Csan49

Hello,
This is my first time here. My husband has been suffering from addiction for years. Mainly alcohol, but definitely has done other things. About 7 years ago I found out he was doing cocaine. When I found out he was overly sorry and swore up and down he stopped and will never do it again. He continued to struggle with alcohol and at times I would think I was going crazy cause he seemed "different." Mean and verbally abusive. I'd ask if he was doing cocaine and he would just act like I was nuts and say, of course I am not.
He has gotten two DUI's and I Feel like I'm constantly paranoid the monster is going to come out. We actually divorced and got back together. We have 4 children together and he promised he hit rock bottom and things would change. I gave him that chance. Soon after we were officially back together the drinking started again. I always suspected cocaine, but he denied it over and over. The other day I went into his wallet to get $ for my son and I found cocaine. I haven't confronted him about it yet. I'm so sick of the excuses and lies, that I don't even want to hear it. What do I do?

kwinner2

i cant tell you what to do but i can tell you to trust your gut. his "of course not" is meaningless. of course he is. you found the proof. we know our addicts clean and we know them using. we are all too familiar with the monster. do whats best for your kids and you. he is going to do what hes going to do. the only thing you can control is your response to a situation you didnt create. im so sorry. i know its so painful and confusing. find support and find your stength. my take on confronting is its pointless. they deny even when the proof of the truth is right there and it just ended up making me crazy trying to force an admission that wasnt going to come. i gave mine one last ditch "your family or the drugs." you can guess what he choose.

atalose

When you got back together after the divorce, did you re-marry him? I think it’s becoming clear to you that he’s not changed since you divorced him. I really don’t think there are any more words to even say to him, he knows what he is doing so you confronting him isn’t going to change anything except maybe hearing more empty promises, more excuses, more manipulations so that you stay and he keeps the status quo.

It’s obvious he has not hit his rock bottom, losing his wife didn’t last long so there really has been no real consequences for him and his using.

How many more chances are you willing to give him?

hopeful4

I have more than one friend who got back w/their divorced husbands, and remarried them. And divorced them again. A leopard's spots don't often change.

So sorry.

NClarke2017

Csan, I think you deserve better than lies and verbal abuse.. And as it turns out your gut instinct was right all along. Abusers often gaslight, which makes the one being abused think they are going crazy or imagining the abuse. For the sake of your children you do not deserve it. Perhaps you leaving him - once and for all, with no intention of coming back - will be the wakeup call he needs to be a better father. You can be a friend to him but nothing more. I am afraid his constant lies shows he does not respect you.

Please write back an update soon, will keep you in my thoughts. <3

totfit

I certainly can't tell you what to do. I will say that as long as the drinking continued you were not waiting for the "monster to come out" as it had really never left. While drinking is legal, for me anything else I did was just an "afterthought". Drinking was my issue. I think your decision would be whether or not you can live with this or not. That is what it boils down to. The odds are not good that he will ever change. The odd are nil if he is not actually trying to change.

OpheliaKatz

I agree with this. The constant lying shows he does not respect you. Respect and trust are givens in any relationship. If you don't have that, you just don't have a relationship. I'm sorry. He never hit his bottom.

maia1234

Instead of waiting for him to hit rock bottom, Maybe this will be your rock bottom.

Move on in your life, he is an addict and his next fix, will always come before wife, and kids. You have done this before, you know the routine. This time, no more chances, you all deserve better then an addict. Hugs!!

NClarke2017

Sending you my love and been checking the post again to see if you have updated.. I'm sorry for the "tough love" as I do get worried or concerned if I sound harsh or anything, it is not my intention to dampen anyone or put them down, but rather.. sometimes you need to tell it like it is, yanno?! Like I KNOW you deserve better! Hope you can see it too! <3