

I had my first drunken experience at 15, and like my first experience I always drank to achieve a blackout. Rarely would I ever drink to achieve a "buzz".. I honestly can't remember a single time I was satisfied with a "buzz".. I'm open to the idea that alcohol has dictated the extent of my personal and spiritual growth since the age of 16. From 21-26(now), I used alcohol as my "reset" button. Any personal discomfort regarding any aspect of my life was stuffed with my weekly or monthly binge. I always felt refreshed and "better," the night after a blackout. So, yeah, like my grandma told me, "[We]'re a little late to the game," but, hey, at least we're in it now, like fully submersed, now.. I wrote a poem recently.. "feeling like life hit me with the force of a thousand winds ... I wish to bite into atoms" -- lol, that's simply, honestly what it's felt like for me recently.

Berrybean

Aha. Rings true for me. I recall describing the strength of emotions that I was feeling as being like tsunami's.

But like it says on the wall of the gym (that I walk past and glance in the window lol) 'It doesn't get easier.... We just get stronger'.

Keep building those sober muscles. We don't stay this raw for tooooo long. Where are you on your step work?

BB

hpdw

I agree with the above . I get these strange "whats it all about " feelings and can find myself in an almost dreamlike state like i,m looking in from a different place .
I,ts hard to explain but its a nice feeling ,quite peaceful.
Young children do this often ( see this with my grand kids )its like they're in a different dimension for a few minutes .

Gottalife

O don't know about the deeper meanings, but back home they are encouraging the customers in the supermarket into self check out. I always refuse, and insist that a real person process my purchases. I have two reasons. The main one is the self checkout is designed to put the supermarket workers out of a job. The second is I get no discount for self check out, I still pay the same price, and the money the supermarket saves goes into their pockets. Instead of paying a worker for the job, they want me to do it for nothing. It don't add up.

Same with banks, Internet shopping and on and on. I guess one day so many people will be out of work, that business will be left with no customers.

tomsteve

recovery isnt about the days in my life
but the life in my days.

to be of maximum service to God and the people around me.

hpdw

Tomsteve I love that short but profound post .

Thanks

miko67

I'm sure that's what you call a spiritual awakening.
I also had such a feeling one day in early recovery I had just done a yoga class, that I had started as part of my recovery. I was at the train station looking at a big billboard saying why wait in line,.. Get to the front of the queue ... It was a marketing thing for some big world wide company . To me it promoted you are more important than everyone else, why should you wait. Buy this and you'll be VIP. It made me wonder what we are trying to achieve here by being ahead of another. Are we that smug do we really need this ****.
And a lot if our society fall into this trap and aren't looking out for others cos they want to be first in line. Running for the rat race. Spend spend spend.
Maybe the big powers that be , want us all drunk so we can't see what is happening. Coz I never noticed this stuff when I was drinking.

Sohard

I feel this way a lot, but it's not my alcoholic brain. It's who I am, which, I think, is largely why I drank. Sometimes I just feel so 'Aware' that it's heartbreaking. Aware of life's finiteness.