It rears it's ugly head
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Location: Winnetka. ca
Posts: 30
It rears it's ugly head
Days go by with no drama, I just focus on me and then it hits like an earthquake. My addict son has drama... I need to find a way to say I'm tired of it and stay out of "solutions" let him grow up or suffer or go homeless and cut off all help. He is very grateful for the rescues but things are getting worse and his needs are becoming more frequent. I know I'm making all these typical "mom of an addict" mistakes.
It's just so damn hard when it's your child... and I know "stuff"... I know I'm messing up my life and not really helping him long term. I keep saying, "this is the last time" (I'm broke) I can't keep sacrificing anymore of my thoughts, feelings or time when he's still using.
I look at homeless kids his age and I realize I'm the only thing keeping him from it. His truck is a POS, he lives in a tiny trailer in the desert, requiring fuel for a generator to not die in the heat. He works (sometimes) 100 miles away and makes legal drugs and uses drugs to make drugs and all his profits. It's a disaster.
Just writing this is confronting the truth and SO DAMN hard to confess. I can't even imagine how fast he will go down hill if I don't get him. My house means he must be sober so he doesn't stay long but it's becoming more often and his car just keeps breaking... that truck is a symbol of our codependent relationship. I fix it and it breaks again because it's in bad shape and old (me) and he doesn't pay attention to it to take care of it. I want to be his mom, but it's taking it's toll on me. I even look beat up.
It all ends up SH**... I'm tired of it.... so powerless. I have to tell him but I can't even imagine how you "break up with" your own child. This is awful.
It's just so damn hard when it's your child... and I know "stuff"... I know I'm messing up my life and not really helping him long term. I keep saying, "this is the last time" (I'm broke) I can't keep sacrificing anymore of my thoughts, feelings or time when he's still using.
I look at homeless kids his age and I realize I'm the only thing keeping him from it. His truck is a POS, he lives in a tiny trailer in the desert, requiring fuel for a generator to not die in the heat. He works (sometimes) 100 miles away and makes legal drugs and uses drugs to make drugs and all his profits. It's a disaster.
Just writing this is confronting the truth and SO DAMN hard to confess. I can't even imagine how fast he will go down hill if I don't get him. My house means he must be sober so he doesn't stay long but it's becoming more often and his car just keeps breaking... that truck is a symbol of our codependent relationship. I fix it and it breaks again because it's in bad shape and old (me) and he doesn't pay attention to it to take care of it. I want to be his mom, but it's taking it's toll on me. I even look beat up.
It all ends up SH**... I'm tired of it.... so powerless. I have to tell him but I can't even imagine how you "break up with" your own child. This is awful.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 6
Hi. I've been there, exactly. My son ended walking out of the house to stay with a friend a few months ago. I thought he was living with the friend, but he stopped returning any calls or texts to me. I was becoming so angry that he wasn't contacting us, when out of the blue, the friend texted me that they'd lost their apartment and my son was living in an abandoned building. Son had sold his phone. The friend was in a homeless shelter, but my son could not go there because he didn't test clean. He'd even called me from local court because he'd been arrested on a bench warrant, and after that, he said he didn't need a ride to his apartment, he was going to walk after being locked up for two days. In reality, he no longer had the apartment and was homeless and didn't tell me. Another lie!
LONG STORY SHORT, he was homeless for over a month, while we had no idea. When the friend told us what was going on, we reported him missing to the police. Even though he's an adult, we said we considered him a danger to himself. They told us there was nothing they could do to make him come home, but they would find him and at least let him know that his family was concerned. Police made him call us, and he was not happy. Lied to me that he was sleeping at friends' apartments and had a job. Then he "disappeared" a few days later, and even the former roommate could not find him. Several days later I got the call that he'd been arrested and his hearing was "tomorrow". The judge let him go with a fine (his charge was so minor compared to everything else she was dealing with that day), and we said he could come home if he stayed clean. When he was homeless he had so little money that he was hardly using, and his "credit" had been cut off by those he associated with. He's been clean before. I can only say that maybe MAYBE MAYBE this was his bottom because he's been home 1.5 weeks and I have never seen him so appreciative. He has not told me anything about jail except that the food was awful. He's told his dad and the friend that he's done; he's never going down that road again because he's not going to county jail again... he'd been a local jail for two days in the police station, and that didn't phase him, but county was something else, apparently.
hey, whatever motivates him is fine with me. We have let the friend stay with us also, he's like a live-in sponsor, and they're trying to start up a business and have already earned enough money to buy some additional tools. Crossing my fingers this works out.
I can only say that I don't think I would have "let" my son get to the point of homelessness; I would have come to the rescue again and again, but in the end, it was out of my control and may be the best thing that ever happened to him.
LONG STORY SHORT, he was homeless for over a month, while we had no idea. When the friend told us what was going on, we reported him missing to the police. Even though he's an adult, we said we considered him a danger to himself. They told us there was nothing they could do to make him come home, but they would find him and at least let him know that his family was concerned. Police made him call us, and he was not happy. Lied to me that he was sleeping at friends' apartments and had a job. Then he "disappeared" a few days later, and even the former roommate could not find him. Several days later I got the call that he'd been arrested and his hearing was "tomorrow". The judge let him go with a fine (his charge was so minor compared to everything else she was dealing with that day), and we said he could come home if he stayed clean. When he was homeless he had so little money that he was hardly using, and his "credit" had been cut off by those he associated with. He's been clean before. I can only say that maybe MAYBE MAYBE this was his bottom because he's been home 1.5 weeks and I have never seen him so appreciative. He has not told me anything about jail except that the food was awful. He's told his dad and the friend that he's done; he's never going down that road again because he's not going to county jail again... he'd been a local jail for two days in the police station, and that didn't phase him, but county was something else, apparently.
hey, whatever motivates him is fine with me. We have let the friend stay with us also, he's like a live-in sponsor, and they're trying to start up a business and have already earned enough money to buy some additional tools. Crossing my fingers this works out.
I can only say that I don't think I would have "let" my son get to the point of homelessness; I would have come to the rescue again and again, but in the end, it was out of my control and may be the best thing that ever happened to him.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Years ago my son was in a detox, cleaning up to go to a rehab that had taken him (Salvation Army rehabs are free). He had left stuff at a shelter and could not leave the detox so I went to the shelter to get his very few things. My stomach churned at the thought but once I got there a very nice worker took me to the bed area where my son had stayed (it and the entire room was clean and spotless) and explained to me that they had workers there to counsel any of the homeless people who stayed there and they could also arrange a rehab if the person was willing (this was what got my son to rehab).
I was never afraid of my son ending up homeless in a shelter again, help is there if and when they want it. Real help, not enabling like my own home.
It is very painful for a parent to let go of the obsession to save/rescue/control our addicted children. I tried for years and almost died trying.
Making the decision to turn my son's care over to God helps me every day. I say a prayer each morning asking God to do for my son what I cannnot and then live my day in faith that He will.
My prayers go out for your son, Art, and yours Julia and all our children here.
Hugs from this mama's heart to yours.
I was never afraid of my son ending up homeless in a shelter again, help is there if and when they want it. Real help, not enabling like my own home.
It is very painful for a parent to let go of the obsession to save/rescue/control our addicted children. I tried for years and almost died trying.
Making the decision to turn my son's care over to God helps me every day. I say a prayer each morning asking God to do for my son what I cannnot and then live my day in faith that He will.
My prayers go out for your son, Art, and yours Julia and all our children here.
Hugs from this mama's heart to yours.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Burnsville, MN
Posts: 966
There are shelters that homeless people can stay at when they are not clean (sober). Shelters in my area send the people on their way early in the morning and don't monitor what the people do all day. They can't drink or use while sleeping there at night . . .
I know how hard it is to "break up" with your own child, I've been there. It is so painful. It's because we are addicted to them, to the craziness of codependency. Get to a Alanon or Naranon as fast as you can!
Turn your son over to God, your high power, whatever you want to call it (for me it's God) - put his life in his hands and trust that he put this child on the face of this earth for a reason, there is a plan and he'll take care of him. Hold your head up high and remember it is ONE DAY at a time, but sometimes it is only one minute at a time. You'll get through, you're not alone, we are all here with you.
I know how hard it is to "break up" with your own child, I've been there. It is so painful. It's because we are addicted to them, to the craziness of codependency. Get to a Alanon or Naranon as fast as you can!
Turn your son over to God, your high power, whatever you want to call it (for me it's God) - put his life in his hands and trust that he put this child on the face of this earth for a reason, there is a plan and he'll take care of him. Hold your head up high and remember it is ONE DAY at a time, but sometimes it is only one minute at a time. You'll get through, you're not alone, we are all here with you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
i know how very difficult this situation is, no one should HAVE to make such difficult choices regarding their own offspring.
what if you began to see that HOW your son is living HIS life is HIS choice? living virtually off the grid, with few possessions, functional or not, living hand to mouth and yes, doing drugs. while that is not YOUR choice for him, it's HIS choice. thus you take your hands off his choices, his life, and allow him to live as he sees fit.
this also means that because these are HIS choices, you are no longer responsible to pick up the pieces. they are not your pieces. you return to him his choices AND HIS CONSEQUENCES, in equal measure. every time you say "but this is the last time" and then it's not, you reinforce to him that your words are empty, but your wallet is full. that you are merely a RESOURCE.
there are many resources of which he could avail himself. he chooses not to. he is not helpless.
what if you began to see that HOW your son is living HIS life is HIS choice? living virtually off the grid, with few possessions, functional or not, living hand to mouth and yes, doing drugs. while that is not YOUR choice for him, it's HIS choice. thus you take your hands off his choices, his life, and allow him to live as he sees fit.
this also means that because these are HIS choices, you are no longer responsible to pick up the pieces. they are not your pieces. you return to him his choices AND HIS CONSEQUENCES, in equal measure. every time you say "but this is the last time" and then it's not, you reinforce to him that your words are empty, but your wallet is full. that you are merely a RESOURCE.
there are many resources of which he could avail himself. he chooses not to. he is not helpless.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Do you seek any support face to face like nar-anon or al-anon or therapy, counseling?
I think a parent’s natural instinct is to protect, rescue and fix when something is affecting our children. But with addiction all of that thinking, all of those old habits need to get throw out the window and we need to learn tuff love and most importantly we need support in helping us help ourselves to understand and learn it.
Of course we know that you never give an addict money. Of course we know that by paying the addicts bills/car repairs/car insurance/cell phone/rent, it leaves them a big opportunity to put that much more poison into their bodies. Of course we know that if we don’t allow them to suffer the consequences of their actions they won’t ever have an opportunity to possible hit bottom and hopefully seek help. Of course we know our inability to say no and to use tuff love is more about our own issues then it is their issue.
And that is why we need support we need help in helping ourselves to understand and most importantly accept that our love and inability to say no is doing harm not helping them.
I think a parent’s natural instinct is to protect, rescue and fix when something is affecting our children. But with addiction all of that thinking, all of those old habits need to get throw out the window and we need to learn tuff love and most importantly we need support in helping us help ourselves to understand and learn it.
Of course we know that you never give an addict money. Of course we know that by paying the addicts bills/car repairs/car insurance/cell phone/rent, it leaves them a big opportunity to put that much more poison into their bodies. Of course we know that if we don’t allow them to suffer the consequences of their actions they won’t ever have an opportunity to possible hit bottom and hopefully seek help. Of course we know our inability to say no and to use tuff love is more about our own issues then it is their issue.
And that is why we need support we need help in helping ourselves to understand and most importantly accept that our love and inability to say no is doing harm not helping them.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 328
ArtMachine,
I don't have any help to offer today other than to let you know you are not alone. It seems never ending some days. Some days it does feel like an earthquake, that day is today for me. I try to remind myself that this too shall pass.
Jaeger
I don't have any help to offer today other than to let you know you are not alone. It seems never ending some days. Some days it does feel like an earthquake, that day is today for me. I try to remind myself that this too shall pass.
Jaeger
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Dear Art, it sounds like you are realizing YOUR need for sanity and the insanity of codependency. Trust me, I have this t shirt and it took a long long time (and me getting burned each and every time) to get out of my sons way. I am always horrified at his choices when he out of recovery, but as Anvil has said, its the way HE is choosing to live. I am really focusing on treating my son like an adult who is capable of making the choices of how he wants to live. I have also chosen NOT to allow my son to fall back on living at home again. I want him to figure this out (adulting) and that its really his life.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Location: Winnetka. ca
Posts: 30
I picked up his call today. (Palm face)He had a question I provided info. I said, "Good job, hang in there, I love you" and got off the phone without offering help, making suggestions, problems solving or volunteering info... A major shift for me, if it didn't happen during a 30 day self mandated "no contact". I won't abuse myself for this or make up scenarios about his path. I am wary & aware of manipulation and feel suspicious of all of his actions. I will go back to minding my own business... "carry on" in an english accent
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
good job. notice....the world is still spinning on it's axis.....the internet didn't break.......no zombie apocalypse......someone called you, had A question, you had the information, you relayed it, phone call over.
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