Peppermintea

Hello, I come here looking for support and wisdom.

I have been a binge drinker for 20 years. Previously I was always on about 2 bottles of 13.5% wine a week.

A year ago that became 3 bottles a week.
6 months ago that became 4 bottles a week.
4 months ago it became 5 bottles and 8 cans cider
3 months ago it became much more - I wasn't counting by then.

Drinking had not been fun for a long time. I drank alone. I no longer had any interests or hobbies. I was always tired. I hardly ate and lost weight. I looked terrible.... flabby body, bloated face, dark rings around eyes, grey complexion. I stopped working. My depression became severe. I think I was also developing peripheral neuropathy...really scary. I knew I had to stop drinking for a long time, but couldn't.

I then harmed myself while drunk and was taken to hospital. As I sobered up, I was told I was having physical withdrawal symptoms from alcohol. I was shocked by this news and genuinely did not believe it at all!!! I believed the medic had good intentions, but was completely mistaken!!! I was given meds to help me detox and told not to drink again.

I went home and drank again...as I just couldn't accept I was dependent. It still horrifies me to think that now. I feel so much shame!! That is maybe why i couldn't accept it? The shame is unbearable at times.

But I knew I had to, and wanted to, stop. Over 5 weeks I have tapered down to zero and I am now 9 days sober.

I have had terrible cravings this week but have resisted. I have been on this forum every day and it has given me so much inspiration. Just want to say thanks....and I hope I can keep this up.

least

Welcome to the family. And congrats on nine days sober, that's a good start to a better, sober life.

You'll find lots of support here so use SR to your advantage. Read and post often. And if you feel the urge to drink, post here instead.

Delilah1

Welcome Pepperminttea, I'm glad you found us! You will find lots of support on SR. Take a look at the July 2017 class, you will find the support of others who have committed or recommitted to sobriety this month. Another great thread is the 24 hour thread, you will be able to check in for the next 24 hours of sobriety, and meet lots of wonderful people.

Congratulations on 9 days, looking forward to seeing you on SR!

nova84

Hi Peppermintea,

You've done so well to get yourself to this point...it must have taken so much...9 days is great...keep going...I'm sure you wouldnt want have to go through those 5 weeks again.

Wishing you well on the rest of your recovery journey x

thomas11

Hi and welcome, that progressive nature of alcoholism is sneaky. Glad to have you hear.

Peppermintea

I just don't understand how my alcohol use suddenly progressed so quickly, after years of being stable at 2 bottles of wine a week. I suddenly lost control of it over the course of a year. I shudder to think what kind of mess I would be in next year, if i was to continue drinking.

I have to admit that I am upset that I lost control. And I don't know why I feel so ashamed of losing control of it.

All of my extended family are heavy drinkers - probably heavier than I was for most of my life! But even though they drink alot, none of them seem to experience any major health or work problems from drinking. And none of them seem to have escalated their use to an uncontrollable level. I thought I should be the same as them as I have the same genes?! I guess I think "Why me? Why has this happened to me?"

Sorry for the pity party. I think I just feel some sadness that things changed for me. Although I am enjoying the freedom of not having a constant hangover/withdrawals,

Despite my 'mourning' I'm determined to stay sober. I look and feel healthier already and i'm going to have alot more free time to do things i actually enjoy.

Anna

Welcome! Good job on 9 days sober!

Denial is a huge part of alcoholism, and I think shame and guilt are right up there, too. The disease depends on the shame and guilt to bring you back to drinking again, so don't fall for it. You will feel better about yourself, give it a little time and patience. And, I think mourning is common, too. You might like to read 'Drinking: A Love Story' by Caroline Knapp. It's a book many of us have read and relate to. It's a bio/memoir by a young, high-functioning alcoholic and it's brutally honest and real, and full of hope.

Gottalife

Hi Peppermintea and welcome.

You have a disease. It is not your fault, you are not a bad person, you are unwell. As you get to know others sufferers, you will realize that this is an illness that can be arrested, and we can and do make full recoveries.

Shame was a big thing for me in the early days of recovery. By working with others I found that actually, I was just an ordinary alcoholic that did the usual stuff that people do who suffer from this illness. Probably the major thing was betraying my own values.

9 days is a great accomplishment. With any luck you are now in a position to make some sane choices about what you are going to do in the way of treatment. This is a good place for ideas.

RetiredGuy

Welcome and congrats on 9 days sober

Dee74

Welcome peppermintea

D

SimplyFree

I'm glad you are here Pepperminttea. I too was a binge drinker but could feel the alcohol progressing. I knew I neeeded to stop before it consumed me, so I came here in March, and had my last day 1 in April. I feel so much better just without the shame and guilt of waking up,the next morning. Congrats on day 9! Your av is probably already telling you, you don't have a problem, you can drink normally....those kind of lies. It's a suckers play, don't believe it. Be here, post often, learn, and be sober and happy.

ThatWasTheOldMe

I constantly betrayed myself and self-sabotaged my life when I was drunk. It's not your fault, it's the nature of the beast.

Congratulations on 9 days!

August252015

Hi and welcome!!!

Nine days (now I hope ten) is awesome.

I highlighted a few portions of your comments that were consistent with....being an alcoholic.

Most (if not all) of us found that our drinking kept escalating- it is a progressive disease. And, importantly, quality, quantity or type (among any other "characteristics of drinking" except one, which is the ability to quit) have no bearing on whether or not we are alcoholics. That can be difficult to understand- and your point about "why me, not them?" is something many of us with non-alcoholic, "normal drinking" fam members really relate to and had to square in our minds. IMO and IME, some of us have a gene/predisposition (and then lifestyle around choice to drink and such) that makes us alcoholic; quite simply, others do not, even our closest relatives.

This is a great place- there are lots of resources here to help with ALL the emotions surrounding quitting. You are not alone in feeling things like shame, remorse, sadness, etc - AND you don't have to live with those feelings forever.

One last comment about alcoholism being a progressive disease- it typically gets harder and worse (symptoms, withdrawal, etc) to quit the more times we re-start the cycle of drinking. And it often doesn't make sense how our usage skyrockets at a pace faster than we took to get to that high level before we quit, if we start drinking again.

Now sounds like a great time for a PROGRAM, on top of wanting to be sober like you are now- mine is AA and it has changed my life, worldview, everything and brought a life of peace I couldn't have imagined. Other people succeed with different methods. You might also join the Class of July thread under SR's Newcomers Daily Support Threads.

Again - glad you're here.

LastingChange

Welcome, Pepperminttea!

This forum is a fantastic support source - keep reading and posting and I'm sure you will take great solace and strength from the community here - I know I do!

PhoenixJ

Yes- hope is good, and with daily support,committment and checkins- at sr, meetings- whatever, you will

joandmelandhan

Hi and welcome Pepperminttea (love the name!)
It can be quite a shock at how the disease progresses. We aren't all the same and I sense you're feeling a little shocked and overwhelmed at where you are at now. Pity and shame are normal I get it. But maybe see that it really was great that you were in a safe medical environment and maybe getting the news from the doc will turn out to be the best thing to happen to you!
Acceptance is for me the key to moving forward. I can't drink ever again. Period.
Tapering and then getting to 9 days is brilliant! I hope you stay connected to SR it has literally dragged me through some awful times and continues to keep me on track every day.
Take care of yourself ❤❤❤

NoahJ

I feel ya brah. I had 15 years of enjoying good craft beers with friends, until it suddenly took off and I was drinking a fifth of vodka alone in the basement. I have little doubt that another year would have left me with severe permanent disability from the neuropathy. A few more after that and I'd be dead.

Congratulations on 9 days. That's a lot to build on. I obviously don't know what else you have in your life, but every tool helps - a 12 step program, recovery planning, therapy etc.