The Pleasant Alcoholic Part II
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,118
The Pleasant Alcoholic Part II
I wrote this in response to JLynn's post, but I was definitely hijacking it, so I'm starting another thread.
I really think there are some people who have a difficult time with "life" and will never be sober.
I, fortunately, have a pretty high happiness "set point." I've found that others, due to past trauma, or inbred fears, or organic anxiety, just aren't as capable of living a normal happy life as I am. I consider myself blessed in that regard.
So, I think about my AH who is pretty sullen when sober. My kids say that after he's had a couple he's "Happy Dad" but any more than that, he's a miserable, mean guy. And one of my sons talked about how that little "happy" window has gotten smaller and smaller over the years. So 80% of the time he's either sullen or angry.
I think this justifies the principle that we can't control what they do. If they have to self-medicate, that's it. We are not manipulators of their brain chemistry.
My kids have been BEGGING us to move to where they live in another state. They somehow think that the "geographical cure" is going to work for their dad, even though I've advised them not to get their hopes up.
I heard my AH talking to DS on the phone just the other day: "I know that maybe if I move there, I'll stop drinking." he told my son. "But the fact is, that's probably not going to happen." I heard my son "step back" on the phone a little.. I think I even heard him cry.
And today, we had a surprise visit from some of AH's "drinking friends" and I heard him say "I'd rather shorten my life for 6 months if I can have a good time."
His priorities have clearly been established.
I think that when we are struggling with their drinking, we're thinking about OUR priorities, not theirs. Not to say that their priorities would be different if their heads could be cleared, but we have to discern if we are judging them by their standards or ours.
My DIL's first husband killed himself. He had trouble with depression, but the final straw was when she told him that she was going to remarry. He invited her to lunch the next day, but when she got there, instead of lunch she got a suicide note, along with his dead body. I can't imagine what she went through at 28 years old. But I told her exactly this, that in nature some animals and plants don't thrive--at least by our standards. Nobody's failed them. They contribute in other ways. Or, they just are what they are. But I shouldn't ascribe to my AH my own standards of success. Doesn't mean I'm compatible with his standards and have to abide by them, but it helps me let him be--to be who he is.
I really think there are some people who have a difficult time with "life" and will never be sober.
I, fortunately, have a pretty high happiness "set point." I've found that others, due to past trauma, or inbred fears, or organic anxiety, just aren't as capable of living a normal happy life as I am. I consider myself blessed in that regard.
So, I think about my AH who is pretty sullen when sober. My kids say that after he's had a couple he's "Happy Dad" but any more than that, he's a miserable, mean guy. And one of my sons talked about how that little "happy" window has gotten smaller and smaller over the years. So 80% of the time he's either sullen or angry.
I think this justifies the principle that we can't control what they do. If they have to self-medicate, that's it. We are not manipulators of their brain chemistry.
My kids have been BEGGING us to move to where they live in another state. They somehow think that the "geographical cure" is going to work for their dad, even though I've advised them not to get their hopes up.
I heard my AH talking to DS on the phone just the other day: "I know that maybe if I move there, I'll stop drinking." he told my son. "But the fact is, that's probably not going to happen." I heard my son "step back" on the phone a little.. I think I even heard him cry.
And today, we had a surprise visit from some of AH's "drinking friends" and I heard him say "I'd rather shorten my life for 6 months if I can have a good time."
His priorities have clearly been established.
I think that when we are struggling with their drinking, we're thinking about OUR priorities, not theirs. Not to say that their priorities would be different if their heads could be cleared, but we have to discern if we are judging them by their standards or ours.
My DIL's first husband killed himself. He had trouble with depression, but the final straw was when she told him that she was going to remarry. He invited her to lunch the next day, but when she got there, instead of lunch she got a suicide note, along with his dead body. I can't imagine what she went through at 28 years old. But I told her exactly this, that in nature some animals and plants don't thrive--at least by our standards. Nobody's failed them. They contribute in other ways. Or, they just are what they are. But I shouldn't ascribe to my AH my own standards of success. Doesn't mean I'm compatible with his standards and have to abide by them, but it helps me let him be--to be who he is.
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, SoloMio.
I agree that some people just have a hard time with things, and this could be part of their drinking and drugging.
But...
No one has the right to make me sad, or unhappy.
My alcohol addicted sib is just a mess, and getting messier.
Because he lives with my mother, who needs help on a daily basis, I sometimes have contact with him, though I avoid him as much as possible.
Seeing him makes me sad, angry, resentful.
When I no longer have to see or talk to him, as when my mother goes into care or dies, I won't.
Because he is a blight.
I agree that some people just have a hard time with things, and this could be part of their drinking and drugging.
But...
No one has the right to make me sad, or unhappy.
My alcohol addicted sib is just a mess, and getting messier.
Because he lives with my mother, who needs help on a daily basis, I sometimes have contact with him, though I avoid him as much as possible.
Seeing him makes me sad, angry, resentful.
When I no longer have to see or talk to him, as when my mother goes into care or dies, I won't.
Because he is a blight.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
SoloMio...are you happy living with someone who is either angry or sullen all of the time? Are you thriving? Or , is it that you just consider it your fate and destiny, and just endure......?
I think that each one of us were made to be happy and thrive, not just be alive....
I take it that your children are adults?
If so, did they spend ALL of their growing up years with him?
I think that each one of us were made to be happy and thrive, not just be alive....
I take it that your children are adults?
If so, did they spend ALL of their growing up years with him?
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
i typed a very long yet masterfully eloquent reply here and then hit the damn X for reasons unknown.
to paraphrase myself, some people have NO desire to quit drinking.
EV-ER. even when they know it will kill them. for reasons known only to them, a day without booze isn't worth getting out of bed for. much less drawing breath. my mom was one of those. never saw her even attempt to quit.....never heard her mention in passing that maybe alcohol was a problem.
even when i got sober in my 30s.
even when the doctor told her one more drink would literally kill her.
even tho she had a beautiful granddaughter who adored her.
if she ever did have a moment of clarity, she must have had a drink to celebrate. perhaps she felt it gave her some level of control? going out the way she wanted? i'll never know............
to paraphrase myself, some people have NO desire to quit drinking.
EV-ER. even when they know it will kill them. for reasons known only to them, a day without booze isn't worth getting out of bed for. much less drawing breath. my mom was one of those. never saw her even attempt to quit.....never heard her mention in passing that maybe alcohol was a problem.
even when i got sober in my 30s.
even when the doctor told her one more drink would literally kill her.
even tho she had a beautiful granddaughter who adored her.
if she ever did have a moment of clarity, she must have had a drink to celebrate. perhaps she felt it gave her some level of control? going out the way she wanted? i'll never know............
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