EllieJ

Hello, I’m new to this site. I’ve been reading through other posts and it is comforting to know that his community exists and that there are others who can understand exactly how I am feeling.

My boyfriend is an alcoholic. We’ve been together for 3 years and have lived with each other for the last year. Right from the start of our relationship he told me that he was an alcoholic but that he wanted to change and be a healthier person. I believed that wanting to change would be enough to make him change - but so far no lasting change has come to fruition. Sometimes, every few months, he’ll have a week of sobriety before relapsing.

I’ve always been very aware of his problem - but I have been in denial as to how much the alcohol has impacted me and our relationship together. I feel as though lately our relationship is completely focused on him. I’m overcome with thinking about him - worrying about how many beers are stacked on his desk or how late he will stay up each night. He has a flexible work schedule (but I do not) and if he drinks late at night, and starts work late, then we don’t have time together in the evenings.

I can cry to him as much as want about how I just want him to be healthy and how I can’t live with the alcohol anymore. I make him feel guilty and sad, but the need to drink is the stronger force. A few months ago he hinted that he was looking for engagement rings and I freaked out. I told him that I could not marry him if he is an active alcoholic. I’m 30 years old - I want to get married and start a family more than anything but I couldn’t bring a child into a life with him as he is now - as we are now.

I feel sick with anxiety and worry about what to do. I know in my heart that I can only control my own thoughts and behaviors and I will never be able to control him, as difficult as that is to put into practice. But what does that mean for our relationship? I know a life with him wouldn’t be easy and that alcoholism is a lifelong illness. Even if he is in recovery, he could relapse or cycle over and over. But I love him - I’ve never met a man who understands me the way that he does. I have fun with him when we have adventures, I have fun with him when we lay on the couch and do nothing together.

He has started seeing a counselor but after a few weeks nothing is different. He knows how hurt I am and how unhealthy he is and he still tells me with conviction that he wants to be free of the alcohol. I’m heartbroken because as the months go on with little change I have this sinking feeling that I’m supposed to leave him - but I can’t imagine a life without him. And I feel like I would be giving up on the person I love.

Thank you so much for reading my story - if you have any words of strength or advice I would love to hear them.

dandylion

Ellie....taking responsibility for managing your own life and taking care of your own welfare is not the same thing as giving up....
Even if you do love him...that is not enough, alone, to deal with another person's addiction.
The motivation to reach for recovery has to come from within him....and, you have no control over that....as hard as that is to accept.....

I hope you will stick around and keep posting and reading...there is a wealth of information and learning available on this forum.....
Knowledge is power....

Tiffanylee75

Ellie, You're not alone. Except my boyfriend won't acknowledge his drinking problem sober. When he's drunk he'll admit he drinks too much he'll do better. He doesn't do it everyday but when he does on the weekends its to get drunk and he has to go out every weekend. Like we can't have a date night alone lately. We have to be in a bar with friends. It's frustrating. He needs that atmosphere bad. It's hurtful. I feel your pain and I'm praying for you

Berrybean

You talk of the glimpses of fun, but they are small glimpses. Mostly it is not fun. And he really hasn't taken any move towards stopping. Seeing a counsellor? Aha. Been there and done that. I was taking the easier softer option to satisfy others and myself that I was doing all I could. It was utter bullpoop. I was going to the counsellor and harking on to her all my rationalisation (excuses) for why I drank. Staying immersed in the problem instead of engaging with a solution. It did the job and got me off the hook with others for a bit, but I knew that it was a pretty one sided story I was spinning that counsellor. Poor me, poor me, pour me another drink. It took a while longer for me to find myself at a place where I got the gift of desperation and dared to talk to people who were living the solution and ask them to help me to get what they had.

You can't scare someone into sobriety. They have to want it. Sounds to me like he doesn't want you to leave him so he's doing the "Look at me trying so hard" routine in the hopes you'll lay off and not take action. This has been going on for three years now. You know, just because we spend a lot of time making a mistake, it doesn't mean we have to keep making it. You are in your 30s. You have been with him for 3 years. If you were to marry him and have kids with him, even if you split up, you will always be enmeshed with him. Also, once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic. There will always be the chance of relapse further down the line. Is that what you want for your kids? Is he really parent material? Or are you thinking you can change him into parent material? If so, I would gently suggest that this is actually not very fair, and also completely impossible. There is only ever one person we can change. That person is our self.

I remember someone giving me advise and saying "don't bother climbing a ladder if you suspect that you don't want what is at the end of it." They were talking about careers at the time, but I suspect that it applies equally to relationships.

I would highly recommend reading around on the friends and family area for some more insight into how marrying an active alcoholic and having kids with them turned out for some people on here. It doesn't make for happy reading.

I do know some people who have got sober, made great recovery and are excellent partners and parents. But these are people who had the desperation it needed to get willing to go to rehab, get to meetings, do the work needed to stay sober and keep their recovery strong. And that takes time and commitment. The poeple with healthy sobriety that I know go to meeting at least a few nights a week, and take time out each day to do journaling and reflection work. They spend time talking to others in recovery. I know it often pees my partner off when that recovery work needs to take priority, but I know that I need to be prepared to go to any lengths to protect my sobriety. I'd been with my partner for over 20 years when I started my sober journey, and there are no kids involved. I don't know if he'd have been as willing to deal with all that stuff on an ongoing basis if we'd been together for less time.

All that said, remeber that you don't need to make any decisions today. But I would suggest that you get yourself a good network of support in place (and this forum is a great start). Perhaps you could investigate the AlAnon fellowship in your area as well. Also, try to keep finances seperate, dont sign any long term binding contracts or agree to marry him while he's still active or has less than a year of healthy sobriety and recovery behind him. Definitely don't get pregnant! There are plenty of adult children of alcoholics who can tell you why that would be a bad move.

Prayers for you today.
BB

SparkleKitty

I'm sure he wants to want to stop drinking. There are a ton of resources out there -- some free, like AA -- for people who are willing to do whatever it takes to stop. Counseling is a start, sure, but as Berrybean indicated, it's the path of least commitment.

I hope you are taking good care of yourself and educating yourself about alcoholism and its effects on relationships and children.

Maudcat

Hi, Ellie. Welcome to SR.
It is often said around here that actions mean something, words do not.
Your SO is talking the talk about getting sober, but he is not walking the walk.
Sobriety and recovery behaviors are easy to recognize, and you will know it when you see it.
I would think hard, as you have been, I know, about life with this man.
Good luck.

Sasha1972

You are very wise to hold off on marriage and family-building with an alcoholic. Co-parenting with an active alcoholic is awful, says one who knows. Everything other posters have said about actions meaning more than words and about the difference between wanting sobriety and wanting to want sobriety is true.

It must be very difficult for you to see so much good in your boyfriend but to have this big cloud hanging over whether you have a future together. You might think about counselling or Al-Anon for yourself. This doesn't mean you're going to break up with your boyfriend, but it might give you some tools to live more peacefully in the midst of a very anxiety-provoking situation. Worrying bout how many beers he's stacked up or how much he is drinking during the day is robbing you of your own ability to enjoy life.

EllieJ

Thank you everyone for reading and for your responses. I am very aware that he is talking the talk without walking the walk and it has all come to a boiling point for me - that is what brought me to this site. I would definitely not want to marry him unless he was sober - and had been sober for at least a year. And the children thing...that's definitely in the sober future - if it were to happen at all with him. Realizing that he may never be healthy enough to have a child is also what causes me to think I may just need to leave. It's the stories of people that say they got sober and stayed sober for 20+ years that keep me hanging on to the hope that maybe things could be different. I did go to my first Al-Anon meeting yesterday as well and it was an eye opening experience for me. I couldn't even speak my first sentence without crying and that's when I realized just how bad I had let this get for me.

I suppose I'm still not sure what I need to do, but today I feel stronger and ready to try to focus on myself and not him. Now that I've allowed myself to feel how much pain this is causing me, i think clarity will come.

honeypig

This paragraph speaks volumes, Ellie. You're going to be OK. Keep coming here to read and post, keep going to Alanon. You'll see your way clearly in time.

NYCDoglvr

Alcoholism is a progressive disease and as long as his drinking continues, it will worsen. Ask yourself if you trust and respect him. If not I don't know what kind of a relationship is possible. Alanon was a huge help for me and I recommend it.

Smarie78

All of it YES. I have lived with an active alcoholic binger for over two years and it's exactly that. Every two months for years there is a relapse bender and then a promise to change. He will lazily go to meetings (or so he says) and then tell me he's seeing a counselor or making an appointment. Just to get him off the 'hook' as you say. Then tell me the counselor said it was ok for him to have a beer now and then so long as it was only around me and controlled *gigantic huge WTF flaming bs*. Then it's poor him...you are spot on with it though. I use to say we have so many good times until I realized we only have some good 'moments' in a huge pie, and that those good moments were a tiny sliver in a manure pie. Ellie, try and really look at the good and compare it to the bad. I still struggle immensely so it's a 'do as I say not as I do' thing ATM.

So very true. Abf is doing this now because he is terrified that I am leaving. I think of this often that even were he to kick the habit, it would only take a slip. And that slip back to boozing usually means financial ruin, jail, hospital, destroyed homes and lives, and possibly a funeral you really don't want to have to go to. In my case he is already married and separated for the last 4 years from spouse. Despite their estrangement, each bender she has to deal with taking all the money out of the accounts so their kid doesn't get kicked out of school for no payment, and then knowing that she will have to do it again in a couple of months. He has a child he never sees that his wife has to explain why to. This just isn't the life anyone would want (despite the love there...trust me I am in this as OP is, but as I read your post BB it just reiterates for me the brain part that my heart is having trouble with)

Yep - I think we always know what awaits but put ourselves in denial to protect. Ironically it just does the opposite. I posted something not long ago, which is a pretty common thread on whether ppl regret staying and honestly in 10/10 cases nobody would have done it were the chance there to do it again. The children seemed to really suffer right along with the partner. Definitely take a read.

YES again...it can happen, but it really does need to come at that desperate point. To this day Abf says he hit his bottom by having to sleep drunk in the park for a week and panhandling this last time (I stopped letting him stay when he is drunk..best decision ever, but as you can see even that isn't always enough for them to stop)...but for whatever reason, he doesn't seem as desperate to stop. Even with that situation. He still thinks he is "different" and can have a beer with dinner just a few days later as he demonstrated. It takes TRUE commitment and grit. Tireless, unwavering, end of rope exhausted commitment. otherwise it's just business as usual. Recovery *looks* like recovery. It looks like "God id love to see you but I need to get better first".



All of it ^^^ wisest words I've heard.

BlownOne

You know what you need to do. Hugs to you.

Berrybean

Ha. Yes, well I'm a recovering alcoholic and sit in rooms with people talking about how they DID all this stuff. I did a lot of it as well.
And the reason alcoholics are so good at spouting their lies is because for the most part they even believe it themselves, such is the power of denial and rationalisation. People arrive saying how they never treated their partner badly (unless they actually got caught up to no good anyway) and it usually takes a while sober for them to get off their self-pity-pot and shush up. And a little while longer for them to recognise the bullpoop they've been spewing out of their mouth and stuffing their ears with all those years. Its a sorry old desease alright. Proper insanity.

BB x

Smarie78

BB - continued wishes for you on your path of sobriety. You seem like you have really had an incredibly transformative experience and is exactly at that higher place that so many struggling addicts still haven't surrendered to yet.

I do think you are a great example and are just as deserving of love as any non-addict is. You've actually succeeded at changing your lifestyle to keep the addiction at bay, which is so very hard but not impossible to do. The thing with the folks in Ellie or my case, is that they have yet to really grasp the gravity of the situation just yet (nor have we as non-addicts really). Sometimes I am baffled at how he can go on and on at the brink of death and get to a point I actually didn't even know existed in addiction, and then come out of it and assume it won't happen again while not working toward genuine recovery as oppose the white-knuckling he has always done. I can only pray that someday he reaches the point you have. The question is....for myself or posters like Ellie, is that how long does one wait for the addict's Awakening?

for the loved one of the addict....the rational answer seems to be, take the situation that you have today and have always had, and assume that it will never change, then act accordingly.

FallenAngelina

There are many wonderful, loving, relatable, attractive men who are fully available to be a father and a husband - men who can have fun with you and have adventures. Your BF is not the only one, I promise you. Taking your life into your own hands will transform you into someone who can see the men who are truly available for you to create a family with. Your BF is not available in the way that you need a spouse to be.

Keep going to Al-Anon.

PhoenixJ

no advice. Prayers and support to you.

aliciagr

Hello Ellie,

It may be that you are just at a crossroads. Sometimes even when we love someone and count up all the positives - there are still negatives that can become deal breakers in terms of our being able to live the life we want to live..

I am in that exact place except my husband actually did find help through counseling when other things like meetings didnt work for him. I will say however, counseling is hard and its complex. Its not a quick fix so I wouldnt expect a lot after a few weeks.. how often does he go, what are the qualifications of the counselor, etc... I would suggest reading up on the Process of Change.. I dont think there is anything here on this forum about it, but when I did counseling it was presented to me and made a lot of sense.. Change isnt always a straight line and it can involve a lot of standing still, going backward, and then leaps forward. It can be hard for a partner to deal with the process - and sometimes of course a person never does change. As an example just look at weight loss. Do you know of anyone who talked about getting healthier, made a few advances, went back and forth and may now weigh more than they did years ago? I do.. Of course someone else may just wake up and say today is the day, join Weight Watchers and a gym and you see them in a year and they look wonderful!

I think we also have that same concern when making our choices.. he is great except for this, and what if in a year he looks wonderful? Again I think it goes back to what we want/need for ourselves.

I worry about the cycle too. Addiction is by nature a relapsing problem according to the medical profession. Doesnt mean it always happens but it can become a long struggle.

Im glad Alanon helped you. I would also suggest counseling for yourself if you can do that.

PuzzledHeart

I've been married to my husband for 15+ years. I met him when I turned 30. Before him, I had been in three year relationship that in hindsight was doomed before it ever started. He cheated on me on Year 1, and probably cheated on me in Years 2 and 3 before he broke it off just before our supposed wedding.

Let me tell you, that breakup was a GIFT. If we had actually gotten married, I would have been miserable if not divorced. However, one of my greatest regrets was that I had wasted two years of my life trying to make a relationship that simply wasn't there. I shudder to think what I would have lost (my husband and my son) if marriage with Ex had gotten through.

OT4Kids

I feel bad saying this, but as hard as it is, I think it is best to let him go. He isn't at the point where you need him to be and you are going to continue to get hurt. Get out while you can.