does he have an issue?
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 4
does he have an issue?
hi im new to this so may waffle...
im struggling with my marriage atm and my depression is bad, not helped by the fact my hubby says he drinks excessive cause of me....
all came to light a couple months ago with police being involved when i asked for a divorce, hubby drank and self harmed.
police were amazed that 3 swigs and he can finish a bottle of vodka. alway has been able to..
we do argue a fair bit as his life style, sleep apnea and weight is effecting us.
police were concerned to the extent they put me intouch with domestic abuse team (suprised as hes not abusive to me)
he denies he has an issue, he has always been a big drinker and can tolerate it.
i understand there are different ways you can be dependent on alcohol...but when is it an issue.
so tricky to put down here how things are as i feel i m losing my mind with things.
im struggling with my marriage atm and my depression is bad, not helped by the fact my hubby says he drinks excessive cause of me....
all came to light a couple months ago with police being involved when i asked for a divorce, hubby drank and self harmed.
police were amazed that 3 swigs and he can finish a bottle of vodka. alway has been able to..
we do argue a fair bit as his life style, sleep apnea and weight is effecting us.
police were concerned to the extent they put me intouch with domestic abuse team (suprised as hes not abusive to me)
he denies he has an issue, he has always been a big drinker and can tolerate it.
i understand there are different ways you can be dependent on alcohol...but when is it an issue.
so tricky to put down here how things are as i feel i m losing my mind with things.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 514
Welcome, Ali! If your husband drinks an entire bottle of vodka in one sitting, I would say that is a serious drinking problem. To me, if you're questioning the issue, it means there is a problem. Since you mentioned the weight issue, alcohol affects that as well.
Do NOT let him make you feel that his drinking is somehow your fault. He drinks for his own dark reasons that probably even he doesn't comprehend, and the spouse is always an easy scapegoat. This happens a lot in marriages and relationships. He should not only see a therapist for the self harm, but get into some kind of program to help him stop drinking. He might not physically abuse you, but what he's doing to you is a form of psychological abuse. That said, he will only seek help if he's ready and willing, and he should know if he waits too long, you'll be gone. He's your husband, but you don't deserve to suffer with him!
Do NOT let him make you feel that his drinking is somehow your fault. He drinks for his own dark reasons that probably even he doesn't comprehend, and the spouse is always an easy scapegoat. This happens a lot in marriages and relationships. He should not only see a therapist for the self harm, but get into some kind of program to help him stop drinking. He might not physically abuse you, but what he's doing to you is a form of psychological abuse. That said, he will only seek help if he's ready and willing, and he should know if he waits too long, you'll be gone. He's your husband, but you don't deserve to suffer with him!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 4
omg thankyou...
im in tears now... realistically i know theres some problem.. but feel so low im feeling im probally to blame. family and close friend think theres no problem..
last year he had a melt down and dr said not to stop right away so he did admit he has an issue.. but cant get over how everything is my fault and i wish i could come across and explain things to those that need to know.
i am so grateful to read others opinions. x thank you again
im in tears now... realistically i know theres some problem.. but feel so low im feeling im probally to blame. family and close friend think theres no problem..
last year he had a melt down and dr said not to stop right away so he did admit he has an issue.. but cant get over how everything is my fault and i wish i could come across and explain things to those that need to know.
i am so grateful to read others opinions. x thank you again
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Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 315
Hello and welcome, Ali! We alcoholics are very good at assigning blame for our drinking anywhere but on our own shoulders. It could be the stress of a job, married life, kids, finances, etc. We'll use any reasonable or unreasonable excuse we can to keep drinking, and don't very well take responsibility for our own choices while in that state.
I, too, was a heavy vodka drinker. By the end, I could easily polish off one liter in a day, possibly more. You lose track quickly when you're drunk almost 24/7. I can't say whether he has a problem or not. Only he can determine that. What I can say is, chugging vodka, under any circumstance, isn't normal.
Ali, none of this is your fault. You haven't caused him to drink, and you won't be the solution to get him to stop. My wife and kids never could have stopped me. I had to make that decision on my own and seek out the help that I needed. Hopefully, he will eventually do the same, but that's entirely on him.
What you can do, however, is get help for yourself. Please consider joining Al-Anon or another support group or individual therapy. Or perhaps reach out to a close friend. There's also a friends and family of alcoholics forum here, which might be of some benefit to you.
I wish you peace and hope that you both seek out and receive whatever help you need, as individuals and in your marriage.
I, too, was a heavy vodka drinker. By the end, I could easily polish off one liter in a day, possibly more. You lose track quickly when you're drunk almost 24/7. I can't say whether he has a problem or not. Only he can determine that. What I can say is, chugging vodka, under any circumstance, isn't normal.
Ali, none of this is your fault. You haven't caused him to drink, and you won't be the solution to get him to stop. My wife and kids never could have stopped me. I had to make that decision on my own and seek out the help that I needed. Hopefully, he will eventually do the same, but that's entirely on him.
What you can do, however, is get help for yourself. Please consider joining Al-Anon or another support group or individual therapy. Or perhaps reach out to a close friend. There's also a friends and family of alcoholics forum here, which might be of some benefit to you.
I wish you peace and hope that you both seek out and receive whatever help you need, as individuals and in your marriage.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 4
THANK YOU AGAIN xx
i have contacted domestic abuse team who referred me via the police (hubby is not a horrible person and would never hurt me)
so i feel a bit better that the police thought there was a problem...but looking back over things he used to be a door man 20 plus yrs ago and then he would have a HUGE gulp of vodka before work, and the years on from that never thought any more, he wouldnt drink daily but when he did he could go for it, and tolerate it.
past 18mths he has been hiding bottles, (as i said gp said to come off slowly which could take 6 mths as he was so bad). his excuse was he didnt want me moaning....
but now as things have come to a head friends/family think hes ok and seem to agree with him that its my fault for the drink cause i nag....i nag cause im concerned re his health and being 30 st too doesnt help.
i am nieve but why cant others see, spose like me i thought if hes not drinking daily there isnt a problem.
wow this has helped putting this down in words. x
i have contacted domestic abuse team who referred me via the police (hubby is not a horrible person and would never hurt me)
so i feel a bit better that the police thought there was a problem...but looking back over things he used to be a door man 20 plus yrs ago and then he would have a HUGE gulp of vodka before work, and the years on from that never thought any more, he wouldnt drink daily but when he did he could go for it, and tolerate it.
past 18mths he has been hiding bottles, (as i said gp said to come off slowly which could take 6 mths as he was so bad). his excuse was he didnt want me moaning....
but now as things have come to a head friends/family think hes ok and seem to agree with him that its my fault for the drink cause i nag....i nag cause im concerned re his health and being 30 st too doesnt help.
i am nieve but why cant others see, spose like me i thought if hes not drinking daily there isnt a problem.
wow this has helped putting this down in words. x
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
If the police needed to be involved because you told him you wanted to leave him... there's a problem. Separate from alcohol. There is a problem.
If he drinks because of you and you want to leave him, well, it sound like that would be two problems solved in one doesn't it. You'd be free of him and he'd be free of alcohol. But then, if that's what you wanted I suspect you'd have already left wouldn't you.
I agree with the suggestion about trying AlAnon. They won't be able to change your husbands drinking - only HE can do that. But they can help support you with being affected by someone else's drinking.
I used to find all kinds of reasons for drinking. What I didn't realise is that it's only alcoholics who do that. Normal drinkers just have a drink then stop. Only we need to justify our guzzling! And if anyone dares question or threaten our drinking then, well, THEY can get to be the Raison du jour!
Ignore his quacking. An alcoholic drinks because they are an active alcoholic. They can stop by choosing to be a sober alcoholic in recovery. Not easily, but they can. And you did not cause him to be an alcoholic. No way. And that's not me presuming you're a lovely wife. There's no way I can know that. What I mean is, a normal person would leave someone or sort out their marriage issues. Only an alcoholic would think that drinking bottles of vodka for an extended period would solve that problem. And that's coming from an alcoholic.
If he drinks because of you and you want to leave him, well, it sound like that would be two problems solved in one doesn't it. You'd be free of him and he'd be free of alcohol. But then, if that's what you wanted I suspect you'd have already left wouldn't you.
I agree with the suggestion about trying AlAnon. They won't be able to change your husbands drinking - only HE can do that. But they can help support you with being affected by someone else's drinking.
I used to find all kinds of reasons for drinking. What I didn't realise is that it's only alcoholics who do that. Normal drinkers just have a drink then stop. Only we need to justify our guzzling! And if anyone dares question or threaten our drinking then, well, THEY can get to be the Raison du jour!
Ignore his quacking. An alcoholic drinks because they are an active alcoholic. They can stop by choosing to be a sober alcoholic in recovery. Not easily, but they can. And you did not cause him to be an alcoholic. No way. And that's not me presuming you're a lovely wife. There's no way I can know that. What I mean is, a normal person would leave someone or sort out their marriage issues. Only an alcoholic would think that drinking bottles of vodka for an extended period would solve that problem. And that's coming from an alcoholic.
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