My sister's childhood, and mine...
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My sister's childhood, and mine...
Historically speaking, I am someone who takes a while to figure out the cause and effect in my life. When something finally clicks, it feels like one of those Tetris pieces falling into place.
Talking to my sister on the phone tonight she relayed a story about her first day of 1st grade in a small town suburb of Chicago. I never knew this story before today. My sister was 5 years old at the time. Our Mom, apparently, drove her in the car to show her how to get to school, but she did not walk with her the first time or accompany her to get across the 4 lane highway that separated our townhouse community with the neighborhood where the school was located. She did not even drive all the way to the school--just into the neighborhood and pointed down the hill to the location of the school.
My sister says that at the end of the day, she realized that she had no idea how to get home. Luckily, she knew the name of our little complex, and found some other kids who lived in the same direction and pointed to her the way. She had to walk through people's back yards and finally found her way back to our townhouse--to be met by our Mom screaming at her that she was late and where had she been!?
Many other stories of being bullied by other kids, beaten to a pulp, and being blamed by my parents (all while in grade school) came tumbling out. Any time she tried to defend herself, she was the one who got in trouble.
I believe her...but I don't remember any of this. Although I do remember that I had to deal with my own bullying and never even tried to tell our folks about any of it. Maybe I knew somehow that it would never be listened to?
My sister has also claimed, in a conversation years ago, that Mom was an alcoholic, although I never saw it. But this story of the first day of school makes me believe that there is something to it. She was either drunk, hung-over, or just severely messed up from her own childhood.
My Mom grew up with an alcoholic mother and father who divorced when she was a baby. Her mom remarried. Her stepfather would pick her up from school, leave her in the car while he had a few drinks at the local bar, then drive her home. I hate to think what else he may have done to her and her sister. And her half-sister, the daughter that came from the marriage of her mother and stepfather, was the golden child, while Mom and her older sister were second-class citizens. I have compassion for my mom's situation, and I wonder how much of this my sister knows...and if knowing would help her somehow.
My sister is an alcoholic and cocaine addict in recovery. I can't heal her, but I hope I can eventually get her to feel as though she will always have my love and support.
Well, thank you for 'listening' to what I suspect is only the First Installment of this process.
Talking to my sister on the phone tonight she relayed a story about her first day of 1st grade in a small town suburb of Chicago. I never knew this story before today. My sister was 5 years old at the time. Our Mom, apparently, drove her in the car to show her how to get to school, but she did not walk with her the first time or accompany her to get across the 4 lane highway that separated our townhouse community with the neighborhood where the school was located. She did not even drive all the way to the school--just into the neighborhood and pointed down the hill to the location of the school.
My sister says that at the end of the day, she realized that she had no idea how to get home. Luckily, she knew the name of our little complex, and found some other kids who lived in the same direction and pointed to her the way. She had to walk through people's back yards and finally found her way back to our townhouse--to be met by our Mom screaming at her that she was late and where had she been!?
Many other stories of being bullied by other kids, beaten to a pulp, and being blamed by my parents (all while in grade school) came tumbling out. Any time she tried to defend herself, she was the one who got in trouble.
I believe her...but I don't remember any of this. Although I do remember that I had to deal with my own bullying and never even tried to tell our folks about any of it. Maybe I knew somehow that it would never be listened to?
My sister has also claimed, in a conversation years ago, that Mom was an alcoholic, although I never saw it. But this story of the first day of school makes me believe that there is something to it. She was either drunk, hung-over, or just severely messed up from her own childhood.
My Mom grew up with an alcoholic mother and father who divorced when she was a baby. Her mom remarried. Her stepfather would pick her up from school, leave her in the car while he had a few drinks at the local bar, then drive her home. I hate to think what else he may have done to her and her sister. And her half-sister, the daughter that came from the marriage of her mother and stepfather, was the golden child, while Mom and her older sister were second-class citizens. I have compassion for my mom's situation, and I wonder how much of this my sister knows...and if knowing would help her somehow.
My sister is an alcoholic and cocaine addict in recovery. I can't heal her, but I hope I can eventually get her to feel as though she will always have my love and support.
Well, thank you for 'listening' to what I suspect is only the First Installment of this process.
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Thank you Seren, for sharing this. I have similar stories, and memories. I had two alcoholic parents, and I know that these memories are painful. I hate alcohol.
I hope that your sister finds peace about it all, and you as well. I would imagine that your sister got comfort from the sharing of the painful memories. Hard to be alone with such sad things haunting us-senseless hurts for young ones.
chicory
I hope that your sister finds peace about it all, and you as well. I would imagine that your sister got comfort from the sharing of the painful memories. Hard to be alone with such sad things haunting us-senseless hurts for young ones.
chicory
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Thank you, chicory, you are very kind.
I just feel so sad for my sister, tonight. It really is as if we had two separate childhoods. She is 2 year plus 3 months older than I. I don't even remember walking to school, but perhaps we lived in the next place by the time I went to elementary school. I just remember riding a bus. Apparently she was harassed and bullied her entire primary education save her senior year in high school--which was in another school in a different state because we moved. And our parents were no support to her at all.
What is really strange is that we each tend to say "my parents" not "our parents" as if they are two different sets.
I just feel so sad for my sister, tonight. It really is as if we had two separate childhoods. She is 2 year plus 3 months older than I. I don't even remember walking to school, but perhaps we lived in the next place by the time I went to elementary school. I just remember riding a bus. Apparently she was harassed and bullied her entire primary education save her senior year in high school--which was in another school in a different state because we moved. And our parents were no support to her at all.
What is really strange is that we each tend to say "my parents" not "our parents" as if they are two different sets.
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I have read about siblings having completely different experiences - and it is due to variables: Your parents were at different ages of development, it was a different year, there were different circumstances going on in the world-family-neighborhood-work-other; you have different sensibilities and personalities and process information differently, etc. - so same parents, but "different" parents to each child, due to all of the possible variables (and I have just listed a few) . . .
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Thank you least, thank you seek.
One thing I am grateful for is that my parents were not physically abusive to us. And if Mom did drink, she did not by the time I was old enough to be aware of and remember the daily goings on. I think that because of all my Mom went through, she was very insecure and very concerned about 'what people might think'. So I guess we weren't supposed to get into trouble at all, regardless of whether or not we initiated anything.
My sister told me that one day the kids at the bus stop were throwing rocks at her, and so she finally picked up a rock to throw it back, and that is when the bus pulled up. The bus driver reported my sister to my mother. Who knows, maybe the other children got into trouble, we'll never know. But my sister sure did. She simply learned that my parents would never 'have her back'--would never support her or believe her when she would tell them what happened. She is still very resentful to this day, and I can't say that I blame her.
Somehow I guess I learned that because I never told our folks about anything I went through at school. I certainly won't now that they are in their 80's!
One thing I am grateful for is that my parents were not physically abusive to us. And if Mom did drink, she did not by the time I was old enough to be aware of and remember the daily goings on. I think that because of all my Mom went through, she was very insecure and very concerned about 'what people might think'. So I guess we weren't supposed to get into trouble at all, regardless of whether or not we initiated anything.
My sister told me that one day the kids at the bus stop were throwing rocks at her, and so she finally picked up a rock to throw it back, and that is when the bus pulled up. The bus driver reported my sister to my mother. Who knows, maybe the other children got into trouble, we'll never know. But my sister sure did. She simply learned that my parents would never 'have her back'--would never support her or believe her when she would tell them what happened. She is still very resentful to this day, and I can't say that I blame her.
Somehow I guess I learned that because I never told our folks about anything I went through at school. I certainly won't now that they are in their 80's!
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That's one heck of a memory to have resurface Seren, even if it your sister's. Wow.My sister & I are just under 3 years apart in age, but if you heard stories of our childhoods you'd think we were raised by entirely different parents, in entirely different households. My mother literally mothered us differently based on our birth order/personalities & still does, subconsciously, to a huge degree.
On the whole, as the older sister my memories are more like war stories that explain where I earned my battle scars while hers showcase a very sheltered & protected child, growing up in the middle of a dysfunctional mess that everyone tried to shield her from. For me everything was very raw & real but for her everything wore a mask to hide all of that..... until one day when that mask shattered & she realized everything she thought she knew about the people closest to her was a lie.
From very, very young ages, my addict father used to tell us that I was strong like an oak tree - deeply rooted in my sense of Self, but that my sister was weak like a willow, willing to bend & follow every blowing wind. So that's what we became, having heard it repeated over & over & having it restated in actions & their treatment of us. It's a total mind-bend when I step back & look at it now.
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It's no wonder she used to resent me...and I never understood it. And I am a far stronger person than it seems my whole family believes me to be. I guess I'm grateful that I never took in that part of what my 'assigned role' was.
I pray that someday she finds peace and forgiveness - for her sake. Forgiveness, of those who bullied her as children. Forgiveness of my parents for their incompetence and dysfunction. Forgiveness so that *she* will be free--not that what happened was OK at all.
I pray that someday she finds peace and forgiveness - for her sake. Forgiveness, of those who bullied her as children. Forgiveness of my parents for their incompetence and dysfunction. Forgiveness so that *she* will be free--not that what happened was OK at all.
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Seren - I have a similar situation in that me and my sister were treated differently and at times my mum was incredibly cruel.
I remember walking home from school in the dark and being scared as she refused to come and meet me.
I too walked behind another child and her parent.
There were many, many episodes of cruel behaviour.
My sister experienced none.
Worse for me though is that cruel behaviour continues and when I try to discuss it, my parents turn it round to me being bitter. Or they deny any knowledge of it taking place which causes further fury from me.
I have argued and argued for years about it.
I went no contact for a year and they promised to change.
If you see my most recent thread, they have not changed and are back to what they do best - denying, isolating, cruel behaviour.
I heard the line 'same family home, same parents different childhoods' and it resonated with me.
For me the fact that someone would acknowledge what I went through instead of denying would be a huge emotional relief.
I expect the same for your sister.
I self medicated a lot with drink to forget.
It blocked out the daily thoughts of why did they do that to me and not to her.
I think offering your sister support and understanding would be appreciated.
Unfortunately I have been 'blessed' with an incredible memory.
I remember so many details.
However because they don't believe it, they see it as me making things up and being difficult.
They remember none of the memories that caused me anguish.
I found it so painful when I outlined a painful memory such as 'i was scared walking home from school on my own in the dark that I might be abducted or raped' and it is met with not 'that must of been awful' but 'I don't remember that, she wouldn't have done that would she? She didn't do it to me. Are you sure?'
I wish you and your sister the best.
I remember walking home from school in the dark and being scared as she refused to come and meet me.
I too walked behind another child and her parent.
There were many, many episodes of cruel behaviour.
My sister experienced none.
Worse for me though is that cruel behaviour continues and when I try to discuss it, my parents turn it round to me being bitter. Or they deny any knowledge of it taking place which causes further fury from me.
I have argued and argued for years about it.
I went no contact for a year and they promised to change.
If you see my most recent thread, they have not changed and are back to what they do best - denying, isolating, cruel behaviour.
I heard the line 'same family home, same parents different childhoods' and it resonated with me.
For me the fact that someone would acknowledge what I went through instead of denying would be a huge emotional relief.
I expect the same for your sister.
I self medicated a lot with drink to forget.
It blocked out the daily thoughts of why did they do that to me and not to her.
I think offering your sister support and understanding would be appreciated.
Unfortunately I have been 'blessed' with an incredible memory.
I remember so many details.
However because they don't believe it, they see it as me making things up and being difficult.
They remember none of the memories that caused me anguish.
I found it so painful when I outlined a painful memory such as 'i was scared walking home from school on my own in the dark that I might be abducted or raped' and it is met with not 'that must of been awful' but 'I don't remember that, she wouldn't have done that would she? She didn't do it to me. Are you sure?'
I wish you and your sister the best.
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My sister's childhood was very different than mine was. She'll never admit it, because she was blind to most of it.
All that matters is that you experienced what you experienced. It does not make it any less real just because she didn't experience it.
My sister is completely incapable of empathy and I believe that is why she was blind to a lot of it.
My mother also was most abusive toward me when no one else was around. Since I was "the problem child" (which is a complete joke), my sister and everyone else in the family believed what my mother said.
All that matters is that you experienced what you experienced. It does not make it any less real just because she didn't experience it.
My sister is completely incapable of empathy and I believe that is why she was blind to a lot of it.
My mother also was most abusive toward me when no one else was around. Since I was "the problem child" (which is a complete joke), my sister and everyone else in the family believed what my mother said.
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Hugs, Sasha!! We're close in age! You're not alone!
Your post resonated a lot with me.
I also have an incredibly detailed memory and so they cannot win if they try to make me question my own memory.
Sasha you may want to look up "scapegoat child". I hope that helps.
Don't let them gaslight you, either. They'll always deny how they treated you. That won't change. They're incapable of seeing the truth. They either have zero self-awareness, or they know exactly what they're doing to you and they just don't care.
They will never acknowledge how you were treated. You MUST validate it for yourself. That's really the only validation that matters.
About 10 years ago I told my mother about a woman I saw hit her child in an abusive, angry sort of way. My mother said in front of everyone, "I never did that with you kids." I actually said, "What's the matter mom, have a case of amnesia now?" The room felt silent. I called her out on it. But I won't ever do that again because I know the truth and that's all that matters. It's not worth the risk of her causing a ton of drama or accusing me of lying or making up some rational that I was a "difficult child" or something.
Save your breath--don't try to point out their treatment because they'll never own up to it and will always say you're just imaging in, or they'll put back how they treat you onto you. You may way to look up narcissistic personality disordered parents (different than just having a narcissistic parent) or borderline personality disordered parents and see if any of that helps.
I'm sorry your sister just doesn't see it, but do you think there's a chance she might be open to the truth after you do some research and have her read it, too? Or will that cause more trouble, in case she tells your mother what you showed her?
Your post resonated a lot with me. I also have an incredibly detailed memory and so they cannot win if they try to make me question my own memory.
Sasha you may want to look up "scapegoat child". I hope that helps.
Don't let them gaslight you, either. They'll always deny how they treated you. That won't change. They're incapable of seeing the truth. They either have zero self-awareness, or they know exactly what they're doing to you and they just don't care.
They will never acknowledge how you were treated. You MUST validate it for yourself. That's really the only validation that matters.
About 10 years ago I told my mother about a woman I saw hit her child in an abusive, angry sort of way. My mother said in front of everyone, "I never did that with you kids." I actually said, "What's the matter mom, have a case of amnesia now?" The room felt silent. I called her out on it. But I won't ever do that again because I know the truth and that's all that matters. It's not worth the risk of her causing a ton of drama or accusing me of lying or making up some rational that I was a "difficult child" or something.
Save your breath--don't try to point out their treatment because they'll never own up to it and will always say you're just imaging in, or they'll put back how they treat you onto you. You may way to look up narcissistic personality disordered parents (different than just having a narcissistic parent) or borderline personality disordered parents and see if any of that helps.
I'm sorry your sister just doesn't see it, but do you think there's a chance she might be open to the truth after you do some research and have her read it, too? Or will that cause more trouble, in case she tells your mother what you showed her?
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Location: London
Posts: 121
Originally Posted by Sasha4 
Seren - I have a similar situation in that me and my sister were treated differently and at times my mum was incredibly cruel.
I remember walking home from school in the dark and being scared as she refused to come and meet me.
I too walked behind another child and her parent.
There were many, many episodes of cruel behaviour.
My sister experienced none.
Worse for me though is that cruel behaviour continues and when I try to discuss it, my parents turn it round to me being bitter. Or they deny any knowledge of it taking place which causes further fury from me.
I have argued and argued for years about it.
I went no contact for a year and they promised to change.
If you see my most recent thread, they have not changed and are back to what they do best - denying, isolating, cruel behaviour.
I heard the line 'same family home, same parents different childhoods' and it resonated with me.
For me the fact that someone would acknowledge what I went through instead of denying would be a huge emotional relief.
I expect the same for your sister.
I self medicated a lot with drink to forget.
It blocked out the daily thoughts of why did they do that to me and not to her.
I think offering your sister support and understanding would be appreciated.
Unfortunately I have been 'blessed' with an incredible memory.
I remember so many details.
However because they don't believe it, they see it as me making things up and being difficult.
They remember none of the memories that caused me anguish.
I found it so painful when I outlined a painful memory such as 'i was scared walking home from school on my own in the dark that I might be abducted or raped' and it is met with not 'that must of been awful' but 'I don't remember that, she wouldn't have done that would she? She didn't do it to me. Are you sure?'
I wish you and your sister the best.
I remember walking home from school in the dark and being scared as she refused to come and meet me.
I too walked behind another child and her parent.
There were many, many episodes of cruel behaviour.
My sister experienced none.
Worse for me though is that cruel behaviour continues and when I try to discuss it, my parents turn it round to me being bitter. Or they deny any knowledge of it taking place which causes further fury from me.
I have argued and argued for years about it.
I went no contact for a year and they promised to change.
If you see my most recent thread, they have not changed and are back to what they do best - denying, isolating, cruel behaviour.
I heard the line 'same family home, same parents different childhoods' and it resonated with me.
For me the fact that someone would acknowledge what I went through instead of denying would be a huge emotional relief.
I expect the same for your sister.
I self medicated a lot with drink to forget.
It blocked out the daily thoughts of why did they do that to me and not to her.
I think offering your sister support and understanding would be appreciated.
Unfortunately I have been 'blessed' with an incredible memory.
I remember so many details.
However because they don't believe it, they see it as me making things up and being difficult.
They remember none of the memories that caused me anguish.
I found it so painful when I outlined a painful memory such as 'i was scared walking home from school on my own in the dark that I might be abducted or raped' and it is met with not 'that must of been awful' but 'I don't remember that, she wouldn't have done that would she? She didn't do it to me. Are you sure?'
I wish you and your sister the best.
I see they are lying, but thats an admission of guilt so thats it for me I cant make them accept but at least I know.
Parents can treat their children so differently and do in many many cases.
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