Susiegirl

Those of you know my story are aware that 11 days ago my daughter caught me with a glass of wine and hasn't spoken to me or visited me since I was a heavy drinker years ago but have cut right back considerably. If I was going to have a drink it would be normally be when she is with her Dad. 11 days ago for some crazy reason I poured myself some wine when she was in bed and she came downstairs and caught me with it. I think she is scared that I will go back to the way I was then.

I will regret this decision for the rest of my life. Today is her 11th birthday and she still refuses to see me. I am not tempted to drink but I can't help feeling depressed about the fact that I have let her down again. I haven't drunk since that night and found it relatively easy to stay off the wine. I know I only have myself to blame. How can I earn her trust again if she doesn't want to see me.

My friend who is an ex-alcoholic and has been sober for 5 years just rang me and said she is going to an AA meeting tonight so I am going with her. I'm sure she realises its Evie's birthday and wants to distract me.

I did text the ex-hubby to wish her Happy birthday this morning and to tell her I love her - I just want her to know I am thinking of her.

I know I have to be patient about this but it is hard !!!

tomls

You are doing the absolute best thing for yourself, your daughter and your relationship with your daughter!! It's not going to happen over night but you didn't get in the shape you're in over night. You can't do anyone any good if you are not sober! Thanks for being here, we need you!!

SoberLeigh

I am so very sorry that you are hurting, Susiegirl. Virtual hugs to you.

You are doing the only thing that will, in the long run, mend the situation - staying sober and working on recovery. I hope that you can find some comfort in that.

Praying that things will improve soon.

Stay the course.

Anna

I'm sorry you are going through this painful time, but all you can do is stay sober and be patient. I imagine that your daughter is afraid and hurting and trying to protect herself. You will need to show her through your actions that you are staying sober.

Susiegirl

Thank you all for your kind words. I guess I just wanted some re-assurance that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I have to do this for myself. Until I can gain my self confidence back and get out of this dark hole perhaps I'm not the best person to be around. I am taking every support that is being offered to me though - so I guess that's a start.

I love this site - you all know what to say right and I thank you for that. With your support I'm sure I'll be the person I can be in no time XXXX

Jules714

Big hugs to you.
I know how you are feeling. I lost custody of my daughter due to my drinking.
It's excrutiating...and part of why I keep picking up a drink (day 4 sober, again! Again? Really, again? AGAIN!) Hopefully never again...but my heart knows your pain.
XX,
Jules

thomas11

We do not have kids, but I can imagine this is very difficult. I've said before, drinking has consequences. I think the best thing you can do is exactly what you're doing, staying sober and working on recovery. Life will come back to you.

Beedebea

Many hugs Susiegirl. I'm a mum with an only daughter and know how hard it is to be apart from them. I'm sorry that you are going through this but it will pass. We just have to remember that the best thing we can do for both us and our girls is stay sober. I know from bitter experience that drinking only makes things much, much worse.

Stay strong, you have a lot of understanding and support here. Sending many hugs.

Bdb

Delizadee

I feel your pain very deeply. My daughter will be turning 13 in about 3 weeks and in a year and half or so, she has spoken to me only once.
On her birthday last year I was so wrought with grief and helplessness and hopelessness that I put myself on death's door because of it. I had no idea if I could talk to her, if she'd take my call or wouldn't, if me calling her or not would upset her... it all felt very lose-lose.
I have come a long way since then, this year I will protect myself and I do what I can in small ways to let her know I love and care for her always and will always be here for her. I pray for her that she will be ok and soften her heart in time. Mostly that she will be ok.
And that no matter what, I will be ok and that my well-being doesn't hinge on the state of our relationship anymore. I say the serenity prayer often.
I had to detach with love until she's ready to help herself too and if she ever wants to rebuild our relationship. I can't force any of this on her, it's her path to walk. All I can do is love her and live my best life.

If you ever need to talk more, pm me.
I am sending you love and strength.
xo Del

Susiegirl

Delizadee, A year and half - that must be so painful for you. Its only been 10 days away from my daughter and its killing me. She is my world,
Is there any chance of you building up that relationship with her ?

Forward12

Alcoholism brings destruction not just to ourselves, but also even more so to those closest to us.
"I was a heavy drinker years ago but have cut right back considerably. If I was going to have a drink it would be normally"
This statement has me very worried and even at 11, she knows this as well. We can not cut back or drink "normally", as much as we wish we could. Complete sobriety is the only solution to alcoholism.
It sounds like your drinking has caused some serious trauma to her, make that your last drink and prove to her that you can be that sober mom she deserves.

columbus

Susiegirl--

I predict that in due time you will reach out to her, or she to you, and you (having been sober for the duration) and she (having grown a bit, and seeing you sober)

will fall weeping with joy into each other's arms.

She's very very young. Give it time.

Delizadee

We were once the best of friends with a wonderful relationship (albeit very dysfunctional and codependent) she had a huge change of heart as she is living in a fantasy world with her father which is both toxic and unsustainable.

I have no doubt at some point the reality of the choices she's made and the life she's chosen to live in is much less than ideal. Whether or not she decides to bridge the gap between us down the road because of that, will be up to her. The ball is in her court. I have accepted it is what it is, and all I can do is keep my side of the street clean and welcoming.

If she decides she wants a relationship with me in the future, it will never be what it once was. Without going into too much detail I will say she is far from blameless and that's a big part of the why she won't talk to me.

But, it could be better and different, in other ways, if given another chance. I won't lose hope and I know she is a child that is healing too.
Unfortunately, I don't think she's getting a lot of help in the healing where she is. They are keeping her emotionally 'sick'. I

In any case, don't lose heart and don't give up on her, eventually they will see that those of us who keep trying and stick around have made the effort and that will count to them.

Anna

Delizadee and Susiegirl, I truly feel your pain. I hope you can both find some peace and that your daughters will want a mother-daughter relationship.

Susiegirl

Thanks Anna. I guess that I'm lucky that my daughter is only 11 years old and apart from the fact that I USED TO pick up the odd glass of wine there are no other problems between us so I guess there is still hope.

Delizadee I really don't know what to say about your situation as I haven't been there. You are doing the best you can in looking after yourself. You will be there with open arms if she changes her mind and that's all you can do - I really do hope she will come to her senses and see how much you have changed - Sending hugs X

Well its day 11 for me. Went to an AA meeting last night which I actually enjoyed. Had a few laughs and I spoke up about missing Evie and after the meeting they were all supportive and encouraging.
I even put a bit of make-up on which I haven't done for about 2 weeks.

I'm just about to get up and go for a little run to start my day.
Hope everyone has a wonderful sober day X