Identity crisis
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 70
Identity crisis
Hi there,
I felt joyus this morning when waking up, truly joyus. The sun was shining, I had the day off work and I went and had a pedicure. I know this sounds strange but the air felt different, I felt fresh, alive and much more present. I live alone and a large part of my drinking is associated with feeling lonely and craving love and affection. Usually on a Friday evening, I would meet friends down the pub, once the drinks start flowing, I instantly feel less lonely, more connected to people, liked, attractive etc..etc...My friend has just called asking me if I want a drink down the pub. It's sunny here in the U.K and its so tempting as I know it would help with my lonliness. I told her I wasn't drinking at the moment and we had a bit of an awkward conversation as I don't want to make a big deal out of it and put myself in the 'spot light'. Basically, I just don't know who I am without drinking. It has been a part of my tapestry and identity for so long now. I'm just sat here alone, feeling a bit lost, knowing I don't want to go down the drinking path but not sure what else to do with myself. Tomorrow, I have a social engagement that I have to go to...I'm already getting anxious about telling people I'm not drinking, wondering if I'll enjoy myself....Is it normal to feel like this. I'm guessing, with this new chosen path, I have to pre-plan my weekends. Deep breaths.
I felt joyus this morning when waking up, truly joyus. The sun was shining, I had the day off work and I went and had a pedicure. I know this sounds strange but the air felt different, I felt fresh, alive and much more present. I live alone and a large part of my drinking is associated with feeling lonely and craving love and affection. Usually on a Friday evening, I would meet friends down the pub, once the drinks start flowing, I instantly feel less lonely, more connected to people, liked, attractive etc..etc...My friend has just called asking me if I want a drink down the pub. It's sunny here in the U.K and its so tempting as I know it would help with my lonliness. I told her I wasn't drinking at the moment and we had a bit of an awkward conversation as I don't want to make a big deal out of it and put myself in the 'spot light'. Basically, I just don't know who I am without drinking. It has been a part of my tapestry and identity for so long now. I'm just sat here alone, feeling a bit lost, knowing I don't want to go down the drinking path but not sure what else to do with myself. Tomorrow, I have a social engagement that I have to go to...I'm already getting anxious about telling people I'm not drinking, wondering if I'll enjoy myself....Is it normal to feel like this. I'm guessing, with this new chosen path, I have to pre-plan my weekends. Deep breaths.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
I can totally relate. I too have felt that identity crisis of "who am I now without a drink in my hand?" It is a strange sensation, but it does pass with time. Once you get into the sober groove you start finding yourself again. For a while though you can feel like a boat just floating along without an anchor.
The longer you go on and the better it will be- for this and for everything else. Keep up the good work.
The longer you go on and the better it will be- for this and for everything else. Keep up the good work.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: UK
Posts: 322
Yes! I particularly remember this from first time around. I am an incredibly awkward, shy, introverted person without booze. I have friends I've known for 15 years and have never been in their company sober (either of us). It's almost like rebuilding your identity, I found I wasn't interested in the same kinds of things like going to the same gigs or parties. I became more interested in science, politics, going for picnics (and eating cake, a lot of cake!). I like watching films because I realised most of the films I've watched over the years I barely remember from being wasted and watching them through one eye! I am still shy and awkward, and still working on how to learn to socialise better, but I think for me, its that realisation that the drunk person wasn't the real me, or even the person I wanted to be, the things I would say or do, they weren't me, I've woken up cringing far too many times. This new me might be more plaid and boring, but it *is* me.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,671
yes- a plan b also helps, a way out. You do not have to advertise, justify or explain not drinking. People will badger- and if they do not get an answer may push harder, but it is not usually because they really care. Just say it is an experiment (for life?).
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
I had no idea who I would be either..but it turned out there was a me I'd totally forgotten about, a me before the drinking - and he was a pretty good guy.
Try and be patient and give youself time to reacquaint yourself with sober you.
This is a time of transition - but it won't always be this hard - it gets better
D
Try and be patient and give youself time to reacquaint yourself with sober you.
This is a time of transition - but it won't always be this hard - it gets better
D
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
I was exactly the same. Shy awkward anxious nervous . All this was precisely why I drank to become confident ane socially at ease. I see now I became silly offensive and a nuisance.
I had to re learn who I was and learn to be me not pretend to be someone else. I am not the life and soul of the party. I like to be quiet I'm socially OK but not centre of attention . But I've learned that is fine and it is me.
I had to re learn who I was and learn to be me not pretend to be someone else. I am not the life and soul of the party. I like to be quiet I'm socially OK but not centre of attention . But I've learned that is fine and it is me.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
I very much relate to that identity crisis, although it's a memory now. I have spoken to lots of others in recovery about it and it is a common theme. I remember in my first ever AA meeting and everyone was saying just don't drink, one day at a time. And in my head I was screaming "but what will my life be without drinking? Who will I BE without drinking? Drinking is what is DO. It is who I AM!!" That was after spending a month alcohol free but with no support or idea about recovery. Sitting in the same pubs with the same people sipping various diet soft drinks. White-knuckling it so to speak. I was in a state!
What I realised in Recovery (and my Recovery was not the same as my early sobriety by any means) was that i had, or the years, kind of invented someone that I felt safe being, and that I'd kind of kidded myself, as well as everyone else, that I WAS that being / person. I'd spent decades as an actor on a stage of my own making. Once I removed alcohol from the equation that act became harder to convince myself about and as i started to deconstruct that facade I also became willing to change other things about me that held me back, but there was still some fear around this. Who and what would be left once all that false and faulty stuff was removed? But, over time, and with each change, I felt better and better, lIife was easier and easier. I started to feel slightly less scared about finding out who the real Berry was, until I actually wanted that transformation at times. A bit like the difference between a caterpillar who looks at a butterfly and wants to be a caterpiller with wings, and one who embraces the transformation and wants to be a butterfly.
I realise now that for the most part, sitting in the pub for more than an hour is pretty boring, unless there is a band or a meal or something (I used to be in there pretty much from opening at lunch time til either: the pub closed; I ran out of money and resources to scrounge more drinks, albeit in a supposedly charming way - eughhhh!!!) ; I was so wobbly my partner took me home; I had a massive row (usually with said partner).
I have also realised that the 'cool'music scene now does nothing for me. And, sure, I still like nice clothes, but getting dressd to go out to a gig is now a process of putting on some clothes, not creating a masterpiece of cool. (Haha. What a dick I was!) I can go to a gig now and just turn up for the band itself. I don't need to be part of it all in some way, projecting the fake Me into everything.
I actually like going to the theatre, and am happy to go along alone if needs be.
I like spending time at home, in peace, reading and writing.
It is much easier being me, now I know who that is, than living a projected self to keep up with my own addiction.
Enjoy your journey of self discovery. Lean into the fear, and relish it.
Wishing you all the best for your sobriety and recovery. BB
What I realised in Recovery (and my Recovery was not the same as my early sobriety by any means) was that i had, or the years, kind of invented someone that I felt safe being, and that I'd kind of kidded myself, as well as everyone else, that I WAS that being / person. I'd spent decades as an actor on a stage of my own making. Once I removed alcohol from the equation that act became harder to convince myself about and as i started to deconstruct that facade I also became willing to change other things about me that held me back, but there was still some fear around this. Who and what would be left once all that false and faulty stuff was removed? But, over time, and with each change, I felt better and better, lIife was easier and easier. I started to feel slightly less scared about finding out who the real Berry was, until I actually wanted that transformation at times. A bit like the difference between a caterpillar who looks at a butterfly and wants to be a caterpiller with wings, and one who embraces the transformation and wants to be a butterfly.
I realise now that for the most part, sitting in the pub for more than an hour is pretty boring, unless there is a band or a meal or something (I used to be in there pretty much from opening at lunch time til either: the pub closed; I ran out of money and resources to scrounge more drinks, albeit in a supposedly charming way - eughhhh!!!) ; I was so wobbly my partner took me home; I had a massive row (usually with said partner).
I have also realised that the 'cool'music scene now does nothing for me. And, sure, I still like nice clothes, but getting dressd to go out to a gig is now a process of putting on some clothes, not creating a masterpiece of cool. (Haha. What a dick I was!) I can go to a gig now and just turn up for the band itself. I don't need to be part of it all in some way, projecting the fake Me into everything.
I actually like going to the theatre, and am happy to go along alone if needs be.
I like spending time at home, in peace, reading and writing.
It is much easier being me, now I know who that is, than living a projected self to keep up with my own addiction.
Enjoy your journey of self discovery. Lean into the fear, and relish it.
Wishing you all the best for your sobriety and recovery. BB
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 70
Originally Posted by Dee74 
I had no idea who I would be either..but it turned out there was a me I'd totally forgotten about, a me before the drinking - and he was a pretty good guy.
Try and be patient and give youself time to reacquaint yourself with sober you.
This is a time of transition - but it won't always be this hard - it gets better
D
Try and be patient and give youself time to reacquaint yourself with sober you.
This is a time of transition - but it won't always be this hard - it gets better
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 70
Originally Posted by ReadyAtLast
I was exactly the same. Shy awkward anxious nervous . All this was precisely why I drank to become confident ane socially at ease. I see now I became silly offensive and a nuisance.
I had to re learn who I was and learn to be me not pretend to be someone else. I am not the life and soul of the party. I like to be quiet I'm socially OK but not centre of attention . But I've learned that is fine and it is me.
I had to re learn who I was and learn to be me not pretend to be someone else. I am not the life and soul of the party. I like to be quiet I'm socially OK but not centre of attention . But I've learned that is fine and it is me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 70
Originally Posted by AwkwardKitty
Yes! I particularly remember this from first time around. I am an incredibly awkward, shy, introverted person without booze. I have friends I've known for 15 years and have never been in their company sober (either of us). It's almost like rebuilding your identity, I found I wasn't interested in the same kinds of things like going to the same gigs or parties. I became more interested in science, politics, going for picnics (and eating cake, a lot of cake!). I like watching films because I realised most of the films I've watched over the years I barely remember from being wasted and watching them through one eye! I am still shy and awkward, and still working on how to learn to socialise better, but I think for me, its that realisation that the drunk person wasn't the real me, or even the person I wanted to be, the things I would say or do, they weren't me, I've woken up cringing far too many times. This new me might be more plaid and boring, but it *is* me.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 70
Originally Posted by PhoenixJ
yes- a plan b also helps, a way out. You do not have to advertise, justify or explain not drinking. People will badger- and if they do not get an answer may push harder, but it is not usually because they really care. Just say it is an experiment (for life?).
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: United States
Posts: 421
Originally Posted by PhoenixJ
but it is not usually because they really care.
You really don't have to explain yourself, but a simple "I just don't feel like it" or "I'm trying something different" should suffice.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 70
Originally Posted by Linners820
This is very true. Someone told me a long time ago that if someone starts being nosy or prying about things that really are none of their concern, if you ask them (politely of course) "why do you need to know?" it usually shuts things down quickly. If they are inquiring because they actually care, that gives them the chance to explain further, but most likely they don't and won't have a good answer.
You really don't have to explain yourself, but a simple "I just don't feel like it" or "I'm trying something different" should suffice.
You really don't have to explain yourself, but a simple "I just don't feel like it" or "I'm trying something different" should suffice.
Day 9 today and still determined.
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