Timetoheal12

It's been 2 weeks since I decided to break things off with axbf. I have been doing fine mostly. Sometimes I get sad and miss the good times, and sometimes I get very upset at him for trying to blame me for, basically, standing up for myself. However, it wasn't until today that I realized that my days have been really peaceful, even with those moments that I think are normal because I'm processing the loss...

I did not live with him yet (we were planing on it) and our relationship was already making me feel really stressed. I was trying my best to prioritize our relationship, while the only thing he was truly prioritizing was the alcohol.
I was barely sleeping because I would overthink all the night, about why did he change so much, why was he doing that to himself if he was so intelligent and talented, why was I staying if he started to prioritize the drink more and more, why did he had those sudden mood changes (being nice to me one minute and the other he could be totally blaming me for wanting to be respected, or ignoring me and acting as if he was very mad towards me, saying he"felt like he had to walk on eggshells while around me", when it honestly was the other way around...) And now that we aren't together, I think I'm starting to see verything more clearly: He just couldn't stand that I didn't make him and his needs my full world. And something tells me that even if I had done that, it wouldn't have been enough for him because he seems to be getting worse in his addiction.

I am starting to be able to feel like I can send him love through distance, and wish him well; truly wish that one day, hopefully, he feels the need to recover. But I do not want anything to do with his path anymore.

dejavuwife

It sounds like you made some good decisions for you. I always find it interesting that when we find someone who does a good job relating to us once in a while (when they aren't abusing alcohol), we only remember those good moments in order to hang on. Maybe it is a defense mechanism.

These kind of relationships remind me of a slot machine...very addictive because once in a while, that lever will yield money; just like once in a while, that addict will be the lover we want him/her to be.

Bekindalways

^^^^ So good to hear this Timetoheal. It sounds like you have had a steep learning curve.

There may be some sadness and grieving ahead just know you can get through.