Coming clean
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 293
Coming clean
Hi all. I have been avoiding an update because I was afraid to be honest. I didn't have it in me. I'm so embarrassed and ashamed, but mostly I didn't think that I could risk anyone seeing my update and getting any hope from it. I don't think there is such a thing anymore.
My last thread was about how I read my husband's journal the day after he returned from rehab and found that he had slept with prostitutes. I vowed that I was not just done, but ******* done. I meant it. I told him that I just couldn't deal with that, and he broke down. I mean fetal position weeping and shaking. I still think that his pain was genuine. I just didn't get addict brain. He was awfully sorry, but I think sorry for himself and consumed with self-loathing. I broke down too, told him to come clean. He said it was two he was buying crack from and that it happened on a crack binge, that he wasn't in his right mind and that had been the bottom that sent him crawling to rehab because he could not believe he had done that to me. Said he had gotten obsessed with porn and he believes it led to him being able to do that.
I decided to stay and try to forgive him. I also, of course, went out and had me a truly fabulous lunch sex date with a hockey player in a twisted attempt to retain my own dignity and self-respect because I was ashamed of myself for tolerating infidelity. I guess I figured if I could go out and coldly sleep with someone else and come home like nothing happened, it would prove that he wasn't evil. Well, who knows...maybe that just means I'm capable of evil too. I'm sick in the head. I suppose I thought I'd wallow around in the sewer too so that we could relate better. Jesus.
Okay, fine. So he's recovering so beautifully, spiritual awakening, pink cloud all the way to the sky and it is a lovely thing to see. I got sucked in. We start going to church, he's in meetings 6 days per week, does kind and generous things for me and others just because. I mean this man was in fantastic shape. I forgive him.
....but I don't forget. I keep remembering the line "slept with many women while married to 2nd wife" and I keep thinking "TWO isn't MANY" and it starts to break through my fog. As Anvil says, "more will be revealed". So right, as usual. I go looking at phone records. Turns out he was texting and calling escorts from late August 2016 on. Last night I confront him and give him another chance to come clean on this crap. Understand that he was not doing crack then. Crack didn't show up until February. This was him being an alcoholic pothead, and he didn't drink at f@cking 9am in the damned morning. He was maybe stoned, but not drunk. He says he was just talking dirty and it was part of the progression before acting out. I call ********. He says he might have done stuff that he can't remember when he was blackout drunk or something. Again, these calls and texts were almost all during the workday, remember. Finally he admits to getting 3 or 4 but he didn't enjoy it, couldn't get it up most of the time, and feels traumatized by the memories and can't bear to go back and think about everything and tell me all that I need to know. He cries the rest of the night. I'm the love of his life and he can't believe he did this to me. He would never do it now that he's sober.
So that means, what, 30 or 40? That means I have a SEX ADDICT on my hands here? I have to presume he was ******* escorts and whomever else at any given time during the past 5 years because although I see no evidence before then in phone records, I don't believe a single word he says.
I NEVER suspected this. Not at all. Not even a little. I no longer know anything about anything. I don't trust my perceptions. I don't trust my memory. I barely know who I am. I'm in despair.
I honestly want to die. I have never been hurt this badly. I was raped when I was 16 and I can honestly say that I would rather have been raped again than go through the pain I've been through this year. Hell, this past 24 hours. I don't think that there's a word for this. My therapist says that the addict brain is irrational and that this could be part of the disease. She says he wasn't in his right mind and had very limited empathy and conscience while in active addiction, but I have every right to be enraged and leave and I don't have to care about his feelings or recovery. True that.
You know what else is irrational? His tears, his sorrow, they've been mostly for himself. Not for me. For him. Therapist says the empathy and conscience comes back for most as they work the 12 steps. He's on the 8th now. Boy I don't envy him making that list.
I can't even think enough to take another step at this point. I presume I will wind up packing my **** this weekend and going to my parents' house. The kids are with their dad, thank goodness. Right now I'm stuck at heartache and crying.
I'm genuinely sorry that I misled everyone about my present life. Better that than encouraging anyone else to stay with their addict, maybe. That's a dangerous message.
My last thread was about how I read my husband's journal the day after he returned from rehab and found that he had slept with prostitutes. I vowed that I was not just done, but ******* done. I meant it. I told him that I just couldn't deal with that, and he broke down. I mean fetal position weeping and shaking. I still think that his pain was genuine. I just didn't get addict brain. He was awfully sorry, but I think sorry for himself and consumed with self-loathing. I broke down too, told him to come clean. He said it was two he was buying crack from and that it happened on a crack binge, that he wasn't in his right mind and that had been the bottom that sent him crawling to rehab because he could not believe he had done that to me. Said he had gotten obsessed with porn and he believes it led to him being able to do that.
I decided to stay and try to forgive him. I also, of course, went out and had me a truly fabulous lunch sex date with a hockey player in a twisted attempt to retain my own dignity and self-respect because I was ashamed of myself for tolerating infidelity. I guess I figured if I could go out and coldly sleep with someone else and come home like nothing happened, it would prove that he wasn't evil. Well, who knows...maybe that just means I'm capable of evil too. I'm sick in the head. I suppose I thought I'd wallow around in the sewer too so that we could relate better. Jesus.
Okay, fine. So he's recovering so beautifully, spiritual awakening, pink cloud all the way to the sky and it is a lovely thing to see. I got sucked in. We start going to church, he's in meetings 6 days per week, does kind and generous things for me and others just because. I mean this man was in fantastic shape. I forgive him.
....but I don't forget. I keep remembering the line "slept with many women while married to 2nd wife" and I keep thinking "TWO isn't MANY" and it starts to break through my fog. As Anvil says, "more will be revealed". So right, as usual. I go looking at phone records. Turns out he was texting and calling escorts from late August 2016 on. Last night I confront him and give him another chance to come clean on this crap. Understand that he was not doing crack then. Crack didn't show up until February. This was him being an alcoholic pothead, and he didn't drink at f@cking 9am in the damned morning. He was maybe stoned, but not drunk. He says he was just talking dirty and it was part of the progression before acting out. I call ********. He says he might have done stuff that he can't remember when he was blackout drunk or something. Again, these calls and texts were almost all during the workday, remember. Finally he admits to getting 3 or 4 but he didn't enjoy it, couldn't get it up most of the time, and feels traumatized by the memories and can't bear to go back and think about everything and tell me all that I need to know. He cries the rest of the night. I'm the love of his life and he can't believe he did this to me. He would never do it now that he's sober.
So that means, what, 30 or 40? That means I have a SEX ADDICT on my hands here? I have to presume he was ******* escorts and whomever else at any given time during the past 5 years because although I see no evidence before then in phone records, I don't believe a single word he says.
I NEVER suspected this. Not at all. Not even a little. I no longer know anything about anything. I don't trust my perceptions. I don't trust my memory. I barely know who I am. I'm in despair.
I honestly want to die. I have never been hurt this badly. I was raped when I was 16 and I can honestly say that I would rather have been raped again than go through the pain I've been through this year. Hell, this past 24 hours. I don't think that there's a word for this. My therapist says that the addict brain is irrational and that this could be part of the disease. She says he wasn't in his right mind and had very limited empathy and conscience while in active addiction, but I have every right to be enraged and leave and I don't have to care about his feelings or recovery. True that.
You know what else is irrational? His tears, his sorrow, they've been mostly for himself. Not for me. For him. Therapist says the empathy and conscience comes back for most as they work the 12 steps. He's on the 8th now. Boy I don't envy him making that list.
I can't even think enough to take another step at this point. I presume I will wind up packing my **** this weekend and going to my parents' house. The kids are with their dad, thank goodness. Right now I'm stuck at heartache and crying.
I'm genuinely sorry that I misled everyone about my present life. Better that than encouraging anyone else to stay with their addict, maybe. That's a dangerous message.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Deelilah, what he did is a deal breaker for most and there isn't an excuse in the world that makes it any less hurtful than it is. Your anger is valid.
Are you seeing a therapist? This is something that you will need to work through, whether you decide to stay or to go. Revenge sex isn't the answer but I think you already know that.
Poo on him and how he's doing. I am concerned about you and what you can do to find your balance again, release the pain of anger and betrayal and find the clarity to make good decisions about what your future will look like.
Don't worry about misleading us with your posts, just don't lie to yourself, that's the one person who you need to be honest with and getting help for yourself will let you do just that.
So sorry for your pain.
Hugs
Are you seeing a therapist? This is something that you will need to work through, whether you decide to stay or to go. Revenge sex isn't the answer but I think you already know that.
Poo on him and how he's doing. I am concerned about you and what you can do to find your balance again, release the pain of anger and betrayal and find the clarity to make good decisions about what your future will look like.
Don't worry about misleading us with your posts, just don't lie to yourself, that's the one person who you need to be honest with and getting help for yourself will let you do just that.
So sorry for your pain.
Hugs
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Sending you a big hug.
You're human. It's hard to reconcile what we want to be true with what is, especially since he's feeding you just enough "truthiness" to get through the immediate confrontation.
Sorry, sweetie. I really am.
You're human. It's hard to reconcile what we want to be true with what is, especially since he's feeding you just enough "truthiness" to get through the immediate confrontation.
Sorry, sweetie. I really am.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 980
Dee
There was a time where I had real thoughts of dying over my addict.
As I stepped back to look at the situation I was thinking of dying over an active addict convicted felon convicted prostitute lying to my face probably used me for big money etc. etc etc. I'm gonna die over what??????????
I'm not saying I'm all well now. Im not
Your going to die over your loser POS. What??????????? Please step back. &. Think about this. How messed up is this guy? How could he be worth dying over. Tears. Ok. Dying. No way
There's a better solution. Move on leave him in his fetal position & live a happy healthy life.
There was a time where I had real thoughts of dying over my addict.
As I stepped back to look at the situation I was thinking of dying over an active addict convicted felon convicted prostitute lying to my face probably used me for big money etc. etc etc. I'm gonna die over what??????????
I'm not saying I'm all well now. Im not
Your going to die over your loser POS. What??????????? Please step back. &. Think about this. How messed up is this guy? How could he be worth dying over. Tears. Ok. Dying. No way
There's a better solution. Move on leave him in his fetal position & live a happy healthy life.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Big hugs!! I am sorry but really glad you came back and posted. I think the time has come for plan b and I also think going to your parents and getting away from him right now is your best plan. It's much better to clear and calm the mind when they are not present on a daily basis.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
honey, you have not MISLEAD us in any way! you have been very honest, brutally so, about everything that has happened, and how you felt.
if you are talking about the hockey player? ok, not a preferred choice of reactions, but dang.....hockey player huh? well done. sorry, that is inappropriate but that's the spunky female left in me.
you have heard truly destroying information now.....soul destroying, marriage destroying, reality destroying. you must still be in shock. and i am so so sorry.
remember you have value, you are precious and perfect and this will NOT change that. you and your children will thrive. this is not your whole life, this is just a part of your life.
if you are talking about the hockey player? ok, not a preferred choice of reactions, but dang.....hockey player huh? well done. sorry, that is inappropriate but that's the spunky female left in me.
you have heard truly destroying information now.....soul destroying, marriage destroying, reality destroying. you must still be in shock. and i am so so sorry.
remember you have value, you are precious and perfect and this will NOT change that. you and your children will thrive. this is not your whole life, this is just a part of your life.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dee....just because somebody else has devalued you, does not change your value in any way. Do not devalue yourself....you have been given precious life---cherish it!
The thing...the only thing...that will help you and honor you is to go forward...
do not let this past sully your present and your future.....
The thing...the only thing...that will help you and honor you is to go forward...
do not let this past sully your present and your future.....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 293
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
if you are talking about the hockey player? ok, not a preferred choice of reactions, but dang.....hockey player huh? well done. sorry, that is inappropriate but that's the spunky female left in me.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
You never mislead anyone! You are been through so much, please be kind to YOU. You did not deserve this, and you have to work though this your way in your own time.
Sending you HUGE hugs, we are here for you!
Sending you HUGE hugs, we are here for you!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 328
Dee,
I've had you on my mind, wondering how you were doing! You didn't mislead anyone. I'm just sorry you continue to be hurt by this man.
In my f2f meeting, we are doing a book study of How Al-Anon works. Last night we discussed the slogans. The simplicity of them make them easy to remember and recall. Very useful to get through a crises. Maybe they would help you. Take care of yourself and use this time without your kids to heal. You know we are all here and cheering you on.
Hugs,
Jaeger
I've had you on my mind, wondering how you were doing! You didn't mislead anyone. I'm just sorry you continue to be hurt by this man.
In my f2f meeting, we are doing a book study of How Al-Anon works. Last night we discussed the slogans. The simplicity of them make them easy to remember and recall. Very useful to get through a crises. Maybe they would help you. Take care of yourself and use this time without your kids to heal. You know we are all here and cheering you on.
Hugs,
Jaeger
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