Karivan

All day I wondered if he would go. He went last Tuesday because it was go or get out but since then I"ve learned I can't make him quit drinking if he doesn't want to. I told him that his recovery was up to him and I wasn't going to make him go to meetings. Today after work I was biting my tongue and finally broke down and asked him what time his meeting was. (round about way huh?) He said he didn't remember it was tonight so I didn't think he would go.

Well... he left for the AA meeting about 15 minutes ago and he went without me getting on his back about it. I was hoping he would go but I'm surprised he did. So... I'm learning to let go... it's really hard. I didn't realize what a controller I am. I do it all the time!!! And not just to my A. I catch myself wanting to tell people at work what to do and now I'm learning to just listen and be supportive. My tongue is getting sore from biting it....

brightlight

I have noticed I do that too. I know I do with him, but have noticed I do that with other people. I say stuff like if you lifted weights you would really like it. You should try it and when they do not act interested I will almost start to push more information. I knew somebody that I thought would benefit from flaxseed oil and and tried to convince her of it. I am getting where I catch myself and just think that it is not my problem. I am really bad with my husband though. Then when I get where I am not conrolling he will say something like he appreciates all I have done and if it had not been for me pushing him all the time then he would not have got anywhere. I agree. LOL Right now he reminds me of a mule that laid down in his harness. I saw one when I was a kid and this animal just laid down in the middle of the street and the owner and somebody else beat him with a whip and tried everything to get him up. I think they did, but not sure because I either saw it on tv or read about where they shoot a mule when he lays down. The more you try to get the mule up the worse it gets. If you just go away and ignore him, he will get up. I think if I just quit trying to control my husband he might get off the bar stool and do something. When he wants to he can really accomplish things and make good decisions.

best

best <<<< this mule worked for food *LOL*

After 29 years my wife has started to find the triggers that get me up off the couch. Poking at me just made me all the more stubborn.
From the perspective of the mule... I would say you are doing things just right.
Great job

Bambi

Wow thats great!! Good for him and good for you!!

We are in the same boat you know. I also said you go to the meetings or you get out. It got him to go to the first one, then I said to myself (thanks to this board) why am I doing this? HE is the one who has to WANT to go, I can't control him and don't want to MAKE him do anything. I want him to want to go on his own.

So I also figured after that first one unless I pushed he would not go. But he is going, and I think he actually likes it. I for the first time ever, see a change thats shining from inside of him. I have a glimmer of hope. It scares me though.

SJW

I will be happy if there ever comes a time when my husband admits to himself that he has a problem and wants to do something about it. What a courageous thing it must be for them to make the decision to actually go to AA! I was scared to go to Al-Anon and I wasn't an alcoholic! Of course, I have learned that my co-dependent behavior is a condition of its own! Naturally, I tell myself I'd rather be a codependent than an alcoholic. And I can really relate to trying to control other people besides my husband. I'm learning to cut that out, though, because when others don't want to follow my lead it either makes me mad or hurts my feelings. I can avoid those feelings by minding my own business! Imagine that.

Life is a learning experience!

SJW

Magichappens

((Kari))
I am glad that he is seeking help. Keep working on you and detaching. I absolutely know how hard that is, but it works. Hugs, Magic

Peaches04

Yay Karivan!!! You did just the right thing...I struggle so much with this!

ASpouse

Is he going everyday? Usually AA recommends 90 meetings in 90 days.

Karivan

Everyday???? :shrug: I'm lucky that he is even considering going. He really doesn't think he has that big of a problem because it's just beer. The problem is that it's a whole lot of beer. He thinks that it's my problem because I have a problem with it.

We use debit cards for everything so I can keep track and then I download it into the software Money. In 2002, $1900 was spent at the liquor store, 2003 was $1400, and this year so far is over $1600. We could have taken a nice trip with that kind of money.

I'm hoping that once he starts going, he'll realize that it is his problem and he has to deal with it. Otherwise my liquor bill will be zero because he won't be around to spend my money. I've set my boundaries and told him what they are. This time I have the strength to stick with it.

ASpouse

The reason I ask is quite simple, I'm a hard nose about this stuff. When my husband came home from rehab my one boundary was this "Go to meetings everyday and get yourself a sponsor and leave me the hell alone or get out".

AA recommends 90 meetings in 90 days. I agree with that premise. I don't think they get much out of the meetings and the steps/traditions if they don't go to meetings, find a sponsor, find a home group, study the Traditions and the 12 Steps.

They have to go to meetings virtually every day if AA is to make an impact all in their behavior. Don't you see ...... they have to CHANGE ...... I mean completely change their behavior and there is nothing like another drunk to help them do it.

Petunia

Karivan,

KUDOS for you and your successful steps to recovery. I had a session with my counselor last night and something came up that is similar to your boundary. I told my husband before we got married that if he drank I was gone. He has been in recovery for 6 years so he has had quite some time sober under his belt.

I have not had as much time "recovered" under my belt so it was a major deal for me to say clearly and distinctly that if he drank I would be gone. What I find most interesting is that I say this not with as a threat to him, but rather with the confidence that this is my boundary. And since I fell in love with an alcoholic this is a very specific boundary for him to know and understand. I don't feel like our relationship is temporary because I don't worry that he will drink b/c I know what I will do and what I have to do if he does. He knows it too and this is something that he considers as part of his daily decision whether he will drink or not.

Our As have to make the decision every day not to drink. We have to make the decision every day to respect ourselves more and not continue our CoDe existence. The thing that I am learning from all of this is that I am valuable - that I value myself and the more I value myself the more others must as well or they cannot remain in my life. That's my definition of self-care.

Karivan, you're figuring out your requirements for self-care from yourself and others. Keep your eye on the prize - a healthy self and you will move mountains in the process.

Peace,
Petunia

Karivan

Thanks so much to everyone for your support.
I'm learning to state my boundaries and stick to them. I waffled a lot before and gave him a lot of "one more chances." His recovery is on him and I can't and won't tell him what to do.