Alcoholic Dad, kid angry with Mom
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
Alcoholic Dad, kid angry with Mom
Hi adult children of alcoholics,
I wonder if you might have some insight to share in my situation.
Very long story short: I'm not an alcoholic, but I was married to/living with one for 25 years. We have been separated/divorced for 4 years. We have one kid, 12 years old. At first Kid alternated weeks between me and her father but as his disease progressed she spent more time with me. Earlier this summer there was a drunk-driving incident with her in the car; since then she has lived 100% with me. Her father has been getting steadily worse (he's lost his health, his second marriage, his finances, his career and most of his friends, is a rehab and psych ward frequent flyer and has had police involvement as a result of drinking). He also engages in the emotional manipulation associated with addiction and mental illness, particularly deception and triangulation.
Kid loves her dad and Dad loves Kid. When he's not drunk, he's a fun father (of the Disneyland Dad variety - buys her anything she wants, lets her do whatever she wants). However, since the most recent drunk-driving incident it has become clear that he cannot keep her safe. Kid has two-hour supervised visits with him a couple of times a week. Dad has recently agreed to SoberLink monitoring as a condition of increasing access to Kid.
Kid is mad at me because she sees me as the obstacle that keeps her from seeing her father. She's 12, so adolescence is setting in with hormones and mood swings anyway. Kid is enabled in this behavior by her father, who tells her (in text messages) that I'm an a**hole and a b**ch, that I'm malicious and controlling because I am keeping them apart. (He's pretty open about this - tells other people, including my lawyer, that he encourages Kid to "express her anger at her mother").
Kid knows her father has a substance abuse problem, but she desperately wants to believe that everything will be okay, so when he tells her that he's stopped drinking for real this time, she believes it. Kid also doesn't know everything that I know about his behavior, especially the psychiatric aspects, and about the severity of his addiction. From her perspective, Dad has said he won't drink any more so why can't Mom just trust him and let me stay at his place? Why is Mom punishing me just because she's mad at Dad?
So I'm getting glares, the silent treatment, and general stomping around from Kid. I am worried that this could escalate into full-on alienation, that Kid will be so convinced of Dad's story that she'll develop a genuine hatred of me. The triangulation here is pretty obvious: Kid and Fun Dad versus Mean Mom.
For those of you who grew up with an alcoholic parent - did you go through this? Did you find yourself aligning with the addicted parent and pushing away the sober one who was trying to hold things together? And maybe most important: did you ever get past it? Did you get to a point where you understood "okay, Mom (or Dad) wasn't being a b**ch, s/he was trying to protect me"? Or "now I understand more about what was going on when I was so angry at Mom/Dad"?
Kid is pretty smart, and I'm hoping she's noticed how her father talks about me, how I talk about her father, and what the difference is. I also hope she notices which parent shows up and does the work of parenting and which one is all about the fun (and regularly disappears into a bottle). I realize this is probably too much to expect from a kid of her age. But I am really looking for hope for the future, because I don't want to be distanced and at odds with my daughter for years to come.
I wonder if you might have some insight to share in my situation.
Very long story short: I'm not an alcoholic, but I was married to/living with one for 25 years. We have been separated/divorced for 4 years. We have one kid, 12 years old. At first Kid alternated weeks between me and her father but as his disease progressed she spent more time with me. Earlier this summer there was a drunk-driving incident with her in the car; since then she has lived 100% with me. Her father has been getting steadily worse (he's lost his health, his second marriage, his finances, his career and most of his friends, is a rehab and psych ward frequent flyer and has had police involvement as a result of drinking). He also engages in the emotional manipulation associated with addiction and mental illness, particularly deception and triangulation.
Kid loves her dad and Dad loves Kid. When he's not drunk, he's a fun father (of the Disneyland Dad variety - buys her anything she wants, lets her do whatever she wants). However, since the most recent drunk-driving incident it has become clear that he cannot keep her safe. Kid has two-hour supervised visits with him a couple of times a week. Dad has recently agreed to SoberLink monitoring as a condition of increasing access to Kid.
Kid is mad at me because she sees me as the obstacle that keeps her from seeing her father. She's 12, so adolescence is setting in with hormones and mood swings anyway. Kid is enabled in this behavior by her father, who tells her (in text messages) that I'm an a**hole and a b**ch, that I'm malicious and controlling because I am keeping them apart. (He's pretty open about this - tells other people, including my lawyer, that he encourages Kid to "express her anger at her mother").
Kid knows her father has a substance abuse problem, but she desperately wants to believe that everything will be okay, so when he tells her that he's stopped drinking for real this time, she believes it. Kid also doesn't know everything that I know about his behavior, especially the psychiatric aspects, and about the severity of his addiction. From her perspective, Dad has said he won't drink any more so why can't Mom just trust him and let me stay at his place? Why is Mom punishing me just because she's mad at Dad?
So I'm getting glares, the silent treatment, and general stomping around from Kid. I am worried that this could escalate into full-on alienation, that Kid will be so convinced of Dad's story that she'll develop a genuine hatred of me. The triangulation here is pretty obvious: Kid and Fun Dad versus Mean Mom.
For those of you who grew up with an alcoholic parent - did you go through this? Did you find yourself aligning with the addicted parent and pushing away the sober one who was trying to hold things together? And maybe most important: did you ever get past it? Did you get to a point where you understood "okay, Mom (or Dad) wasn't being a b**ch, s/he was trying to protect me"? Or "now I understand more about what was going on when I was so angry at Mom/Dad"?
Kid is pretty smart, and I'm hoping she's noticed how her father talks about me, how I talk about her father, and what the difference is. I also hope she notices which parent shows up and does the work of parenting and which one is all about the fun (and regularly disappears into a bottle). I realize this is probably too much to expect from a kid of her age. But I am really looking for hope for the future, because I don't want to be distanced and at odds with my daughter for years to come.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
In my case, my mother glossed over all of it. Happy, happy, joy, joy nothing to see here, la la la, such a happy family!!!!
And she is an extremely intelligent woman in every other way.
My love for her is tempered by the fact that she never stepped up, never acknowledged our needs as children to feel safe, never protected us because to do so would mean facing the elephant in every room. In an environment where kids KNOW something is very wrong, it does a ton of damage to be told continually that it isn't.
I love her, but I don't really trust her.
Your daughter is dealing with her own denial, her father's manipulation, and the special fun that comes with being a tween. But what she WILL know, eventually, is that you were doing everything you could to protect her, no matter what the cost or pain to you. You have her back. It may take a long time for her to see that, but it's invaluable.
And she is an extremely intelligent woman in every other way.
My love for her is tempered by the fact that she never stepped up, never acknowledged our needs as children to feel safe, never protected us because to do so would mean facing the elephant in every room. In an environment where kids KNOW something is very wrong, it does a ton of damage to be told continually that it isn't.
I love her, but I don't really trust her.
Your daughter is dealing with her own denial, her father's manipulation, and the special fun that comes with being a tween. But what she WILL know, eventually, is that you were doing everything you could to protect her, no matter what the cost or pain to you. You have her back. It may take a long time for her to see that, but it's invaluable.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Manitoba, Canada
Posts: 168
I was much younger than your daughter, but when I was 5 (I think almost 6) my mom packed us up and left my dad who was heavy into drinking and drug use - as well as threatening harm to both himself and her. I hated her for it, and I told her so many times. We came back about a year later and the hard drugs stopped but the alcohol did not. I resented her years later for coming back.
Although she's 12, she's still a child. I was 16 when I assumed my dad's alcoholism was because God hated me (I know this isn't true but just giving you an idea of how innocent the child's mind is).
Keep doing what you're doing. She WILL be grateful for it one day.
Although she's 12, she's still a child. I was 16 when I assumed my dad's alcoholism was because God hated me (I know this isn't true but just giving you an idea of how innocent the child's mind is).
Keep doing what you're doing. She WILL be grateful for it one day.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Have you thought about counseling for the two of you together? (kid and you)
When we had family problems, divorce, alcohol use, my mother sent ME to counseling. We needed to be there together; my mother just shut me down with rules and condescension. I refused to talk to the counselor. Even at 13 (my age at the time) I knew it was about all of us - or at least about the relationship between my mother and I, since we lived together and we could not get along. It's never one person.
We just kept escalating until I ran away at 15. I couldn't deal any more - but it wasn't just me. Know what I mean?
I don't know how your discussions with your daughter go, but it probably would benefit from a referee/a calm discussion instead of escalating discord.
When we had family problems, divorce, alcohol use, my mother sent ME to counseling. We needed to be there together; my mother just shut me down with rules and condescension. I refused to talk to the counselor. Even at 13 (my age at the time) I knew it was about all of us - or at least about the relationship between my mother and I, since we lived together and we could not get along. It's never one person.
We just kept escalating until I ran away at 15. I couldn't deal any more - but it wasn't just me. Know what I mean?
I don't know how your discussions with your daughter go, but it probably would benefit from a referee/a calm discussion instead of escalating discord.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hey Sasha,
I can't begin to imagine how hard this has been for you. I was never married to someone with addiction issues, and I have never had children. But I can say that just based on your posts, you seem to always interact with your daughter without getting into any sort of huge shouting match...there may be shouting and tears on her part, and some tears on yours, but just from your general style of posting, you do not seem to be someone with a hair trigger.
You probably check in with your daughter's counselor as needed, and I hope that her counselor has felt free to talk to you in the past and make you aware of anything troubling.
All I can say is that, in all likelihood, time is on your side. I hope you feel you can come here and vent your worries, fears, and frustrations to us anytime you feel the need so that you can be that strong, calm presence in your precious daughter's life.
I can't begin to imagine how hard this has been for you. I was never married to someone with addiction issues, and I have never had children. But I can say that just based on your posts, you seem to always interact with your daughter without getting into any sort of huge shouting match...there may be shouting and tears on her part, and some tears on yours, but just from your general style of posting, you do not seem to be someone with a hair trigger.
You probably check in with your daughter's counselor as needed, and I hope that her counselor has felt free to talk to you in the past and make you aware of anything troubling.
All I can say is that, in all likelihood, time is on your side. I hope you feel you can come here and vent your worries, fears, and frustrations to us anytime you feel the need so that you can be that strong, calm presence in your precious daughter's life.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hey, Sasha.
I think kids express their anger with the person with whom they feel safe.
She knows she can unload on you and that she can't, yet, on her dad.
Think of it as the long game.
When she is older, she'll understand why you are doing what you are doing.
Hang in there.
I think kids express their anger with the person with whom they feel safe.
She knows she can unload on you and that she can't, yet, on her dad.
Think of it as the long game.
When she is older, she'll understand why you are doing what you are doing.
Hang in there.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
Thanks everyone - I really appreciate your perspectives. This gives me motivation to stick with what I'm doing, even if it produces some frustration and upset on the part of Kid. She is starting at a new middle school tomorrow and her father hasn't communicated with her all weekend, ever since he failed a breathalyzer test last week (a condition of him having access to Kid - whole story is on the Friends & Family forum, for anyone who's interested). She wants me to text her father to ask if she can visit him tomorrow, I said I didn't think that was a good idea, and she stomped off. So it goes. I am really glad for the insight and perspectives of people on this site (and some real-life friends), without which it would be too easy to think "maybe Kid and ex are right and I really am being a control freak - sure, Kid, I'll drop you off at your father's tomorrow, probably there won't be a disaster".
I will look into seeing if I can attend a session with Kid's counsellor - not so the counsellor and I can gang up on Kid but so we can talk about this in a setting where Kid can't stomp off to her room, with a third party that Kid trusts.
I will look into seeing if I can attend a session with Kid's counsellor - not so the counsellor and I can gang up on Kid but so we can talk about this in a setting where Kid can't stomp off to her room, with a third party that Kid trusts.
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