Thoughts on the "Silent Treatment", or "Running Away"
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Thoughts on the "Silent Treatment", or "Running Away"
I've been reading a lot here recently with "disappearing" partners or spouses. I had one of those. I know from my experience that it made me feel like I didn't exist, that I wasn't even a person, that I was worthless. It was really hard to overcome those feelings.
I just thought we could discuss this and see how people feel about this, and why it makes us crave the things that we can't have.
For me, I felt like I could not speak about my emotions (feelings), I couldn't even discuss or have a conversation about what movie to watch. I think what I just said is really just simplifying things though.
I spent so many years, just trying to get along, compromising on many things, until I realized, I compromised on everything.
I was subjected to the silent treatment, the rages, all that other BS thrown in there, but for some stupid reason, I thought that I could change things, ..... I couldn't. My voice wasn't being heard, it wasn't respected. I tried so many time to feel like I was heard. I just wasn't.
It is so horrible to feel like I did. I felt like I was in a straight jacket with duck tape over my mouth. I had no control over anything, I didn't even have control over me, (or so I thought).
The Silent Treatment or Running Away is just a way for an immature person to get away without having a conversation, or compromising, or a very manipulative person who has a need to control another person.
I just wanted to open up something for people who feel like this have a place to post.
I felt like I was invisible. Did or does anyone else feel this way?
(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
amy
I just thought we could discuss this and see how people feel about this, and why it makes us crave the things that we can't have.
For me, I felt like I could not speak about my emotions (feelings), I couldn't even discuss or have a conversation about what movie to watch. I think what I just said is really just simplifying things though.
I spent so many years, just trying to get along, compromising on many things, until I realized, I compromised on everything.
I was subjected to the silent treatment, the rages, all that other BS thrown in there, but for some stupid reason, I thought that I could change things, ..... I couldn't. My voice wasn't being heard, it wasn't respected. I tried so many time to feel like I was heard. I just wasn't.
It is so horrible to feel like I did. I felt like I was in a straight jacket with duck tape over my mouth. I had no control over anything, I didn't even have control over me, (or so I thought).
The Silent Treatment or Running Away is just a way for an immature person to get away without having a conversation, or compromising, or a very manipulative person who has a need to control another person.
I just wanted to open up something for people who feel like this have a place to post.
I felt like I was invisible. Did or does anyone else feel this way?
(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
amy
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 46
Originally Posted by amy55 
I've been reading a lot here recently with "disappearing" partners or spouses. I had one of those. I know from my experience that it made me feel like I didn't exist, that I wasn't even a person, that I was worthless. It was really hard to overcome those feelings.
I just thought we could discuss this and see how people feel about this, and why it makes us crave the things that we can't have.
For me, I felt like I could not speak about my emotions (feelings), I couldn't even discuss or have a conversation about what movie to watch. I think what I just said is really just simplifying things though.
I spent so many years, just trying to get along, compromising on many things, until I realized, I compromised on everything.
I was subjected to the silent treatment, the rages, all that other BS thrown in there, but for some stupid reason, I thought that I could change things, ..... I couldn't. My voice wasn't being heard, it wasn't respected. I tried so many time to feel like I was heard. I just wasn't.
It is so horrible to feel like I did. I felt like I was in a straight jacket with duck tape over my mouth. I had no control over anything, I didn't even have control over me, (or so I thought).
The Silent Treatment or Running Away is just a way for an immature person to get away without having a conversation, or compromising, or a very manipulative person who has a need to control another person.
I just wanted to open up something for people who feel like this have a place to post.
I felt like I was invisible. Did or does anyone else feel this way?
(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
amy
I just thought we could discuss this and see how people feel about this, and why it makes us crave the things that we can't have.
For me, I felt like I could not speak about my emotions (feelings), I couldn't even discuss or have a conversation about what movie to watch. I think what I just said is really just simplifying things though.
I spent so many years, just trying to get along, compromising on many things, until I realized, I compromised on everything.
I was subjected to the silent treatment, the rages, all that other BS thrown in there, but for some stupid reason, I thought that I could change things, ..... I couldn't. My voice wasn't being heard, it wasn't respected. I tried so many time to feel like I was heard. I just wasn't.
It is so horrible to feel like I did. I felt like I was in a straight jacket with duck tape over my mouth. I had no control over anything, I didn't even have control over me, (or so I thought).
The Silent Treatment or Running Away is just a way for an immature person to get away without having a conversation, or compromising, or a very manipulative person who has a need to control another person.
I just wanted to open up something for people who feel like this have a place to post.
I felt like I was invisible. Did or does anyone else feel this way?
(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
amy
I'm very new here and for me ,it was me running away from the drama .I was lucky we had a place to go but looking back now I realize I needed to run away and be on my own to have time to think and make changes (as look at my behavior and focus on Me)it's only after counselling alanon and this site I can see light at the end of the tunnel)
Hugs to you
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
I used to be the one who inflicted the silent treatment. I got that way from growing up in a household where I was beaten for verbally disagreeing with a parent.
When I became an adult, I used it as a strategy to control others. I would freeze people out for weeks on end.
In my later years, I have gotten much more vocal in setting boundaries. This really bugs some family members who prefer my compliant, quiet old self. They didn't know that the quietness was really passive aggression.
Of course, I have had to go "no contact" with some family members and old friends, but I believe this is healthier than staying in contact and worrying about our next fight.
When I became an adult, I used it as a strategy to control others. I would freeze people out for weeks on end.
In my later years, I have gotten much more vocal in setting boundaries. This really bugs some family members who prefer my compliant, quiet old self. They didn't know that the quietness was really passive aggression.
Of course, I have had to go "no contact" with some family members and old friends, but I believe this is healthier than staying in contact and worrying about our next fight.
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Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 48
The silent treatment and running away is my Abf's weapon of choice. It is incredibly painful and scary. Happened yesterday. We were getting my car inspected. Just a normal errand, spending time together. We disagree on a point of what to expect and he says something like he wouldn't want me around to get HIS car inspected and he doesn't want to be here with me. I start crying. He says he's tired of apologizing to me and takes off drinking at his club. I don't know when I'll see him next. Probably when he sobers up and wants me around for family time with his kids.
This is not how my family fights. We debate, argue, yell, walk away and come back and apologize. Everyone apologizes, whether we started it or not. We hug it out. We cry it out. I'm probably the most tearful one in my family, but still...nothing wrong with that.
Silent ghost treatment makes me feel absolutely worthless. And yet I'm still here.
This is not how my family fights. We debate, argue, yell, walk away and come back and apologize. Everyone apologizes, whether we started it or not. We hug it out. We cry it out. I'm probably the most tearful one in my family, but still...nothing wrong with that.
Silent ghost treatment makes me feel absolutely worthless. And yet I'm still here.
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
I've been in the giving and of the silent treatment which I would later discover it as no contact. I've also been on the receiving end of no contact which I defined as the silent treatment.
Neither version felt good as I had to give it and deal with following through or I had to accept it as it was also what they or I needed at the time.
Not being around people who can't or won't talk it thru is sometimes a time filed with serenity if my own ego didn't get in the way. If I wasn't trying to control the other person. When people are ready they will come back if it was meant to be but not on our time table. All we can work on is ourselves.
My husband would also give me the silent treatment. Many times I felt I didn't exist by him or others but I am still here. I am still growing and now learning how to truely communicate without getting all defensive but instead in a loving way. Sometimes all people need to hear is I love you and leave the rest to HP.
Neither version felt good as I had to give it and deal with following through or I had to accept it as it was also what they or I needed at the time.
Not being around people who can't or won't talk it thru is sometimes a time filed with serenity if my own ego didn't get in the way. If I wasn't trying to control the other person. When people are ready they will come back if it was meant to be but not on our time table. All we can work on is ourselves.
My husband would also give me the silent treatment. Many times I felt I didn't exist by him or others but I am still here. I am still growing and now learning how to truely communicate without getting all defensive but instead in a loving way. Sometimes all people need to hear is I love you and leave the rest to HP.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,388
I do not think that the silent treatment got me as much as the cycles of abuse. As if he knew he pushed too far, then he would be nice for awhile, then out of nowhere, wham! And it was going on like that for years. And that selfishness and that self-entitlement, after all the things he has done, having guts to come back, to show his face. It is simply mind-blowing. But then you realize how actually little you meant to him and what an object you were to him. And it hurts, but then you start admiring yourself for being able to discontinue participating.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
In a weird way, I found the silent treatment almost a blessing in disguise. My ex used to tell me that I didn't matter at all, that he didn't care what I thought or felt and he wasn't going to bother talking to me. When it got to that point, strangely enough it gave me space to think "you know what? I don't really want to interact with you either. I am quite fine on my own".
When he was trying to keep me engaged with his dramas - through manipulations, gaslighting, deception, the whole nine yards - it was harder to get that distance. When he decided to switch tactics to acting as though I was insignificant and ignoring me, it became easier to say "thanks very much, I think I will keep right on detaching myself". I can remember as clearly as though it were yesterday being in a marriage counsellor's office (counselling was all my doing) and hearing him say "you really aren't important to me at all'. Curiously, that marked the beginning of my emancipation.
When he was trying to keep me engaged with his dramas - through manipulations, gaslighting, deception, the whole nine yards - it was harder to get that distance. When he decided to switch tactics to acting as though I was insignificant and ignoring me, it became easier to say "thanks very much, I think I will keep right on detaching myself". I can remember as clearly as though it were yesterday being in a marriage counsellor's office (counselling was all my doing) and hearing him say "you really aren't important to me at all'. Curiously, that marked the beginning of my emancipation.
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 10
I feel much the same way as Sasha
about the silent treatment. I knew therapy was working when I began to find the silent treatment peaceful. It's really the same thing as my AH's screaming or name calling. He's still directing all his self hatred at me, just in a different much quieter way. So I just think to myself wow he really thinks not having to listen to him rant is a punishment. And just like when he loses his temper he'll get over it and I get some peace and quiet while he works through what really is about him not me.
about the silent treatment. I knew therapy was working when I began to find the silent treatment peaceful. It's really the same thing as my AH's screaming or name calling. He's still directing all his self hatred at me, just in a different much quieter way. So I just think to myself wow he really thinks not having to listen to him rant is a punishment. And just like when he loses his temper he'll get over it and I get some peace and quiet while he works through what really is about him not me.
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Location: Alaska
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IDK. I may be misunderstanding some of the posts, but I kind of think I'm seeing a couple different topics being spoken about under the same heading of silent treatment. But, I also acknowledge that how they're perceived by the person in it at that moment and then describing it later can be different.
When I get mad, I need time to cool off before I can 1. form a coherent sentence and 2. not cry. I try to tell the other party that I need time before the 'discussion' can continue. If they don't grant my request, I do simply walk away. I did it at home as a teenager; I've done it at work. I don't see that as the silent treatment. I see that as enforcing my boundaries and honoring what I need: time and space to cool off. And the discussion is generally held some time later. (I can't even begin to explain how annoyed I get with myself for crying when I'm mad. The other parties often change their tactic and try to console me, which results in me getting more upset: Don't comfort me! I'm not sad; I'm ticked off!) Maybe I'm seeing it incorrectly because of my time with abusive AXH? BTW, I was NOT allowed to do it when living with AXH; he would literally corner me and continue the confrontation.
No contact. Maybe if used outside the context of a relationship with an abusive or addicted partner/family member/friend, this could be could be construed as the silent treatment, IDK? I can only approach it from the side of no contact with an abusive partner and another unhealthy relationship. I know - KNOW - this was not the silent treatment on my part. This was a matter of protecting my emotional and physical well being. AXH was told to back the eff off and leave me alone. I told him, and when that failed, the court told him. (And that still failed - until he moved to California.)
In a subsequent relationship (I'm not even sure it really qualified as a relationship because it went from a few dates to a marriage proposal from him) I also went no contact. Needless to say, dating turned out to not be a good idea. I said I wasn't ready to date, much less marry, please leave me alone. And when that resulted in 5 million texts stating he wasn't coming by - only texting - so it qualified as "giving you space." I told him again, very bluntly, to not contact me and then finally stopped responding to his attempts to contact me. Again, I believe my no longer responding to him wasn't the silent treatment; it was the only way to deal with unwanted attention.
The silent treatment. ..... I think there are varying degrees of the silent treatment, and it runs the gamut from a "probably not effective" means of inter-relationship skills to the opposite end of the spectrum, which is a tactic used by abusive partners. So, a couple examples of my experiences here:
My wonderful, amazing, nephew struggled as a pre-teen - "he was moody" would be putting it mildly. When discussions started to try to address something that had happened, he would not respond, and would simply turn off the sound for his cochlear implant. Not being able to hear, he effectively left the conversation, would sit silently and stare at the person trying to get his attention. It wasn't abusive behavior, though it did point to an area where we needed to help him learn to relate. (BTW, he now addresses it in a similar manner as I do: asks for, or demands, time to re-group and discuss it later.)
Any way, I hope I'm not distracting from Amy's thread topic.
AXH. He never really disappeared, but he did employ the silent treatment as a weapon. If he was in one of those moods, I could come home, say hi and get absolutely no response. I could - and did on several occasions - stand directly in front of the TV he was watching and ask him question(s) and he would continue to "watch" the TV like I was transparent or wasn't there. He would laugh like he saw the punch line, or cheer when a try was scored, or... But he wouldn't respond to my greeting or questions. He would never even lift his gaze up to look in my eyes. I. was. not. there. I. did. not. exist. It wasn't a one time event. It was an often repeated practice. It made me feel invisible, a non-person. And he meant it that way. Not only would he do that to me, but he'd do it to our toddler son, too. THAT I immediately knew was wrong. That I took issue with. It took a lot longer for me to take issue with it when he did it to me.
When I get mad, I need time to cool off before I can 1. form a coherent sentence and 2. not cry. I try to tell the other party that I need time before the 'discussion' can continue. If they don't grant my request, I do simply walk away. I did it at home as a teenager; I've done it at work. I don't see that as the silent treatment. I see that as enforcing my boundaries and honoring what I need: time and space to cool off. And the discussion is generally held some time later. (I can't even begin to explain how annoyed I get with myself for crying when I'm mad. The other parties often change their tactic and try to console me, which results in me getting more upset: Don't comfort me! I'm not sad; I'm ticked off!) Maybe I'm seeing it incorrectly because of my time with abusive AXH? BTW, I was NOT allowed to do it when living with AXH; he would literally corner me and continue the confrontation.
No contact. Maybe if used outside the context of a relationship with an abusive or addicted partner/family member/friend, this could be could be construed as the silent treatment, IDK? I can only approach it from the side of no contact with an abusive partner and another unhealthy relationship. I know - KNOW - this was not the silent treatment on my part. This was a matter of protecting my emotional and physical well being. AXH was told to back the eff off and leave me alone. I told him, and when that failed, the court told him. (And that still failed - until he moved to California.)
In a subsequent relationship (I'm not even sure it really qualified as a relationship because it went from a few dates to a marriage proposal from him) I also went no contact. Needless to say, dating turned out to not be a good idea. I said I wasn't ready to date, much less marry, please leave me alone. And when that resulted in 5 million texts stating he wasn't coming by - only texting - so it qualified as "giving you space." I told him again, very bluntly, to not contact me and then finally stopped responding to his attempts to contact me. Again, I believe my no longer responding to him wasn't the silent treatment; it was the only way to deal with unwanted attention.
The silent treatment. ..... I think there are varying degrees of the silent treatment, and it runs the gamut from a "probably not effective" means of inter-relationship skills to the opposite end of the spectrum, which is a tactic used by abusive partners. So, a couple examples of my experiences here:
My wonderful, amazing, nephew struggled as a pre-teen - "he was moody" would be putting it mildly. When discussions started to try to address something that had happened, he would not respond, and would simply turn off the sound for his cochlear implant. Not being able to hear, he effectively left the conversation, would sit silently and stare at the person trying to get his attention. It wasn't abusive behavior, though it did point to an area where we needed to help him learn to relate. (BTW, he now addresses it in a similar manner as I do: asks for, or demands, time to re-group and discuss it later.)
Any way, I hope I'm not distracting from Amy's thread topic.
AXH. He never really disappeared, but he did employ the silent treatment as a weapon. If he was in one of those moods, I could come home, say hi and get absolutely no response. I could - and did on several occasions - stand directly in front of the TV he was watching and ask him question(s) and he would continue to "watch" the TV like I was transparent or wasn't there. He would laugh like he saw the punch line, or cheer when a try was scored, or... But he wouldn't respond to my greeting or questions. He would never even lift his gaze up to look in my eyes. I. was. not. there. I. did. not. exist. It wasn't a one time event. It was an often repeated practice. It made me feel invisible, a non-person. And he meant it that way. Not only would he do that to me, but he'd do it to our toddler son, too. THAT I immediately knew was wrong. That I took issue with. It took a lot longer for me to take issue with it when he did it to me.
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