ArtMachine

Hi All,

I have allowed my son with addiction issues to access my house due to his semi homeless condition. He doesn't steal and is mostly respectful of things... except the dang house key, which I have given multiple copies and left a hide a key for.

Well, it happened, he took the key for the last time. Now I have to explain to my partner and his son that this happened... Again. I'm anxious about their reaction and feeling score from my step son in particular (who isn't fond of me but tolerates my son) . My partner will tell me it's ok but then be upset later on.

I get that this seems a small thing but with an addict nothing feels small. It's all so wrought with conflict. My solution is a consequence....

I'll get a new key and hide it from him and tell the rest of the house where it is. Problem anxiety flared, like he was starred... I'm so out of balance now.

Chino

Will you change the locks?

AnvilheadII

ok, the whole point of a hide a key is that VERY few people know of it's location. so changing the locks and putting a new key in place of the old key IN the hide a key is NOT a plan. especially not when the key to your house is now OUT THERE with a semi homeless addict. you might as well just put a sign in the front lawn and not bother locking the door.

time for a new plan. if you wish to allow your son into your home, then YOU must be there at all time, and he is never let at the house alone. that is the only way to provide assurance for the other members of the household. no more keys.

atalose

I think the key word here is AGAIN. Maybe pick another solution different then the same old one you've been doing. Like the addicts saying "sorry" then repeating the same things they were sorry for, people grow tired of hearing the meaningless sorry's and it sounds like your partner and step son may have reached that point.

Ann

Call me cynical but my son lived at home many many times and each time it did not end well...and often the theft was "set up" so he could deny any knowledge.

Your son has lost several keys to your home, let you know they were lost (not just a "I forgot my key" kind of visit) and I see this as a set up. One day you may return home and find many valuables missing...it happens with active addicts sooner or later...and your son will say "Someone must have got hold of one of the keys I lost" and put himself in the clear.

Change your locks and don't give him a key. Be home when he visits. Allowing an active addict to come in when nobody is home is just a disaster waiting to happen. Just as they cannot resist their drugs...they cannot resist stealing to get them, especially when the opportunity is right in front of them with no witnesses.

Sorry to sound so cold but the reality of having an addict son is something I experienced for years and years until I finally listened and found a better path.

Prayers out for all of you, it's a sad situation and you are somewhat in the middle.

Hugs

Anaya

Welcome, ArtMachine.

Others make good points.

And Ann's post in particular - I don't think of what she offers as being cold but, instead, I feel it's helpful. I think that stepping back and looking at the bigger picture, making a plan that helps you and your family to not be vulnerable is constructive.

At one time and now past tense, I felt to be a prisoner in my home while my son lived here. All valuables were locked away, keys tucked away, cell phone by my side in case I needed to reach out for help, you get the idea. Once he was moved out, things slowly improved but only by making and keeping boundaries in place.

Wishing you strength and peace.

ArtMachine

Thank you all for your input... I value all the opinions. Since I have done nothing different except give him multiple keys and we have zero issues with him stealing. I will get a new key and hide it from HIM. There are 4 other adult kids who come and go in this house, they utilize this hide-a-key and should not be punished because my son is irresponsible. So I will hide it from HIM alone and let the others know where it is. My son will call me when he no longer sees the key in the old location and I'll say, "I've given you your own key, on your key chain, and multiple keys in this box, you'll have to knock or wait for me, if you can't keep track of keys, to enter the hosue".

I am very willing to take the leap to changing the locks if he was stealing or bringing his sick relationship to my home again but the issue isn't him being there or stealing, the issue is that when the key is gone, others are affected. It's a huge move for me to restrict him at all. But I acknowledge that as he becomes more in his disease, my consequences will have to become more an more severe.

God grant me the Serenity to change the things I can...

atalose

I do not understand any consequence to him here with this situation about the key. All I see is inconvenience to you being awoken or bothered whenever he feels like returning to your home.

Ilovemysonjj

FWIW, since my son has moved out (forced out in 2014 due to abuse of our kindness and drug use in home), he has NEVER been allowed to come in or out of our home without us being present. Whether he is active in addiction or in recovery, our boundaries remain. Even when I moved out of my parents home, I never went there uninvited. I hope everything works out for you and your family!

Ann

Please forgive my straight forward answers, I have been there and I truly care and understand...but it is possible that he has sold your key(s) to someone who WILL steal. Let's say he sold your key for $20 (for some reason a fairly standard amount because it buys enough drugs for the moment) to someone who knows your address. 3 months from now, when you least expect it you could come home to find all your valuables gone and your son may have an alibi or even be with you at the time you are not home.

My son is an addict, before I found my own recovery and set firm boundaries including the one where he was not allowed in our home unless we were present and in the same room. What did he steal when I was home and wasn't looking....my mother's Royal Doulton figurines (didn't touch the ones that were not worth anything), my grandmothers gold chain and my grandfathers gold pocket watch, a portable TV that he snuck out in his backpack, prescription drugs including my hormones that he thought were Tylanol 3's, cash, checks from the middle of a checkbook so it took a while for me to notice, and a good electric razor that belonged to my husband....the list is endless but that's a start.

What you must understand is that my son, who did that, was a church going, polite, kind, funny and honest as the day is long, young man. Drugs stole his soul.

I promise you that I am not trying to talk you into doing something that you don't want to do, you have my blessing to make your own choices. What I am trying to do is share my own experience...that is quite common place here...so that you don't have to suffer the same losses and pain as I did.

I do understand, I do care, I care enough to take the time to share my story in hopes that it won't become yours.

Hugs

ArtMachine

Thank you all for the possible scenarios, I will consider the input. This young man has much to loose by breaking my trust in these extreme ways: selling my key, disturbing us at night or stealing. At this time, he has NO WAY to enter my house unless someone is there. That's how it will stay for now.