Social anxiety without booze
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 70
Social anxiety without booze
36 days sober and I still feel lost, edgy, vulnerable, disconnected, awkward and fidgety when I go out socialising in the evening. Tonight, I met up with some really lovely friends for dinner. They don't drink to excess like me and I envied their giddiness as they tasted which beer they were going to enjoy, in their beautiful beer glass.
The atmosphere was buzzy and people were enjoying an after work chat and beer/wine. It all seemed so civilised and normal. All looking forward to their weekends, getting nice and merry, It was just me, the agitated one, looking enviously at all the others, feeling like an outsider, no longer allowed into this casual, 'wind down after work' get all 'cosy and connected' group.
It took me a good hour to relax and for my guard to come down with my group. However, I can recall feeling like this before...I've always felt anxious when I first meet up with people socially....my negative thoughts go into overdrive....but, I'd always drink to calm the nerves and ease me into the night. I don't have that Crux anymore and I have to ride the agonising wave of anxiety without the numbing agent.
The thing is, I DID ride the wave and eased into it so it WAS possible. It just felt sooooooo uncomfortable. I think the message is that I need to work so damn hard on that part of me that is so anxious, has such low self esteem. I want to be able to go out and feel a natural high, be engrossed in conversation, be in the moment, without feeling edgy, distracted and needing a drink to enjoy it. I dream of this. Sorry for the ramble...just good to let it out to people who understand.
The atmosphere was buzzy and people were enjoying an after work chat and beer/wine. It all seemed so civilised and normal. All looking forward to their weekends, getting nice and merry, It was just me, the agitated one, looking enviously at all the others, feeling like an outsider, no longer allowed into this casual, 'wind down after work' get all 'cosy and connected' group.
It took me a good hour to relax and for my guard to come down with my group. However, I can recall feeling like this before...I've always felt anxious when I first meet up with people socially....my negative thoughts go into overdrive....but, I'd always drink to calm the nerves and ease me into the night. I don't have that Crux anymore and I have to ride the agonising wave of anxiety without the numbing agent.
The thing is, I DID ride the wave and eased into it so it WAS possible. It just felt sooooooo uncomfortable. I think the message is that I need to work so damn hard on that part of me that is so anxious, has such low self esteem. I want to be able to go out and feel a natural high, be engrossed in conversation, be in the moment, without feeling edgy, distracted and needing a drink to enjoy it. I dream of this. Sorry for the ramble...just good to let it out to people who understand.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,937
I wish I could tell you there was a magic shortcut, Georgie. In the beginning of sobriety it's simply awkward to be around drinking when you're sober. Besides, everyone is wired differently when it comes to socialization. Some people aren't comfortable in social settings and use alcohol to self-medicate. I can't give you a 100% effective cure for anxiety but I can tell you that if drinking is the cure then your cure can be worse than the disease!
Hang in there! Generally the unease of early sobriety will give way to a lot more relaxed and confident self once you get a bit of sober time under your belt.
Hang in there! Generally the unease of early sobriety will give way to a lot more relaxed and confident self once you get a bit of sober time under your belt.
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Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 40
I have suffered with shyness/social anxiety for as long as I can remember from my childhood to today. That was one of the things about Alchohol that I really liked. I would be at a party and at first I would stand in a corner but a few drinks in and I was all of the sudden talking to folks, socializing and having a good time. However, my desire to drink more and keep going then led me over a tipping point where I found myself isolating and unable to carry on decent conversation. Just tonight after an AA meeting I found myself being awkward and couldn't really get into a conversation with members afterward. So I just said a quick goodbye to a couple of people and left. And I'm starting to learn that is OK! Sometimes, I actually have found myself getting comfortable with folks (normally in a smaller setting) and I now treasure those times because I'm doing it sober and I'm my honest self. Just know that for those of us who do suffer with social anxiety it is totally Ok when it is awkward and there is always another day and another chance to try again! I agree though with Myth that for me, right now, I don't think I could be in a setting with others drinking (even very moderately) and feel comfortable as I would most likely be focusing way too much on the drinks, the envy of normal drinkers, etc. I have been trying to reach out to friends to do activities that don't involve drinking and also connecting with new folks in the meetings. Everyone and every situation is unique but that is what has been working for me at the moment!
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,443
I dunno about anyone else but social anxiety was one of the reasons I started drinking in the first place.
I didn't like who I was and I felt like drinking might loosen my inhibitions and make me appear a more attractive person.
(that never happened - I just turned into a loud obnoxious embarrassing drunk - but thats another story)
When I got sober I had to deal with a lot of things I 'd tried to paper over by drinking.
One of those things was learning to socialise and be sociable without drinking.
The other people drinking thing was the easiest thing to fix to be honest.
It seemed to stop bugging me the longer I stayed sober and the more I built a sober life I loved.
I got to a point where I didn't want to drink - I preferred being sober.
That didn't happen overnight, but it did happen
As for fitting in socially....
I'm never going to be the guy who holds the party spellbound with jokes and anecdotes. I accept that now.
I'm not a very social person, to be honest. ...but I can be a good listener, Ican follow a conversation and I can make an effort to be friendly and make others feel at ease.
It will happen for you too Georgie - we gave years to our drinking - give this some time too
D
I didn't like who I was and I felt like drinking might loosen my inhibitions and make me appear a more attractive person.
(that never happened - I just turned into a loud obnoxious embarrassing drunk - but thats another story)
When I got sober I had to deal with a lot of things I 'd tried to paper over by drinking.
One of those things was learning to socialise and be sociable without drinking.
The other people drinking thing was the easiest thing to fix to be honest.
It seemed to stop bugging me the longer I stayed sober and the more I built a sober life I loved.
I got to a point where I didn't want to drink - I preferred being sober.
That didn't happen overnight, but it did happen
As for fitting in socially....
I'm never going to be the guy who holds the party spellbound with jokes and anecdotes. I accept that now.
I'm not a very social person, to be honest. ...but I can be a good listener, Ican follow a conversation and I can make an effort to be friendly and make others feel at ease.
It will happen for you too Georgie - we gave years to our drinking - give this some time too
D
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,298
If I had friends I would probably enjoy good conversation somewhere, but I guess social isn't my strong suit. I've come to understand and accept the realities in my life. It has been effective to spend time fixing things, working on systems instead of trying to be a social butterfly. Just accepting that lowered my stress and anxiety a lot.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 1,518
Georgie123
Dee
Simply Free
Almost all that you wrote is so very like my story .
Drinking took the shyness away temprarily but eventually even that didn't work . When my buddies in my pre marraige years went to the disco as it was called back then I was more comfortable in my little local pub with older company playing pool or darts . My goodness I could write a novel on how social anxiety has ruled my life not just in a drinking sense but in work too . I used to work as a pharmaceutical analyst and the had many meetings and training sessions and every single time I was a mess with nerves .
I don't have many freinds as such except guys I knew from AA and 2 or 3 people I can chat to while out walking .
I,m 60 and this should have been resolved by now you would think but I still srtuggle with company .
Dee
Simply Free
Almost all that you wrote is so very like my story .
Drinking took the shyness away temprarily but eventually even that didn't work . When my buddies in my pre marraige years went to the disco as it was called back then I was more comfortable in my little local pub with older company playing pool or darts . My goodness I could write a novel on how social anxiety has ruled my life not just in a drinking sense but in work too . I used to work as a pharmaceutical analyst and the had many meetings and training sessions and every single time I was a mess with nerves .
I don't have many freinds as such except guys I knew from AA and 2 or 3 people I can chat to while out walking .
I,m 60 and this should have been resolved by now you would think but I still srtuggle with company .
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
Good job on 36 days. If you can remain sober the feeling of being uncomfortable around people drinking will go away. Its very liberating actually, but it certainly does not happen overnight. Hang in there.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 70
Originally Posted by sylvie83 
This this and this again!
Brilliant stuff!
When it starts to shift you'll be in a stronger position than any of the people who need a drink to get to that point
Very best of luck.
Great post. Great thinking. Even if you did have to feel uncomfortable at the start of the night out to get here.
Brilliant stuff!
When it starts to shift you'll be in a stronger position than any of the people who need a drink to get to that point
Very best of luck.
Great post. Great thinking. Even if you did have to feel uncomfortable at the start of the night out to get here.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 3,293
I totally understand what you are going through. Social anxiety is a serious problem. It can make a big difference in a persons quality of life.
It's much more serious than just being a little nervous. It can control your life. Things are better for me, but I know I will always have to deal with this at some level. But I have found ways to minimize it's effect on my life.
1. know and accept my limitations. This is a tough one cause accepting limitations can mean keeping yourself in a box.
2. being willing to test those limitations and push yourself beyond what you thought you could deal with. For me, this was a slow process. Example: took a kayaking lesson. Didn't like it, but I did it.
3. get out as much as you can. I know for me, the longer I stay to myself, the tougher it is to get out and be around people. Even if I have nothing to do with people, just being around them makes a big difference. I go to a gym, catch a movie, etc. Even talking to someone at the grocery store helps.
4. Accept the fact that I will never be a social butterfly. I was when I drank and drugged, but that wasn't the true me. I have to accept the fact that I am a private person and will always be. Nothing wrong with that.
5. medications: I do take medications for both anxiety and depression. I don't see anything wrong with that.
6. drinking will only make things worse. For me, drinking means isolating, increased anxiety and depression and keeps me from having a rewarding life.
7. don't beat yourself up being someone you are not. Love yourself for who you are.
8. know you are not alone.
John
It's much more serious than just being a little nervous. It can control your life. Things are better for me, but I know I will always have to deal with this at some level. But I have found ways to minimize it's effect on my life.
1. know and accept my limitations. This is a tough one cause accepting limitations can mean keeping yourself in a box.
2. being willing to test those limitations and push yourself beyond what you thought you could deal with. For me, this was a slow process. Example: took a kayaking lesson. Didn't like it, but I did it.
3. get out as much as you can. I know for me, the longer I stay to myself, the tougher it is to get out and be around people. Even if I have nothing to do with people, just being around them makes a big difference. I go to a gym, catch a movie, etc. Even talking to someone at the grocery store helps.
4. Accept the fact that I will never be a social butterfly. I was when I drank and drugged, but that wasn't the true me. I have to accept the fact that I am a private person and will always be. Nothing wrong with that.
5. medications: I do take medications for both anxiety and depression. I don't see anything wrong with that.
6. drinking will only make things worse. For me, drinking means isolating, increased anxiety and depression and keeps me from having a rewarding life.
7. don't beat yourself up being someone you are not. Love yourself for who you are.
8. know you are not alone.
John
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
Gosh it's so helpful to read about how others feel the same as I do. I am nervous, shy and socially anxious which was precisely why I started drinking.
I've learned though that I'm not the life and soul of the party, I never will be and that's ok. Being quiet is ok-no-one thinks I'm bad or boring or unfriendly. It's just me. I don't like being in a large group. As someone else said, learning how to be true to yourself is so important and you don't need alcohol to be that person
I've learned though that I'm not the life and soul of the party, I never will be and that's ok. Being quiet is ok-no-one thinks I'm bad or boring or unfriendly. It's just me. I don't like being in a large group. As someone else said, learning how to be true to yourself is so important and you don't need alcohol to be that person
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: 45th Parallel, Michigan
Posts: 816
I feel way more connected to people here on a website, virtual strangers, than I do with even family members and friends I see or speak to regularly. I can entertain a small crowd of people with my humor and personality...but it's just a show, and a way to feel less insecure about myself. When I come home to my empty house and my lonely life, I log on here and feel some genuine connection, usually just by reading others' thoughts and feelings, and knowing I'll be understood on the rare occasion (like this) when I share something about myself.
I don't know where I'd be without this place, honestly!
I don't know where I'd be without this place, honestly!
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 1,518
Georgie 123 your thread is very helpful .
I would like to see a poll on how many people are socially awkward .
For me I sometimes white knuckle a visit from my brother and his family even .
Yet! and heres a srtrange thing ! just say I was on the high street and decided on a coffe at starbucks I could chat to a complete stranger quite comfortably .
I would like to see a poll on how many people are socially awkward .
For me I sometimes white knuckle a visit from my brother and his family even .
Yet! and heres a srtrange thing ! just say I was on the high street and decided on a coffe at starbucks I could chat to a complete stranger quite comfortably .
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 70
[QUOTE=Arpeggioh;6600328]I feel way more connected to people here on a website, virtual strangers, than I do with even family members and friends I see or speak to regularly. I can entertain a small crowd of people with my humor and personality...but it's just a show, and a way to feel less insecure about myself. When I come home to my empty house and my lonely life, I log on here and feel some genuine connection, usually just by reading others' thoughts and feelings, and knowing I'll be understood on the rare occasion (like this) when I share something about myself.
I don't know where I'd be without this place, honestly
I know what you mean. It really is all about connection for me too. Without booze, I can't pretend anymore. I too love this site. Thanks for posting
I don't know where I'd be without this place, honestly
I know what you mean. It really is all about connection for me too. Without booze, I can't pretend anymore. I too love this site. Thanks for posting
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 70
Originally Posted by Thomas59
Georgie 123 your thread is very helpful .
I would like to see a poll on how many people are socially awkward .
For me I sometimes white knuckle a visit from my brother and his family even .
Yet! and heres a srtrange thing ! just say I was on the high street and decided on a coffe at starbucks I could chat to a complete stranger quite comfortably .
I would like to see a poll on how many people are socially awkward .
For me I sometimes white knuckle a visit from my brother and his family even .
Yet! and heres a srtrange thing ! just say I was on the high street and decided on a coffe at starbucks I could chat to a complete stranger quite comfortably .
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