I chose to breathe, my own breath
Dont Fade Away,,,,....
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Bangkok, Thailand
Posts: 21
I chose to breathe, my own breath
October 23, 2004
Dear Al-anon, Family & Friends,
I realized today that my husband is insane, and that I am powerless over alcohol. I realized today that if I let go and let god, I will find peace, hope and serenity in my life. I realized today that I deserve to live a life full of integrity, honor and courage.
I realize today, that I am, free…..
October 1, 2004, my thirtieth birthday. I removed my husband from my home, my sacred space. He had come home at 4:30am, intoxicated, the day of my birthday. At that moment, I realized that this disease shows no respect and honor towards the closest members of his life, I his wife, and his surrounding friends and family. I realize that this is a disease of the brain and nervous system, and I am powerless against it. I also released the illusions, that if “he loved me, us.” He would change.
I realized that I cannot control the outcome of his destiny, and by enabling him, by lying to my family, myself and others, paying our bills/rent/food, and supporting him emotionally, physically and spiritually. That he was living vicariously through my visions that “Everything is alright” that if I love him enough, I can hide this ugly thing,
I can hide, Mr. Hyde.
I decided I will no longer stain his pillow with my tears. And removed him from my home. To bring you up to speed, on August 15, 2004 during a day of “Pattern” my husband returned home at 6am. I had locked him out of our home. With his anger, he told me he would just take the car and leave, I knew he would eventually, hurt someone, if I was to let him leave, not only others, himself, but me….So I ran to the garage in my nightgown and bare feet, and he was pulling out of the dark in light speed, I opened the passenger door, and tried to remove the keys from the ignition, he…stepped on the gas and sped up, which in return caused the door to swing back hitting the garage door and snapping shut breaking my arm in three places, as well as the tire running over my foot and spraining two toes.
In this rage, I didn’t realize I was hurt. This was the worst it has ever been. He snuck into the house, while I was still outside, and when I confronted him, he laughed at me, gave me the finger and passed out naked on “Our” bed. I then packed my things, grabbed all the keys to our home and car, and drove myself to my grandfathers, as I was driving I realized that I could not feel my arm, so I drove to the hospital in Kirkland. Indeed, my arm was broken. I again, Lied to the Dr. I was ashamed, and hid my tears behind my pathetic lies of how I fell pouring plaster, because I am a sculptor. He said to me, “That’s interesting Mrs. De la Barreda, because your arm is broken from an impact from the side, not falling down and catching your weight.” I said, “That is what happened.” I was humiliated. The staff of young nurses, aids and Dr.’s looked at each other with that look, I know you know what I mean, The “oh poor woman.” Look. Or maybe by that time, it was just paranoia. I was away for three days, and no phone call, he never calls when I leave, he sits at home in the darkness, waiting for me to return, I would always return.
My sister finally called him, and told him my arm was broken as well as my toes. He didn’t say anything. I decided to finally go home, when my husband saw me, he ran to the toilet and vomited. I am unsure if it was the alcohol, marijuana, or pure fear, that he indeed has hurt me, and was taking responsibility for his emotions, I cannot tell.
He said he would stop drinking. That lasted a week. This leads us to today. Close friends, members of his band and friends from Eugene, OR. As well as friends involved with the AA program and Al-anon here in Seattle, were planning an Intervention on November 7, 2004. I took many risks, writing a letter to his younger brother was one of them. I wanted him to know, the truth. Finally I receive a phone call from his brother, he told me he was unsure of what to do, that he himself was an alcoholic, as well as their mother, and father. He was, afraid. He didn’t know how to confront his older brother, his hero, the rock star.
Well, after time, he decided to come and join us in Seattle for the intervention. Yesterday, feeling weak, and without power, I called the place where my husband was living, at this time I haven’t heard from my husband in 22 days. I told his housemate to have my husband call me so we can sign the annulment papers in person. Well, to my shock and horror, my husband responded in anger and said he knew of the Intervention on the 7th and that his brother had told him everything. He said he has a restraining order against me and that his “Enabling roommates” users of alcohol/drugs/etc. were told not to let me near the house or he’d have me arrested. He said mail the papers to him, he sign them and be free of me. I realized, wow..This must be an Intervention, because the truth is out now, I loved him enough to try. I still love him, but set him free. I guess, it was an Intervention, because now he knows we all know….
I was shocked. I thought, what happened? How did this back fire? What the hell?
I was silent. I hung up the phone. And realized my husband is insane, and that I am powerless over alcohol and this disease. I was upset that his brother told him. But then again, I forgot about my education, and then realized, well, he is also an alcoholic. And let it go. I removed the negative drug talk and anger from my mind, took a deep breath and smiled. I have decided to breathe for me, not for two or for others, to find my spirit, my way, and my pathway to my heart….to indeed, find joy and my “Smile.”
So here I am. Not knowing what to do, or where to go from hear. One thing I can say is thank you to Al-anon, my family and friends. And that I am free from arguing with insanity. One day at a time, let go and let god…..and so it is….This is my story.
May you be filled with loving kindness
May you be well
May you be filled with peacefulness and ease
May you be happy
Vaya con dios my love……
Teresa E. de la Barreda
Seattle, WA
Dear Al-anon, Family & Friends,
I realized today that my husband is insane, and that I am powerless over alcohol. I realized today that if I let go and let god, I will find peace, hope and serenity in my life. I realized today that I deserve to live a life full of integrity, honor and courage.
I realize today, that I am, free…..
October 1, 2004, my thirtieth birthday. I removed my husband from my home, my sacred space. He had come home at 4:30am, intoxicated, the day of my birthday. At that moment, I realized that this disease shows no respect and honor towards the closest members of his life, I his wife, and his surrounding friends and family. I realize that this is a disease of the brain and nervous system, and I am powerless against it. I also released the illusions, that if “he loved me, us.” He would change.
I realized that I cannot control the outcome of his destiny, and by enabling him, by lying to my family, myself and others, paying our bills/rent/food, and supporting him emotionally, physically and spiritually. That he was living vicariously through my visions that “Everything is alright” that if I love him enough, I can hide this ugly thing,
I can hide, Mr. Hyde.
I decided I will no longer stain his pillow with my tears. And removed him from my home. To bring you up to speed, on August 15, 2004 during a day of “Pattern” my husband returned home at 6am. I had locked him out of our home. With his anger, he told me he would just take the car and leave, I knew he would eventually, hurt someone, if I was to let him leave, not only others, himself, but me….So I ran to the garage in my nightgown and bare feet, and he was pulling out of the dark in light speed, I opened the passenger door, and tried to remove the keys from the ignition, he…stepped on the gas and sped up, which in return caused the door to swing back hitting the garage door and snapping shut breaking my arm in three places, as well as the tire running over my foot and spraining two toes.
In this rage, I didn’t realize I was hurt. This was the worst it has ever been. He snuck into the house, while I was still outside, and when I confronted him, he laughed at me, gave me the finger and passed out naked on “Our” bed. I then packed my things, grabbed all the keys to our home and car, and drove myself to my grandfathers, as I was driving I realized that I could not feel my arm, so I drove to the hospital in Kirkland. Indeed, my arm was broken. I again, Lied to the Dr. I was ashamed, and hid my tears behind my pathetic lies of how I fell pouring plaster, because I am a sculptor. He said to me, “That’s interesting Mrs. De la Barreda, because your arm is broken from an impact from the side, not falling down and catching your weight.” I said, “That is what happened.” I was humiliated. The staff of young nurses, aids and Dr.’s looked at each other with that look, I know you know what I mean, The “oh poor woman.” Look. Or maybe by that time, it was just paranoia. I was away for three days, and no phone call, he never calls when I leave, he sits at home in the darkness, waiting for me to return, I would always return.
My sister finally called him, and told him my arm was broken as well as my toes. He didn’t say anything. I decided to finally go home, when my husband saw me, he ran to the toilet and vomited. I am unsure if it was the alcohol, marijuana, or pure fear, that he indeed has hurt me, and was taking responsibility for his emotions, I cannot tell.
He said he would stop drinking. That lasted a week. This leads us to today. Close friends, members of his band and friends from Eugene, OR. As well as friends involved with the AA program and Al-anon here in Seattle, were planning an Intervention on November 7, 2004. I took many risks, writing a letter to his younger brother was one of them. I wanted him to know, the truth. Finally I receive a phone call from his brother, he told me he was unsure of what to do, that he himself was an alcoholic, as well as their mother, and father. He was, afraid. He didn’t know how to confront his older brother, his hero, the rock star.
Well, after time, he decided to come and join us in Seattle for the intervention. Yesterday, feeling weak, and without power, I called the place where my husband was living, at this time I haven’t heard from my husband in 22 days. I told his housemate to have my husband call me so we can sign the annulment papers in person. Well, to my shock and horror, my husband responded in anger and said he knew of the Intervention on the 7th and that his brother had told him everything. He said he has a restraining order against me and that his “Enabling roommates” users of alcohol/drugs/etc. were told not to let me near the house or he’d have me arrested. He said mail the papers to him, he sign them and be free of me. I realized, wow..This must be an Intervention, because the truth is out now, I loved him enough to try. I still love him, but set him free. I guess, it was an Intervention, because now he knows we all know….
I was shocked. I thought, what happened? How did this back fire? What the hell?
I was silent. I hung up the phone. And realized my husband is insane, and that I am powerless over alcohol and this disease. I was upset that his brother told him. But then again, I forgot about my education, and then realized, well, he is also an alcoholic. And let it go. I removed the negative drug talk and anger from my mind, took a deep breath and smiled. I have decided to breathe for me, not for two or for others, to find my spirit, my way, and my pathway to my heart….to indeed, find joy and my “Smile.”
So here I am. Not knowing what to do, or where to go from hear. One thing I can say is thank you to Al-anon, my family and friends. And that I am free from arguing with insanity. One day at a time, let go and let god…..and so it is….This is my story.
May you be filled with loving kindness
May you be well
May you be filled with peacefulness and ease
May you be happy
Vaya con dios my love……
Teresa E. de la Barreda
Seattle, WA
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
Wow! That was extremely well written. And I thank you for sharing your story with us here.
Welcome to SR. Though it's unfortunate that you were brought here, I hope that it's a place where you will feel welcomed and share your journey with us as you recover your life and your dreams and be all that you can be.
There are many wonderful people here to help you on your way, give you support, and welcome you with open cyber arms.
((((Hugs to you))))!!!!
Welcome to SR. Though it's unfortunate that you were brought here, I hope that it's a place where you will feel welcomed and share your journey with us as you recover your life and your dreams and be all that you can be.
There are many wonderful people here to help you on your way, give you support, and welcome you with open cyber arms.
((((Hugs to you))))!!!!
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Teresa
Welcome. Your story brought tears to my eyes. how sad it is, this disease and the behaviour that can go with it. But I can hear the strength and courage in your post, and am happy that you have come to join us.
Hugs
Ann
Welcome. Your story brought tears to my eyes. how sad it is, this disease and the behaviour that can go with it. But I can hear the strength and courage in your post, and am happy that you have come to join us.
Hugs
Ann
Sometimes, It takes awhile!!!
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: where my feet are!!!
Posts: 58
Hello Teresa,
Welcome to SR. I have been here a few months. I am an alcoholic and attend AA and sometimes Alanon. But it sure is nice to have SR. Its like having recovery people right here in my home!!!
Your story is a familiar one to me. And it helped me to read your story, hearing the courage and love you shared. Recovery is such a wonderful journey. Although at times painful or scary, but with it comes sanity and serenity. When I read the part about the intervention...I thought of the part in the BB.....nothing absolutely nothing happens in Gods world by mistake!!! So, I suppose in went just the way it was supposed to!!! All is well! no matter what the circumstances look like, God is still at work in all our lives, because he loves us always and wants the very best for us!!!
Welcome to SR. I have been here a few months. I am an alcoholic and attend AA and sometimes Alanon. But it sure is nice to have SR. Its like having recovery people right here in my home!!!
Your story is a familiar one to me. And it helped me to read your story, hearing the courage and love you shared. Recovery is such a wonderful journey. Although at times painful or scary, but with it comes sanity and serenity. When I read the part about the intervention...I thought of the part in the BB.....nothing absolutely nothing happens in Gods world by mistake!!! So, I suppose in went just the way it was supposed to!!! All is well! no matter what the circumstances look like, God is still at work in all our lives, because he loves us always and wants the very best for us!!!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Welcome to this forum :-)
My heart is with you Teresa. I'm glad you have taken all the actions you have. Hang close to your friends in Al-Anon, they will hold you up when you feel weak.
Yes, I understand that feeling exactly. Here is what you do. Pick up the phone and call one of your friends in Al-Anon. Doesnt' matter which one, how about the one at the top of the list. Tell them how you are feeling, tell them that you want to hear what's going in _their_ life. If you don't find the first person on the list, go to the next one. Keep going down the list until you find one.
Que dios te bendiga, Teresa.
Mike :-)
(aka Miguel Angel)
My heart is with you Teresa. I'm glad you have taken all the actions you have. Hang close to your friends in Al-Anon, they will hold you up when you feel weak.
Originally Posted by delabarreda74
... So here I am. Not knowing what to do, or where to go from hear...
Que dios te bendiga, Teresa.
Mike :-)
(aka Miguel Angel)
Dont Fade Away,,,,....
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Bangkok, Thailand
Posts: 21
Originally Posted by StandingStrong
Wow! That was extremely well written. And I thank you for sharing your story with us here.
Welcome to SR. Though it's unfortunate that you were brought here, I hope that it's a place where you will feel welcomed and share your journey with us as you recover your life and your dreams and be all that you can be.
There are many wonderful people here to help you on your way, give you support, and welcome you with open cyber arms.
((((Hugs to you))))!!!!
Welcome to SR. Though it's unfortunate that you were brought here, I hope that it's a place where you will feel welcomed and share your journey with us as you recover your life and your dreams and be all that you can be.
There are many wonderful people here to help you on your way, give you support, and welcome you with open cyber arms.
((((Hugs to you))))!!!!
Like I said, he is in the dark, believe it or not, he has a heart like gabriel but a soul like a lucifer....somewhere in between, the yin and yang, is our love...
thank you.
Dont Fade Away,,,,....
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Bangkok, Thailand
Posts: 21
Originally Posted by Ann
Teresa
Welcome. Your story brought tears to my eyes. how sad it is, this disease and the behaviour that can go with it. But I can hear the strength and courage in your post, and am happy that you have come to join us.
Hugs
Ann
Welcome. Your story brought tears to my eyes. how sad it is, this disease and the behaviour that can go with it. But I can hear the strength and courage in your post, and am happy that you have come to join us.
Hugs
Ann
Dont Fade Away,,,,....
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Bangkok, Thailand
Posts: 21
Originally Posted by serenity777
When I read the part about the intervention...I thought of the part in the BB.....nothing absolutely nothing happens in Gods world by mistake!!! So, I suppose in went just the way it was supposed to!!! All is well! no matter what the circumstances look like, God is still at work in all our lives, because he loves us always and wants the very best for us!!!
Dont Fade Away,,,,....
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Bangkok, Thailand
Posts: 21
Originally Posted by DesertEyes
Welcome to this forum :-)
My heart is with you Teresa. I'm glad you have taken all the actions you have. Hang close to your friends in Al-Anon, they will hold you up when you feel weak.
Que dios te bendiga, Teresa.
Mike :-)
(aka Miguel Angel)
My heart is with you Teresa. I'm glad you have taken all the actions you have. Hang close to your friends in Al-Anon, they will hold you up when you feel weak.
Que dios te bendiga, Teresa.
Mike :-)
(aka Miguel Angel)
Dont Fade Away,,,,....
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Bangkok, Thailand
Posts: 21
Originally Posted by abtchonamission
Your story touched my heart. Please keep coming back. You'll find a lot of support here at SR.
Trisha
Trisha
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 407
Teresa -
I read your story and thought, "Thank God it's over." I know what you are feeling. I know what it feels like to be physically hurt by someone you love when they are not in their right mind or "insane." There is only so much a person can take - or should take - and I am thankful that you have come to realize that this is his insanity and does not need to be yours. I remember the feeling of not being able to breathe right when things got bad. It has been six months since I left and I breathe really well now!!!!! No constriction in my lungs or chest. My sense of peace and well being is huge. So, thank God that you found your way out before you were hurt worse both physically and emotionally. I promise you that your life will change for the better. I hope that in time you will come to feel the peace that I do.
Big hugs and take care of yourself.
Jo
I read your story and thought, "Thank God it's over." I know what you are feeling. I know what it feels like to be physically hurt by someone you love when they are not in their right mind or "insane." There is only so much a person can take - or should take - and I am thankful that you have come to realize that this is his insanity and does not need to be yours. I remember the feeling of not being able to breathe right when things got bad. It has been six months since I left and I breathe really well now!!!!! No constriction in my lungs or chest. My sense of peace and well being is huge. So, thank God that you found your way out before you were hurt worse both physically and emotionally. I promise you that your life will change for the better. I hope that in time you will come to feel the peace that I do.
Big hugs and take care of yourself.
Jo
Dont Fade Away,,,,....
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Bangkok, Thailand
Posts: 21
Originally Posted by jojo
Teresa -
Big hugs and take care of yourself.
Jo
Big hugs and take care of yourself.
Jo
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