Am I running out of rope...?
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 6
Am I running out of rope...?
My AH has now been signed off from work with depression/stress for 8 weeks. He is investing in his own therapist (had the first session last week) and is being supported officially by a mental health team - although cuts to that service mean the wait for formal treatment and review there is necessarily long.
However, he is averaging about four to six cans of cider a night. There are no days off. This worries me, as I fear it is cancelling out any effect that his antidepressant medication might otherwise be having, and that his underlying issues won't be addressed in any meaningful sense until he recommits to stopping. He has acknowledged in passing that it needs to stop, but it is almost as an afterthought. I think he has convinced himself that because he has swapped spirits for a less strong drink, that his drinking is somehow "controlled".
I'm now making inquiries with individual counsellors, including through my employers' assistance program, as I am feeling increasingly jaded about the prospects for this turning out well or changing for the better anytime soon. Although I'm not being physically or psychologically abused per se, he qualifies his acknowledged need to stop with a declaration that he'll be miserable and impossible to live with once he resumes abstinence. This feels to me like an impossible binary choice.
In one breath he's congratulating himself from sparing me from the worst effects of his depressed state, and in another he's censoring himself when communicating with his immediate family and closest friends. He has chosen not to disclose being signed off work to any of them, so I feel as if I have a front-row seat, with the pressure, ironically, increased on me. I have often thought of jumping on a train, sitting my parents down and telling them the entire story of his addictions from day one ...but then I stop myself, because several of my instincts remain to protect him (and his desire not to be judged, gossiped about, and so on).
He is actively resisting going back to AA, because of statements in the Big Book and from other service users there that any difficulties with the Twelve Step approach working are due to the individuals concerned being flawed and lacking humility. I tentatively suggested that disagreeing with parts of the Big Book or other meeting attendees might go with the territory, and that what mattered fundamentally was the ritual of the meetings as something that shores up abstinence...this didn't go down well at all. He recently raised this issue on a forum he frequents, and apparently the responses he received were largely along the lines of "Show humility, suck it up..."
I was challenged on here, in response to one of my previous posts, to clarify what was going to be different now that he'd relapsed. I feel like I'm struggling to answer that question in ways that don't involve a nuclear option, i.e. an ultimatum that ends in a trial separation if there's no progress. In any other scenario, I might feel as if this were an unfolding midlife crisis with a need for better communication between the two spouses. For example, he has an unfulfilled desire for a child or a dog - somebody to "take care of", essentially. (We're a same-sex couple, and he refuses to consider adopting, so the first is arguably a moot point). He also states that he "wants help with driving" - I passed my test in my early 30s and am very nervous and not wholly competent on motorways, narrow countryside roads etc. But any instinct I might otherwise have for compromise comes up against a brick wall: the cumulative effect of everything I've had to live with and observe in him up to now.
I go back and forth between wondering whether I'm being manipulated or whether I'm one of the contributory factors. My own job, while nowhere near as stressful as his, is still a Monday-Friday 9-5 that requires me to "present", and it feels as if his disease has no respect for that. There have been flashpoints between us in recent weeks which have occurred at the least helpful times; on weeknights, Sunday evenings, after the lights are turned out, and it's now not uncommon for me to be losing sleep.
I'm getting more anxious that, pretty soon, even though our material needs are being met comfortably and I'm not in any physical danger, I won't be able to say honestly that if I applied a "quality of life" test to this situation, that it would pass.
Thank you to anyone who has read this to the end, and for listening.
However, he is averaging about four to six cans of cider a night. There are no days off. This worries me, as I fear it is cancelling out any effect that his antidepressant medication might otherwise be having, and that his underlying issues won't be addressed in any meaningful sense until he recommits to stopping. He has acknowledged in passing that it needs to stop, but it is almost as an afterthought. I think he has convinced himself that because he has swapped spirits for a less strong drink, that his drinking is somehow "controlled".
I'm now making inquiries with individual counsellors, including through my employers' assistance program, as I am feeling increasingly jaded about the prospects for this turning out well or changing for the better anytime soon. Although I'm not being physically or psychologically abused per se, he qualifies his acknowledged need to stop with a declaration that he'll be miserable and impossible to live with once he resumes abstinence. This feels to me like an impossible binary choice.
In one breath he's congratulating himself from sparing me from the worst effects of his depressed state, and in another he's censoring himself when communicating with his immediate family and closest friends. He has chosen not to disclose being signed off work to any of them, so I feel as if I have a front-row seat, with the pressure, ironically, increased on me. I have often thought of jumping on a train, sitting my parents down and telling them the entire story of his addictions from day one ...but then I stop myself, because several of my instincts remain to protect him (and his desire not to be judged, gossiped about, and so on).
He is actively resisting going back to AA, because of statements in the Big Book and from other service users there that any difficulties with the Twelve Step approach working are due to the individuals concerned being flawed and lacking humility. I tentatively suggested that disagreeing with parts of the Big Book or other meeting attendees might go with the territory, and that what mattered fundamentally was the ritual of the meetings as something that shores up abstinence...this didn't go down well at all. He recently raised this issue on a forum he frequents, and apparently the responses he received were largely along the lines of "Show humility, suck it up..."
I was challenged on here, in response to one of my previous posts, to clarify what was going to be different now that he'd relapsed. I feel like I'm struggling to answer that question in ways that don't involve a nuclear option, i.e. an ultimatum that ends in a trial separation if there's no progress. In any other scenario, I might feel as if this were an unfolding midlife crisis with a need for better communication between the two spouses. For example, he has an unfulfilled desire for a child or a dog - somebody to "take care of", essentially. (We're a same-sex couple, and he refuses to consider adopting, so the first is arguably a moot point). He also states that he "wants help with driving" - I passed my test in my early 30s and am very nervous and not wholly competent on motorways, narrow countryside roads etc. But any instinct I might otherwise have for compromise comes up against a brick wall: the cumulative effect of everything I've had to live with and observe in him up to now.
I go back and forth between wondering whether I'm being manipulated or whether I'm one of the contributory factors. My own job, while nowhere near as stressful as his, is still a Monday-Friday 9-5 that requires me to "present", and it feels as if his disease has no respect for that. There have been flashpoints between us in recent weeks which have occurred at the least helpful times; on weeknights, Sunday evenings, after the lights are turned out, and it's now not uncommon for me to be losing sleep.
I'm getting more anxious that, pretty soon, even though our material needs are being met comfortably and I'm not in any physical danger, I won't be able to say honestly that if I applied a "quality of life" test to this situation, that it would pass.
Thank you to anyone who has read this to the end, and for listening.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Sending you a hug.
Sometimes we just have to let things unfold while getting support for ourselves as individuals. “More will be revealed” is a cliche but it’s also true.
Do your best to take care of you, including time with outside activities and friends. He may become more and more isolated in these circumstances and it would be easy to fall into that pattern. But a little distance can bring a lot of perspective.
Sending you strength and clarity.
Sometimes we just have to let things unfold while getting support for ourselves as individuals. “More will be revealed” is a cliche but it’s also true.
Do your best to take care of you, including time with outside activities and friends. He may become more and more isolated in these circumstances and it would be easy to fall into that pattern. But a little distance can bring a lot of perspective.
Sending you strength and clarity.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 55
Hey Quarry
You are right about alcohol and antidepressants - that is just not smart. Alcohol, when you get right down to it, is a depressant: it disturbs your natural ability to produce dopamine and serotonine.
He will be much more miserable to live with if he keeps giving his own brain a jolt every night with his cider, and then feels down all day when the effect wears off and the aftereffects kick in.
I guess if I were in your shoes I would hope that I would try to stick to my guns: Do not enable, tell him you think what he is doing is bloody stupid, and then detach in as graceful a way as you can manage, and do something good, something nice and life-affirming, for yourself. Don't get sucked into the crazy.
You are right about alcohol and antidepressants - that is just not smart. Alcohol, when you get right down to it, is a depressant: it disturbs your natural ability to produce dopamine and serotonine.
He will be much more miserable to live with if he keeps giving his own brain a jolt every night with his cider, and then feels down all day when the effect wears off and the aftereffects kick in.
I guess if I were in your shoes I would hope that I would try to stick to my guns: Do not enable, tell him you think what he is doing is bloody stupid, and then detach in as graceful a way as you can manage, and do something good, something nice and life-affirming, for yourself. Don't get sucked into the crazy.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Ur,
Glad you posted. I hope you will read all over this forum and educate yourself about what you are up against. It is so much more powerful then us codies, especially when it is not our fight to fight. We learn on the f&f forum, how to protect ourselves as we watch our loved once sink lower and lower into their addiction. We are powerless and that word is truly a hard thing to accept, especially us enablers who need to always help our addicts.
Do you have any alanon or open aa meetings you can attend. I know you sought out counseling at your work for advice about him, why don't you look into it for you. ( please whatever you do, do not bring in a child to "make" everything better)
It's the hardest thing you can do, by watching someone you love, slowly kill themselves in addiction. I stuck around in my relationship for 34 years, waiting for him to seek help. I am almost 3 years post divorce and he is still knee deep in his addiction, but I no longer have a front row seat. It doesn't mean I didn't love him or in a way still do, I just needed to put on my oxygen mask first, just like on an airplane. Save yourself.
Hang in there, get some help and support for you. Maybe your changes will change him, you never know. Hugs, we do understand and we can help support you, if you need us, just keep posting and reating on this forum.
Glad you posted. I hope you will read all over this forum and educate yourself about what you are up against. It is so much more powerful then us codies, especially when it is not our fight to fight. We learn on the f&f forum, how to protect ourselves as we watch our loved once sink lower and lower into their addiction. We are powerless and that word is truly a hard thing to accept, especially us enablers who need to always help our addicts.
Do you have any alanon or open aa meetings you can attend. I know you sought out counseling at your work for advice about him, why don't you look into it for you. ( please whatever you do, do not bring in a child to "make" everything better)
It's the hardest thing you can do, by watching someone you love, slowly kill themselves in addiction. I stuck around in my relationship for 34 years, waiting for him to seek help. I am almost 3 years post divorce and he is still knee deep in his addiction, but I no longer have a front row seat. It doesn't mean I didn't love him or in a way still do, I just needed to put on my oxygen mask first, just like on an airplane. Save yourself.
Hang in there, get some help and support for you. Maybe your changes will change him, you never know. Hugs, we do understand and we can help support you, if you need us, just keep posting and reating on this forum.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,432
He can't drink and be in recovery at the same time.
I've been on both sides of this, as drinker and partner,
and I encourage to take care of you, make a plan in case things continue to go South,
which is sounds like they might, as work is often the thing
that kept me "in check" with my drinking, and having 8 weeks off would
have sent me spiraling downwards with increasing velocity.
Not saying it will with him, but a few therapy sessions really won't offset
all that free time.
Maybe consider telling him you will be taking a more formal "step back" if he
isn't actively choosing recovery--whatever that looks like to you.
Sending you a hug. It isn't easy to watch this when you care for someone deeply
I've been on both sides of this, as drinker and partner,
and I encourage to take care of you, make a plan in case things continue to go South,
which is sounds like they might, as work is often the thing
that kept me "in check" with my drinking, and having 8 weeks off would
have sent me spiraling downwards with increasing velocity.
Not saying it will with him, but a few therapy sessions really won't offset
all that free time.
Maybe consider telling him you will be taking a more formal "step back" if he
isn't actively choosing recovery--whatever that looks like to you.
Sending you a hug. It isn't easy to watch this when you care for someone deeply
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