Tired of life... post separation from A.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Tired of life... post separation from A.
This is going to sound illogical, but I wish I had not tried to suggest rehab to my AH after he had his near-death experience. I wish I had not tried to protect myself when he became violent (and maybe he would not have become violent if I had not suggested rehab). I wish I had not tried to tell people about his addiction and his violent behavior afterwards. Because I have to manage my PTSD now and 99.99% of the people I know are not understanding. I've been told to move on. I've been told that I've already talked about what had happened, and why should I have to talk about it anymore? I've been told, "well, we're choosing to believe you, when we could easily believe him, so what do you want anyway?" And "YOU say he's a drug addict and I only know what you tell me." And "If I talk to you, I will have to stop talking to him about you, and I feel like I need to support him, so I can't talk to you ever again." I've had to struggle with the addict's lies for years -- I used to say, "he keeps lying to me" and people would say, "don't say that about him". WHY? It's f-ing true. I give up. I don't think I'm ever going to trust anyone again, honestly. I'm never going to have another relationship, or friendship (friends don't want to hear you talk about your separation -- much). If I ever end up in a situation again where I have to call someone to save me from a manipulative drug-crazed maniac, I won't bother. I've been so depressed lately, I've given most of my life to someone (and trusted them) who just took and took everything -- my money, my youth, everything. Every damn thing. I just think that life would be better if I didn't have to live it. I am really FED UP.
Also codie me feels guilt because he's been running around saying it's my fault he's an addict because I didn't make him happy enough. And I resent that. I resent that my qualifier can still make me feel guilt. (In case you're wondering, I am seeing a therapist, who knows nothing of addiction). I can't go to Naranon meetings because of time conflicts. I don't want to start with a new therapist. I don't want to have to tell the story all over again. I'm tired.
Also codie me feels guilt because he's been running around saying it's my fault he's an addict because I didn't make him happy enough. And I resent that. I resent that my qualifier can still make me feel guilt. (In case you're wondering, I am seeing a therapist, who knows nothing of addiction). I can't go to Naranon meetings because of time conflicts. I don't want to start with a new therapist. I don't want to have to tell the story all over again. I'm tired.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Dear Ophelia, 
I am so sorry you are hurting...I understand how tired you feel. Some days there just isn't any fight. On those days, I just try to take care of my basic needs. Food, water, rest, shower...that's it.
Although my ex was not an active addict during our marriage, he was emotionally and verbally abusive through the divorce (he had an affair and filed). I lost friends, too. His mother could not believe what I said, and our relationship was at an end for a while, too. Your true friends will still be there for you. I think I speak for quite a few people here...please keep coming here and ventilating all you need. PTSD and grief have no time limits.
I am glad you are seeing a therapist even if that person is not experienced in the realm of addiction. You deserve the face-to-face support.
I hope tomorrow dawns a bit brighter for you!!
I am so sorry you are hurting...I understand how tired you feel. Some days there just isn't any fight. On those days, I just try to take care of my basic needs. Food, water, rest, shower...that's it.
Although my ex was not an active addict during our marriage, he was emotionally and verbally abusive through the divorce (he had an affair and filed). I lost friends, too. His mother could not believe what I said, and our relationship was at an end for a while, too. Your true friends will still be there for you. I think I speak for quite a few people here...please keep coming here and ventilating all you need. PTSD and grief have no time limits.
I am glad you are seeing a therapist even if that person is not experienced in the realm of addiction. You deserve the face-to-face support.
I hope tomorrow dawns a bit brighter for you!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 980
I read a lot on this F&F of substance abusers forum. I pretty much for a long period of time have read damn near everything written. I read other SR forums but not as much.
I have read a lot of what you have written Ophelia. I saw a big change for the better take place in your writing. You have definitely made progress.
But maybe like me you need to give this time possibly a lot of time to heal. My life went completely in the toilet over my relationship with my addict. I would have thanked anyone to just flush & send me on my way. I lost interest in pretty much everything (except her).
But Ophelia Katz I know clearly this cant be the end of my life. I know (as should you) there is a better life waiting. We have to heal & then give that life a chance to happen. This healing process is very painful. We are going to have bad days sometimes very bad days.
As I read your posts Ophelia I see hurting people thank you for your words. Ive seen it many times. Every though this all may just suck for you now (as it does with me) you are helping others!
Please try to stay calm. When we get through these very bad days on our own (with out therapists or group meetings) it teaches us how to deal with it & at least for me some amount of confidence that I am going to be ok.
I am going outside for some fresh air & trim some bushes in the yard. Fresh air always helps me to feel a bit better.
Take care Ophelia.
I have read a lot of what you have written Ophelia. I saw a big change for the better take place in your writing. You have definitely made progress.
But maybe like me you need to give this time possibly a lot of time to heal. My life went completely in the toilet over my relationship with my addict. I would have thanked anyone to just flush & send me on my way. I lost interest in pretty much everything (except her).
But Ophelia Katz I know clearly this cant be the end of my life. I know (as should you) there is a better life waiting. We have to heal & then give that life a chance to happen. This healing process is very painful. We are going to have bad days sometimes very bad days.
As I read your posts Ophelia I see hurting people thank you for your words. Ive seen it many times. Every though this all may just suck for you now (as it does with me) you are helping others!
Please try to stay calm. When we get through these very bad days on our own (with out therapists or group meetings) it teaches us how to deal with it & at least for me some amount of confidence that I am going to be ok.
I am going outside for some fresh air & trim some bushes in the yard. Fresh air always helps me to feel a bit better.
Take care Ophelia.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
I think I need to limit contact with certain family members. It is terrible to go through this with no one to lean on or confide in. My feelings and needs have always come second to certain people and these people are all I am left with now that I am not busy being distracted cleaning up after the addict's mess. I lived with an active addict who became abusive. This evening I listened to my mother make excuses for a family member who was abusive of me: "LilKatz did not mean that, she really meant blah, blah." I said, "I've been making excuses for a drug addict for a decade so now I don't want to hear what you think LilKatz meant because I only care about her actions, and her actions are selfish. If she really meant what you think she meant she would have acted differently." LilKatz is not an addict but I am seeing more and more of her selfish behavior in STBXAH. I feel like I've spent my entire LIFE being steam-rolled by people whose opinions I care about because I love them (even if they don't act like they deserve it). I am very isolated because of this... and this is not a choice, it bothers me. I am actually a people person. I am a people person with no people.
I have not seen my therapist for three weeks.
I had everything before AH. I worked my a** off and I earned everything I had. Now I have nothing. Before the relationship ended I was mentally in a place where I thought that if we both died (him from an overdose and me from stress), it would be okay. Now I don't have that option. I have to go on living... for what? For nothing. I have so much resentment, sadness, guilt, and rage. I don't know what to do with it.
I've mowed the lawn twice in the past week.
I have not seen my therapist for three weeks.
I had everything before AH. I worked my a** off and I earned everything I had. Now I have nothing. Before the relationship ended I was mentally in a place where I thought that if we both died (him from an overdose and me from stress), it would be okay. Now I don't have that option. I have to go on living... for what? For nothing. I have so much resentment, sadness, guilt, and rage. I don't know what to do with it.
I've mowed the lawn twice in the past week.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 773
Sorry you are hurting. Now sure whether it is comforting - but it is all very typical. My ex mother in law calls me and tells me how wonderful her sons life is now. It does seem unfair that addicts get a fresh start and shed parenting responsibilities, and we get to carry a burden of it all plus PTSD. What helped me is asking a question “Would I want to trade places with him”? The answer is resounding no.
He keeps calling me and telling me about himself, how people like him and etc etc. And how he drank and used because I made him so unhappy. Now he added that he relapsed on purpose in order to blow up our marriage once and for all to his revisionist history.
He also keeps telling me how his sponsor believes that we were wrong for each other. And how he and his sponsor have figured out my issues. I am almost flattered that I am taking up so much time in their AA work lol.
Nothing to do except limit the contact with him. I have a child with my qualifier so have to tune out the BS (some times more successfully than other times)
At the end of the day - I have nothing to prove to anyone. There are so many things to live for - there is a big hole when qualifier is gone - because we are used to being so pre-occupied with them.....I no longer go to the hardware store to get bread - after my mom declared that I failed to inspire my ex therefore he drank - I only converse with her knowing that she is not supportive and completely clueless....find some things you can do for yourself - read a book, go for a walk, do a craft....
Keep on trucking - it gets better
P.S. Running helps me tremendously to even out some of the feelings....
He keeps calling me and telling me about himself, how people like him and etc etc. And how he drank and used because I made him so unhappy. Now he added that he relapsed on purpose in order to blow up our marriage once and for all to his revisionist history.
He also keeps telling me how his sponsor believes that we were wrong for each other. And how he and his sponsor have figured out my issues. I am almost flattered that I am taking up so much time in their AA work lol.
Nothing to do except limit the contact with him. I have a child with my qualifier so have to tune out the BS (some times more successfully than other times)
At the end of the day - I have nothing to prove to anyone. There are so many things to live for - there is a big hole when qualifier is gone - because we are used to being so pre-occupied with them.....I no longer go to the hardware store to get bread - after my mom declared that I failed to inspire my ex therefore he drank - I only converse with her knowing that she is not supportive and completely clueless....find some things you can do for yourself - read a book, go for a walk, do a craft....
Keep on trucking - it gets better
P.S. Running helps me tremendously to even out some of the feelings....
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Originally Posted by sylvie83 
Hey OKatz
Out of interest, why haven't you been to your therapist? Have you not felt able to? Do you feel he/she's not right for you? Did something
Out of interest, why haven't you been to your therapist? Have you not felt able to? Do you feel he/she's not right for you? Did something
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
I know how exhausting and frustrating and overwhelming it feels to have to begin again with another counselor, but I really think it would be so helpful for you if you can find someone who can see your more often.
Perhaps you can have your current counselor recommend someone who specializes in addiction, who has time to meet with you weekly, and who can receive and review the notes from your current counselor prior to your first appointment?
I hope you will consider advocating for your own health...you deserve it!!
Perhaps you can have your current counselor recommend someone who specializes in addiction, who has time to meet with you weekly, and who can receive and review the notes from your current counselor prior to your first appointment?
I hope you will consider advocating for your own health...you deserve it!!
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
OK, when I told my family about my nanny's abuse, I got two reactions. The first: they believed me, but they just didn't want to talk about it. The second: They didn't believe me, and all they wanted to do was talk about how I was wrong.
Even twenty years later, I still have trouble with this, but it gets so much better, and this is from someone who would fantasize about cutting her wrists and seeing the blood seep into the hallway carpet. You can get to the point where you realize that the people that you love may not be able to help you, BUT you can find the strength you need within yourself, you can even find that strength you need from complete strangers. You just have to open yourself to that possibility.
It's not going to land on your doorstep. And yes, you have every right to be pissed off about that. But in the search for strength you will find out how courageous you can be, how you can rise even when you are at your weakest and soar.
I often make the effort to find beauty in something - the steam rising from a coffee cup - the light streaming from a window - and I try to relish that moment before me. It helped me when I was a child and it still helps me now. The smell of dirt. The heat of the sun. I made them into lifelines. It's not because I had any special talent. It was because I didn't have any other choice.
Now I have those moments AND therapy - any tool you can add to your toolbox helps loads.
Even twenty years later, I still have trouble with this, but it gets so much better, and this is from someone who would fantasize about cutting her wrists and seeing the blood seep into the hallway carpet. You can get to the point where you realize that the people that you love may not be able to help you, BUT you can find the strength you need within yourself, you can even find that strength you need from complete strangers. You just have to open yourself to that possibility.
It's not going to land on your doorstep. And yes, you have every right to be pissed off about that. But in the search for strength you will find out how courageous you can be, how you can rise even when you are at your weakest and soar.
I often make the effort to find beauty in something - the steam rising from a coffee cup - the light streaming from a window - and I try to relish that moment before me. It helped me when I was a child and it still helps me now. The smell of dirt. The heat of the sun. I made them into lifelines. It's not because I had any special talent. It was because I didn't have any other choice.
Now I have those moments AND therapy - any tool you can add to your toolbox helps loads.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 72
I'm sorry to know what you are going through. That sounds horrible, to not have someone just plain listen to how you are feeling, especially when you have to vent. I think you should come and pour your heart out here more often, and you will get a lot of overwhelming support.
I think people who experienced similar things are the most empathizing, and I have found this forum to be the MOST empathizing. Everyone here seems to have similar stories and yet different variations. I have told others about my story and I have been shot down for being stupid or silly for going near the situation in the first place. When I posted here, I thought I would be slapped for being a silly girl but no I got overwhelming amounts of support. And my story isn't even that bad, I actually feel embarrassed posting my story now.
Sending giant supportive big hugs to you and don't ever feel held back into venting your frustrations or feelings on this forum. I think you should take it by the day and focus on how you are feeling. Sometimes crying does help, and writing, and doing something that you enjoy. Even if its doing mindless projects just to keep the negative thoughts at bay, please do it. I think the initial stages of grief are the worst, but I promise it will get better. I noticed when people are depressed, taking those days just for yourself and having space from the craziness does help a lot. Do things for yourself and only yourself. I hope that every day for you gets better from this point on.
We are here for you *hugs*
I think people who experienced similar things are the most empathizing, and I have found this forum to be the MOST empathizing. Everyone here seems to have similar stories and yet different variations. I have told others about my story and I have been shot down for being stupid or silly for going near the situation in the first place. When I posted here, I thought I would be slapped for being a silly girl but no I got overwhelming amounts of support. And my story isn't even that bad, I actually feel embarrassed posting my story now.
Sending giant supportive big hugs to you and don't ever feel held back into venting your frustrations or feelings on this forum. I think you should take it by the day and focus on how you are feeling. Sometimes crying does help, and writing, and doing something that you enjoy. Even if its doing mindless projects just to keep the negative thoughts at bay, please do it. I think the initial stages of grief are the worst, but I promise it will get better. I noticed when people are depressed, taking those days just for yourself and having space from the craziness does help a lot. Do things for yourself and only yourself. I hope that every day for you gets better from this point on.
We are here for you *hugs*
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 65
You definitely sound like you need a new support system IRL. Sometimes I think family can be the worst source.
Keep venting that anger--I find that helpful for me to get it all out so I can move forward. Maybe even write him a long letter that you never send to him...just to tell him what he and his addiction has done to you.
(((HUGS))))
Keep venting that anger--I find that helpful for me to get it all out so I can move forward. Maybe even write him a long letter that you never send to him...just to tell him what he and his addiction has done to you.
(((HUGS))))
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 88
Hi Ophelia
Sorry to hear your frustration. I have been there.
You muster up the courage (big step) to talk to the nearest and dearest about something so hard for you to deal with and they the response is indifference or frustration.
I was told that they would talk to me but all my talk about is about xa and asked me to have a conversation without mentioning xa. You know what, after many years of resentment to them - they were right!
He is all I worried about. I was always miserable and stressed and when I was around them I just brought up the very person causing it. Did I ever take action - no - did I always just complain and live the cycle over and over - yes. They were frustrated with me. I had blinders on.
Another thing is I put myself in their shoes. If someone came to me about the same unhappy subject how many times would I listen? How many times would I give unused advice before not even trying anymore? We are all human.
You mentioned going to your family but you don't have a healthy relationship with them. People with their own issues cannot guide someone else to better. They only know what they know. They are stuck in their own dysfunction.
Please take active steps to work on your mental and emotional state. There seems to be underlying issues besides the split. To my knowledge this could be stemming from past trauma of some kind. Physical, mental, emotional, sexual, neglect etc. Often repressed trauma. Some experience before you met your ex. What has been worked on in therapy? Did you make progress?
I believe in the bigger the hurt the bigger the bandage/dressing.
You mentioned the therapist is busy - I am concerned to see no followup. You need to prioritise your healing. Perhaps someone who is more available?
We all heal differently. Don't be discouraged.
Keep us updated.
Sorry to hear your frustration. I have been there.
You muster up the courage (big step) to talk to the nearest and dearest about something so hard for you to deal with and they the response is indifference or frustration.
I was told that they would talk to me but all my talk about is about xa and asked me to have a conversation without mentioning xa. You know what, after many years of resentment to them - they were right!
He is all I worried about. I was always miserable and stressed and when I was around them I just brought up the very person causing it. Did I ever take action - no - did I always just complain and live the cycle over and over - yes. They were frustrated with me. I had blinders on.
Another thing is I put myself in their shoes. If someone came to me about the same unhappy subject how many times would I listen? How many times would I give unused advice before not even trying anymore? We are all human.
You mentioned going to your family but you don't have a healthy relationship with them. People with their own issues cannot guide someone else to better. They only know what they know. They are stuck in their own dysfunction.
Please take active steps to work on your mental and emotional state. There seems to be underlying issues besides the split. To my knowledge this could be stemming from past trauma of some kind. Physical, mental, emotional, sexual, neglect etc. Often repressed trauma. Some experience before you met your ex. What has been worked on in therapy? Did you make progress?
I believe in the bigger the hurt the bigger the bandage/dressing.
You mentioned the therapist is busy - I am concerned to see no followup. You need to prioritise your healing. Perhaps someone who is more available?
We all heal differently. Don't be discouraged.
Keep us updated.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Girl1101, I've read and responded to your posts and I don't think you should be embarrassed for posting a "not so bad" story. ALL these stories start out "not so bad". That's the problem. You don't get involved if you think that the addict has a serious problem (or if you know anything about addiction empirically -- face it, most people have not experienced even half of what the people on this forum have experienced.) The smart thing is that you've sought out this forum before your story got to the point where the guy was stealing from your bank account or screaming at you and shoving you for money and finding ways to blame you for his choices because g*d forbid he blames himself. I'm not saying *all* people who are addicts end up like this. I am sure there are some that don't (although I don't know them), but that only means that those people are in recovery and take it VERY seriously -- to the extent that they will do anything to prevent themselves from buying drugs/alcohol; like maybe they will strip naked and roll in ketchup so they can't leave the house to buy drugs/alcohol. Addiction is extremely hard to control, though. It's really a life sentence for most people. They do hard time in addict land for life.
I feel bad for my addict, but what am I supposed to do? Jump on his funeral pyre? So personally, I would never EVER want to end up with another addict again. But I am so angry and upset about the whole thing that I probably won't date anyone ever again just out of paranoia... or spite.
When anyone shoots you down for "going near" the situation in the first place, ask them if they have ever seen a house burning with babies inside? Do they run away or do they try to help? I think people who get involved with addicts (who often are manipulative enough to need you in their lives because they can use you -- the case with mine), are actually the people who would roll out the fire hose even if they get singed. When you see an addict looking hungry and they are saying, "help me, oh poor me," you think, "damn, someone should help this guy." It's normal to think that and to help.
But after years and years of helping someone who was never interested in REAL help, I'm angry. I'm sad and angry and tired. I tried to tell people. I said, look this is happening, this guy has this problem, he was violent so I can't deal with it anymore, but you need to get him into rehab because he's going to DIE. It's bad enough that he WILL die because I've seen crazy stuff you won't believe. But everyone I talked to said, well, he says he's fine. Maybe we'll just let him hit rock bottom (as if that guy has a bottom -- his bottom is death, he said so). Maybe you two can get back together. What?! So he can come back and beat me up because I made my boundaries clear? I have nothing left to give him... except that.
So yeah, any time anyone ever says "why did you get involved", ask them if they have seen a house full of burning babies. Or don't. I tried this tact and I was ignored.
I feel bad for my addict, but what am I supposed to do? Jump on his funeral pyre? So personally, I would never EVER want to end up with another addict again. But I am so angry and upset about the whole thing that I probably won't date anyone ever again just out of paranoia... or spite.
When anyone shoots you down for "going near" the situation in the first place, ask them if they have ever seen a house burning with babies inside? Do they run away or do they try to help? I think people who get involved with addicts (who often are manipulative enough to need you in their lives because they can use you -- the case with mine), are actually the people who would roll out the fire hose even if they get singed. When you see an addict looking hungry and they are saying, "help me, oh poor me," you think, "damn, someone should help this guy." It's normal to think that and to help.
But after years and years of helping someone who was never interested in REAL help, I'm angry. I'm sad and angry and tired. I tried to tell people. I said, look this is happening, this guy has this problem, he was violent so I can't deal with it anymore, but you need to get him into rehab because he's going to DIE. It's bad enough that he WILL die because I've seen crazy stuff you won't believe. But everyone I talked to said, well, he says he's fine. Maybe we'll just let him hit rock bottom (as if that guy has a bottom -- his bottom is death, he said so). Maybe you two can get back together. What?! So he can come back and beat me up because I made my boundaries clear? I have nothing left to give him... except that.
So yeah, any time anyone ever says "why did you get involved", ask them if they have seen a house full of burning babies. Or don't. I tried this tact and I was ignored.
Originally Posted by Girl1101
I'm sorry to know what you are going through. That sounds horrible, to not have someone just plain listen to how you are feeling, especially when you have to vent. I think you should come and pour your heart out here more often, and you will get a lot of overwhelming support.
I think people who experienced similar things are the most empathizing, and I have found this forum to be the MOST empathizing. Everyone here seems to have similar stories and yet different variations. I have told others about my story and I have been shot down for being stupid or silly for going near the situation in the first place. When I posted here, I thought I would be slapped for being a silly girl but no I got overwhelming amounts of support. And my story isn't even that bad, I actually feel embarrassed posting my story now.
Sending giant supportive big hugs to you and don't ever feel held back into venting your frustrations or feelings on this forum. I think you should take it by the day and focus on how you are feeling. Sometimes crying does help, and writing, and doing something that you enjoy. Even if its doing mindless projects just to keep the negative thoughts at bay, please do it. I think the initial stages of grief are the worst, but I promise it will get better. I noticed when people are depressed, taking those days just for yourself and having space from the craziness does help a lot. Do things for yourself and only yourself. I hope that every day for you gets better from this point on.
We are here for you *hugs*
I think people who experienced similar things are the most empathizing, and I have found this forum to be the MOST empathizing. Everyone here seems to have similar stories and yet different variations. I have told others about my story and I have been shot down for being stupid or silly for going near the situation in the first place. When I posted here, I thought I would be slapped for being a silly girl but no I got overwhelming amounts of support. And my story isn't even that bad, I actually feel embarrassed posting my story now.
Sending giant supportive big hugs to you and don't ever feel held back into venting your frustrations or feelings on this forum. I think you should take it by the day and focus on how you are feeling. Sometimes crying does help, and writing, and doing something that you enjoy. Even if its doing mindless projects just to keep the negative thoughts at bay, please do it. I think the initial stages of grief are the worst, but I promise it will get better. I noticed when people are depressed, taking those days just for yourself and having space from the craziness does help a lot. Do things for yourself and only yourself. I hope that every day for you gets better from this point on.
We are here for you *hugs*
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
For some reason, I keep forgetting that they are the worst source. It's like I am a glutton for punishment.
Originally Posted by dejavuwife
You definitely sound like you need a new support system IRL. Sometimes I think family can be the worst source.
(((HUGS))))
(((HUGS))))
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Sending you a PM.
Originally Posted by kodi
Hi Ophelia
Sorry to hear your frustration. I have been there.
You muster up the courage (big step) to talk to the nearest and dearest about something so hard for you to deal with and they the response is indifference or frustration.
I was told that they would talk to me but all my talk about is about xa and asked me to have a conversation without mentioning xa. You know what, after many years of resentment to them - they were right!
He is all I worried about. I was always miserable and stressed and when I was around them I just brought up the very person causing it. Did I ever take action - no - did I always just complain and live the cycle over and over - yes. They were frustrated with me. I had blinders on.
Another thing is I put myself in their shoes. If someone came to me about the same unhappy subject how many times would I listen? How many times would I give unused advice before not even trying anymore? We are all human.
You mentioned going to your family but you don't have a healthy relationship with them. People with their own issues cannot guide someone else to better. They only know what they know. They are stuck in their own dysfunction.
Please take active steps to work on your mental and emotional state. There seems to be underlying issues besides the split. To my knowledge this could be stemming from past trauma of some kind. Physical, mental, emotional, sexual, neglect etc. Often repressed trauma. Some experience before you met your ex. What has been worked on in therapy? Did you make progress?
I believe in the bigger the hurt the bigger the bandage/dressing.
You mentioned the therapist is busy - I am concerned to see no followup. You need to prioritise your healing. Perhaps someone who is more available?
We all heal differently. Don't be discouraged.
Keep us updated.
Sorry to hear your frustration. I have been there.
You muster up the courage (big step) to talk to the nearest and dearest about something so hard for you to deal with and they the response is indifference or frustration.
I was told that they would talk to me but all my talk about is about xa and asked me to have a conversation without mentioning xa. You know what, after many years of resentment to them - they were right!
He is all I worried about. I was always miserable and stressed and when I was around them I just brought up the very person causing it. Did I ever take action - no - did I always just complain and live the cycle over and over - yes. They were frustrated with me. I had blinders on.
Another thing is I put myself in their shoes. If someone came to me about the same unhappy subject how many times would I listen? How many times would I give unused advice before not even trying anymore? We are all human.
You mentioned going to your family but you don't have a healthy relationship with them. People with their own issues cannot guide someone else to better. They only know what they know. They are stuck in their own dysfunction.
Please take active steps to work on your mental and emotional state. There seems to be underlying issues besides the split. To my knowledge this could be stemming from past trauma of some kind. Physical, mental, emotional, sexual, neglect etc. Often repressed trauma. Some experience before you met your ex. What has been worked on in therapy? Did you make progress?
I believe in the bigger the hurt the bigger the bandage/dressing.
You mentioned the therapist is busy - I am concerned to see no followup. You need to prioritise your healing. Perhaps someone who is more available?
We all heal differently. Don't be discouraged.
Keep us updated.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I broke away from all mutual friends and also my XAH's family when we split. It was very hard. However, I now have my own friends, and I have people who are there for me and my children no matter what.
This is very fresh for you. Get a therapist who is good for you, and who can lead you through this difficult time. Dump people who make you feel bad as it's just not worth it. Understand he is going to say what he is going to say. I know of very few addicts who don't blame everyone else for their issues. They may be able to convince others in the short term, but long term, they show their true colors.
Big hugs friend.
This is very fresh for you. Get a therapist who is good for you, and who can lead you through this difficult time. Dump people who make you feel bad as it's just not worth it. Understand he is going to say what he is going to say. I know of very few addicts who don't blame everyone else for their issues. They may be able to convince others in the short term, but long term, they show their true colors.
Big hugs friend.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Here's an update. I am not sure if it's supposed to be it's own post, but here it is. I saw my A in court today. I got a 2-year restraining order. Apparently since we split months ago, he has been sober for almost two weeks. Well... who knows if he is sober, he said he was not using what we had said he was using... for almost two weeks. In court, he was congratulated for this. He looked well. Healthier. He looked... almost beautiful. Yeah I know, most people who know me say, that guy is not beautiful Okatz, that guy was never beautiful. My eyeballs don't see him, my eyeballs see love. Initially when I saw him looking like this, I was filled with happiness, then I got the restraining order and was filled with sadness because I would not be able to share my life with a sober, happy, healthy him. I am unlikely to see him again. I went home and cried and then I remembered all the times people on SR said that their qualifier was sober for 1 week, 2 weeks, 6 months, and had a relapse, or they kept sober (sort of) and acted like dry drunks. In court, he still insisted that he was not responsible for anything that had happened, he disagreed with everything that I had reported. He was never abusive. He was never violent. He was only slightly impolite... etc. Why do some people think abuse is only if you punch someone directly in the face? Yet I feel as if I am the one who abandoned him when he needed me most. Sadly he needed me most, needed my support most, when he had become psychotic, violent. But it's not as if I'm totally crazy. Of course, I can't be there.
I'm really torn between the feeling that I can finally breathe (is it too soon for this?) and I have just lost the love of my life, who coincidentally was also an a**h*le. I guess I will never know. I also fear the lack of closeness to anyone, because I had that for so long: we lived in each other's pockets.
Has anyone seen the movie "Castaway"? At the end of the movie, Tom Hanks is rescued and comes home. He goes to visit his ex-fiancee, who has married someone else. He wants her to go away with him, but she can't because she has kids and she loves her husband even though she also loves him. In the last scene, Tom is delivering the last FedEx parcel that washed up on shore when he was on the island. The movie ends with him driving out to a crossroads, and getting out of the car. The camera pulls back as you see him looking in various directions, alone. I sort of feel like this. I've lost my Wilson and I've also lost my Helen Hunt.
I'm really torn between the feeling that I can finally breathe (is it too soon for this?) and I have just lost the love of my life, who coincidentally was also an a**h*le. I guess I will never know. I also fear the lack of closeness to anyone, because I had that for so long: we lived in each other's pockets.
Has anyone seen the movie "Castaway"? At the end of the movie, Tom Hanks is rescued and comes home. He goes to visit his ex-fiancee, who has married someone else. He wants her to go away with him, but she can't because she has kids and she loves her husband even though she also loves him. In the last scene, Tom is delivering the last FedEx parcel that washed up on shore when he was on the island. The movie ends with him driving out to a crossroads, and getting out of the car. The camera pulls back as you see him looking in various directions, alone. I sort of feel like this. I've lost my Wilson and I've also lost my Helen Hunt.
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 53
Originally Posted by Nata1980
Sorry you are hurting. Now sure whether it is comforting - but it is all very typical. My ex mother in law calls me and tells me how wonderful her sons life is now. It does seem unfair that addicts get a fresh start and shed parenting responsibilities, and we get to carry a burden of it all plus PTSD. What helped me is asking a question “Would I want to trade places with him”? The answer is resounding no.
He keeps calling me and telling me about himself, how people like him and etc etc. And how he drank and used because I made him so unhappy. Now he added that he relapsed on purpose in order to blow up our marriage once and for all to his revisionist history.
He also keeps telling me how his sponsor believes that we were wrong for each other. And how he and his sponsor have figured out my issues. I am almost flattered that I am taking up so much time in their AA work lol.
Nothing to do except limit the contact with him. I have a child with my qualifier so have to tune out the BS (some times more successfully than other times)
At the end of the day - I have nothing to prove to anyone. There are so many things to live for - there is a big hole when qualifier is gone - because we are used to being so pre-occupied with them.....I no longer go to the hardware store to get bread - after my mom declared that I failed to inspire my ex therefore he drank - I only converse with her knowing that she is not supportive and completely clueless....find some things you can do for yourself - read a book, go for a walk, do a craft....
Keep on trucking - it gets better
P.S. Running helps me tremendously to even out some of the feelings....
He keeps calling me and telling me about himself, how people like him and etc etc. And how he drank and used because I made him so unhappy. Now he added that he relapsed on purpose in order to blow up our marriage once and for all to his revisionist history.
He also keeps telling me how his sponsor believes that we were wrong for each other. And how he and his sponsor have figured out my issues. I am almost flattered that I am taking up so much time in their AA work lol.
Nothing to do except limit the contact with him. I have a child with my qualifier so have to tune out the BS (some times more successfully than other times)
At the end of the day - I have nothing to prove to anyone. There are so many things to live for - there is a big hole when qualifier is gone - because we are used to being so pre-occupied with them.....I no longer go to the hardware store to get bread - after my mom declared that I failed to inspire my ex therefore he drank - I only converse with her knowing that she is not supportive and completely clueless....find some things you can do for yourself - read a book, go for a walk, do a craft....
Keep on trucking - it gets better
P.S. Running helps me tremendously to even out some of the feelings....
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Of course he is going to try to look his best in court. And of course he is not going to come in and say he is anything except clean! You don't know that, and it does not matter.
Friend, give this time. I know you are hurting, and I know you are sad. However, this is the best thing for you. Once you grieve this, as it's a process, you will be ready to move forward. Get spiritually and emotionally healthy so the next person you move forward with deserves your wonderful self!!!!
Big hugs friend!
Friend, give this time. I know you are hurting, and I know you are sad. However, this is the best thing for you. Once you grieve this, as it's a process, you will be ready to move forward. Get spiritually and emotionally healthy so the next person you move forward with deserves your wonderful self!!!!
Big hugs friend!
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
I wonder if our exes even wanted us to share happy times with them. I mean, perhaps my exA just hated me enough to do the things he did, because he hated that I loved him. I also know that when I was with my ex, I stupidly did everything in my power to make sure he wasn't humiliated by the consequences of his actions. So yeah, people thought he was doing really well. I guess the only reason some of them believed me when I said he had a problem and I needed them to help, because I couldn't anymore, is because some of them knew he had been/was an alcoholic before he met me... and it was believable that he would relapse onto some other drug.
So now I think, it's likely that he's got a woman helping him to be "normal" and "happy". Maybe. Maybe not. Who knows. I know nothing about him. He probably doesn't either. Or maybe he does.
One minute I'm sad, the next minute I'm angry. Sad. Angry. Sad. Angry.
So now I think, it's likely that he's got a woman helping him to be "normal" and "happy". Maybe. Maybe not. Who knows. I know nothing about him. He probably doesn't either. Or maybe he does.
One minute I'm sad, the next minute I'm angry. Sad. Angry. Sad. Angry.
Originally Posted by SadEx
This post helped me a lot. I keep hearing how well my ex is doing meanwhile I am left traumatised by how badly he used/treated me along the way. I mean I want him to be well and happy. It is just a shame I did not get to share this happy time with him.
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