JessicaNAJ

Does and AH go into A@@hole mode with a snap of their fingers when they haven't had a drink for 2 weeks?

Tonight, my AH came over to help my neighbor finish the project that was started 2 days ago. He came straight from work, which surprised me because he usually goes home to get a shower first.

He was so nice and mentally there when he got here. He knew I was worn out and he massaged my shoulders. It started hurting so I said, "Okay, that's enough." and then thanked him.

As the night when on, there was good humor going on. No tension at all. I made a comment that now all I have to do was mop the floors (they were cutting wood in my dining room and there was sawdust everywhere). He said, "You need to get in there and clean the refridgerator." I took offense to that because he's always putting down how clean my house is and how it smells like cat. (I work and full time job, take care of my kids, and do my best to clean the house.) Anyway, I told him - and it was sarcastic, "You don't live here if you don't like it, you clean it." (It wasn't even dirty-just some spilled pop). He laughed it off and I went about my cleaning. Everything seemed okay even after that.

Then, about an hour later, he was putting his tools away, he noticed a Screw missing off of his saw. He jumps at our son right away, "Nathaniel, were you in this box?" He said it in an aggressive tone. I assurred him that no one was in his tool box. "Well, It was in here when I dropped it off!" "Are you sure it was in there, because no one was in there." "Yes, I F#$%ing saw it there!" So I said (joking), "I'm guilty, I took it." "What the F#$% ever! Why you got to cop and attitude?" I'm not copping an attitude, I was just joking, lighten up." Then he mumbles, "You need to lighten up!" OOOOH I was this close to telling him to leave, but I bit my tongue and assurred him that I was just joking the same way he always jokes around. That was the end of it.

When he left, he didn't seem to have an attitude...it was over with... But he left and didn't even try to give me a hug goodbye, just said bye and walked away.

He left his phone at work and it's killing me not to be able to call him to figure out what happened, why the change of attitude? So I'm typing it down here.

I'm not letting this interfer with my good nights rest, but it does bother me that if he has something bothering him, he won't communicate it.

Back to my original question, could this be part of withdrawal? I read somewhere that it could take up to a year or longer to recover from the effects of alcohol.

StandingStrong

Jessica, I don't know about their being a 2-week timeline for moodiness when it comes to an A, whether they have stopped drinking or not.

But I wanted to respond to this post to point something out to you.

Yesterday you posted about your light bulb moment. And you said you were going to take the focus off your AH and put it back on to you and your kids. You also stated that your AH is not working a program and you know it's only a matter of time before he drinks again.
Today you post about finding out about his disorderly conduct and how he's hid that from you.
And now you post the post above, and I think you sound upset about him not trying to hug and kiss you goodbye. You are upset/disappointed that you can't call him to find out why he had a change of mood so quickly today. And it was just yesterday that you posted about him spending the night at your request and then made breakfast for the kid's (again, at your request)?

I don't mean to sound harsh or make you feel bad when I tell you what I think, so please know that's not my intent. I remember very well the feeling of confusion of having mixed emotions where my own AH was concerned.
But I don't understand where you really are in your recovery. And because of that, I often times am unsure as to how to really respond to your posts. However, I want to reach out to you and support you and let you know that I understand you are confused and hurt right now.

Forgive me if you've already answered the questions I'm about to ask - but are you attending alanon? Are you working through the steps? Do you know what it is you really want out of your AH? And do you know what you really want for you? When it comes to where your focus is - where is it, really?
It's time for you to be really honest with yourself.

Another thing, your AH is not working a program. I'm unsure if you are working a program. Have you discussed possibly going to marriage counseling together?
I just get the impression sometimes that you are floating along with no direction.
Sadly, I know how that feels. I just hope that you don't wait as many years and go through the H*ll that I did because I didn't focus and get my act together.

Sorry you are having a rough time tonight. But remember, tomorrow is a new day with a clean slate. Hopefully tomorrow will be better for you.

Peaches04

Hi Jessica!! I'm sorry about all the confusion tonite! To be honest, I can see where StandingStrong is coming from. It seems that one minute you are on the path to recovery, but then you seem to 'slip' back into being dependent on him and expecting him to stay engaged with your issues and helping you out alot, and then focusing on him and deciphering his behavior. Are you two separated and trying to work things out, or are you divorced? Maybe that's where I'm confused...I can understand being separated and having limited interactions to try and work things out - but, if you are getting divorced, Im confused why he is still such a big part of your life and you seem very dependent on him and affectionate or needing affection from him - which is fine, but I can see where StandingStrong is struggling with trying to determine where you are in your recovery? I guess I need you to help me understand your thoughts on what your 'end game' is, in regards to your relationship with your AH or ex? Maybe that will help us understand where you are coming from. I just want to know your state of mind, so maybe I can give you better advise... or thoughts anyway. I know this is a tough and confusing time - I'm there with you too. i can tell yout that in the past, before I married my AH (didn't realize he was an AH) - we would break up and then he would come and 'help' me with things, and I'd always end up getting sucked back into the relatonship - which we did end up getting married - but, I can now look back and see the patter and how when I broke up with him, I never really 'let go' and tried to move on. Again - not that it is 'bad' - it's just a different state of mind then someone who is really trying to let go and move on.. Please don't take this as criticism at all - I've been there, I promise!

JessicaNAJ

Standingstrong - your right. I am confused. No I haven't attended al-anon since april. The closest meeting starts at 8:00, that's about the time I start getting the kids settled in the night. I can't afford someone to watch the kids for me, even for an hour. I was able to go before because my AH was here. I realize I'm powerless over alcohol, I realize I have to put my faith in my higher power. I forget sometimes to turn my will over to my HP. I've tried to make a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself (Still have more work on that one). I do pray, but that's about as far as I've gotten. I'm not sure how to ask Him to humbly remove my shortcomings? My sister-in-law told me I need to humble myself, does that mean I think I'm better than him?

Yes, I am going to counselling.

I've let go of the blame, I realize everything that has happened I've allowed to happen.

I've not been able to read my co-dependant books.

I was really doing good with my recovery. I really don't know why all of a sudden I'm all confused. All I've ever wanted was a good life with my husband. It's hard when you start realizing that he's not the person you need him to be. I'm having a hard time letting go. I want to... but I'm not quite there.

I'm here because I know I can't do this on my own. I look forward to everyone's suggestions and support. Its the only thing clear I can count on.

To answer your questions:

Do you know what it is you really want out of your AH? I want him to not drink, to realize he has a problem and find spiritual help. I want him to be here for me mentally and emotionally. I'm not sure he can do that.

And do you know what you really want for you? I want to be happy. I already know that I can take care of myself and my family financially. I want compassion, feeling, trust.

When it comes to where your focus is - where is it, really? My focus is bouncing around between a hundred different things. Lately, I've had some much going on I can't really focus on anything except the here and now. I think I've slipped back into that comfort zone...

I was even thinking tonight that I need to start over in my recovery, because I don't even think I make sense. I want him to be here for me, but when he is I want him to go away. When he's away, I want him here. Am I just lonely?? I go to my counselor Thursday, I will address this.

I'm not going to give up on me.... that's not who I am.

Thank you Standing for your support. Your words have always been inspirational and always get me thinking.

I'm going to ask my HP tonight to help me focus on ME. Thank you for being there. I know I sound like a ping-pong ball.

JessicaNAJ

My parents divorced when I was 11. I made a promise to myself that I would never put my kids in that situation. I would do whatever it took to make things work with my AH. I started realizing though that he wasn't willing to work on his issues. Just a lot of talk. I had enough. The kids didn't need to grow up seeing this and I deserved better. So, currently we are separated. I don't know what kind of "end" I expect to get.

I've always wanted to be able to count on my spouse to be there for me, and maybe I take advantage of the fact that he would do anything for me. I know I need to work on this.

Marriage is supposed to be forever but when he is actively drinking it is so easy for me to say, I'm done. In fact, 2 weeks ago, I was almost to the point where I was ready to call an attorney. Then he sobers up, sounds sincere and sucks me back in (like now).

I look here for wisdom and a path to get the answers I need. I would never take offense to anything anyone here says to me. I accept any constructive critism, I believe that is what helps a person grow.

Peaches04

I hear ya Jessica - and I can totally relate. i think I was under the impression you were divorced, so now I understand better. You are working through this the best you know how and you will get better and better with your recovery. I feel the same way - i asked my AH to leave, and he decided to quit drinking for 30 days - things are 200% better...BUT, now sometimes I still notice certain behaviors have not changed. I keep expecting him to be more affectionate, and more interested in me and my day, and on and on - and I get so disappointed when he doesn't. I'm working on the same thing you are - just trying to realize I may never get that from him. He seems to come through like a knight in shining armor when I'm down and out and need him...but, when I'm fine - he sucks the life out of me. Why can't they just be that knight all the time - why does it take some 'neediness' on our part , to bring out the best part in him... it's maddening! So, thanks for the explanation - that sincerely helped me understand why you are going through the tribulations you are...and I can completely relate! Hang in there sweetie! we can cheer each other on, while we are figuring this mess out!

JessicaNAJ

That sounds good...lol I know I'm a mess.

I need to try to realize I may never get what I need from my AH instead of keep hoping that I will.

DIVORCE - that word scares me.

I know that I need to work on me, then figure out what my feelings are for him, and then face the DIVORCE word in face if that is what it comes down to.

I do need to quit asking for his help. That will be the first think I work on as I begin me new Recovery.

Lorelai

(((Jessica)))
As I go through my recovery, I often get confused and get stuck on something that I knew I shouldn't be doing. I was far enough along to know that it wasn't good for my recovery but it kept bugging me anyway.

I chose to look at it as something I thought I'd figured out but I hadn't really gotten it entirely. It was an opportunity to look at it, think about it, get information about it - until I really, really, really got it.

The bedrock of my recovery are two phrases:
I am powerless over his recovery (or lack thereof).
That's what alcoholics do.

Once I really understood and believed those two things, it was all downhill from there.
Hugs - L

JessicaNAJ

L - I know I am powerless over his recovery and that that is what A's do, but me having these weak moments and wanting him there and then not wanting him there - where does that come from. I can come up with the excuse that I'm lonely, but is it deeper than that? Am I more dependant on him than I want to believe?

UGH!!! I'm so frustrated with not knowing what is going on in my head and my heart. I know I'm not dealing with his drinking, I've set my boundary and I'm sticking to it. Why, then since he's not drinking and not working a program, am I sinking??

sweeks

Hey jess. I just finished reading "codependent no more" and you won't believe the difference it's making in my life, and my husband isn't even an alcoholic, my mom is but for some reason all of my codependency is directed at him.

Anyway I'm realizing about myself that this weakness and neediness comes from me needing my self-worth to come from him. I don't feel good enough unless he is there loving me and telling me so....

Haven't come up with the way to rebuild by self-worth yet but this knowledge really helps me to stop needing him so much. Good luck with your recovery and try to make time for "codependent no more" if you can.

JessicaNAJ

That makes a lot of sense.

I read that book once. I keep meaning to read it again. Guess I need to really get on it....lol

Thank you!! I feel like such a mess.