Snowie71

Hello friends on SR

I feel I have an "emergency". I need help not to jump in and "save the day" in a situation my brother is suffering that could have entirely been avoided.

I've had my own struggles with alcohol, don't post much and recently started a new job which is very demanding (law-brexit-london institutions: basically I work all hours).

My problem is my brother's relationship with alcohol. I am embroiled. I am a codie, and so was my mum, who catered for him till she died. She left her entire estate to him (ouch that hurt at the time, but she placed her estate where it was needed). As an estate with debts (liabilities) it had to go into probate in the UK. As an estate with debts, it meant he was left the "residue" of the estate, i.e. the money after the estate was paid off. The original executor of the will bowed out after having arranged a law firm to handle the process, and i stepped in to smooth it (and keep an eye on billing, being a lawyer myself).

It should have gone so well! I sold my mothers main house by last xmas and all that my brother needed to do was get a small mortgage to bump up the "residue". He was renting a house from my mother and it was maxed out mortgage-wise. So he needed to get a small mortgage, add that to his inheritance and then own the house he was renting from my mum. Instead, him and his partner have got used to their "rent free" existence and not paid the mortgage. I have had to sit by as "executor" and watch this happen.

Relations with the brother broke down around July. I am, apparently a poisonous bitch, selfish, manipulative, an utter horror of a person. The insults came as soon as I told him he should get active on the mortgage and dared to criticise him. He basically "showed" me who he was (and I believed him, thanks SR and the network of friends I went to in shock).

Fast forward to now, as i predicted, he is now heading into 10 months of no mortgage arrangement and finally one of the creditors of mum's estate has said no more. It happens to be the people who can foreclose on the house he wants to buy.

Even typing the circumstances has made me feel stronger, but I will say I get urges to jump in, with money, to save the day. I recognise that all that could do is ensure 6 months from now I a re-donating and re-saving the day. My brother is definitely alcoholic and definitely reluctant to tie himself to a commitment that requires responsibility (i.e. a mortgage) but he has 5 children and a partner. It might sound odd but i had a "conversation" with my deceased parents about this. Codie mum told me to ignore my own feelings and priorities and even financial position and "save" my brother, My dad was far more prosaic, he said "he made his bed, let him lie in it",

I've resigned (with 3 months notice) as executor of my mums will because ultimately I would be sued by people! I cant seem to stay angry at my brother though ( i feel sorry for him). But I don't want to be a stooge that carries the can for him. How do I cope with the guilt and all the roiling anxiety I feel from stepping away?

SparkleKitty

For me, it was framing it thus: Show your brother the respect of treating him as the adult he is.

Maudcat

Oh, man, doesn't that just bite!
I sympathize and empathize as I have an alcohol addicted sib as well.
He lives with my mom.
Two years ago we (me and older sib) enrolled him for a subsidized apartment, as he is on disability.
We discovered this spring that he had received notice of an apartment for him. He needed to follow up by confirming that yes, he was still interested, and provide id to the housing council.
Of course, he didn't .
He continues to live wth my mother and just generally be a sharp stick in everyone's eyes.
I understand your desire to help, and I certainly wouldn't call you out if you did.
But...I think we know that isn't the answer.

SmallButMighty

I wish I had advice on how to deal with the anxiety and guilt. I wasn't very good at dealing with my own, codie extraordinaire that I am.

But if I was going to give advice, I'd suggest listening to dear departed Dad.

Actions AND inactions have consequences... both for your brother and yourself. Some good, some bad, depends on the choices chosen.

Good Luck to you whichever way you decide.

*hugs*

Steely

Co-dependency exists in my family too, though I am here on SR for support re my alcoholism. Hope OK to post on this thread.

I have to say that I'm with Dad on this one. It really will just continue to continue.

And I really liked what SparkleKitty had to say. Precisely!

PuzzledHeart

I have a feeling I'm going to end up in a similar pickle as well with my sister. She isn't exactly the most fiscally responsible person. It kills me that she will go on about being a single mom, but then at a drop of a hat she will spend thousands of dollars on her latest vanity project. She most likely has no retirement savings and although she hasn't articulated it, she most likely expects me and her children to bail her out (if she's even thought that far down the road._ It does make me sad that she puts herself in a role where she constantly needs to be saved. I think it's a way of testing that people love her. The only problem with that is that when you constantly poke and prod at love, you're more likely to harm it. It's like somebody digging up a carrot day after day to make sure it's growing. All you do is kill it.

I think what SparkleKitty suggested is spot on. The fact of the matter is that your brother had sufficient warning to do what he needed to do. The fact that there are children involved does make things somewhat dicier, but one could argue that all the repeated bailouts are merely bandaids to a wound that requires stitches - a solution that's going to hurt and much more difficult to conceal. However stitches prevent the wound from reopening again and again.

Ugh. It's never easy. It sounds like no matter what you do, you're going to **** somebody off so you might as well do what's right. I don't know all the circumstances, but based on the way you've articulated your dilemma, I suspect that whatever your actions are, they will be well thought out with the purest of intentions.

SaveHer

I'm sorry you're going through this.

My AXBF's mother enables her son, thinking she can "fix" him and "save" him but essentially infantilizing him and prolonging his feigned ineptitude (and it is feigned because he happens to be very resourceful when he really wants/needs something). If I could tell her anything, it would be to let go and to do so with love.

I think I would say the same thing to you as well. In all likelihood, your brother will be fine. And if he's not, that's his mistake to make.

To answer your questions about letting go of guilt, here is what Melody Beattie has to say about the subject:

"This is an old lesson, but it bears repeating and remembering. We don’t have to let anyone control our lives, our choices, our joy.

No matter how well we thought we learned that lesson, it often reappears. Another person starts to pull our strings. We get involved, entangled, hooked in. We hear ourselves singing an old tune—If only she would, if only he wouldn’t, then I would be… We realize that once again we have given up too much control. We have deferred our lives to the wishes, whims, and choices of another.

Yes, if we are living fully, we will have reactions to those around us. Our relationships will help shape us, teach us things. And yes, there are times we are so connected to others, love them so much, that their path does affect ours.

But we don’t have to let another person control our choices, our behaviors, or our lives.

Maybe she will. Maybe he won’t.

But what about you? What do you want? What course of action feels right for you, for your life? Do you want to assign responsibility for whether you take that course to another? Do you really?

Sometimes, no matter how much you love others, it’s time to let go, time to let them walk their path. Time to realize that it is your responsibility to walk your own.

Go in love. Go in peace. Go in gentle power.

You are responsible for your life. You are responsible for your choices. It doesn’t matter what the other person does. You are still responsible for you.

Take care of yourself, then take it one step further. Love, nurture, honor, and respect yourself.

Only you can decide what you’re going to do."

Snowie71

Thanks very much for all the comments. Had a long chat with a relative yesterday, who is also of the view I don't need to get involved. I didn't have any real choice about becoming executor as I was in the room with my brother and the appointed executor when he bowed out. I only signed up for being the point of contact with the lawyers but it sort of morphed into me having to take on that role - something the deceased hadn't intended. Also the mortgage is entirely my brothers idea - that's the crazy bit, he claims that's what he wants but has done nothing to sort it.

With some time to think about it I realise it's vitally important to leave him to it, because he could come to some important decisions about where to go from here. I'd been working from the simplistic idea you help your family out but I realise you can help them with inaction as well as action!

tomsteve

thats quite common active alcoholic thinking- i'll show you by hurting myself!"

how to cope?
imo, i think one thing would be to stop taking accountability for his actions.
not stepping away wont change anything in his life,will it?

hopeful4

Helping out family is very different from helping out addict family. If you were to bail him out, be prepared to walk the same walk again when the next six months pass. It's just not your burden. And yes, he has shown you who he is.

It's OK to not be able to have a relationship with toxic people. It does not mean that you love them any less, but that you have to love them from afar because a relationship with them at this time is just too toxic.

Snowie71

Thanks again - this was especially helpful. You can help out, rescue or save in many flavours but the recipient will carry on living their life as they choose.

The person who bowed out as executor was going to help with the mortgage side of things (my brother was talking about this before our mum died) and has been updating me - my brother has sent him details of the mortgage and he'll call tomorrow to see where it is in terms of "sortedness". I imagine it is a mortgage in principle based on verbal info and won't be offered once strict UK lending criteria are applied to a physical application. I feel a sort of "doom" about that hut you good people have helped me get rid of guilt and feelings of responsibility. My brother is definitely a gift that will keep on giving for the rest of his/my life. I will give updates. My suspicion is this latest mortgage will fall down when it hits reality (he gets paid cash in hand, they claim benefits etc) but I realise that THAT is a point he needs to experience all by himself. My mum babied him all his life. I can't step into her shoes because I have 2 young kids of my own.

PuzzledHeart

Snowie, I'm sure you've had a couple moments where you ask yourself "Am I doing this because it makes me look like a good parent, or because I really think it's best for my kid?"

Usually the stuff we do for our children covers both points, but there are occasions when it's one or the other. The same process applies to our own respective siblings.

Best of luck to you and your brother.