Long day...not sure what to do
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Join Date: Sep 2017
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Long day...not sure what to do
I told my AH today (who has been abusing DXM) that he had to either go to a hotel or go to rehab. I couldn't deal with his erratic behavior any longer (he had just woken me up in the middle of the night to exorcise demons from me). He had been going to meetings probably just because I told him I would not be moving back downstairs until I could tell he was serious (and I had not moved back yet bc there hadn't been enough time).
Well, he went crazier than ever. While I was at work, he got an Uber (bc I had taken his keys) and went all around the city to do who-knows-what, but he managed to quit his job where he had been working for well over a decade where he was about to get a promotion. He later called me telling me he wanted to go to rehab and needed a ride. I picked him up and took him to the ER for a medical clearance for the rehab, and while in the ER he started changing the story of what happened and told the nurse that he was there because I thought he had an addiction. I told him and the nurse that he was not welcomed in my home and left him there. But he had left his backpack and stuff in my car.
He somehow managed to get home, and I told him I could take him to the hotel I had already reserved (I had thought I would have to go there with the kids to get away from him because I was told I could not legally force him out of the house). He agreed to go so I drove him over there.
AND he left his backpack with everything in my car. He forgot to even take his wallet when he went all around town so that is at our house, too.
So this is where I feel uncomfortable--he is at this hotel with NOTHING but the clothes on his back and his cell phone (and he left his charger in my car, too, so that may not work either). I mean, I am ok with him sleeping there now, but I mean what is ok to provide tomorrow that is not enabling?
Also, I am not even sure how long the effects of this stuff last...he seems to have a personality change for three days after, with the first day being the worst and most obvious, but the rest of the days are also very annoying.
Well, he went crazier than ever. While I was at work, he got an Uber (bc I had taken his keys) and went all around the city to do who-knows-what, but he managed to quit his job where he had been working for well over a decade where he was about to get a promotion. He later called me telling me he wanted to go to rehab and needed a ride. I picked him up and took him to the ER for a medical clearance for the rehab, and while in the ER he started changing the story of what happened and told the nurse that he was there because I thought he had an addiction. I told him and the nurse that he was not welcomed in my home and left him there. But he had left his backpack and stuff in my car.
He somehow managed to get home, and I told him I could take him to the hotel I had already reserved (I had thought I would have to go there with the kids to get away from him because I was told I could not legally force him out of the house). He agreed to go so I drove him over there.
AND he left his backpack with everything in my car. He forgot to even take his wallet when he went all around town so that is at our house, too.
So this is where I feel uncomfortable--he is at this hotel with NOTHING but the clothes on his back and his cell phone (and he left his charger in my car, too, so that may not work either). I mean, I am ok with him sleeping there now, but I mean what is ok to provide tomorrow that is not enabling?
Also, I am not even sure how long the effects of this stuff last...he seems to have a personality change for three days after, with the first day being the worst and most obvious, but the rest of the days are also very annoying.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
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I don't know if this is the right thing to do, but I would drive back to the hotel and give him his stuff. Or I would contact a friend or a sponsor and ask them to contact him. That is what I did when I separated. But maybe that is wrong. Perhaps that is enabling?
I think that if he notices he doesn't have his things, he can call you, can't he? He might not, if he's not in his right mind. If he's also paranoid he might think that not calling you is the best thing to do (unless he's going to call you because he's angry that you "didn't let him have his things" -- I'm sure he's conveniently forgotten that HE left the things in the car.)
Imagine if you went back to the hotel with his things, gave them to him, and he was so high that he left the hotel at some point and left his backpack there. In his state, it's very possible that he'll lose his backpack or other things. I think he needs to be in a shelter with support services, not a hotel.
I think that if he notices he doesn't have his things, he can call you, can't he? He might not, if he's not in his right mind. If he's also paranoid he might think that not calling you is the best thing to do (unless he's going to call you because he's angry that you "didn't let him have his things" -- I'm sure he's conveniently forgotten that HE left the things in the car.)
Imagine if you went back to the hotel with his things, gave them to him, and he was so high that he left the hotel at some point and left his backpack there. In his state, it's very possible that he'll lose his backpack or other things. I think he needs to be in a shelter with support services, not a hotel.
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Originally Posted by OpheliaKatz 
I don't know if this is the right thing to do, but I would drive back to the hotel and give him his stuff. Or I would contact a friend or a sponsor and ask them to contact him. That is what I did when I separated. But maybe that is wrong. Perhaps that is enabling?
I think that if he notices he doesn't have his things, he can call you, can't he? He might not, if he's not in his right mind. If he's also paranoid he might think that not calling you is the best thing to do (unless he's going to call you because he's angry that you "didn't let him have his things" -- I'm sure he's conveniently forgotten that HE left the things in the car.)
Imagine if you went back to the hotel with his things, gave them to him, and he was so high that he left the hotel at some point and left his backpack there. In his state, it's very possible that he'll lose his backpack or other things. I think he needs to be in a shelter with support services, not a hotel.
I think that if he notices he doesn't have his things, he can call you, can't he? He might not, if he's not in his right mind. If he's also paranoid he might think that not calling you is the best thing to do (unless he's going to call you because he's angry that you "didn't let him have his things" -- I'm sure he's conveniently forgotten that HE left the things in the car.)
Imagine if you went back to the hotel with his things, gave them to him, and he was so high that he left the hotel at some point and left his backpack there. In his state, it's very possible that he'll lose his backpack or other things. I think he needs to be in a shelter with support services, not a hotel.
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I am thinking about just bringing some groceries from home that he has bought, some clothes and toiletries, and see what he asks for later. He did manage to get a phone charger apparently bc he is still on social media acting like he is high. I emptied our bank account so we could pay the bills (he hasn't noticed yet).
I don't think he will get violent. He is all "Peace, man" creepy. This addiction is relatively new so I know that could change.
I don't think he will get violent. He is all "Peace, man" creepy. This addiction is relatively new so I know that could change.
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Originally Posted by dejavuwife
So this is where I feel uncomfortable--he is at this hotel with NOTHING but the clothes on his back and his cell phone (and he left his charger in my car, too, so that may not work either). I mean, I am ok with him sleeping there now, but I mean what is ok to provide tomorrow that is not enabling?
He left that stuff in your car in order to keep you hooked. He knew that he could manipulate you with his apparent helplessness.
You can choose to stop playing his game. Maybe instead of worrying about him and what he is lacking, you could go to a Naranon meeting? Or speak to a lawyer about what your options are?
Nothing will change until one of you changes his / her habitual pattern of reacting.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
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D,
I agree with the other posters. He had packed the back pack because this is what he needed. Drop it off at the hotel and have them call up that it is there. He is a grown man and you don't need to feed him.
So do you have a plan? You put him in the hotel but you took out the money to pay bills. How is the hotel going to be paid for? Does he have cc that he can charge stuff to or cash advance? Maybe this will be his rock bottom, but probably not. What is your next step?
I agree with the other posters. He had packed the back pack because this is what he needed. Drop it off at the hotel and have them call up that it is there. He is a grown man and you don't need to feed him.
So do you have a plan? You put him in the hotel but you took out the money to pay bills. How is the hotel going to be paid for? Does he have cc that he can charge stuff to or cash advance? Maybe this will be his rock bottom, but probably not. What is your next step?
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Join Date: Sep 2017
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Originally Posted by maia1234
D,
I agree with the other posters. He had packed the back pack because this is what he needed. Drop it off at the hotel and have them call up that it is there. He is a grown man and you don't need to feed him.
So do you have a plan? You put him in the hotel but you took out the money to pay bills. How is the hotel going to be paid for? Does he have cc that he can charge stuff to or cash advance? Maybe this will be his rock bottom, but probably not. What is your next step?
I agree with the other posters. He had packed the back pack because this is what he needed. Drop it off at the hotel and have them call up that it is there. He is a grown man and you don't need to feed him.
So do you have a plan? You put him in the hotel but you took out the money to pay bills. How is the hotel going to be paid for? Does he have cc that he can charge stuff to or cash advance? Maybe this will be his rock bottom, but probably not. What is your next step?
He did come back home early in the morning trying to find his wallet and keys, but I had moved them, and he was too messed up to look. I posted an update.
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