Feeling at my worst
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 223
Feeling at my worst
Haven't posted in a while but have still been checking in and reading regularly.
AH and I started the divorce process 2 months ago. I wrote in previous posts about his intermittent binge drinking. Also how he changed jobs and is going back to school.
Now I am back to questioning everything. I feel like he is making me look like an idiot. Of course since he has started school he's doing wonderfully. He has still taken no significant steps towards any actual recovery program. Since he started school even less so (goes to a mtg once every few weeks as convenient). I still feel like the man is a ticking time bomb. It's not a matter of if he will drink again but when.
We are starting to talk to realtors to sell my BEAUTIFUL supposed to be forever home. That's been super hard on me. All the crazy thoughts start coming back like "maybe life with him isn't so bad", "maybe he really is better this time", "maybe we should call the whole thing off and give it more time." This is seriously way harder than I expected.
To top it off- my support systems seriously suck. I never thought that would be the case. I go to therapy regularly and it kind of helps. My family is not capable of being supportive however. They just constantly put up road blocks. Such as I found a good home for one of my animals (with a friend) and they are mad I'm not keeping him. They constantly defend AH and think he is the greatest thing since sliced bread. I was leaning on a coworker quite a bit and got the "no offense but these conversations are becoming exhausting" recently. Of course AH has all the support in the world already and regularly sucks people in with his victim card.
This is just so manipulating, emotional, painful, isolating, lonely, confusing, and scary.
Any words of encouragement or wisdom welcome.
AH and I started the divorce process 2 months ago. I wrote in previous posts about his intermittent binge drinking. Also how he changed jobs and is going back to school.
Now I am back to questioning everything. I feel like he is making me look like an idiot. Of course since he has started school he's doing wonderfully. He has still taken no significant steps towards any actual recovery program. Since he started school even less so (goes to a mtg once every few weeks as convenient). I still feel like the man is a ticking time bomb. It's not a matter of if he will drink again but when.
We are starting to talk to realtors to sell my BEAUTIFUL supposed to be forever home. That's been super hard on me. All the crazy thoughts start coming back like "maybe life with him isn't so bad", "maybe he really is better this time", "maybe we should call the whole thing off and give it more time." This is seriously way harder than I expected.
To top it off- my support systems seriously suck. I never thought that would be the case. I go to therapy regularly and it kind of helps. My family is not capable of being supportive however. They just constantly put up road blocks. Such as I found a good home for one of my animals (with a friend) and they are mad I'm not keeping him. They constantly defend AH and think he is the greatest thing since sliced bread. I was leaning on a coworker quite a bit and got the "no offense but these conversations are becoming exhausting" recently. Of course AH has all the support in the world already and regularly sucks people in with his victim card.
This is just so manipulating, emotional, painful, isolating, lonely, confusing, and scary.
Any words of encouragement or wisdom welcome.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,009
Ugh Batchel, this sounds super tough. When I was in the thick of things I just lived 10 minutes at a time. As the significant other with my AXBF, I saw what was coming long before others did.
Good on ya for coming here and posting. Has Alanon been any help for you?
Good on ya for coming here and posting. Has Alanon been any help for you?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
That sounds like a pretty stressful situation to be in, especially because you're dealing with the contradictions between what you know to be true - that being married to AH is not good for you - and what others are telling you (give him a chance, he's really gotten serious since he went back to school, etc). It's especially hard if you can see that he's manipulative (because you know how he operates) while others don't. Stick to your truth. It does sound like it's a question of when-not-if. Remind yourself that you have thought about this deeply and you're doing the right thing. Sending you wishes for strength!
Member
Join Date: May 2016
Location: east coast
Posts: 532
I understand- I have had similar thoughts. I miss my beautiful home. If I went back, it would be with full knowledge that it would be the wrong thing to do for me and I would just continue to live with abuse and drunkenness. Sounds harsh... but rings true.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I am sorry friend. It sounds to me like it's time to widen your own support system. Do you attend any meetings?
I caution you to think he is doing so wonderful. On the outside my XAH looks to be doing great. Remarried, has a good job, etc. What you don't see is that he still drinks like a fish, is suffering physically from it, fights w/his wife all the time, and is the same ol person he always has been, and it's not a good one.
Hugs to you.
I caution you to think he is doing so wonderful. On the outside my XAH looks to be doing great. Remarried, has a good job, etc. What you don't see is that he still drinks like a fish, is suffering physically from it, fights w/his wife all the time, and is the same ol person he always has been, and it's not a good one.
Hugs to you.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
batchel, the truth will eventually come out about your XAH. I feel the same about mine--he appears so pleasant, so friendly, so happy, he has a job and an apartment, and I'm sure he doesn't tell people the real reason we split. I'm sure people don't understand why I'd leave such a nice guy.
I'm fortunate in that I have no contact w/his family or friends, so I don't have to put up w/the disbelief that he was "that bad." My family liked him a lot too, but they totally believed me when I told them what had been going on all those years.
I would doubt that your XAH can keep up this front forever. For the last year or so, XAH and I have been on friendly terms, where we talk on the phone regularly and he stops over for coffee once or twice a month. He has helped me w/a few small household projects that I don't have tools or knowledge for. And I've been grateful.
However, this past spring he started cleaning up a large piece of shop equipment he has in the basement. I had originally told him everything had to be out by the beginning of 2016. Then I said "OK, it's winter, and you're injured, so it can wait till spring of 2016." Well, that turned to the spring of 2017. He came and worked on it for several weeks in a row, and then in a totally characteristic pattern, he stopped doing anything on it. For months. (I have a half-finished garage about 12 years old and a half-finished bathroom, over 20 years old, as testaments to this pattern.)
When I suggested that he should get back w/the program before it's winter again, he showed up last weekend and did a little more. I asked how long till it would be out. Long story short, he wants to sell it and so has hours of "cleaning" to do yet, then wants to eventually put it in the garage so people can plug it in, etc., to try before buying. Um, NO--my CAR goes in the garage.
Remember what they say about finding out how an A is really doing by telling him/her no? Oh boy, what a textbook example! Not only was there a snit on the spot but later emails about how I need to stop calling him b/c "it's impossible to move ahead when you're chained to the past." Followed by emails asking me to "be his friend."
Thank the lord for recovery and experience. This rocked me a bit, but it didn't tip me over, not by a long shot. Now that I see the leopard's spots have not changed, I will change my course.
And batchel, I truly think your XAH is going to show his spots sooner rather than later, too. Better you stand back so you don't get anything smelly on you...I'm sorry for the loss of your house, but as someone who is living in a house that carries a heavy imprint of XAH, I will say that you may be getting a gift in disguise. You're feeling bad now, but you'll feel better in time--really you will.
I'm fortunate in that I have no contact w/his family or friends, so I don't have to put up w/the disbelief that he was "that bad." My family liked him a lot too, but they totally believed me when I told them what had been going on all those years.
I would doubt that your XAH can keep up this front forever. For the last year or so, XAH and I have been on friendly terms, where we talk on the phone regularly and he stops over for coffee once or twice a month. He has helped me w/a few small household projects that I don't have tools or knowledge for. And I've been grateful.
However, this past spring he started cleaning up a large piece of shop equipment he has in the basement. I had originally told him everything had to be out by the beginning of 2016. Then I said "OK, it's winter, and you're injured, so it can wait till spring of 2016." Well, that turned to the spring of 2017. He came and worked on it for several weeks in a row, and then in a totally characteristic pattern, he stopped doing anything on it. For months. (I have a half-finished garage about 12 years old and a half-finished bathroom, over 20 years old, as testaments to this pattern.)
When I suggested that he should get back w/the program before it's winter again, he showed up last weekend and did a little more. I asked how long till it would be out. Long story short, he wants to sell it and so has hours of "cleaning" to do yet, then wants to eventually put it in the garage so people can plug it in, etc., to try before buying. Um, NO--my CAR goes in the garage.
Remember what they say about finding out how an A is really doing by telling him/her no? Oh boy, what a textbook example! Not only was there a snit on the spot but later emails about how I need to stop calling him b/c "it's impossible to move ahead when you're chained to the past." Followed by emails asking me to "be his friend."
Thank the lord for recovery and experience. This rocked me a bit, but it didn't tip me over, not by a long shot. Now that I see the leopard's spots have not changed, I will change my course.
And batchel, I truly think your XAH is going to show his spots sooner rather than later, too. Better you stand back so you don't get anything smelly on you...I'm sorry for the loss of your house, but as someone who is living in a house that carries a heavy imprint of XAH, I will say that you may be getting a gift in disguise. You're feeling bad now, but you'll feel better in time--really you will.
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