SadEx

I was with my boyfriend for 4 years. He had hid his addiction past from me when we first met. By the time I found out I was in love. It soon became apparent he was abusing over the counter medication. He would disappear for weeks at a time. He went to rehab for about 8 mths. We kept in regular contact and saw each other when we could. When he got out and went into a recovery house I had my own family issues to deal with. He would come to visit and basically have sex. When I started to mention 'our relationship' he would be cagey. Then suddenly he announced he was having coffee with a female friend. When I asked for more details I was suddenly dumped & blocked on everything - Facebook etc. He told me he did not love me anymore. Caught him on a dating site. A week of no contact he was back for more sex. Then repeat. He did not love me. I tried to move on with no contact and then he texted that he did love me after all. He refused to unblock me however and was not wanting to stay over or date. I am now trying to do no contact again but I am finding it very difficult. I was there for him all along and when nobody else was. Now he is feeling better, he has just abandoned me. He is online on a dating site every night but told me he does not want a relationship with me or anybody. Last week he told me he will always love me. Why does he keep doing this? Help. I have nobody else to talk to because none of my friends or families know the truth. Very Sad.

Hechosedrugs

Textbook addict behavior. It's not you, it's him. Read the stickies. Get help for yourself, that's all you can do.

Maudcat

Hi, SadEx.
Welcome to SR.
This is a good place to be, with lots of support.
I don’t know what is going on with your ex.
He could be using again.
Or not, and this person he is showing you is who he is.
Basically, your earlier relationship was with an addicted person, then with a person in rehab, and now a person who blows hot and cold regarding you and the relationship.
How about taking a step back, stop checking social media, and just keep him out of your life right now?
Time and distance will bring clarity.
Peace.

SadEx

Thank you guys for your replies. You see I have nowhere I can get help. Nowhere else really because nobody else knows about his addictions except his own family. But from what I gather he has told them he broke up with me last year (not true)

I am pretty sure he is not using as he goes to regular meetings where he is tested. Although I do know a couple of weeks ago he missed a meeting.

I can't understand why he would throw away a 4 year relationship and instead trawl dating sites. I have taken a step back twice but just as soon as I feel better, he gets in touch. He has said he is F%%ked up in the head but if that is the truth then why is he using dating sites when he could be with me.

Yes I am beginning to wonder if I ever knew the real him. I am so upset right now but I do know I deserve far better. He actually used me when he knew how I felt. Thank you for listening. Thus is the first time I have spoken to anyone about this.

Girl1101

Stay in no contact no matter how painful it is. He may have blocked you and its messing with your head, but just try to stay above it all. Stay in strict no contact. Block him back, just in case he unblocks and tries to find you again.

NeverAgain17

Hey,

I went through the same thing . We were together for 2 years . I had no clue he was doing drugs until after I fell for him (a while into the relationship). We lived together for nearly a year too. Two days after I broke up with him , I found out he was cheating and the girl he cheated on me with is now his gf. Two weeks later he blocked me on FB and is now on FB saying he loves her. 1 week before this he bought matching workout clothes so we can workout together , 3 weeks before this he would tell me I'm the only one for him and there is no one else , 1 month before he was saying he wanted to be with me and two months before we broke up he was telling me he wanted to marry me . After all that he said he doesn't love me , we are not compatible, and I'm too good for him . They will change there minds all the time to the point were your confused. They will lie and manipulate you to make you feel like your important and they have feelings for you . They will make you feel like they actually love you ! Please don't listen to what he says and look at his actions . In a healthy relationship he wouldn't be blocking you on fb or on dating sites . I know it's hard , trust me I know . Even after he did all that to me , I was still confused . Wondering if he actually loved me . I know longer care or wonder that anymore . The truth is they don't care for anyone for there self . I had to learn that and come to terms with it . It's hard I know but trust me you want to have no contact with me . Distance yourself and block him. They tend to change a lot when they are using . My advice is to read the other posts in the forum . The stories you read will help you , it helped me a lot !
Also , I want to add that I kept my issues from my family and friends. I didn't want them to judge him or me , deep down I knew they were going to tell me to leave him . Now that I went through hell , I wish I would have talked to them because they are the voice of reasoning that I needed. They are not cloudy love so there advice are objective.

Stay strong , vent when you need to , ask questions when you need to , read all the stories that you need too. I promise you will get through this !

SadEx

Unfortunately I do love him. When we met he had already been in Rehab. He never told me this. He no doubt hopes to meet someone new & he will also hide his past from them too. So he gets a fresh start & I am left to pick up the pieces.

I am pretty sure he is not using at the moment. While he blocked me he left all my family members & friends on his page. It is like he is still keeping a window open.

All the support & love I gave him when he was really struggling and the minute he is feeling better I am tossed aside. I have not been in contact with him but probably as soon as I am feeling better he will appear. Almost like he does not want me but he does not want anyone else to have me either. How can someone who was so loving turn so cold?

Thanks a million for your replies. If I told anyone in my life what has happened & what he was up to they would think I was crazy for putting up with this. But it is different when you are in the situation.

SadEx

I also wanted to add that while we were together, he was regularly very passive aggressive in that if I upset him he would blank me for several days or weeks at a time.

FeelingGreat

Hi sadex, you love him, but that's not a deal breaker. Forget the addiction thing, and just focus on how he treats you.
He's broken up with you and blocked you, off to the other girl, she wakes up to what he is, so back to you.
He won't leave you alone because he wants you there (clue, those visits for sex) when it suits him. It doesn't take much, he just has to say he still loves you, even if he takes it back later.
He's blocked you because he doesn't want you up with his real life.

It's not important how much support you've given him; we don't stay with someone for gratitude, we stay for love, and hurtful as it is to you, he's not in love with you.

Now if you go non-contact, and stick to it, you might be surprised at how quickly you begin to move away from him, and start getting some clarity about how badly he's treating you. No, it's not easy, but you will be happy again if you can get through those difficult first days.

Expect him to chase you, tell you he loves you etc until you give in, then it will be back to disrespecting you.

SadEx

Thank you.

He said he loves me but is too messed up to show it. Surely if he loved me he would be with me. I feel so sad. The other girl he was not actually with. He just met her for coffee. He said he has not been with anyone else other then me. He said sorry several times for how he treated me but that could just be guilt.

I don't know now if I will ever hear from him again. I keep getting constant reminders of him. I have children who ask where he is. It never occurred to him to at least visit the child he had built up such a great relationship with. He actually lied about the blocking. When I asked him to unblock me he said he had tried but it would not work. The once place he did not block me was a messaging App.

Yes you are all right. I need to see actions not words. He probably is messed up in the head but that does not excuse the horrific way he has treated me.

maia1234

Se,
Hon, you are dealing with an addict, and you are expecting normal, that is just not possible. Look over the last 4 years of your relationship, what has been normal?

He blocks you, then loves you, then blocks you. You are always there for him, to cushion his destruction he has caused. Why? Because you love him? Do you think this might not be a healthy relationship? He is a very sick man, and when he wants you, you are there, when he doesn't want you he throws you away. What does that say for you?

You are worth so much more then that. His behavior is unacceptable. He's an addict and do you really want to spend the rest of your life like that, because you will. I did for 34 years. Its not pretty. You have only been doing it for 4. In my opinion 4 years is nothing, I would run away, block this addict, get some therapy and support groups under your belt, and count your blessings.

There is nothing that you can do for an addict, if he drinks or is sober, nothing. He is a grown man and doesn't need your support, so let him be. You need to figure out why you accept this behavior? Just because we love someone doesn't mean it is a good relationship. A dog accepts abusive behavior by his owner, and still loves his master, this doesn't mean that this is a good relationship. There is no difference here.

I divorced my axh loving him more the day of the divorce then the day I married him. Just because I loved him, doesn't mean that I had to be a part of his circus. We can love them and pray for them from a distance. We have choices in life and one of them is not contributing to their death. I always said that my axh was not going to die on my watch.

Get some help, you will be ok and hopefully he will too. You say you have no support, we are here. Sometimes there is more activity on the f&f of alcoholism forum. Post wherever you get the most support. If you want to reach out to him, post here first. We can talk you through it. You don't need this addict in your life anymore! Just take one day at a time, no contact, then add another day! You can do it, give him to God to watch over, as you are way over your head trying to "help" this addict, let the professionals do it. Hugs

hopeful4

You deserve to be more than a booty call. Work on YOU so that you can see that.

Hugs to you.

SadEx

Until now. I had nobody to talk to about what has happened. I kept setting boundaries about what I was willing to accept but he kept crossing them.

The sad thing is that we were very well suited and always got on well. Even the last time we were together there was a lot of passion from him.

Since he is in recovery now & swears he is not ever going to relapse, does that mean he will still be acting like an addict? Sorry for the stupid questions.

How do I react if he gets back in touch? How do I not fall back into the same old trap? It kills me to think that he will meet someone else and they get the recovered him & treated really well. It is likely he will hide his past from them.

Thank you everybody for each & every reply

hopeful4

I think you should cut contact and just work on you, so that the next person you are with is actually deserving of you. It may be a good time to see a counselor for a bit, I know that helped me immensely through the years.

All addicts swear they will not relapse. Thing is, if you are smart, you won't know if he does or not because you will have moved on. You really do deserve so much more. It hurts now, but if you go no contact and move forward, it will get easier in time.

SadEx

I have cut contact. I blocked him on the chat app. I have cut contact before but he always came back. I asked for my house key back in the post but so far he has not sent it.

I am not sure he will come back this time. He did not delete or block any of my family or friends, only me. I find that very hurtful.

I guess it will take me a while to feel better. The thoughts of him with someone else are greatly upsetting me.

maia1234

Se
You are doing good. Please inform family that you are taking a break from BF and do not want to hear about how good he looks or that he is with another women. Look at the relationship that you have had over the last 4 years. Do you think that he is going to just turn into prince charming, and she will be the princess? Not!! We had an addict post a couple months ago to another poster who was so sad her ex was already engaged....

"My own feeling is that the new relationship your soon to be ex is currently engaged in is doomed. We alcoholics are rarely, if ever, capable of maintaining our end of healthy relationship while in active addiction. We just don't have the capacity for the honesty and self sacrifice involved to be a part of something greater than ourselves. In other words, don't envy her, whoever she is. Pity her. And be grateful your time is at an end."

If you have time go to the new to recovery forum and read all about the addicts trying to get sober. See how they struggle everyday. These are the people who are trying to work a program. They say you can always see an addict who is in recovery, its about growing up, sobering up and working a program. Not just being a dry drunk, same person, no drugs or alcohol.

Keep the no contact. If he tries to stop by and give you the key, don't engage with him. The longer you stay away, time heals wounds. We codies are like addicts, when we engage with them, its like we are taking another drink and have to start on day one again.

You can do this, he is no good for you and you need to move on. Hugs!!

SadEx

The last time I heard from him was Monday. I am feeling very sad tonight. That he could just basically forget about me so quick.

As far as I know he is not with anybody but I guess that could change any day now and I'm dreading that. I will just have to take each day as it comes and try to keep busy.

He suggested a casual relationship and that he was not able for a serious relationship but why should I be downgraded to that after 4 years? Basically he wants the sex without any commitment.

atalose

Exactely!! Why would you allow yourself to be downgraded, humiliated and hurt by this person? This sounds like it was a toxic relationship, not a good healthy one no matter how much you try to justify it was, it really wasn’t.

Be done with him, change your own locks, and do not wait for him to return a key, take control of your own life and stop putting it into the hands of an addict.

Sure, it is going to hurt and it will take you a while to heal from this toxic relationship but just imagine how much more hurt battered and bruised you would get by allowing him back into your life.

maia1234

Se,
It is very common on these forums that our addicts find another "enabler" very quickly after leaving a relationship. I know it is hard to grasp. They need someone to help them facilitate their addiction. I'm sorry.

He hasn't forgot about you, but you are coming between him and his addiction and he is choosing the addiction over you. This again is very common. They can't imagine life with out their drug of choice. Their addiction is normal to them, its like breathing, he just can't live without it. Us codies don't understand this compulsion, so we don't get it.

Of course he wants what he wants, when he wants it. You in the past have always given it to him. Until now. When our pain becomes so great, as we watch our loved ones turn into people we don't even know anymore, we seek support.

What you are going through is technically your "withdrawl" from him. No different then the pain he would feel with drawing from alcohol or meth. This pain exists. You just need to stay strong and not reach out to your "drug of choice - him". Our addiction to him is as bad as his addiction.

Stay strong, don't call him or reach out. Take a walk, a bath, get you nails done, go out to a movie or coffee with a friend. Just stay away from him, just tonight. You can worry about tomorrow, tomorrow. Hugs!!!

Ariesagain

Many addicts try switching addictions. It sounds like he may be using sex as a a new fix...and yes, he’s having sex with other people no matter what he says. Or he’s definitely trying to. You should consider having yourself checked out for STDs. I know it’s really embarrassing but what I said to the clinic was, “I was in a monogamous relationship. Turns out, he wasn’t.”

Don’t let his problems derail you any further, okay? The hurt will pass and you will heal if you don’t keep handing him the knife.

So sorry, sweetie.