Brand new - First Post
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 3
Brand new - First Post
First of all - Hello to all of you. I found this site a few days ago and have read several posts and I am SO HAPPY I FOUND YOU ALL! I read posts from other SOAs that resonated so strongly with me and my own situation and then I read some amazingly useful and supportive responses and advice.
I'm on my own personal journey of recovery as I have recently stood up for myself and asked my AH of 15 years to stay gone after one of his drunken tirades where he told me he was leaving because I was a bitch. The next day when he sobered up and realized what he had done, he did his usual apology thing and blamed his behavior on stress (never alcohol - it wasn't a problem, of course). This time though, my heart felt different. I had had enough and he wasn't welcome back. Hence, my own journey to recovery.
This was a month ago. It took about a week to realize what he had lost (a roof over his head, a son, and a wife who asked almost nothing of him other than to treat her with respect). Whether it was actually just the fear of having to be on his own (this is my theory), or the reality that he lost the person that he claims to love (and her love in return), he has chosen to be sober for three weeks now and asked a good friend who has been very active in AA to sponsor him. He claims he wants to be clean and healthy and take back his life. Both professionally and personally, as his drinking and his choices have had negative effects on both.
Here is todays question
I am trying to communication to a minimum right now as I feel strongly that I deserve my own time to heal and get stronger. It feels so damn good to have all that toxic energy out of the house. I don't believe he is actually going to AA meetings yet for one excuse or another. I don't know whether our marriage is salvageable at this point. What I do know is that there is no way I want to be with that alcoholic personality ever again! So....from your experiences, does he even truly stand a chance of keeping himself clean without going to the meetings and doing the work, or is this a typical knee jerk reaction to his loss and what can I expect next? I'm actually finding the overly angelic, trying to make amends thing pretty tiring and don't trust him at all. That said, we have a history, a son and he was once the love of my life. Could it ever be re-claimed?
Oh, and I just located an al-anon meeting in my area and am really hoping it will be a good fit. I have a feeling I'm going to need all the strength and support I can get over the next several months.
I'm on my own personal journey of recovery as I have recently stood up for myself and asked my AH of 15 years to stay gone after one of his drunken tirades where he told me he was leaving because I was a bitch. The next day when he sobered up and realized what he had done, he did his usual apology thing and blamed his behavior on stress (never alcohol - it wasn't a problem, of course). This time though, my heart felt different. I had had enough and he wasn't welcome back. Hence, my own journey to recovery.
This was a month ago. It took about a week to realize what he had lost (a roof over his head, a son, and a wife who asked almost nothing of him other than to treat her with respect). Whether it was actually just the fear of having to be on his own (this is my theory), or the reality that he lost the person that he claims to love (and her love in return), he has chosen to be sober for three weeks now and asked a good friend who has been very active in AA to sponsor him. He claims he wants to be clean and healthy and take back his life. Both professionally and personally, as his drinking and his choices have had negative effects on both.
Here is todays question
I am trying to communication to a minimum right now as I feel strongly that I deserve my own time to heal and get stronger. It feels so damn good to have all that toxic energy out of the house. I don't believe he is actually going to AA meetings yet for one excuse or another. I don't know whether our marriage is salvageable at this point. What I do know is that there is no way I want to be with that alcoholic personality ever again! So....from your experiences, does he even truly stand a chance of keeping himself clean without going to the meetings and doing the work, or is this a typical knee jerk reaction to his loss and what can I expect next? I'm actually finding the overly angelic, trying to make amends thing pretty tiring and don't trust him at all. That said, we have a history, a son and he was once the love of my life. Could it ever be re-claimed?
Oh, and I just located an al-anon meeting in my area and am really hoping it will be a good fit. I have a feeling I'm going to need all the strength and support I can get over the next several months.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Hi and welcome. So glad you are here.
No one can tell you what his chances are -- there's no roadmap or checklist or anything that guarantees success. However, your instinct to focus on you, your son, and your own recovery no matter what he does or doesn't do sounds like an excellent one to me.
No one can tell you what his chances are -- there's no roadmap or checklist or anything that guarantees success. However, your instinct to focus on you, your son, and your own recovery no matter what he does or doesn't do sounds like an excellent one to me.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Hello and welcome, I am sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here.
Thing is, no one knows. Most alcoholics need assistance to gain LONG TERM sobriety. Many can do it for the short term, but I know of very few who can stay the course. It does not have to be AA. It can be therapy or other programs as well. It's quite easy to say this now b/c he has lost a lot. However, when put into the same environment again, the temptation is much greater.
I think it's great you plan to go to Alanon. If you don't like one group, try another. Face to face support is so important. Also, the fine people here at SR are wonderful, so feel free to post as much or as little as you would like! You are not alone!
I will say that I don't believe in listening to anything to comes out of an addicts mouth. They believe themselves so many times. I don't say this with malice, it's just the nature of addiction. It's actions, over the course of a LONG time, that show if a person is in recovery, or not.
Thing is, no one knows. Most alcoholics need assistance to gain LONG TERM sobriety. Many can do it for the short term, but I know of very few who can stay the course. It does not have to be AA. It can be therapy or other programs as well. It's quite easy to say this now b/c he has lost a lot. However, when put into the same environment again, the temptation is much greater.
I think it's great you plan to go to Alanon. If you don't like one group, try another. Face to face support is so important. Also, the fine people here at SR are wonderful, so feel free to post as much or as little as you would like! You are not alone!
I will say that I don't believe in listening to anything to comes out of an addicts mouth. They believe themselves so many times. I don't say this with malice, it's just the nature of addiction. It's actions, over the course of a LONG time, that show if a person is in recovery, or not.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, icherishme, and welcome. Glad you are here, but sorry for what has brought you to this site.
There is tons of support here.
Many, many posters will agree with you that having the alcoholic out of the house is a big relief and an opportunity to just breathe.
I don't know if your spouse will stay sober long term.
As others have said, chances of success with sobriety are higher if the person has a plan, whether it's AA, or a secular meeting group like SMART.
Not drinking is not recovery. It's a good start, but it's only the beginning of his journey.
I would not be in a rush to take him back, nor would I rush to divorce court.
I would look at his actions and disregard his words.
Behavior going forward is what counts.
Recovery looks like recovery. Not drinking, working a program, accepting responsibility for past actions.
You will know it when you see it.
Good luck. Keep coming back.
There is tons of support here.
Many, many posters will agree with you that having the alcoholic out of the house is a big relief and an opportunity to just breathe.
I don't know if your spouse will stay sober long term.
As others have said, chances of success with sobriety are higher if the person has a plan, whether it's AA, or a secular meeting group like SMART.
Not drinking is not recovery. It's a good start, but it's only the beginning of his journey.
I would not be in a rush to take him back, nor would I rush to divorce court.
I would look at his actions and disregard his words.
Behavior going forward is what counts.
Recovery looks like recovery. Not drinking, working a program, accepting responsibility for past actions.
You will know it when you see it.
Good luck. Keep coming back.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
So....from your experiences, does he even truly stand a chance of keeping himself clean without going to the meetings and doing the work, or is this a typical knee jerk reaction to his loss and what can I expect next?
What you can possibly expect is for him to act on his best behavior, talk the right talk and get himself back into his comfort zone at home where drinking probably will happen again.
That said, we have a history, a son and he was once the love of my life. Could it ever be re-claimed?
I’m glad you are reaching out and looking into al-anon or a similar kind of recovery program for you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
Welcome Cherish, IME I think he could stay sober without a program. Mine has been sober since Easter. He can't loose that alcoholic personality without some work and not in three weeks. It's a knee jerk reaction. My husband makes little or no effort to identify character flaws, marriage issues. The trust issues also take time to rebuild.
Three weeks will just lead back to status quo with minimal changes or no changes at all, IME.
Three weeks will just lead back to status quo with minimal changes or no changes at all, IME.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Welcome to SR, icm. Glad you found us here.
Just wanted to say that this
and this
are really at odds with this
In the heat of things, it's hard to think clearly, and you sound as confused as I was when I first came here.
As others have pointed out, it's only been 3 weeks. He cannot possibly have eradicated years of alcoholic thinking and behavior in that short time. Likewise, you can't possibly heal from years of damage in a few weeks, especially when you don't trust or believe the A is actually working a recovery program (by the way, my XAH faked going to AA meetings for FOUR YEARS--and then started actually going when I found out about it, but all he did was to physically be present in the room, never did any of the work that recovery requires).
As others said, nothing permanent needs to be decided right this moment. Getting yourself to Alanon for some f2f support and education is a great idea; SR and Alanon were a great combo for me. Not sure how old your boy is, but maybe Alateen would be helpful for him, too.
And as far as AH, if you do not want him in your life at this time, you have every right to make that decision and take action on whatever living situation will make life better for you and your son right now. Getting some distance from the insanity of live w/an active A will almost certainly give you a much clearer perspective as well as some time, space and peace to heal, learn and grow.
Just wanted to say that this
What I do know is that there is no way I want to be with that alcoholic personality ever again!
I'm actually finding the overly angelic, trying to make amends thing pretty tiring and don't trust him at all.
That said, we have a history, a son and he was once the love of my life. Could it ever be re-claimed?
As others have pointed out, it's only been 3 weeks. He cannot possibly have eradicated years of alcoholic thinking and behavior in that short time. Likewise, you can't possibly heal from years of damage in a few weeks, especially when you don't trust or believe the A is actually working a recovery program (by the way, my XAH faked going to AA meetings for FOUR YEARS--and then started actually going when I found out about it, but all he did was to physically be present in the room, never did any of the work that recovery requires).
As others said, nothing permanent needs to be decided right this moment. Getting yourself to Alanon for some f2f support and education is a great idea; SR and Alanon were a great combo for me. Not sure how old your boy is, but maybe Alateen would be helpful for him, too.
And as far as AH, if you do not want him in your life at this time, you have every right to make that decision and take action on whatever living situation will make life better for you and your son right now. Getting some distance from the insanity of live w/an active A will almost certainly give you a much clearer perspective as well as some time, space and peace to heal, learn and grow.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 844
Originally Posted by icherishme 
I am trying to communication to a minimum right now as I feel strongly that I deserve my own time to heal and get stronger. It feels so damn good to have all that toxic energy out of the house. I don't believe he is actually going to AA meetings yet for one excuse or another. I don't know whether our marriage is salvageable at this point. What I do know is that there is no way I want to be with that alcoholic personality ever again! So....from your experiences, does he even truly stand a chance of keeping himself clean without going to the meetings and doing the work, or is this a typical knee jerk reaction to his loss and what can I expect next? I'm actually finding the overly angelic, trying to make amends thing pretty tiring and don't trust him at all. That said, we have a history, a son and he was once the love of my life. Could it ever be re-claimed?
Oh, and I just located an al-anon meeting in my area and am really hoping it will be a good fit. I have a feeling I'm going to need all the strength and support I can get over the next several months.
Oh, and I just located an al-anon meeting in my area and am really hoping it will be a good fit. I have a feeling I'm going to need all the strength and support I can get over the next several months.
Programs like AA are not necessary for a person to stop abusing substances and make behavioral changes. They can be helpful, and some people I think enjoy the community and lifestyle. Others dont like my husband. But mine went into therapy and got help that way and has been having good success.
There are other programs too. Think someone mentioned Smart Recovery. What Ive read about it looks really positive and is based more on therapeutic tools where you gain skills and eventually go on your way without the program. Sort of like therapy. You apply your new knowledge in everyday life on your own without sponsors or anything like that. If my husband ever felt like he needed more of a community support this is what I would recommend to him because it fits his personal mentality/outlook better. Try looking it up online and maybe check out their family program since your wanting to up support for yourself. Alanon can be helpful but remember its based only on 12 step concepts, so you may want to combine it with other things for a broad perspective. Maybe consider therapy for yourself, and marriage counseling at some point. There is a lot of help out there, we just have to be bold/brave, and reach out for it.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
icherishme.....I worked with alcoholics (and their families) for several years....I have also known long recovered alcoholics, in my personal life.....
This is my experience---I have never known one long recovering alcoholic who made changes in themselves...from the inside, out....who didn't have a strong program at the core of their life. It was the anchor for their continued sobriety......
I did know of one gentleman...who lived in my mother's neighborhood (he was an older guy). It is said that he was really deep into his alcoholism, at one time....Then, he decided to quit drinking (I don't know exactly why). He threw himself into the local church....and, became an extreme devotee of working for the church. He spent more time there than anybody else...including the minister! He spent a lot of his time doing home visits to other church members. Sooo, I interpret that as being a "program" that he used to stay sober. He remained sober until he died.
Now, I am not advocating for religion, necessarily....or advocating for extremism, either...but, the point is...that he stay sober by the help of a program that he held as a first priority, in his life.....
I am speaking from my own experience and observatons...(only).....
This is my experience---I have never known one long recovering alcoholic who made changes in themselves...from the inside, out....who didn't have a strong program at the core of their life. It was the anchor for their continued sobriety......
I did know of one gentleman...who lived in my mother's neighborhood (he was an older guy). It is said that he was really deep into his alcoholism, at one time....Then, he decided to quit drinking (I don't know exactly why). He threw himself into the local church....and, became an extreme devotee of working for the church. He spent more time there than anybody else...including the minister! He spent a lot of his time doing home visits to other church members. Sooo, I interpret that as being a "program" that he used to stay sober. He remained sober until he died.
Now, I am not advocating for religion, necessarily....or advocating for extremism, either...but, the point is...that he stay sober by the help of a program that he held as a first priority, in his life.....
I am speaking from my own experience and observatons...(only).....
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
icherishme.....I suggest that you go to the educational (and enlightening) articles at the top of the main menu for this forum.....located just above the threads....(they have a little icon of a safety lock to the left of each one. They are called "stickies".....
You will find dozens of articles to read. It is a treasure chest of education on alcoholism and the experience of those who have loved ones who struggle with the disease....
****Especially find the one that is labeled "Classic Readings". Read some every day....
It will make such a difference in your understanding of what you are dealing with...
Knowledge is power.
You will find dozens of articles to read. It is a treasure chest of education on alcoholism and the experience of those who have loved ones who struggle with the disease....
****Especially find the one that is labeled "Classic Readings". Read some every day....
It will make such a difference in your understanding of what you are dealing with...
Knowledge is power.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Dear Cherish
I admire your strength and courage. It is a difficult thing to separate, especially after 15 years!
I am so glad you are taking steps to care for yourself. This is also the kindest thing we can do for the alcoholic.
I admire your strength and courage. It is a difficult thing to separate, especially after 15 years!
I am so glad you are taking steps to care for yourself. This is also the kindest thing we can do for the alcoholic.
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