I guess I should start from the beginning.
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Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 9
I guess I should start from the beginning.
Hi, I'm Ashley, people call me Ash, I wasent always this upset or confused about where to turn. But today is just the straw that broke the camels back... Like my title says, I'll start from the beginning, but I'll short form so that I don't ramble on. I'm 28 years old, and my mother is a recovering alcoholic. Now I know what your thinking.. Okay well the hard part is done.. She's been through hell and now she's fine! But she's not! She's manipulating and narcissistic and my God I sound like a horrible person! She wasent always an alcoholic, she was kind and loving and caring and she really was a great mother... Until I was about 9 years old.. And then I don't know what happened... I'm sure she has her reasons... But I don't think I'll fully understand them. When I was 10 my brother and I were sent into foster care, my sister and my other brother were sent to live with their dads ( we all have different dads, I've never met mine.. Nor do I even know his name).. For 10 years I would have monthly visits with my mother.. Nothing special, she continued to drink, I coddled her.. She would make excuses to me about her drinking and I would validate them with excuses to myself about her drinking.. Never really understanding the full effect of how it contributed and affected to my life.. At one point about 5 years ago I put my foot down and stopped talking to her for about 2 years... It was the most peaceful 2 years of my life, I was guilt free (other than the guilt I gave myself) but even that was easy to brush off without her validating it. About a year ago I received a call from my mother telling me she was sober (due to my not inviting her to my wedding because I felt she didn't deserve seeing me get married, she was a mean drunk and I was her punching bag) so she had been sober for 2 years and she was in the hospital with pneumonia and she changed and she just wanted a relationship with her children. So I thought AWESOME!!!! FINALLY!!! A mother! A mom!!!!! Someone I can shop with, talk with, have a relationship with! My sober mom was the best mom!!! So I thought.. So we had breakfast, went shopping, and it was great! For the day.. Then the conversation about my siblings came up, why didn't they want a relationship with her, why couldn't they just forgive her like I had ( I've always been the weak link.. I've always had a soft spot for mom.. She's my mom and like EVERYONE in my life kept reminding me, I only have ONE mom and no matter what she says or does, I should love and forgive her because when she's gone I'll be the one without guilt... And so that's what I thought.. And still think.... If not me then who?) and so I told her not everyone was as quick to forgive like I was, and they will. Come around (I genuinely thought they would) so she went home that night and I swear she called me like 20 times crying and telling me to. Call my siblings and demand that they call her.. And that I was a bad daughter if I didn't... And they listen to me.. And so when I told her they don't and I shouldn't have to. Do that, I was the one who was making her life miserable! Me!!!! FREAKING ME!!!! I had done nothing but love and support her.. And this is what has come of it!!! This will not be the only time this past year this has happened.. This is probably the 5th.. In between those deviations, I am required to listen to a mile long list of how I have failed her as a daughter... You see because of the alcohol abuse, it has done some damage to her body, bad hips, knees, bones, lungs, she's aged.. She is 48 and walks with a walker because of health issues.. She recently broke her shoulder and so was immobile for most of the summer.. But I would still pick her up and bring her to appointments, shopping, groceries, mall, movies, bingo. All in between working full time, spending time with my husband, trying for a baby and generally living my life as a 28year old. And it's still not good enough.. I still got the calls where I was a bad daughter because I went out for drinks with the girls and didn't want to bring her shopping the next day, or I worked for 6 days and how dare I want to spend my Sunday cleaning instead of spending time with her, even to the point where I'm at work, and I won't be done till 5 and she wants to do groceries after, but I'm exhausted so I suggest the next day and I'm FREAKING starving her... It's like I can't win! Today broke me... I spent 2 hrs crying, with my husband trying to make me feel better but he can't, hes here and listening and I love that, God I love that he is here, but unless you have been through a similar situation I truly do not think you can understand my confusion (I'll be more clear about that in a moment) so I spent 2 hrs crying because for the past month she has been in and out of the psychiatric ward at the hospital (voluntary) because she felt like she was falling into a depression (due to being home bound and not independent this summer because of her body) and she didn't want to start drinking again. AWESOME! Nothing wrong with getting help! I was so proud!!! Finally finally she is to the point of realizing it and addressing it and yay for help!!!! But two weeks into her last stay she called me crying because the nurses were being mean.. 45minutes after I dropped her off. So I go there.. Pack her up and bring her home, 24 hrs later she can't do it so she's going back.. Pick her and her stuff up, bring her back.. For another 2 week stay, keep in mind she has day passes that allow her to leave for 8 hrs a day and she only goes there to eat and sleep.. But they are helping her with getting a scooter, getting volunteer work to get her out and about, she has her psychologist on staff for anything she needs, she has nurses in case of a fall or anything! Just yesterday she was so excited about all the progress she was making and was so happy with herself and where she was... Until today! 8 pm and she's calling me to pick her up because she fell. Coming in, and the nurse called the Dr on staff but he was taking to long and she just wanted to get home and take morphine for her pain and go to bed... And I mean I tried to convince her that it was the best place for her.. She was safer there.. Than home.. And she just dosent care.. It's like I can't win.. And I can't say no because when she dies I'll be guilt ridden.. How how can I say no? She's the only mom I have.. My God I can't explain how I feel right now.. I'm so angry and worried and angry.. I don't on why I am so angry all the time.. At her.. I hate myself for not wanting to spend more time with her.. I hate that I'm annoyed when I have to do things for her.. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? I love her more than anything but I'm finding myself at the end of my rope and I'm pissed off that I feel like an awful person!! I mean who hates their own freaking mom? I'm a monster please someone tell me I'm not a monster 
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Join Date: Jan 2016
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I only have a minute but wanted to send you a hug and say YOU ARE NOT A MONSTER. Not one bit.
It sounds like your mother has some severe psychological issues that lay underneath her alcoholism. She is very self-centered and manipulative. She may not be drinking but she doesn't sound like she's addressed any of the self-evaluation that goes with real recovery.
Is there an Alanon group in your area? You need help and support in learning how to set boundaries and not fall into the codependency trap. Therapy for you would also be a big help.
In short...she's an active alcoholic in her actions if not in actually drinking. Please read everything here about codependency and check out some of the readings that are suggested.
It's NOT YOU. It's her alcoholism. And you need help and support in reclaiming your life from her problem.
Have another hug.
It sounds like your mother has some severe psychological issues that lay underneath her alcoholism. She is very self-centered and manipulative. She may not be drinking but she doesn't sound like she's addressed any of the self-evaluation that goes with real recovery.
Is there an Alanon group in your area? You need help and support in learning how to set boundaries and not fall into the codependency trap. Therapy for you would also be a big help.
In short...she's an active alcoholic in her actions if not in actually drinking. Please read everything here about codependency and check out some of the readings that are suggested.
It's NOT YOU. It's her alcoholism. And you need help and support in reclaiming your life from her problem.
Have another hug.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 207
Please believe that you are definitely not a monster for having these conflicting feelings - I would say they are perfectly natural given all that you have and are continuing to suffer with your mum.
You have given so much of yourself and maybe now is time for some more distance between you to protect yourself.
Very warm wishes to you.
You have given so much of yourself and maybe now is time for some more distance between you to protect yourself.
Very warm wishes to you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 9
Originally Posted by Hummer 
Please believe that you are definitely not a monster for having these conflicting feelings - I would say they are perfectly natural given all that you have and are continuing to suffer with your mum.
You have given so much of yourself and maybe now is time for some more distance between you to protect yourself.
Very warm wishes to you.
You have given so much of yourself and maybe now is time for some more distance between you to protect yourself.
Very warm wishes to you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 9
Originally Posted by Ariesagain
I only have a minute but wanted to send you a hug and say YOU ARE NOT A MONSTER. Not one bit.
It sounds like your mother has some severe psychological issues that lay underneath her alcoholism. She is very self-centered and manipulative. She may not be drinking but she doesn't sound like she's addressed any of the self-evaluation that goes with real recovery.
Is there an Alanon group in your area? You need help and support in learning how to set boundaries and not fall into the codependency trap. Therapy for you would also be a big help.
In short...she's an active alcoholic in her actions if not in actually drinking. Please read everything here about codependency and check out some of the readings that are suggested.
It's NOT YOU. It's her alcoholism. And you need help and support in reclaiming your life from her problem.
Have another hug.
It sounds like your mother has some severe psychological issues that lay underneath her alcoholism. She is very self-centered and manipulative. She may not be drinking but she doesn't sound like she's addressed any of the self-evaluation that goes with real recovery.
Is there an Alanon group in your area? You need help and support in learning how to set boundaries and not fall into the codependency trap. Therapy for you would also be a big help.
In short...she's an active alcoholic in her actions if not in actually drinking. Please read everything here about codependency and check out some of the readings that are suggested.
It's NOT YOU. It's her alcoholism. And you need help and support in reclaiming your life from her problem.
Have another hug.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Ash,
Welcome and glad you are reaching out for support. You are what's called a codie, or codependent. You enable your addict to continue with their horrible behavior. Your mother is nothing but a dry drunk and I wouldn't even call her dry as you stated she is taking morphine. A sober addict is someone who grows up, sobers up and works a program, which I don't think she has done any of those things. So typically you are dealing with a full blown addict. This is why your life is out of control. Your sibling were right about not engaging with her. Sometimes we need to cut contact from poisonous people in our lives. It's for our own well being, nobody elses. You are not being selfish. How can you love someone that does all the above to you , when you don't even like them?
I also recommend alanon. I would also go to the adult children of alcoholics on his forum and reach out there. They all have lived through what you have and will have support , on how to deal with a mom who is "guilting"you into doing things you don't want to do. You are so enmeshed with her that you can't see straight.
Step back, educate yourself about addiction and realize that she is no special snowflake, she is a typical non functioning addict who you are trying to save. That my friend is virtually impossible. They say on this forum, just like on an airplane put on your oxygen mask first. When you have nothing left to give to you or your husband because she has drained everything out of you, you are no good to anyone.
Keep posting, asking questions. If she can't back off, you might for your own sanity have to cut ties with her until she follows your boundaries, which you will need to set up for your sanity. Take this all in, read all over this forum. We get how exhausted you are and just can't continue. Hugs my friend!!
Welcome and glad you are reaching out for support. You are what's called a codie, or codependent. You enable your addict to continue with their horrible behavior. Your mother is nothing but a dry drunk and I wouldn't even call her dry as you stated she is taking morphine. A sober addict is someone who grows up, sobers up and works a program, which I don't think she has done any of those things. So typically you are dealing with a full blown addict. This is why your life is out of control. Your sibling were right about not engaging with her. Sometimes we need to cut contact from poisonous people in our lives. It's for our own well being, nobody elses. You are not being selfish. How can you love someone that does all the above to you , when you don't even like them?
I also recommend alanon. I would also go to the adult children of alcoholics on his forum and reach out there. They all have lived through what you have and will have support , on how to deal with a mom who is "guilting"you into doing things you don't want to do. You are so enmeshed with her that you can't see straight.
Step back, educate yourself about addiction and realize that she is no special snowflake, she is a typical non functioning addict who you are trying to save. That my friend is virtually impossible. They say on this forum, just like on an airplane put on your oxygen mask first. When you have nothing left to give to you or your husband because she has drained everything out of you, you are no good to anyone.
Keep posting, asking questions. If she can't back off, you might for your own sanity have to cut ties with her until she follows your boundaries, which you will need to set up for your sanity. Take this all in, read all over this forum. We get how exhausted you are and just can't continue. Hugs my friend!!
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
HI Ash. I am so sorry for what brings you here, but so glad you are here. YOU ARE NO MONSTER!!!!
Here is the thing. Sometimes people are too toxic to have a relationship with. It does not mean you don't love them, but until (and if) they get themselves sorted out, they are too toxic so you have to love them from afar. You said your mom wanted to go home and take morphine. She still sounds like an addict. Is it possible she is now addicted to other substances that she replaced the alcohol with? Just a guess.
This behavior goes way back obviously. People don't have their children go to foster care for no reason.
I send you huge hugs. I agree, go to Alanon or Celebrate Recovery or even a therapist (or both), that can give you face to face support. And read here, there are stories similar to your own.
You are not alone!!!
Here is the thing. Sometimes people are too toxic to have a relationship with. It does not mean you don't love them, but until (and if) they get themselves sorted out, they are too toxic so you have to love them from afar. You said your mom wanted to go home and take morphine. She still sounds like an addict. Is it possible she is now addicted to other substances that she replaced the alcohol with? Just a guess.
This behavior goes way back obviously. People don't have their children go to foster care for no reason.
I send you huge hugs. I agree, go to Alanon or Celebrate Recovery or even a therapist (or both), that can give you face to face support. And read here, there are stories similar to your own.
You are not alone!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 9
Originally Posted by maia1234
Ash,
Welcome and glad you are reaching out for support. You are what's called a codie, or codependent. You enable your addict to continue with their horrible behavior. Your mother is nothing but a dry drunk and I wouldn't even call her dry as you stated she is taking morphine. A sober addict is someone who grows up, sobers up and works a program, which I don't think she has done any of those things. So typically you are dealing with a full blown addict. This is why your life is out of control. Your sibling were right about not engaging with her. Sometimes we need to cut contact from poisonous people in our lives. It's for our own well being, nobody elses. You are not being selfish. How can you love someone that does all the above to you , when you don't even like them?
I also recommend alanon. I would also go to the adult children of alcoholics on his forum and reach out there. They all have lived through what you have and will have support , on how to deal with a mom who is "guilting"you into doing things you don't want to do. You are so enmeshed with her that you can't see straight.
Step back, educate yourself about addiction and realize that she is no special snowflake, she is a typical non functioning addict who you are trying to save. That my friend is virtually impossible. They say on this forum, just like on an airplane put on your oxygen mask first. When you have nothing left to give to you or your husband because she has drained everything out of you, you are no good to anyone.
Keep posting, asking questions. If she can't back off, you might for your own sanity have to cut ties with her until she follows your boundaries, which you will need to set up for your sanity. Take this all in, read all over this forum. We get how exhausted you are and just can't continue. Hugs my friend!!
Welcome and glad you are reaching out for support. You are what's called a codie, or codependent. You enable your addict to continue with their horrible behavior. Your mother is nothing but a dry drunk and I wouldn't even call her dry as you stated she is taking morphine. A sober addict is someone who grows up, sobers up and works a program, which I don't think she has done any of those things. So typically you are dealing with a full blown addict. This is why your life is out of control. Your sibling were right about not engaging with her. Sometimes we need to cut contact from poisonous people in our lives. It's for our own well being, nobody elses. You are not being selfish. How can you love someone that does all the above to you , when you don't even like them?
I also recommend alanon. I would also go to the adult children of alcoholics on his forum and reach out there. They all have lived through what you have and will have support , on how to deal with a mom who is "guilting"you into doing things you don't want to do. You are so enmeshed with her that you can't see straight.
Step back, educate yourself about addiction and realize that she is no special snowflake, she is a typical non functioning addict who you are trying to save. That my friend is virtually impossible. They say on this forum, just like on an airplane put on your oxygen mask first. When you have nothing left to give to you or your husband because she has drained everything out of you, you are no good to anyone.
Keep posting, asking questions. If she can't back off, you might for your own sanity have to cut ties with her until she follows your boundaries, which you will need to set up for your sanity. Take this all in, read all over this forum. We get how exhausted you are and just can't continue. Hugs my friend!!
I've always been the one to Pick up the pieces I'm looking forward to having time to read through some of the forums. It's a hard shock when you. Realize your part of the problem. But I understand what I have to. Do I just need help coping with following through! Thank you again for the wonderful advice! X
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Welcome Ash,
Glad you found us but so sorry for the need to. I agree, give al-anon or another program a try and put some well needed distance in between you and your moms behaviors.
No doubt, you love your mother and no, you are not a monster. You like many of us here were/are frustrated and confused by alcoholism. We try to force solutions, like you always attempting to “please” mom in order to receive her approval/love and that can make for some very unreasonable thoughts and attitudes on our parts.
It is ok to be angry with the people we love and it is ok to detach from their behaviors. It is very hard trying to set boundary and stick to them while we are still trying to seek approval and their love. Our thinking is always “if I do this – then they will X” and “if I don’t do X they will not love me, they will not want me in their lives, they will not be pleased with me”.
Therapy, al-anon or some other kind of recovery program can help you stop that irrational though process and break that thinking cycle.
You probably see “helping” mom as caring, loving and attempting to bond with her and many of us here see it as mom’s “enabler”. Whatever whim your mom gets into her head, come get me, they are mean to me, bring me back there, call your siblings, etc. etc. you are going along with it despite what your better intuition is telling you.
We can learn to detach from the behaviors of the alcoholic while not having to actually detach from the alcoholic. It does not have to be all or nothing, there is a grey area and we can learn to maneuver in it.
Glad you found us but so sorry for the need to. I agree, give al-anon or another program a try and put some well needed distance in between you and your moms behaviors.
No doubt, you love your mother and no, you are not a monster. You like many of us here were/are frustrated and confused by alcoholism. We try to force solutions, like you always attempting to “please” mom in order to receive her approval/love and that can make for some very unreasonable thoughts and attitudes on our parts.
It is ok to be angry with the people we love and it is ok to detach from their behaviors. It is very hard trying to set boundary and stick to them while we are still trying to seek approval and their love. Our thinking is always “if I do this – then they will X” and “if I don’t do X they will not love me, they will not want me in their lives, they will not be pleased with me”.
Therapy, al-anon or some other kind of recovery program can help you stop that irrational though process and break that thinking cycle.
You probably see “helping” mom as caring, loving and attempting to bond with her and many of us here see it as mom’s “enabler”. Whatever whim your mom gets into her head, come get me, they are mean to me, bring me back there, call your siblings, etc. etc. you are going along with it despite what your better intuition is telling you.
We can learn to detach from the behaviors of the alcoholic while not having to actually detach from the alcoholic. It does not have to be all or nothing, there is a grey area and we can learn to maneuver in it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 9
Originally Posted by hopeful4
HI Ash. I am so sorry for what brings you here, but so glad you are here. YOU ARE NO MONSTER!!!!
Here is the thing. Sometimes people are too toxic to have a relationship with. It does not mean you don't love them, but until (and if) they get themselves sorted out, they are too toxic so you have to love them from afar. You said your mom wanted to go home and take morphine. She still sounds like an addict. Is it possible she is now addicted to other substances that she replaced the alcohol with? Just a guess.
This behavior goes way back obviously. People don't have their children go to foster care for no reason.
I send you huge hugs. I agree, go to Alanon or Celebrate Recovery or even a therapist (or both), that can give you face to face support. And read here, there are stories similar to your own.
You are not alone!!!
Here is the thing. Sometimes people are too toxic to have a relationship with. It does not mean you don't love them, but until (and if) they get themselves sorted out, they are too toxic so you have to love them from afar. You said your mom wanted to go home and take morphine. She still sounds like an addict. Is it possible she is now addicted to other substances that she replaced the alcohol with? Just a guess.
This behavior goes way back obviously. People don't have their children go to foster care for no reason.
I send you huge hugs. I agree, go to Alanon or Celebrate Recovery or even a therapist (or both), that can give you face to face support. And read here, there are stories similar to your own.
You are not alone!!!
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I am so glad to hear you will be getting face to face support. That's super important. Addiction, and even just toxic behavior, so many times leaves those in the path feeling ashamed and alone. Once you start speaking out, and not covering up or hiding their behaviors, and putting that focus from them onto yourself and what's good for you and your own family, things become better. It's still no picnic, but it can get better for you.
Remember that you are eventually going to be exhibiting for your own child what is acceptable behavior and how to be treated, so it's important to look at that in what you accept yourself.
Gentle hugs!
Remember that you are eventually going to be exhibiting for your own child what is acceptable behavior and how to be treated, so it's important to look at that in what you accept yourself.
Gentle hugs!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 9
Originally Posted by atalose
Welcome Ash,
Glad you found us but so sorry for the need to. I agree, give al-anon or another program a try and put some well needed distance in between you and your moms behaviors.
No doubt, you love your mother and no, you are not a monster. You like many of us here were/are frustrated and confused by alcoholism. We try to force solutions, like you always attempting to “please” mom in order to receive her approval/love and that can make for some very unreasonable thoughts and attitudes on our parts.
It is ok to be angry with the people we love and it is ok to detach from their behaviors. It is very hard trying to set boundary and stick to them while we are still trying to seek approval and their love. Our thinking is always “if I do this – then they will X” and “if I don’t do X they will not love me, they will not want me in their lives, they will not be pleased with me”.
Therapy, al-anon or some other kind of recovery program can help you stop that irrational though process and break that thinking cycle.
You probably see “helping” mom as caring, loving and attempting to bond with her and many of us here see it as mom’s “enabler”. Whatever whim your mom gets into her head, come get me, they are mean to me, bring me back there, call your siblings, etc. etc. you are going along with it despite what your better intuition is telling you.
We can learn to detach from the behaviors of the alcoholic while not having to actually detach from the alcoholic. It does not have to be all or nothing, there is a grey area and we can learn to maneuver in it.
Glad you found us but so sorry for the need to. I agree, give al-anon or another program a try and put some well needed distance in between you and your moms behaviors.
No doubt, you love your mother and no, you are not a monster. You like many of us here were/are frustrated and confused by alcoholism. We try to force solutions, like you always attempting to “please” mom in order to receive her approval/love and that can make for some very unreasonable thoughts and attitudes on our parts.
It is ok to be angry with the people we love and it is ok to detach from their behaviors. It is very hard trying to set boundary and stick to them while we are still trying to seek approval and their love. Our thinking is always “if I do this – then they will X” and “if I don’t do X they will not love me, they will not want me in their lives, they will not be pleased with me”.
Therapy, al-anon or some other kind of recovery program can help you stop that irrational though process and break that thinking cycle.
You probably see “helping” mom as caring, loving and attempting to bond with her and many of us here see it as mom’s “enabler”. Whatever whim your mom gets into her head, come get me, they are mean to me, bring me back there, call your siblings, etc. etc. you are going along with it despite what your better intuition is telling you.
We can learn to detach from the behaviors of the alcoholic while not having to actually detach from the alcoholic. It does not have to be all or nothing, there is a grey area and we can learn to maneuver in it.
And I look forward to staying on this website and keeping everyone informed on my progress. You couldn't imagine the amount of peace you have brought me even in just this quick moment because I can finally see the light.. And I can breathe a little again! X
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