leodis

Hi everyone,

A bit nervous about posting as even when its anonymous i still struggle with social encounters and the thought of people judging me but I checked out a few threads and you seem like a great bunch of guys. Sorry if I drag on a little bit but I think Id really like to start being active on this site so thought the best place to start would be to tell you exactly what my situation is plus i think it would really help to just get things off my chest... Thank you to anyone who has the time/patients to read

Im 23 years old and since the age of 17 to around 21 years old I was "partying" on average 6 days a week every week on mainly GHB/Mephedrone/Alcohol/Cocaine (but also now and then ecstasy/ketamine/mdma)... non stop no sleep just going from party to party, house to house, trying to avoid going home like the plague. The only times I would sleep is passing out here and there (mostly due to overdosing on GHB which happened around 4 times a week, It would knock me unconscious for around 2 hours) but soon as i came round the party would still be going and id just get up and carry on and end up following everyone to the next house/party.

It was my line of work that dragged me into this horrible cycle as I was a pretty well known name in the genre of music that I produced and also DJ'd weekly in all the main cities around the UK so people would love to feed me free drugs and alcohol and invite me to places etc so running out of cash or supplies wasn't really an obstacle. It was also a big part of my justification for my lifestyle "well Im getting paid X amount of money for a couple hours work every weekend so i can do what the **** i want through the week" blah blah... bear in mind I had just left school and was catapulted into this life at 17 so my thought process wasn't the most mature.

Anyway... at around 21/22 I started taking the drugs less and less as I was going to less and less of these parties but as i slowly started to come back to reality my brain just wasn't catching up to me and the years of burning it out with no rest in-between left my natural endorphin level at rock bottom so my days started to be filled with severe anxiety and dread and worry etc.

This is when I started to turn to the drink. You don't need a party to drink. You don't need much money to drink. You don't need company to drink. But it did completely relieve that feeling of dread inside of me and stopped me massively over thinking every tiny insignificant situation in my life.

For the last 2 years now i have been drinking extremely heavily in a "2 week of extremely heavy drinking, followed by 4 days of sobriety, and repeat" kind of pattern. Just recently around 2 month ago I suddenly stopped drinking after a particularly heavy 2 week period of drinking around 2 litre of vodka a day and after about 20 hours from when i stopped I started to see an extremely vivid ball of light in the corner of my eye which became bigger and brighter until it filled my whole vision and I lost consciousness. Luckily my sister was in the next room and heard banging and came into me fitting on the floor having a seizure from the withdrawal, I woke up completely out of breath and extremely confused. I went to the hospital straight away and was medically detoxed. This was the first time this had ever happened to me but I have been back to the hospital 3 times since then after experiencing similar feelings (not to the point of a full seizure) and extreme panic attacks after stopping drinking. This sudden escalation worries me that things are going down hill fast.

When i was younger i was extremely confident and I could never understand when people spoke of social anxiety etc it didn't make sense to me. Now Im only 23 but I feel like I have already ruined my brain... I feel like I need something there to make me like everyone else around me. When I see how every one else is so comfortable in social situations etc to me its like they have got drink/drugs built into them because thats what i need just to get me to that point of normality.

Will my endorphin receptors ever be normal again? Sometimes I feel they wont so its pointless even trying to stop because its a choice between drinking and being contempt without constant worry and guilt, or quitting and living life feeling like a creature thats just crawled out from under a rock.

I have yet to go any kind of support meetings because its like when i finally stop drinking long enough for withdrawals to subside to the point where i feel i could take myself there I start to think "actually i feel pretty ok now i don't need any strangers telling me about my life I can do this on my own now" then within a week its back to square 1 and it repeats again...

Also I've been incredibly to always have a loving family who have always been there for me and my current girlfriend of 2 years is amazing so its not like Im running away from a broken home or anything... The things that make me need to drink now are things my 16 year old self would laugh at me for, slap in the face and tell me to stop being such a *****...

Im not even sure what I'm asking for here or if I'm asking anything at all I just wanted to share, thank you if you took the time to read

Leodis

leodis

PS I am currently on 100mg of Sertraline a day to try and combat the depression the side of things but after a few days of drinking I completely disregard it so end up doing a week on week off repeatedly...

I completely lack any kind of motivation. My girlfriend knows I know exactly what i need to do to sort my life out so always says to me "JUST GET UP AND DO IT!" but she doesn't understand the feeling of just not being able to make that phone call or attend that interview to her its just because I'm lazy but its not I want so hard to get on a right track and when I have the odd good day I'm the opposite of lazy but most days I just can't fight past the anxiety so i spend my life in a dark bedroom over thinking stuff and contemplating how **** my life has become, unable to make them steps to get out of it... I have done it a couple times before and got further each time in regards to sorting my finances out and being social etc but at the click of the finger I'm back at square 1...

least

Welcome to the family. You know, the sertraline won't do any good as long as you're drinking. Alcohol is a depressant and will make you more depressed than ever.

I hope the support here can help you get sober for good.

Dee74

Hi leodis

self medicating with alcohol is probably up there with the worst things you can do for anxiety.

As you dependence on alcohol grows so does the anxiety of needing your alcohol fix.

Have you considered seeing a Dr? they maybe able to pinpoint the problem and suggest other ways of dealing with it?

D

leodis

Thanks for the response!

Yeah I realise that about the sertraline

D122y

Leo,

Welcome.

Been there.

I hear the mix of booze and anti d.s is a serious high, but one that can warp the brain hastily. Detox can be brutal.

They say here, see a dr. Be totally honest.

I drank off and on, mostly on, from the time i was 5 yo.

I could only finally quit when I started having massive anxiety and physical breakdowns. A few while driving. I was 50 when I quit.

Quiting was/is still a living hell sometimes, but I got used to it.

Imo...folks that drink heavily all the time and can't quit will eventually drink themselves insane. The recovery time escalates exponentially.

Based on the length of clean time it took for me to heal to my current state, I believe another relapse could flip the crazy switch forever.

I vote no more booze. My brain has been altered enough for 10 life times.

Sr saved my life. Read and post. Ask questions.

Thanks.

PhoenixJ

Perhaps see a doc?

Verdantia

Hello, leodis. I self-medicated my anxiety and depression with alcohol for many years. I am also autistic and never felt as if I belonged anywhere. Booze didn't work and just made things much worse. I'm a musician in some popular local bands so I had people wanting to party and do drugs with me, too-but my drinking was done alone and not for fun, but in a vain attempt to 'feel better.' When I quit I suffered withdrawal seizures and hallucinations. Now that I have 19 months of sobriety I never want to go back to the horror of alcohol. I have found that my brain and body are healing well, and I take medication for my mental issues, which is working. The human body is very tough and can recover from so much abuse, especially when you are young and resilient. Now for me things are not perfect but so much better. I wish you all the best in your sober journey.

leodis

Thanks so much for everyones thoughts it makes me feel a lot better knowing people have gone through worse and have found happiness and sobriety

I have seen a doctor who put me on the sertraline but because it can take up to 6 weeks to start working and the fact it gets worse before it gets better means I haven't managed to stay sober long enough due to wanting to get rid of the anxiety attacks... Every doctor I have seen seems extremely reluctant to put me onto any kind of short term help such as diazepam just while the sertraline starts to work... I think that may be down to my history of drug abuse. Maybe i should ask a bit more firmly because Ive only mentioned it as a suggestion as Im scared of looking like an addict just trying to get a prescription (which technically is exactly what I am but you know what i mean!)

Meraviglioso

Hi and welcome to you. Is going to rehab an option for you? There you can safely withdrawal and stay away from all alcohol and drugs for at least 30 days. They will also give you all the medications you need to detox and to handle your anxiety, but it will be in a controlled setting where you cannot abuse them.
I too was worried I had done permanent damage to my brain and body, I obsessed over it. I went and had every test under the sun done- full blood work, MRI, full body sonogram to check all of my organs, ECG, EEG, urine, more blood work, whatever medical test I could find. Fortunately everything was ok.
I would definitely see a doctor if I were you. I don't think you need all the tests I had, that was me being a hypochondriac and going on my own to schedule these tests- not dr. ordered. If your doctor thinks something is amiss she or he will recommend further testing that will put your mind at ease.
You can also ask for the anti-craving medication Campral. It helps with alcohol cravings, but you must start it once you have already detoxed. It also, according to the literature, helps repair damaged pathways in your brain due to alcohol abuse. Alcoholics are often deficient in Vitamin B, that is something else you can ask your doctor about or have a full blood work up to see what, if anything you are lacking. Vitamin B is essential for many things, including your brain.
The anti-depressant sounds like a good call, but as you already know, it won't work if you drink on it, and if you don't take it as prescribed.
Again, to re-cap, see your doctor and then a good idea would be to see a psychiatrist, a doctor who specialises in psychological medications. A psychologist would also be a good idea.
That's a lot of doctor's appointments, isn't it?? But it is a good start down the right path.
Stick around here, there is a ton of support to go around.

saoutchik

Welcome to SR leodis.

I think part of the problem is that a doctor probably considers 6 weeks to be short term whereas to someone addicted to alcohol (like me) 6 weeks is an eternity.

Aa Mera suggested a blood test might be worthwhile to show up any anomalies like low vitamin B although i'm sure your doctor would have already thought of that but if not then why not see him or her again and ask. Secondly exercise like running or walking can help with improving mood and since there are no downsides it might be worth a try, it would get you out in a non party situation as well

BTW we have to be a bit circumspect as it is written in stone that no SR member can give medical advice.

leodis

Great advice guys thanks.

I had my blood tested 2 or 3 times over the last 2 months when i went to hospital on the verge of seizures and everything seemed ok but they said my liver was slightly under performing which could repair if i stay off the booze. Im less worried about the physical impact as i am about the mental damage I've done which I get scared is irreparable and ill forever be a nervous wreck! But I think a lot of that worry is magnified times 100 due to the anxiety its self.

We have a free drugs/alcohol programme where i live and I spoke to one of the team while i was in hospital I just need to summon up the courage to take myself down there! Im gonna be as strong as I can this time though I think this forum will really help as I don't really speak to anyone about my problem and it will be good to speak to people who are or have been in the same boat!

I notice a lot of users frequent this site even after over a year of being sober? Is it important to keep active in this kind of community even after so long being sober?

D122y

leo,

i come here to offer any help I can and for therapy. Normis don't get addicts. Active addicts that never tried to recover don't get it either. So the only folks I can talk to, besides at AA meetings, are here.

AA is solid. I am not committed yet. AA becomes a family, a group of friends. My AA folks have parties together all the time. I have not been to one because I still haven't committed. As far as my AA folks are concerned, I am still at step 1. But, I am over 2 years clean.

The brain damage I feel is probably mostly my brain feeling "normal." I was tranquilized for so many years I never got used to feeling normal, especially as an adult.

I obsess a bit, but my work mate, a pretty bad alky, calls me out on it...since I told him to...and I am working on thinking about nothing instead of dramatic bull that really doesn't mean anything 99% of the time.

Clean time is what we all need. Depending on the depths of our addiction, our dna, our ability to manage stress...etc etc...we get better at our own rate. But, we get better and better...every clean moment.

Today was a stressful day. My alky buddy was on the ropes. He was ready for some booze, I could tell. I was stressed...hit the gym and feel pretty good. Sober as a saint.

Stay clean.

Thanks.

saoutchik

The drug and alcohol programme sounds like an excellent idea.

I can only speak about alcohol here but so far there is no total cure like there is for cigarettes whereby after enough time elapses without one you cease to want one. With alcohol it does get easier but it is never 100% gone which is why we say recovering instead of recovered. So it pays to stay involved.

Another thing is that after 2 and a half years (in my case) I have kind of forgotten how bad it felt to be a practising alcoholic. Staying with the Newcomers section and reading the rawness of those posts is a good reminder to me and it means I can pass on my own experiences if I think they might be helpful.

Hevyn

Hi leodis - it's great to have you join us.

I came here almost 10 yrs. ago in desperate shape. I didn't know for sure if I was going to stop drinking forever, but knew I needed advice & encouragement. The warm reception & feeling of no longer being alone has kept me here. I need to remain vigilant - I really don't trust myself to do this on my own. I agree with Saoutchik - greeting the newcomers is a constant reminder of where we've been, & the journey we had to take to reclaim our lives.

Meraviglioso

I think it is, it keeps us in check, we can stay part of the community and have people to lean on when life gets tough for us. We have a lot of long term members here, some with over 25 years sober. All ages, all races, all places. It is also just a nice community for support of all kinds of things that life throws your way.