Cocaine Advice...Do they ever come back or realize their mistake?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 16
Cocaine Advice...Do they ever come back or realize their mistake?
(I posted this in another area, but figured I would post it here since I'm a newbie)
Hello, I am new here. 28 year old woman. I really need some advice or thoughts about my situation.
4 months ago my addict ex left me. Here's the thing - I had NO idea he was an addict! We were together for 4+ years. I was devastated. The past 4 months of therapy have uncovered that for the last 8 months of our relationship, he had a cocaine problem. While I was blaming myself, my therapist said he left me because he wanted to freely do cocaine.
There are 2 things I am trying very hard to understand. I am not an addict, have never even smoked weed, and have never had addiction in my family.
#1 - How can you leave someone after 4+ years with absolutely NO remorse?? The break up was weird. He never gave me a reason. He kept kissing my head and then couldn't get away from me fast enough. He said it was the hardest thing he has ever done in his life. I lived with him (have no family out here by the way...and he knows that) never told me where to go, what the next steps were, nothing. I kept the dog and it is a HUGE responsibility. I now have my own place, but it's in a terrible area...I just can't afford anything else right now. Will he ever feel bad or realize what he's done?
#2 - From what I hear he has spiraled completely. I saw him at a wedding and he has easily lost 20 lbs., raspy voice, bloodshot eyes and his parents told me they pay for all his bills now because "he has no money." (and he makes good money.) From what I read, He also now suddenly has some kind of girlfriend, and I'm devastated and confused. Everything I read says addicts aren't capable of having relationships...so why is he in one when he hasn't even acknowledged the one he threw away?
Please help me in trying to understand this. He is definitely addicted to cocaine badly and potentially pain killers (those used to be his drug of choice when he was addicted before I met him, but I don't know what the signs of this would look like.)
I guess my question is...will he ever reach back out to me? Do cocaine addicts know that they abandon people to freely do cocaine? And why/how does he already have a gf?!
Hello, I am new here. 28 year old woman. I really need some advice or thoughts about my situation.
4 months ago my addict ex left me. Here's the thing - I had NO idea he was an addict! We were together for 4+ years. I was devastated. The past 4 months of therapy have uncovered that for the last 8 months of our relationship, he had a cocaine problem. While I was blaming myself, my therapist said he left me because he wanted to freely do cocaine.
There are 2 things I am trying very hard to understand. I am not an addict, have never even smoked weed, and have never had addiction in my family.
#1 - How can you leave someone after 4+ years with absolutely NO remorse?? The break up was weird. He never gave me a reason. He kept kissing my head and then couldn't get away from me fast enough. He said it was the hardest thing he has ever done in his life. I lived with him (have no family out here by the way...and he knows that) never told me where to go, what the next steps were, nothing. I kept the dog and it is a HUGE responsibility. I now have my own place, but it's in a terrible area...I just can't afford anything else right now. Will he ever feel bad or realize what he's done?
#2 - From what I hear he has spiraled completely. I saw him at a wedding and he has easily lost 20 lbs., raspy voice, bloodshot eyes and his parents told me they pay for all his bills now because "he has no money." (and he makes good money.) From what I read, He also now suddenly has some kind of girlfriend, and I'm devastated and confused. Everything I read says addicts aren't capable of having relationships...so why is he in one when he hasn't even acknowledged the one he threw away?
Please help me in trying to understand this. He is definitely addicted to cocaine badly and potentially pain killers (those used to be his drug of choice when he was addicted before I met him, but I don't know what the signs of this would look like.)
I guess my question is...will he ever reach back out to me? Do cocaine addicts know that they abandon people to freely do cocaine? And why/how does he already have a gf?!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
When an addict is in active addiction, the addiction is in the driver's seat and nothing will get in its way. Sounds like he's in deep. As hard as it may be to do, you need to focus on yourself and try and reconcile the situation in a way that is acceptable to you, and accept that he may never look back. Its terrible, but its reality. Wishing you the best.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 132
I'm so sorry you are hurting.
When I was in active addiction, nothing was more important than cocaine.
NOTHING!
Sure, I went to work everyday, paid my bills, barely sustained minimal relationships but only because I had to.
I spent days and entire week-ends isolating in my home, all alone so I could spend it drinking and drugging.
Your bf is an addict and nothing but his willingness to quit will make him stop using
It's a hard pill to swallow
When I was in active addiction, nothing was more important than cocaine.
NOTHING!
Sure, I went to work everyday, paid my bills, barely sustained minimal relationships but only because I had to.
I spent days and entire week-ends isolating in my home, all alone so I could spend it drinking and drugging.
Your bf is an addict and nothing but his willingness to quit will make him stop using
It's a hard pill to swallow
Loving Sobriety
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 69
My exhusband did that to my chilldren and I. He pretended to go to treatment but in fact went and stayed with family and drank. He couldnt get away fast enough so he could use in peace . He ended up on the streets and quickly remarried someone that would enable him. He has no contact with us now. Before his addiction escalated (and a DUI and 2 rehabs; which I supported him through) he was the most devoted father and husband. I loved him beyond words. I know somewhat of what you are feeling. I developed an addiction to alcohol after he left but I have taken control as my children will not lose another parent to alcohol . keep strong. X
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,782
I've had a boyfriend like that before. I threw him out and good riddance. Why would you want to be with someone who treats you so badly?
Like my dad used to tell me, when you're alone, at least you know you're in good company.
Let him have his girlfriend and his cocaine. At least he's not putting you thru hell anymore.
Like my dad used to tell me, when you're alone, at least you know you're in good company.
Let him have his girlfriend and his cocaine. At least he's not putting you thru hell anymore.
Learning to Live
Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: CA
Posts: 203
His new relationship is probably one based around his habit; they probably use together etc. It's not real and won't last. His true relationship right now is with his addiction and only he can break that off. Best wishes to you.
2/2016
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Texas
Posts: 582
You are the prize here, not him. You are upset about him with this new girl. He will just use her as well and throw her away. Sorry you got stuck with the dog, thank goodness it was not a child. This guy is a loser. You dodged a bullet.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 666
Aries, so sorry for what you are going through, but I agree very much with the advice above. You deserve better than this. I know it's hard.. you'll have to grieve, but acceptance of what the situation is will be the best thing for you. Maybe one day he will realize, maybe one day he will apologize, but please don't waste your life, or hold your breath, waiting for that. He sounds in deep.
Take care of yourself. Build a new healthier life. I know it's unsettling now, but you will find your footing. Take it a day at a time.
There's a friends and family area here that may be helpful to you, too, if you haven't posted there already.
Take care!!
Take care of yourself. Build a new healthier life. I know it's unsettling now, but you will find your footing. Take it a day at a time.
There's a friends and family area here that may be helpful to you, too, if you haven't posted there already.
Take care!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 16
Wow...my first time here in these forums and I cannot believe how much information I've gotten. I am still devastated and confused. I will continue to try and educate myself and read about other people's stories and will continue to post my thoughts or questions. I can't believe I am a stranger and people actually gave me advice...thank you... -AW
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 16
(I will probably post this reply in the other category I posted in as well.)
I found out this girl is another user. A party girl. Why do I feel so shocked? My therapist told me even in the beginning of all of this. He said,"He will only be with someone who also does coke...if she doesn't do coke I will be shocked and it will surface pretty quickly with how far deep he is if she is a non-user." I kept saying,"He would NEVER date a girl who does cocaine!" I just couldn't imagine it. And here it is. Happening.
I feel like everything that has happened has almost been like reading a textbook about "Cocaine Addiction" it is just so hard for me to think of him this way. As much as it was in my face, for at least 3 years he was so playful, kind and never came off the mean or cocky person he has become. He was my best friend. My God, I ******* love that man.
I said to my therapist the other night,"I just hate that he is just happy and doing his coke and living his life, seeing other women and here I am trying to piece together my life and trying to understand how I was so easy to just get rid of?" and he said to me,"What makes you think he's happy? I don't think you understand the mind of someone in the throws of addiction. He is miserable."
But I am confused.
Doesn't cocaine make you feel very happy?
With his parents giving him money, paying his bills, and him making good money I'm not concerned he doesn't have the money to keep up his habit. (Am I being naive thinking this?) Will he ever process getting rid of me and our dog? (The dog was his best friend too...he was obsessed with him)
A few other questions for anyone willing to listen...
I have read other articles about cocaine addiction and a lot of responses from people said that it's an easy habit to get rid of? Is this true? Are there any former cocaine users that can confirm this? I have this fear he has sobered up and is happy, but my therapist says chances are slim when someone has enablers.
And since I had no idea he was addicted, there are random memories being triggered over the last year that were signs of his addiction. I noticed this year he watched a LOT of documentaries, movies, shows about cocaine. It got so bad that I said to him,"Don't you think watching this all of the time is a little triggering considering your past??" and he would just say no. Why would someone do this? My therapist says it's unusual, but that it goes with the complete obsession with this drug. Does this make sense?
Thank you all, SR friends.
I found out this girl is another user. A party girl. Why do I feel so shocked? My therapist told me even in the beginning of all of this. He said,"He will only be with someone who also does coke...if she doesn't do coke I will be shocked and it will surface pretty quickly with how far deep he is if she is a non-user." I kept saying,"He would NEVER date a girl who does cocaine!" I just couldn't imagine it. And here it is. Happening.
I feel like everything that has happened has almost been like reading a textbook about "Cocaine Addiction" it is just so hard for me to think of him this way. As much as it was in my face, for at least 3 years he was so playful, kind and never came off the mean or cocky person he has become. He was my best friend. My God, I ******* love that man.
I said to my therapist the other night,"I just hate that he is just happy and doing his coke and living his life, seeing other women and here I am trying to piece together my life and trying to understand how I was so easy to just get rid of?" and he said to me,"What makes you think he's happy? I don't think you understand the mind of someone in the throws of addiction. He is miserable."
But I am confused.
Doesn't cocaine make you feel very happy?
With his parents giving him money, paying his bills, and him making good money I'm not concerned he doesn't have the money to keep up his habit. (Am I being naive thinking this?) Will he ever process getting rid of me and our dog? (The dog was his best friend too...he was obsessed with him)
A few other questions for anyone willing to listen...
I have read other articles about cocaine addiction and a lot of responses from people said that it's an easy habit to get rid of? Is this true? Are there any former cocaine users that can confirm this? I have this fear he has sobered up and is happy, but my therapist says chances are slim when someone has enablers.
And since I had no idea he was addicted, there are random memories being triggered over the last year that were signs of his addiction. I noticed this year he watched a LOT of documentaries, movies, shows about cocaine. It got so bad that I said to him,"Don't you think watching this all of the time is a little triggering considering your past??" and he would just say no. Why would someone do this? My therapist says it's unusual, but that it goes with the complete obsession with this drug. Does this make sense?
Thank you all, SR friends.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Canada
Posts: 251
I am so sorry you are going through this. Cocaine is not as easy addiction to get rid of. I think that you really want him to feel immense remorse at losing you, and he will, when he hits his bottom. Addicts have a way of forgetting about it by doing their drug, if he ever gets sober, then they deal with the aftermath of what they have caused. And does it ever hurt, he will hurt probably a lot more than you are hurting now.
I kind of sense you want him to come crawling back to you and be the man he was before, I totally get it. You are remembering him how he was and you love him. That is totally normal. But please do not hold your breath waiting for this moment to happen anytime soon, he will feel it, but not right now.
I also wanted to say, that he probably knew you were better than him and he is in so deep, he knew he was going to **** up your life by staying with you, addicts deep down know and he probably felt super guilty. Not that it helps, but just my two cents, he does care, hes just not showing it.
I kind of sense you want him to come crawling back to you and be the man he was before, I totally get it. You are remembering him how he was and you love him. That is totally normal. But please do not hold your breath waiting for this moment to happen anytime soon, he will feel it, but not right now.
I also wanted to say, that he probably knew you were better than him and he is in so deep, he knew he was going to **** up your life by staying with you, addicts deep down know and he probably felt super guilty. Not that it helps, but just my two cents, he does care, hes just not showing it.
No Dogma Please
Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: SoCal
Posts: 2,562
Cocaine, or any other drug or drink, doesn't make you happy. It numbs uncomfortable emotions.
Cocaine is an easier addiction to kick than heroin, alcohol and benzos only because the physical withdrawal is less intense. But it's there, and the psychological and emotional withdrawal is a mofo.
I highly doubt he's recovered.
Cocaine is an easier addiction to kick than heroin, alcohol and benzos only because the physical withdrawal is less intense. But it's there, and the psychological and emotional withdrawal is a mofo.
I highly doubt he's recovered.
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