Stacy0701

I am married to a functioning alcoholic. I define that by he goes to work & most would never know he drinks. He drinks alone, never passes out or never is at homes stumbling or slurring but it has affected & continues to affect our marriage in a bad way because I am the one who knows the truth. My husband admits he has a problem & says he wants to quit. He says I might not be the reason he started but he is the reason he does not quit. I do not take blame for I have educated myself on the addiction. A week ago Saturday he decided to stop drinking, did not tell me & by the end of the weekend was mad at me for whatever expectations he had in his head which I am still not sure of. So I have received the silent treatment all week & last night he said he felt it would be best to move out. He wants the quick fix & has said he would go to counseling with me but does not understand the drinking has to be taken care of first. Last night he just blamed me that I never put into this marriage for years the things he needed. That I put our kids first & never made time for him. Is there anyway to help him understand that he has to deal with drinking 1st & then we can work on our marriage & none of this will be quick as it took us years to get to this place. Sometimes I think it would be easier for him to move out while he quits for he just has unrealistic expectations on me & our marriage. He also is quitting on his own & does not feel the need for help from anyone else & said he has to do it his way! I can financially support myself & I am O.K with being alone but I would love to see him stay on this track of quitting if he could stop fighting with me in the mean time. I know this is all over the place. Any thoughts, advice, what worked for you?

icandothis20

Sorry to hear you are going through this- when we do decide to quit, a lot of anger and past resentment can come out. However, do you think that if he moves out and is alone he will be like... well... I can drink now and no one will know? Our alcoholic voice is very very strong.

Is he still not drinking as of now? I do agree he needs to get his drinking figured first, then the marriage, as that is a lot on his plate right now.

I know a lot of SR will be here with probably better answers than mine, very soon.

SimplyFree

I've been the angry husband in our marriage. I started drinking for several reasons. The disappointment of my marriage, yes. Getting older and realizing that I wasn't going to have a true love. I was mourning the death of my illusion....still causes me deep sadness. BUT choosing to drink was my choice, continuing to drink was my choice, ultimately choosing to stop was also my choice. My resolve is whatever my circumstances are, drinking is off the table. But nearly 5 months sober, my head is clear, my kids are happier, I've come to terms knowing my wife is a good person, she is happier that I'm not drinking. I sleep in the basement on a couch for the last 5+ years, I doubt that will change. I won't blame my wife for not meeting my personal illusions. We are just different. So we raise kids, have a business relationship, I am committed to being as kind as possible. I was able to let things go when I realized she wasn't holding out. It just wasn't within her ability. It isn't a fairytale story, I would do anything for my kids.....even put my illusions to death. I'm off to help with math homework.

D122y

Staci,

My wife would ignore me when I drank too much.

I did some bad thing fighting w her routinely when I was drinking.

I broke things and would scream so loud sometimes. It was a nightmare.

We don't fight like we used to anymore.

Being sober changes everything dramatically.

My son was 11 when I quit, he is 14 now. He knows all about my drinking.

It helps to keep me sober knowing I will let my family down if I relapse.

Sounds like there is hope in your family.

If your husband can get clean, things should change for the better.

He has to want it, otherwise it will not work.

Prayers.

Thanks.

Gottalife

There is no such thing as a functioning alcoholic. There is the alcoholic in the functional stage, but it is a stage and not a type of alcoholism. All stages are eventually passed through until we get to end stage. Then there are only two options left.