How do I deal with the lies?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 60
How do I deal with the lies?
Hello, I am new here and have been reading through some of the posts, but I need some help.
My AHhas developed a pattern of relapsing every 4 or 5 weeks, just using once (a line or 2) then getting clean again. In between using (after withdrawal) he is the kindest, sweetest man and the best dad so I'm finding It hard to commit to leaving him. I know i probably should but I feel like he will get there eventually, he's gone from using heavily daily for years to these relapses (maybe I'm being naive).
Anyway, the lies he tells are ridiculous! E.g. today he received a text of a failed delivery report to a number which turns out to be a pawn broker. He swears he didn't text it, will prove on monday (when it reopens) that he hasnt pawned anything etc etc.
I KNOW that he must have text it - too much of a coincidence that the delivery report is wrong and the number happens to be a local pawn shop!!!! The issue I have is how to deal with this behaviour? I get so frustrated by it all as it is such a rubbish lie and I always find the lying is the worst part of it all.
Any advice on how to live with this type of behaviour without letting it destroy me? Or any advice in general!!
Thank you to anyone that has taken the time to read this to the end, it means a lot!
My AHhas developed a pattern of relapsing every 4 or 5 weeks, just using once (a line or 2) then getting clean again. In between using (after withdrawal) he is the kindest, sweetest man and the best dad so I'm finding It hard to commit to leaving him. I know i probably should but I feel like he will get there eventually, he's gone from using heavily daily for years to these relapses (maybe I'm being naive).
Anyway, the lies he tells are ridiculous! E.g. today he received a text of a failed delivery report to a number which turns out to be a pawn broker. He swears he didn't text it, will prove on monday (when it reopens) that he hasnt pawned anything etc etc.
I KNOW that he must have text it - too much of a coincidence that the delivery report is wrong and the number happens to be a local pawn shop!!!! The issue I have is how to deal with this behaviour? I get so frustrated by it all as it is such a rubbish lie and I always find the lying is the worst part of it all.
Any advice on how to live with this type of behaviour without letting it destroy me? Or any advice in general!!
Thank you to anyone that has taken the time to read this to the end, it means a lot!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Princess,
Welcome and great question. Lies are basic 101 with addicts. On the friends & family forum here we call it "Gas lighting". We have a couple threads about how rediculous it is some of the things they say. I was with my addict for 34 years, and I found a letter back to 1982 calling him out on his lies. Ugh, I was a slow learner.
So the bottom line is how do you move forward. He is an addict and they lie, they do drugs, they say and do terrible things that us codies accept. Its a horrible life. Once we accept the fact that they are who they are and we can't change them, we start thinking about ourselves. There is a lot of support for you. I would read the stickies at the top of the forums, I would seek support with alanon or a therapist. Waiting for our addicts to get sober, loving, caring and trust worthy takes a long time if ever. Did you want to wait?
Education is power. Work on yourself, get healthy and figure out what you really want in life. It took me way to long to figure out what I needed to do. Keep posting and asking questions.
Welcome and great question. Lies are basic 101 with addicts. On the friends & family forum here we call it "Gas lighting". We have a couple threads about how rediculous it is some of the things they say. I was with my addict for 34 years, and I found a letter back to 1982 calling him out on his lies. Ugh, I was a slow learner.
So the bottom line is how do you move forward. He is an addict and they lie, they do drugs, they say and do terrible things that us codies accept. Its a horrible life. Once we accept the fact that they are who they are and we can't change them, we start thinking about ourselves. There is a lot of support for you. I would read the stickies at the top of the forums, I would seek support with alanon or a therapist. Waiting for our addicts to get sober, loving, caring and trust worthy takes a long time if ever. Did you want to wait?
Education is power. Work on yourself, get healthy and figure out what you really want in life. It took me way to long to figure out what I needed to do. Keep posting and asking questions.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 60
I am trying to hard to not get drawn in by it all and accept that it's all part of addiction. But i don't know how to react to the lies, do I just ignore it and let him think I believe it?
I know that he is playing the recovery game but that it is all a pretence to stop me from walking, I feel like i have had enough but haven't got the strength to leave. I guess i just dont know where to start with working on me and not being drawn into the game of madness!
Thanks for your reply, it's nice to hear that someone understands my life!
I know that he is playing the recovery game but that it is all a pretence to stop me from walking, I feel like i have had enough but haven't got the strength to leave. I guess i just dont know where to start with working on me and not being drawn into the game of madness!
Thanks for your reply, it's nice to hear that someone understands my life!
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
I think that when you said, "I feel like I have had enough but haven't got the strength to leave", you actually do want to leave. It might take some time to get the strength to do that or you might choose to stay, which is also fine. No matter what you do, I think you need to see an addiction therapist for yourself, to talk about these things. If you see a therapist that doesn't specialize in addiction, you could get counterproductive advice -- this happened to me. I think lies are very damaging to a relationship, because it kills trust and once trust is dead, it's difficult for the intimacy in a relationship not to die. If possible, can you take a break from your partner and give them some time to figure themselves out? Also this will give you time to figure out what you want.
It's true that lying is common in addiction. Sometimes violence (self-harm, harm to others) is also common... as is theft... as is death by overdose. You can accept that that is who the addict is -- what I mean is, you can't expect them NOT to lie when they are in active addiction. For years, I accepted my AH's drug use. I told him to just stop hiding it, to just work on his recovery. I felt that shame was a barrier to his recovery so I didn't want him to be ashamed. Unfortunately he took that as carte blanche to use as much drugs as he wanted as often as he wanted. He also continue to lie. He even ended up stealing, which is one of the worst types of dishonesty. So while I was accepting that my AH had a problem, I didn't know that I didn't have to force myself to live with his problems. I thought I had a moral obligation to be there for him. I thought I had a moral obligation to be there for someone that I could not trust. Fact is, the addict doesn't need you there for him, he needs to be there for himself. At best, while he is using, you are just a hindrance to his usage... or if not, you are the bank when he runs out of money... or you are the housekeeper... etc.
The reason that you are feeling worn out (the reason I also feel worn out) is because the addict's needs have worn you out. So you feel you can't leave. You are affected by their drinking/drug use. You feel you need to be there for them, because your relationship has changed so that the number one priority in the relationship is the drug use -- how to continue it (for the addict) and how to manage it (for you); everything revolves around worrying about drugs for both of you. Because the bad times are so horrible, the good times seem amazing by comparison. Small things that your addict partner does while sober, like cooking dinner, seem fantastic and fill you with joy. Yet though these are things that people in healthy relationships expect, and you deserve to expect them too. It's because the constant resentment and sadness and fear create a craving for happiness, so when you get crumbs of normality you are overjoyed. You might also have this problem where the relationship is very intense, because you're both involved in a secret together (his drug use), or if it's not a secret, it's intense because you're both on the "front lines" together. No one else knows what it's like to have suffered like the two of you. My relationship was like that. I don't think I will ever have that again with anyone else. I also know that although I will miss it, it is probably a terrible idea to have that again because it wasn't "normal".
These things can also make it hard to leave. Both the addict and co-dependent partner end up chasing happiness in different (but both self-destructive) ways: the addict relies on a substance that will hurt him/her; the co-dependent partner relies on a person what will hurt him/her. It becomes obsessive compulsive and yes, it will make the non-addicted partner feel exhausted from the craziness caused by cognitive dissonance... because the amount of mental acrobatics you have to do to stay in the relationship, to keep justifying the addict's behavior and treatment of you, is mentally taxing.
Make no mistake: when people lie to us, it indicates that they do not respect us. They deliberately create a situation where they have more knowledge than you -- this is not an equal relationship and it is manipulation. It is abuse. It is an abuse of trust and it is emotional abuse. If you go back in my timeline 9 months ago, and you asked me if I thought my AH was abusive, I would have been very offended. I loved him so much. I still, in some way, do. However, hindsight is 20-20. I did not think that his behavior was going to escalate into physical violence. I had the "but not me" thinking, which is exceptionalism (and addicts do this too). I thought, "but he's really sweet when he's sober and he would never XYZ". Addiction doesn't care what its victim is like when he/she is sober.
I think you need to get away for a while. If you have the means, do it. If you have friends or relatives that will help you leave for a short-time, do it please. Think about what sort of life you want to live. This is part of acceptance (if I'm wrong, someone please correct me). Think about how to best live your life, what your goals (that don't involve him) are, and go from there. Sometimes the best thing to do for someone else is to be responsible for yourself. The addict might find recovery, or not, it's not something you can cure or control.
I hope I am not being overly harsh. From time to time, I feel lonely and think I need to break my no-contact. So my advice is not necessarily the best advice. Please keep posting because if you do decide to separate, you do risk the possibility that the addict will become desperate and their actions will be consistent with desperation. If that happens you will need support (for you, not them).
It's true that lying is common in addiction. Sometimes violence (self-harm, harm to others) is also common... as is theft... as is death by overdose. You can accept that that is who the addict is -- what I mean is, you can't expect them NOT to lie when they are in active addiction. For years, I accepted my AH's drug use. I told him to just stop hiding it, to just work on his recovery. I felt that shame was a barrier to his recovery so I didn't want him to be ashamed. Unfortunately he took that as carte blanche to use as much drugs as he wanted as often as he wanted. He also continue to lie. He even ended up stealing, which is one of the worst types of dishonesty. So while I was accepting that my AH had a problem, I didn't know that I didn't have to force myself to live with his problems. I thought I had a moral obligation to be there for him. I thought I had a moral obligation to be there for someone that I could not trust. Fact is, the addict doesn't need you there for him, he needs to be there for himself. At best, while he is using, you are just a hindrance to his usage... or if not, you are the bank when he runs out of money... or you are the housekeeper... etc.
The reason that you are feeling worn out (the reason I also feel worn out) is because the addict's needs have worn you out. So you feel you can't leave. You are affected by their drinking/drug use. You feel you need to be there for them, because your relationship has changed so that the number one priority in the relationship is the drug use -- how to continue it (for the addict) and how to manage it (for you); everything revolves around worrying about drugs for both of you. Because the bad times are so horrible, the good times seem amazing by comparison. Small things that your addict partner does while sober, like cooking dinner, seem fantastic and fill you with joy. Yet though these are things that people in healthy relationships expect, and you deserve to expect them too. It's because the constant resentment and sadness and fear create a craving for happiness, so when you get crumbs of normality you are overjoyed. You might also have this problem where the relationship is very intense, because you're both involved in a secret together (his drug use), or if it's not a secret, it's intense because you're both on the "front lines" together. No one else knows what it's like to have suffered like the two of you. My relationship was like that. I don't think I will ever have that again with anyone else. I also know that although I will miss it, it is probably a terrible idea to have that again because it wasn't "normal".
These things can also make it hard to leave. Both the addict and co-dependent partner end up chasing happiness in different (but both self-destructive) ways: the addict relies on a substance that will hurt him/her; the co-dependent partner relies on a person what will hurt him/her. It becomes obsessive compulsive and yes, it will make the non-addicted partner feel exhausted from the craziness caused by cognitive dissonance... because the amount of mental acrobatics you have to do to stay in the relationship, to keep justifying the addict's behavior and treatment of you, is mentally taxing.
Make no mistake: when people lie to us, it indicates that they do not respect us. They deliberately create a situation where they have more knowledge than you -- this is not an equal relationship and it is manipulation. It is abuse. It is an abuse of trust and it is emotional abuse. If you go back in my timeline 9 months ago, and you asked me if I thought my AH was abusive, I would have been very offended. I loved him so much. I still, in some way, do. However, hindsight is 20-20. I did not think that his behavior was going to escalate into physical violence. I had the "but not me" thinking, which is exceptionalism (and addicts do this too). I thought, "but he's really sweet when he's sober and he would never XYZ". Addiction doesn't care what its victim is like when he/she is sober.
I think you need to get away for a while. If you have the means, do it. If you have friends or relatives that will help you leave for a short-time, do it please. Think about what sort of life you want to live. This is part of acceptance (if I'm wrong, someone please correct me). Think about how to best live your life, what your goals (that don't involve him) are, and go from there. Sometimes the best thing to do for someone else is to be responsible for yourself. The addict might find recovery, or not, it's not something you can cure or control.
I hope I am not being overly harsh. From time to time, I feel lonely and think I need to break my no-contact. So my advice is not necessarily the best advice. Please keep posting because if you do decide to separate, you do risk the possibility that the addict will become desperate and their actions will be consistent with desperation. If that happens you will need support (for you, not them).
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I feel like i have had enough but haven't got the strength to leave.
My AHhas developed a pattern of relapsing every 4 or 5 weeks, just using once (a line or 2) then getting clean again. In between using (after withdrawal) he is the kindest, sweetest man and the best dad so I'm finding It hard to commit to leaving him.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 60
OpheliaKatz, thank you for taking the time for such a detailed and honest reply! It's not harsh at all I need a lot of honesty in my life!
When I say I don't know if i have the strength to leave its because mentally I'm torn, I know (from what i have read) that i should leave and it's the healthiest thing but I'm one of lifes doormats that will help anyone with anything. Learning to put myself first is hard and i don't really know how to do it as end up feeling selfish! I haven't got the strength because i know i will give in/feel sorry for him/think there is hope etc etc. i know that I am being naive and it's a personal battle that is wearing me down so right now i have set a date (approx a year) to sit back and watch. Watch how much recovery happens, how many relapses, whether the happiness out ways the bad etc. A year might seem long to some, but in my doormat head it's a fair chance but also enough time to put some money aside (he has now access to any of our wages and he is the main earner).
So, how do I put myself first? I do I stop being such a doormat? How do I stop myself from being sucked into the madness? I am trying to find a therapist that I trust naranon is not an option for me unfortunately!
Thanks again for taking the time to reply, I have tried to respond to everything you said but probably missed out loads, unintentionally!
When I say I don't know if i have the strength to leave its because mentally I'm torn, I know (from what i have read) that i should leave and it's the healthiest thing but I'm one of lifes doormats that will help anyone with anything. Learning to put myself first is hard and i don't really know how to do it as end up feeling selfish! I haven't got the strength because i know i will give in/feel sorry for him/think there is hope etc etc. i know that I am being naive and it's a personal battle that is wearing me down so right now i have set a date (approx a year) to sit back and watch. Watch how much recovery happens, how many relapses, whether the happiness out ways the bad etc. A year might seem long to some, but in my doormat head it's a fair chance but also enough time to put some money aside (he has now access to any of our wages and he is the main earner).
So, how do I put myself first? I do I stop being such a doormat? How do I stop myself from being sucked into the madness? I am trying to find a therapist that I trust naranon is not an option for me unfortunately!
Thanks again for taking the time to reply, I have tried to respond to everything you said but probably missed out loads, unintentionally!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 60
Atalose, thank you for taking the time to reply!
No I don't have the strength to stay but as explained in post to OpheliaKatz, mentally I know i haven't got the strength to leave. I feel trapped which is why I need to learn how to detach from all this behaviour and not get sucked into it.
At the moment i can't pay the bills on my own but if he losses his job then I wouldn't support him and he will be gone as if i have to pay it on my own I may as well be on my own.
I know I'm in denial and if it wasn't me I would be saying leave him etc etc but I can't seem to let go of the man underneath the addict!
No I don't have the strength to stay but as explained in post to OpheliaKatz, mentally I know i haven't got the strength to leave. I feel trapped which is why I need to learn how to detach from all this behaviour and not get sucked into it.
At the moment i can't pay the bills on my own but if he losses his job then I wouldn't support him and he will be gone as if i have to pay it on my own I may as well be on my own.
I know I'm in denial and if it wasn't me I would be saying leave him etc etc but I can't seem to let go of the man underneath the addict!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
but I can't seem to let go of the man underneath the addict!
Your best course of actions is to work on you and what you can control with in you and your reactions to his addiction and the chaos that it brings. Programs like al-anon, nar-anon, one on one counseling with someone who specializes in codependency and addiction can guild you to make healthy and sound decisions for yourself not emotional ones. Keep posting and keep learning as much as you can about addiction and addict behaviors.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 60
Thank you for taking the time to share your knowledge, it really is helpful.
My issue (and this seems to be a big problem in my situation) is that, as much as I know i can't have Jekyll without Hyde, I cant help myself seeing my AH as 2 different people... an addict and the man underneath- the one I see in clean time and they really are Jekyll and Hyde. I find it difficult to see him as only an addict because, like you said, it's a disease. My grandad has severe dementia- but I still see glimpses of the real him underneath- he hasn't changed just taken over by a progressive disease. This is where my issue lies.
I would love to hear stories of how people managed to not react to the addict behaviour, this is something I keep trying to find to read. Are there any links?
Al anon and nar anon are not an option for me unfortunately. Counselling is and is something I am looking into but want to find the right one!
My issue (and this seems to be a big problem in my situation) is that, as much as I know i can't have Jekyll without Hyde, I cant help myself seeing my AH as 2 different people... an addict and the man underneath- the one I see in clean time and they really are Jekyll and Hyde. I find it difficult to see him as only an addict because, like you said, it's a disease. My grandad has severe dementia- but I still see glimpses of the real him underneath- he hasn't changed just taken over by a progressive disease. This is where my issue lies.
I would love to hear stories of how people managed to not react to the addict behaviour, this is something I keep trying to find to read. Are there any links?
Al anon and nar anon are not an option for me unfortunately. Counselling is and is something I am looking into but want to find the right one!
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Not sure if I missed something, but why aren't Alanon or Naranon options? If it's because AH won't like it, just tell him you're going to a women's improvement group (not really a lie). Please do not feel badly about being a doormat. I am a HUGE doormat, the hugest doormat ever. It really distresses me to see people cry, see them fall down, hurt themselves. I feel like I have to do something to stop them from feeling pain. If a building were on fire, with people trapped inside, but the fire department said that it was too dangerous for any living creature to enter and rescue, I would be so upset, I would completely freak out (even if none of the people in the building were my friends).
You are an empathetic person and you care about people. You are optimistic. These traits alone do not make you weak. However, an addict will use those things against you. Remember that you are not the only one that someone like that can target, you are just one of many possible targets. This is why when you leave them, they quickly find someone else to replace you. I believe that the sickness of addiction is also a psychological disorder. I know that some people think it's a case of being physically addicted to something so that makes it "biological" (because it might be hereditary), or a "sickness"... I don't know, I'm not a doctor. I agree it is biological, which is why it's hard to quit. However, think of the fact that the addict initially believed these behaviors were acceptable and somehow one drink a night became four, or some pot once a while became chain-smoking pot. You're dealing with a person with serious issues. Sure, they have been taken over by a progressive disease, but this is a disease that is life-long, like diabetes.
I'm going to use a literary analogy: in The Lord of the Rings, any one who ever held the ring of power is forever changed (except for some reason, Sam... but in this example I'm going to say that Sam was the codie and Frodo was the addict). In the end, Frodo had to go off with the elves to the havens. He was far too damaged for Middle Earth. Imagine you are Sam. Your AH is Frodo. It doesn't matter what you do, you can not change the fact that Frodo wore the ring and part of him wants it back. Now in a real life situation, your AH can always put the ring back on, because there's no Mount Doom where you can toss all the drugs of the world. So in a real life scenario, Frodo is going to keep holding onto the ring until he turns into another Gollum, because Mount Doom does not exist. And you, Samwise, will you keep carrying him as he becomes more weary and the ring becomes heavier and heavier? How long will you keep carrying him? Until the ring turns him against you because he's paranoid? Or do you let him go, let him find a way to destroy the ring himself, and you, Samwise Princess of Hope, you go back to the Shire and ask the barmaid (who never got involved with risky jewelry) on a date?
If you have not heard of the "grey rock" method. It's when the addict is trying to act abusively (lying, accusing you of things, etc...), you pretend you're a grey rock and don't respond. Or just respond minimally. You can look it up on youtube or google it: grey rock + narcissistic abuse. You need to really make sure that your counselor knows about addiction because otherwise, you are going to a counselor to ask them to help you remain in a relationship that might well be toxic. It's already affecting your mental health. I deeply regret not having gone to Alanon and Naranon earlier. Unfortunately, I can't make the meetings frequently enough, so I have to seek help elsewhere.
Dementia is not addiction. Your grandfather may not often know what he's doing. Your AH knows what he's doing, he's just in denial. He's hurting himself. He needs to stop by himself. It is not comparable, sorry. I used to think it was comparable until my AH became violent in order to protect his drugs (and he wasn't even high at the time). Drugs change people. It changes when when they are sober. They don't often come back. Or it takes years. What do you do in the meantime?
Please look out for yourself. Protect yourself. You are going to need courage. I can tell you straight away that neither staying nor leaving are easy. People will judge you for leaving someone "sick". People will also judge you if you stay. I can tell you that I feel healthier for having left, but sadder, more alone. Yet... some days I smile. I did not smile before.
You are an empathetic person and you care about people. You are optimistic. These traits alone do not make you weak. However, an addict will use those things against you. Remember that you are not the only one that someone like that can target, you are just one of many possible targets. This is why when you leave them, they quickly find someone else to replace you. I believe that the sickness of addiction is also a psychological disorder. I know that some people think it's a case of being physically addicted to something so that makes it "biological" (because it might be hereditary), or a "sickness"... I don't know, I'm not a doctor. I agree it is biological, which is why it's hard to quit. However, think of the fact that the addict initially believed these behaviors were acceptable and somehow one drink a night became four, or some pot once a while became chain-smoking pot. You're dealing with a person with serious issues. Sure, they have been taken over by a progressive disease, but this is a disease that is life-long, like diabetes.
I'm going to use a literary analogy: in The Lord of the Rings, any one who ever held the ring of power is forever changed (except for some reason, Sam... but in this example I'm going to say that Sam was the codie and Frodo was the addict). In the end, Frodo had to go off with the elves to the havens. He was far too damaged for Middle Earth. Imagine you are Sam. Your AH is Frodo. It doesn't matter what you do, you can not change the fact that Frodo wore the ring and part of him wants it back. Now in a real life situation, your AH can always put the ring back on, because there's no Mount Doom where you can toss all the drugs of the world. So in a real life scenario, Frodo is going to keep holding onto the ring until he turns into another Gollum, because Mount Doom does not exist. And you, Samwise, will you keep carrying him as he becomes more weary and the ring becomes heavier and heavier? How long will you keep carrying him? Until the ring turns him against you because he's paranoid? Or do you let him go, let him find a way to destroy the ring himself, and you, Samwise Princess of Hope, you go back to the Shire and ask the barmaid (who never got involved with risky jewelry) on a date?
If you have not heard of the "grey rock" method. It's when the addict is trying to act abusively (lying, accusing you of things, etc...), you pretend you're a grey rock and don't respond. Or just respond minimally. You can look it up on youtube or google it: grey rock + narcissistic abuse. You need to really make sure that your counselor knows about addiction because otherwise, you are going to a counselor to ask them to help you remain in a relationship that might well be toxic. It's already affecting your mental health. I deeply regret not having gone to Alanon and Naranon earlier. Unfortunately, I can't make the meetings frequently enough, so I have to seek help elsewhere.
Dementia is not addiction. Your grandfather may not often know what he's doing. Your AH knows what he's doing, he's just in denial. He's hurting himself. He needs to stop by himself. It is not comparable, sorry. I used to think it was comparable until my AH became violent in order to protect his drugs (and he wasn't even high at the time). Drugs change people. It changes when when they are sober. They don't often come back. Or it takes years. What do you do in the meantime?
Please look out for yourself. Protect yourself. You are going to need courage. I can tell you straight away that neither staying nor leaving are easy. People will judge you for leaving someone "sick". People will also judge you if you stay. I can tell you that I feel healthier for having left, but sadder, more alone. Yet... some days I smile. I did not smile before.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
And the difference between your grandpa and your husband is that your grandpa cannot chose to go seek help that will arrest his disease where as your husband could.
It can become extremely difficult to detach from the addicts behaviors especially when that behavior escalates which with drug addiction is most certainly will. You can’t ignore missing money, the inability to pay bills, the lack of food, electricity, heat, gas in the car. Those are behaviors no one should have to learn to tolerate or live with.
I would love to hear stories of how people managed to not react to the addict behaviour, this is something I keep trying to find to read
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 60
Thank you again for both of your replies opheliakatz and atalose!
I have carefully read all of your posts but may miss some in my replies!
Naranon/al anon are not options due to my job, it would be considered unprofessional and ruin my career if my secret were found out! The only meetings locally are in areas where I know i will be recognised, otherwise I would be there without fail!
I hear what you are both saying about addiction vs dementia. This is something I need to try to get my head around as at the moment I cannot seperate them as different apart from one was an initial choice and one isn't!
I also struggle with the concept that an addict cant overcome the addiction and live a 'normal' life. As I have a friend who has managed this, 5 years clean and has rebuilt an amazing normal life. They are majorly transformed and their perspective on life (now) is the complete opposite of an addicts. So this causes another obstacle as I read all the posts here, because the little voice in my head thinks it is possible to recover (I'm aware this isn't always the case, but gives me a possibly warped perception of recovery).
I guess the time will come where either my thoughts change or AH shows me recovery isn't as rare as I expect.
I have carefully read all of your posts but may miss some in my replies!
Naranon/al anon are not options due to my job, it would be considered unprofessional and ruin my career if my secret were found out! The only meetings locally are in areas where I know i will be recognised, otherwise I would be there without fail!
I hear what you are both saying about addiction vs dementia. This is something I need to try to get my head around as at the moment I cannot seperate them as different apart from one was an initial choice and one isn't!
I also struggle with the concept that an addict cant overcome the addiction and live a 'normal' life. As I have a friend who has managed this, 5 years clean and has rebuilt an amazing normal life. They are majorly transformed and their perspective on life (now) is the complete opposite of an addicts. So this causes another obstacle as I read all the posts here, because the little voice in my head thinks it is possible to recover (I'm aware this isn't always the case, but gives me a possibly warped perception of recovery).
I guess the time will come where either my thoughts change or AH shows me recovery isn't as rare as I expect.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
