First time post - it's a long one :-)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 1
First time post - it's a long one :-)
Hi There
So here goes...
My husband has never had a good relationship with alcohol. When we first met in our early twenties it was a part of our lives to go out and drink quite heavily, quite often.
I sometimes noticed that when he drank he never quite knew when enough was enough. I turned a blind eye to this.
His siblings at that stage drank everyday to the point of passing out. These are the people he looked up to and yearned for their acceptance. I noticed that whenever he drank, he became very pretentious, annoying and embarrassing. I turned a blind eye to this as well.
When we got married 10 years ago, he made the choice to stop drinking completely because 'I' didn't like him to drink.
A few months later after we had married, I had gone overseas and upon my return found that a few bottles of alcohol that were full when I left, were now empty. When asked, he became defensive and very angry with me. He apologised and after a few days I accepted his apology.
Fast forward two years later, I was pregnant with my first child and severely unwell. One night, instead of bringing me food (as I could drive), he went out for "2 drinks" with mates. He switched his phone off and couldn't be reached. Upon arriving at home, he was so drunk, got in a heated argument with me which resulted in me (7 months pregnant) sleeping on the couch.
He apologised profusely again. I accepted his apology again.
Fast forward 3 years later, I had just had my second child and my mother found a half full bottle of vodka hidden in our garage.
My mother was concerned as she had lived with an alcoholic for 15 years.
He admitted to hiding it, citing stress and apologised again.
On another occasion, he went out for a work BBQ, and promised he would only have a few drinks.
True to form, he had switched off his phone and returned home unrecognisably drunk. He left a trail of vomit and wee on the floor in both ours and the childrens bathrooms. By now our oldest is 4.
The next day when I attempted to talk about it he slammed my head into the kitchen cupboard, yelled, ranted and threatened to kill himself.
AFTER hours of endless crying and apologies - the idiot I am - accepted his apology.
Since then there have been numerous trust issues as I don't believe I can trust anything he says. We continue to see a counsellor, however, I know he is not being totally honest, blames me for comparing him to my father and plays the pity card. I resent him for that.
In these sessions, I agreed to stop purposely watching how much he drinks and to stop passing comments and nagging.
In turn he promised to stick to two bottles over the weekend and to not mix his drinks. He was insistent that he doesn't 'really' drink on weekdays bar the odd beer or wine.
When he drank, he'd often drink wine/ beers then follow with whisky. He's be so monumentally drunk that it would be painful to watch.
Though he believes he is absolutely fine and can manage his liquor.
Anyway, suffice to say, he has not held up his end of the deal. He will agree to a plan the just go ahead and do what he wants anyway. He will then make a point of ignoring me or rolling his eyes when I try to get his attention. He will also get out his phone and make notes to share with the therapist when we next see her - as if I was behaving erratically. Such passive aggressive behaviour. He does this when friends are around - as recent as last weekend.
If it was just the two of us, he'd be yelling, swearing, punching walls etc.so sometimes I think it safer to have people around.
See , I thought that he was only drinking occasionally (on weekends, special occassions and when we have friend over), however this morning I received a rude awakening.
My kids were playing in my walk in robe and my oldest (now 9), hold up 2 bottles of wine (one empty) and asks me why there's wine in the wardrobe?
I immediately wanted to vomit. I couldn't believe that he's been hiding alcohol again.
He's at work, so I rung him. He didn't deny it. He said that since spending 4 weeks with his siblings last year (He had to go overseas as his mum wasn't well), he had come with a greater urge to drink more and has been hiding alcohol.
This means he has also been lying to our therapist.
His initial response was silence. He then aplogised asked how it was found. By now apologies come so easy to him. To me, they are empty words.
Apologising again and saying that he will no longer drink unless we are with friends or special occasions. He says he was expecting this to happen and he deserves any repercussions.
He then says it was a stupid thing to do and he has no excuses.
He further says that he does believe he has a drinking problem but not alcoholism, however, he believes he would be one if he drank every day.
I'm so hurt, angry, lost, disappointed and sad at the same time. I dont know where to go from here or what to do.
I've told him that he needs to get help as our marriage is in really jeopardy and our children need a good male role model in their lives and that is not him right now.
I've also said that he has to decide if he can be that for them. That may mean having to face some real truths about himself and to make some serious sacrifices for the sake of his family.
I also said to him that if he's not willing or able to do this then he will have to go his own way and we will have to separate.
I'm not angry with him but so exceptionally disappointed with his deceit and the ability to lie so well.
I'm embarrassed and ashamed that I didn't see this coming.
Thanks for reading. I'm not sure what I want/ need in response. I just needed a safe place, free of judgement to get this off my chest.
xo
So here goes...
My husband has never had a good relationship with alcohol. When we first met in our early twenties it was a part of our lives to go out and drink quite heavily, quite often.
I sometimes noticed that when he drank he never quite knew when enough was enough. I turned a blind eye to this.
His siblings at that stage drank everyday to the point of passing out. These are the people he looked up to and yearned for their acceptance. I noticed that whenever he drank, he became very pretentious, annoying and embarrassing. I turned a blind eye to this as well.
When we got married 10 years ago, he made the choice to stop drinking completely because 'I' didn't like him to drink.
A few months later after we had married, I had gone overseas and upon my return found that a few bottles of alcohol that were full when I left, were now empty. When asked, he became defensive and very angry with me. He apologised and after a few days I accepted his apology.
Fast forward two years later, I was pregnant with my first child and severely unwell. One night, instead of bringing me food (as I could drive), he went out for "2 drinks" with mates. He switched his phone off and couldn't be reached. Upon arriving at home, he was so drunk, got in a heated argument with me which resulted in me (7 months pregnant) sleeping on the couch.
He apologised profusely again. I accepted his apology again.
Fast forward 3 years later, I had just had my second child and my mother found a half full bottle of vodka hidden in our garage.
My mother was concerned as she had lived with an alcoholic for 15 years.
He admitted to hiding it, citing stress and apologised again.
On another occasion, he went out for a work BBQ, and promised he would only have a few drinks.
True to form, he had switched off his phone and returned home unrecognisably drunk. He left a trail of vomit and wee on the floor in both ours and the childrens bathrooms. By now our oldest is 4.
The next day when I attempted to talk about it he slammed my head into the kitchen cupboard, yelled, ranted and threatened to kill himself.
AFTER hours of endless crying and apologies - the idiot I am - accepted his apology.
Since then there have been numerous trust issues as I don't believe I can trust anything he says. We continue to see a counsellor, however, I know he is not being totally honest, blames me for comparing him to my father and plays the pity card. I resent him for that.
In these sessions, I agreed to stop purposely watching how much he drinks and to stop passing comments and nagging.
In turn he promised to stick to two bottles over the weekend and to not mix his drinks. He was insistent that he doesn't 'really' drink on weekdays bar the odd beer or wine.
When he drank, he'd often drink wine/ beers then follow with whisky. He's be so monumentally drunk that it would be painful to watch.
Though he believes he is absolutely fine and can manage his liquor.
Anyway, suffice to say, he has not held up his end of the deal. He will agree to a plan the just go ahead and do what he wants anyway. He will then make a point of ignoring me or rolling his eyes when I try to get his attention. He will also get out his phone and make notes to share with the therapist when we next see her - as if I was behaving erratically. Such passive aggressive behaviour. He does this when friends are around - as recent as last weekend.
If it was just the two of us, he'd be yelling, swearing, punching walls etc.so sometimes I think it safer to have people around.
See , I thought that he was only drinking occasionally (on weekends, special occassions and when we have friend over), however this morning I received a rude awakening.
My kids were playing in my walk in robe and my oldest (now 9), hold up 2 bottles of wine (one empty) and asks me why there's wine in the wardrobe?
I immediately wanted to vomit. I couldn't believe that he's been hiding alcohol again.
He's at work, so I rung him. He didn't deny it. He said that since spending 4 weeks with his siblings last year (He had to go overseas as his mum wasn't well), he had come with a greater urge to drink more and has been hiding alcohol.
This means he has also been lying to our therapist.
His initial response was silence. He then aplogised asked how it was found. By now apologies come so easy to him. To me, they are empty words.
Apologising again and saying that he will no longer drink unless we are with friends or special occasions. He says he was expecting this to happen and he deserves any repercussions.
He then says it was a stupid thing to do and he has no excuses.
He further says that he does believe he has a drinking problem but not alcoholism, however, he believes he would be one if he drank every day.
I'm so hurt, angry, lost, disappointed and sad at the same time. I dont know where to go from here or what to do.
I've told him that he needs to get help as our marriage is in really jeopardy and our children need a good male role model in their lives and that is not him right now.
I've also said that he has to decide if he can be that for them. That may mean having to face some real truths about himself and to make some serious sacrifices for the sake of his family.
I also said to him that if he's not willing or able to do this then he will have to go his own way and we will have to separate.
I'm not angry with him but so exceptionally disappointed with his deceit and the ability to lie so well.
I'm embarrassed and ashamed that I didn't see this coming.
Thanks for reading. I'm not sure what I want/ need in response. I just needed a safe place, free of judgement to get this off my chest.
xo
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,513
Welcome and I'm sorry for your situation. I hope that your husband decides to seek support for his alcoholism.
This is a good place for you to find support for yourself. I think you need to focus on yourself and your children. You might like to check out AlAnon in your area as a support for you.
This is a good place for you to find support for yourself. I think you need to focus on yourself and your children. You might like to check out AlAnon in your area as a support for you.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,569
It's good to meet you, Deflated. There are many here who will understand and relate to your situation. I've been on both sides of this thing - and went through a similar time with my husband a long time ago. Your husband claims he isn't an alcoholic because he doesn't drink every day, but it isn't how often we drink - it's what it does to us when we do.
Please don't be embarrassed, ashamed, gullible - or any of the things you're feeling. Most of us react in the same way when it's someone we love and want to believe in. As Anna suggested, Al-Anon might be a good idea for you. I'm very sorry for what you're going through.
Please don't be embarrassed, ashamed, gullible - or any of the things you're feeling. Most of us react in the same way when it's someone we love and want to believe in. As Anna suggested, Al-Anon might be a good idea for you. I'm very sorry for what you're going through.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,784
Welcome to the family. 
I'm sorry for what brings you here but glad you found us and are asking for support. Support is what we do here.
I too would suggest you get involved with AlAnon for face to face support for you.
I hope he seeks treatment for his drinking. It doesn't matter what he calls it, if drinking is causing problems, then it's a problem.
I'm sorry for what brings you here but glad you found us and are asking for support. Support is what we do here. I too would suggest you get involved with AlAnon for face to face support for you.
I hope he seeks treatment for his drinking. It doesn't matter what he calls it, if drinking is causing problems, then it's a problem.
Mr
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: FRANCE
Posts: 5,230
Hello. I also think you both need to get help. Quick. Very difficult to reason with an active alcoholic.
Im sorry but this not serious : "a drinking problem but not alcoholism" I think its quiet obvious.
I really wish it works out for you and your family.
Take care.
Im sorry but this not serious : "a drinking problem but not alcoholism" I think its quiet obvious.
I really wish it works out for you and your family.
Take care.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 328
Glad your here, sorry for the circumstances you find yourself in.
You sound like a very caring, loving and forgiving person so you partner is very lucky to have you.
As has been said it can be called whatever anyone likes with regards to labels but it’s clear that it needs to be addressed and the sooner the better for all of you.
I hope your partner is ready to take action soon....is he on here?
Might be an idea for him to come here and even read a little as a first step.
It worked for me
Good luck
You sound like a very caring, loving and forgiving person so you partner is very lucky to have you.
As has been said it can be called whatever anyone likes with regards to labels but it’s clear that it needs to be addressed and the sooner the better for all of you.
I hope your partner is ready to take action soon....is he on here?
Might be an idea for him to come here and even read a little as a first step.
It worked for me
Good luck
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: England
Posts: 645
I'm sorry to read your story. You though have acted like a saint here; the kitchen cupboard bit would have been the last straw for many.
You must think of yourself and your children as priority number 1. Hubby must make up his own mind whether he will accept he is an alcoholic and do something about it - he 100% is and is very, very lucky to still have you there.
None of this is your fault at all so no need to feel guilty whatsoever.
You must think of yourself and your children as priority number 1. Hubby must make up his own mind whether he will accept he is an alcoholic and do something about it - he 100% is and is very, very lucky to still have you there.
None of this is your fault at all so no need to feel guilty whatsoever.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
Hi and welcome to SR. I'm sorry you're going through this.
Your husband won't quit drinking until he knows he has a problem and wants to quit.You can't change or cure him.
All you can do is decide how much more you are prepared to put up with and put you and your children first. I agree the with Dec the kichen cupboard incident is awful and would have been the final straw for many.
Your husband won't quit drinking until he knows he has a problem and wants to quit.You can't change or cure him.
All you can do is decide how much more you are prepared to put up with and put you and your children first. I agree the with Dec the kichen cupboard incident is awful and would have been the final straw for many.
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